


In My Way

by INeverHadMyInternetPhase



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Asexual Character, Bisexual Male Character, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, First Meetings, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, ace!phil, actor!dan, bi!Dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2018-05-31 11:41:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 147,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6468820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/INeverHadMyInternetPhase/pseuds/INeverHadMyInternetPhase
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Daniel Howell is 21 and Britain’s newest star. He’s just been cast in the much-anticipated film adaption of Last Man Standing, the popular teen fantasy novel with a huge fanbase hanging off his every tweet. In other words, Dan has made it big.</p><p>Phil Lester couldn’t care less. He’s a stressed out PHD student working part time at a bookshop while he struggles to get into post-production. He’s 26 and still lives in a tiny flat on the fifth floor of a building with a lift more broken than it is in use. He loves books, but he thinks big film adaptions screw with the plot too much.</p><p>Needless to say, Phil is less than impressed when Last Man Standing is getting filmed in his hometown. And he certainly doesn’t want anything to do with obnoxious, arrogant, so irritatingly perfect leading actor Daniel Howell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I once said I wouldn’t write anything explicitly romantic. …I have broken that rule. But it’s a reeeeeeal slow burn so we’ll be here a while, aheh
> 
> Reminder that this is entirely fictional, I’m not saying anything about the real Dan and Phil, this is a fake AU because their personas are fun to play around with ^_^
> 
> Also the books, films, and actors mentioned are entirely fictional too. None of this is supposed to link to real events.

**CAST LIST LEAKED FOR HIT NEW FILM**

_The film that everyone’s talking about – ‘Last Man Standing’ – has been through a bit of a week, and we here at the Manchester Star are happy to provide the latest scoop. Want to know more about the world of celebrity scandal for this, the most anticipated film of recent months? Then read on!_

_‘Last Man Standing’, the eagerly awaited adaption of the infamous young adult novel, was announced early last month. Since then, the shroud of secrecy surrounding the film has done nothing but increase the hype. Everyone in the industry has been tight-lipped and secretive, that is, until last week. Something slipped through the gap, and there’s been a leak of a rather intimate nature._

_To be precise, we here at the Star have exclusive access to the cast list._

_And what a cast list it is! Of course, Louise Pentland as lead Estelle can hardly come as a surprise – her golden locks and bubbly smile were almost a given for this heartbreaker. The long list of men to play her various love interests contains some surprises, though – not least Harry Fielding, a relative unknown, in one of the leading roles. The casting director must have seen more from him than we have!_

_But perhaps the least surprising of all is notorious Daniel Howell, cast in the role of magnificent knight Dean. We had no other actor in mind than this young heartbreaker to play the eponymous ‘Last Man Standing’. Howell has been making waves in the industry since being pulled out of his drama academy in only his first year, and has flitted from role to role ever since. And who could be surprised, with that poster-boy face of his?_

_‘Last Man Standing’ has had more than just its cast revealed in the past week, though. Just a matter of hours later, the next big announcement came through (and perhaps this one was more planned) – the film location, we are happy to report, is right here in Britain! This news had been met with enthusiasm from the book’s large fanbase, as the author herself lives in London, and the book is set in a city very obviously based on England’s green and bountiful countryside. We can hardly say we’re surprised._

_Perhaps the biggest news, certainly in this paper’s eyes, is that the location will be split – half of the filming done in studios in London, half on location in – you guessed it – Manchester itself! That’s right, people, we’re getting some of that stardom here in our very own city. Don’t be too surprised if the traffic builds up, we’re expecting some celebs around here!_

Phil shoved the morning paper away from him with a grimace. What a load of rubbish. He didn’t buy tabloids for a reason, but the man who delivered the milk had started to leave the _Manchester Star_ on Phil’s doorstep along with his two pints, and Phil hadn’t the heart yet to tell him it was unwanted. Plus, the milkman arrived at some ungodly hour in the morning. As if Phil would be up to speak to him then.

This news was particularly unwelcome. Phil cringed at the thought of his precious city getting overwhelmed by some ridiculous film set, disruption everywhere just for one more below-par film to get its hour of fame. He didn’t recognise the names of any of the actors, not that he cared. PJ would probably know.

Thinking of PJ, he’d be here in five minutes and Phil was nowhere near ready. Gulping down the last of his coffee, Phil got to his feet, running a quick hand through his hair. He spent a few minutes shoving the majority of his dirty dishes into the sink until his buzzer went off.

PJ entered the flat with his usual charming grin, despite the rather frazzled appearance of his hair. He walked straight passed Phil and into his kitchen, flicking the kettle on and grabbing a mug. “I’m in serious need of your help.”

“Hello to you, too,” Phil jested.

PJ chuckled, but the sound was a little wild. “No, seriously, mate. My _entire_ editing programme crashed and I’d almost finished with it, but…”

“It’s ok,” Phil stopped him, “Have you got the files?”

PJ waved a silver disc at him with a grin on his face.

“Cool. Hold on then.” Phil turned and headed back through to his living room, sitting on the sofa and reaching for his laptop. His flat was pretty small, but Phil made the most of it. He’d been living there for the majority of his PHD, and the years had given him time to collect his odd bits-and-bobs and fill the empty white walls. Bursts of colour rose from every surface.

PJ walked back through, balancing two steaming mugs. “I’ll pay you with coffee.”

“ _My_ coffee.”

“Still coffee.”

Phil grunted, and held out his hand for the disc. PJ placed the two mugs on the tiny coffee table before settling down beside Phil, fixing him with a serious glance as he balanced the disc between them. “Now. This is of incredible significance.”

Phil arched a brow. “I’m aware.”

“It holds the entirety of my project. My _boss_ is going to see this.”

“I know,” Phil gave a solemn nod, holding his hand out palm-up. “I accept the severity of this responsibility.”

“ _Do_ you, though?”

“Peej, when’s this due?”

PJ scratched the back of his head with his free hand. “Tomorrow morning.”

“Then don’t you think you’d better give it to me?” Phil turned on his winning smile. “If you want it edited, anyway.”

“You make a good point.” After one more, long-suffering moment, PJ finally relinquished the disc into Phil’s palm. He covered his eyes with his hand. “I can’t watch.”

“Calm down, Peej.” Phil slid the disc into his laptop and pulled up his editing software. “It won’t take me long.”

“It has to be _perfect_.”

“Have I let you down before?”

“No, but there’s a first time for everything,” PJ answered darkly, before giving his head a quick shake. “I didn’t mean that. I just. Ugh.” He got to his feet and paced around the tiny space between the sofa and the wall. “I _really_ need this to go well.”

“It’s important, hm?” Phil was already buried in his software.

PJ ran a palm over his face. “Mate, you have _no idea._ ”

“It’s for your boss?”

“Yeah. You know, the guy who runs the entire company.” PJ shuddered slightly. “He could make me the next best filmmaker in Britain, or he could end my career right now.”

Phil clucked his tongue in sympathy, his mouse unhesitating as it tracked across the screen. “It’ll make you. You’re brilliant.”

“But the editing is the part that always takes me the longest.” PJ’s tone betrayed his underlying stress. “I was _so close_ to finishing when the bloody thing decided to crash…”

“Don’t worry,” Phil soothed, “I’m on it, and I’m the editing master.”

“You’d bloody better be.”

“My PHD says I am.”

PJ snorted. “You don’t even have it yet.”

“Give it a few months.” Phil scrolled through the various clip of film, pursing his lips. “So do you want, like, these to all just run together?”

“Yeah, and a few jumpcuts.” PJ hurried back around to Phil’s side, pausing in his pacing. “I have a list somewhere, wait…”

Phil continued to scroll through the clips as PJ searched through his pockets, eventually extricating a crumpled up sheet of paper covered in illegible scribbles. PJ pressed it into Phil’s hand with all the reverence of a man giving up his first-born child.

Phil glanced through the list, then back at the clips, and grimaced. “This is going to take me a while, sorry, mate.”

“But can it be done?” PJ’s tone was desperate, and when Phil glanced at him, PJ looked a little wild around the eyes.

Phil drew in a breath, placed the paper down on the table, and grabbed for his coffee mug. “I can do it. It’ll take a while, but I can do it.”

“You’re actually the best.”

“Yeah, well, you can repay me in food.”

“Takeout is on me,” PJ promised.

Phil nodded distractedly as he started to piece the clips together, referring back to the sheet of paper. PJ paced for a while longer, his gaze constantly flicking to Phil, following the tapping of his fingers with increasingly nervous eyes. He strode briskly around the living room.

Phil clicked his tongue after a while. “You’re going to wear holes in my carpet.”

PJ paused, glanced down, and wrung his hands together. “I can’t just do _nothing_.”

“So don’t,” Phil answered distractedly. “Put the TV on. Read the paper. Play games. Whatever you want.”

“I _want_ to _pace_.”

“Alright,” Phil shook his head, “Do whatever you want, as long as you don’t destroy my furniture.”

PJ muttered to himself. He edged one more circuit around the living room, but after a charged glare from Phil, he resumed his seat beside Phil instead. His knee jigged up and down and he shifted restlessly, his fingers constantly fidgeting.

Phil edged away from him a little. “Seriously, Peej, you need to distract yourself.”

“How can I?! My life is literally in your hands.”

“I know. And I’m working on it.” Phil paused for long enough to send PJ a calming stare. His friend really did look frazzled – his usually immaculate hair was sticking up in haphazard curls, and there were more lines than usual in his forehead.

Phil leaned forwards and nudged the newspaper, still open from earlier, in PJ’s direction. “Distract yourself with that. And order some pizza. We’ll be here a while.”

PJ picked up the paper, but his eyes stayed fixed on Phil’s.

Phil glanced back at him with an eye-roll. “Seriously, I’m working as fast as I can. You can always head home if you don’t want to stick around and wait.”

PJ’s eyes widened in horror.

“Or stay here,” Phil held his hands up, then grabbed his laptop back. “But I’m not going to be much company, I’m afraid.”

“That’s perfectly fine,” PJ rushed to emphasise. “You just – focus on your editing – and I’ll…” he glanced around distractedly, then settled for the paper in his hands. He leaned back into the sofa, forcibly relaxing.

The paper was still open on the article from earlier. PJ’s brows shot up. “Wait – _Last Man Standing_ ’s being filmed _here_?”

“Hm?” Phil barely glanced over. “Oh. Yeah. Apparently.”

“Wow.” PJ buried himself in the article, his eyes flickering down the columns with interest. “Think they’d let me sneak onto set?”

“Why, do you want to steal the camera equipment?”

“Of course not, why would you even say that,” PJ answered blandly. He continued to read through the article, nibbling on his lip. “Why’d you even get the _Star_ , anyway? Thought you hated tabloids.”

“I do. Comes with the milk.”

“Ohhh.” PJ continued to read in silence, though he gave a low whistle when he reached the leaked information. “Good cast list. Never heard of this Harry Fielding, though.”

Phil hummed distractedly. “I’ve never heard of any of them.”

“Oh, come on, yes you have.”

“Nope.”

PJ rolled his eyes. “You’ve been with me and seen films with them in, so I know you have.”

“Really?” Phil paused in his editing for a moment to fix PJ with an arched brow.

“Yeah. Louise Pentland was Casey in that one about the time travelling witch.”

Phil narrowed his eyes. “Blonde? Long hair?”

“That’s her.”

“Oh yeah.” Phil turned back to his acting. “What about the other one?”

PJ consulted the article again. “Oh, Daniel Howell, yeah. You liked him.”

“Did I?”

“Yeah, he was in _Reckless_.”

“Oh.” Phil brightened a little; he had genuinely liked that film. He wasn’t often keen on the Hollywood blockbusters that PJ dragged him out to see – usually he just geeked about the editing, and let PJ whine about the directing choices. But _Reckless_ had been decent. “Who’d he play?”

“The lead. James, was it? Jack?”

“Jackson.”

“That’s it.”

“Huh.” Phil pursed his lips, his interest piqued despite himself. Jackson was one of his favourite lead characters. Phil had definitely related to some of his less-than-cool appeal, and the film had taken him on a journey rife with mistakes, although everything had worked out in the end. Plus, the actor was pretty cute – from as much as Phil could tell, anyway. His face was interesting, long and full of warmth. And he had nice eyes.

“Think we should check out the film set sometime?” PJ asked, flipping through the rest of the article. “It’s going to be in the city centre for five months.”

Phil groaned.

“Oh, it won’t be that bad.”

“Traffic’s going to be a nightmare.”

“But you’ll get to see an actual film set,” PJ pointed out.

Phil snorted. “I doubt they’ll let us that close. Plus, _Last Man Standing_ is a great book, and no film is ever going to be able to do it justice.”

PJ shook his head. “You’re just prejudiced.”

Phil didn’t deny that. Instead, he buried himself back in his editing, focusing on getting the film clips smooth and fluent for his friend to hand in the next day.

The hours passed smoothly. PJ flicked through the rest of Phil’s paper – most of it was tabloid trash, gossip about celebrities, or local heart-warming stories that left him with a smile – and when that was done, he tossed the paper back onto the table. He went and made them more coffee, ordered them pizza, and stuck on a film.

Phil barely looked up from his laptop the entire time.

Eventually, far too late to still be awake, considering Phil had work tomorrow, the film was finished editing. He handed the disc back to PJ, exhausted, and accepted his heartfelt thanks with the biggest smile he could muster. (“You’re the best, mate! I’ll never be able to repay you for this. Coffee is on me for the next month.”)

Once PJ was out of the door, Phil could do little more than switch his laptop off, pull on his pyjamas, and collapse into bed.

…

The next morning, Phil was late for work.

He hurried through the busy Manchester streets, coffee in hand, bag slung over his shoulder. The epitome of a working student – except, he was late. Phil _hated_ being late. Usually, he left his flat with at least half an hour before he was due anywhere, but that morning he’d overslept. His eyes still itching from editing for PJ, he had barely stumbled out of the flat, stopping off at his favourite café before rushing up the street towards his usual bus stop.

Problem: the road containing his bus stop was closed.

_Closed._

Phil stopped at the edge of the road, joining a small throng of people congregated around the big traffic cone with the sign that read ROAD CLOSED next to it.

Phil cursed softly – a word very unlike his usual language. He dug into his pocket, juggling his coffee, and tugged out his phone, cursing again when he saw the time. He was going to have to walk to the next bus stop, which was a good fifteen minutes away, and he only had twenty minutes to get to work on time. The bus would be slower than ever if there were road closures. He was never going to make it.

“Why the hell would they close the roads?!” He muttered angrily to himself, jostled in the crowd.

“Maybe because of the filming,” a distinctly amused voice said from beside him.

Phil almost jolted out of his skin. Filming, right here? He blinked, peering further ahead of him, trying to see passed the crowds and traffic cone up into the closed road. “Filming?”

“I would presume so.”

Phil blinked again. He pursed his lips, growling. “Bloody Hollywood. What on earth possessed them to come _here_?”

“Aren’t you happy?” The mystery voice sounded surprised.

“God, no,” Phil scoffed. He sipped at his coffee, scalding his tongue.

“Why not?”

Phil shook his head, giving an irritated gesture to the road ahead of them. “Because of this! I’m late for work, my boss is going to kill me, and I can’t even get to the bloody bus stop because of some stupid second-rate film that’s never going to live up to the book.”

There was silence again, in which Phil sipped his coffee with irritated blue eyes.

Eventually, the voice answered, “So you don’t like film, huh?”

“On the contrary,” Phil disagreed, “I _love_ film. I just don’t like mediocre adaptions.”

“How do you even know this one’s going to be mediocre?”

“I just do.” Phil scoffed. “Have you seen the cast list? Just more Hollywood trash.”

“Is that so.” The voice was cool.

“I think so, yeah.”

The crowd ahead of them cleared a little, and Phil pushed his way to the front. Now he paid more attention, the people around him were either stressed-looking people in suits, glancing at their watches in irritation, or hyped-up teenagers with eager eyes and bouncing feet. Probably trying to get a glance at the stars. Phil scoffed – the only one he remotely liked was Daniel Howell, and that was only in the one role he’d seen him in.

The mystery voice, it seemed, had followed him. “So you’re, like, an indie movie fan.”

“I guess you could say that.” Phil ran a distracted hand through his hair. “I mean, not really.”

“Explain,” the voice demanded.

Phil scoffed. “Look, I really don’t have time to argue…”

“You’re already late, right?”

Phil rolled his eyes, turning on his heel to face the person standing behind him. It was a man – taller than Phil, just by a little, which made him tower over the rest of the crowd. Phil barely spared him a glance, noticing twinkling brown eyes, before he zeroed back in on his coffee cup and muttered, “Yeah, thanks to this damn film set.”

“I’m sure it’s not their fault.”

“Yeah, well,” Phil grunted sourly, “I’d just rather they took their crappy adaption elsewhere.”

The man raised one delicate brow. “Crappy adaption?”

“Probably. I mean, _Last Man Standing_ is a great book, so it’d be difficult to do it justice even with good actors.”

The man’s brow raised higher. “Not impressed by the cast list?”

Phil shrugged with an eye-roll. “More same-old people picked for their pretty faces, I suspect.”

“Well, you certainly seem to know lots about it.” The voice was almost cutting.

“Not really. I just read the article.” Phil glanced back at the man, actually paying attention to him this time. His face was nice, long and sharply featured, and his lips were twisted into just the hint of a smirk. He had brown hair styled in a slanting fringe across his forehead, and his eyes were brown and dancing.

…Wait a minute…

Phil took a hesitant step back, his eyes widening. This man looked exactly like Jackson, his favourite character from _Reckless._

But that would mean…

The man tilted his head, his lips pulling into a wider smirk. He held himself proudly, tall and carrying it well, his stance almost arrogant. Just as Phil stared at him in growing horror, a voice from the closed road called out, “Howell! I see you there, get your arse out here before you hold up the filming anymore!”

_What. The hell?_

“Coming,” the man answered lazily. “As soon as I’m done mingling with the public.”

Phil’s face dropped.

_Fuck his life._

“Well, it seems I have to get to work,” the man drawled, his brown eyes filled with mirth. “You know. Have to try and make this film better than a _crappy adaption_.”

Phil’s face drained of all colour. He spluttered. “I didn’t – uh – I didn’t mean…”

“No?” The man snorted. “You seemed pretty certain to me.”

Phil nearly choked. He could feel the coffee roiling around in his stomach. “I didn’t – I didn’t know you were _you_!”

“Right. You’d have been spluttering niceties at me if you knew?”

“Probably.” Phil cursed himself inside his head. “No, wait. I would’ve. Um. You’re _Daniel Howell._ ”

The man chuckled. “I am aware.”

Phil just stared at him, his brain far too scrambled, his cheeks flaming. He tried to piece together enough words to salvage the situation, somehow, but the silence just stretched on, uncomfortably long.

Eventually, a voice yelled out from the road again. “ _Howell_! Here, now!”

Daniel Howell just snickered. He placed a hand on Phil’s shoulder, gently moving him to the side. “I’ve got to get to work. Don’t make me any more late.”

Phil stared after him, watching his long legs carry him through the crowd and into the road. He managed to splutter at his back, “ _You’re_ the one making _me_ late!”

Daniel Howell merely chuckled.

Phil glared after his back until he realised that the majority of the crowd were staring at him, open-mouthed. The rest were mooning after Daniel Howell with adoring expressions.

Phil felt his cheeks flood with heat once more.

Clenching his hand around his coffee, Phil forced his feet to turn and carry him away up the street. He was impossibly late for work now, and his boss was going to shout at him, and by the time he reached the next bus stop he realised that none of them were even running because of the disruption caused by the filming.

The perfect start to the perfect day, he thought bitterly as he started the long, cold walk to work.

…

By the time Phil finally made it into work, he was almost a full hour late and tired and sweaty from the long walk. He apologised profusely to his manager, Lilith, who met him at the door with a stern look.

“Well, I know it’s unlike you,” she answered in her gentle voice, gesturing to the armful of books in her grip, and another pile on the desk beside her. There were no customers in yet, but the lunchtime flow would start soon. “Take those upstairs for me?”

Phil obeyed, following her all the way up to the third floor of the shop. The bookshop was tiny, and rickety, and sprawled up along four floors in the corner of the high street. The walls were hung with red drapes, and every nook and cranny had an armchair, or a desk, or a slim window seat. The free wifi and café next door made it a hotspot for students; Phil often came here to do his PHD work, when he wasn’t on shift.

“I am really sorry,” he apologised again as he helped Lilith stack the books onto their shelves. “Everywhere is closed, took me an hour to walk here.”

“Didn’t you realise about the filming?”

Phil paused, glancing down at Lilith with a raised brow. If even _she_ had heard about it, then he must be behind the times. He coughed, and shook his head.

Lilith studied him quietly from behind her glasses before turning back to the shelf. “Well, no matter. You’ll be prepared for next time.”

“Yeah, won’t happen again.” _At least as long as no more arrogant actors get in my way._ Phil could feel his cheeks heating up when he remembered the look on Daniel Howell’s face, though it was more from anger than anything else. He’d been sure he was going to have a heart attack when he realised how much he’d insulted the casting for the film _to_ _Daniel Howell himself._ If Daniel Howell hadn’t been so unpleasant and arrogant, then Phil would almost have felt sorry for him.

As it was, all Phil felt was anger, and a desperate hope that he would _not_ have to run into Daniel Howell again.

Work was quiet for the duration of his shift, but that was the way Phil liked it. He and Lilith loitered by the cash register, or hunted through the shelves, and Phil picked up several more titles that caught his eye from their newest order. Perks of working in a bookshop; endless reading material. Down sides; his PHD often suffered for it.

Phil whiled away the hours curled up in an armchair, or stacking shelves, popping out for a quick coffee next door during his break. By the time his shift drew to a close, it was already getting dark outside. Phil wrinkled his nose at the prospect of walking all the way back to his flat – in this freezing end to winter, he’d be lucky if there wasn’t frost on the ground by the time he made it to his front door.

Shouldering his bag and shrugging on his coat, Phil made his goodbyes to Lilith and then started the long, frozen walk home. The pavement rang under his footsteps, already crisping with frost that would no doubt lie thick on the ground in the morning. They might even get more snow soon. Phil shivered, drawing his coat tight around his form. He was going to have to remember to bring a scarf out with him.

Manchester was quieter at this time, and it was eerie to see the usually busy roads deserted and empty. The road closures seemed to have taken over the majority of the centre, at least in this quarter of the city. A lot of disruption for one film set. Phil wondered what scenes they’d even be filming here – _Last Man Standing_ mostly took place indoors from what he could remember, though he supposed some of the larger fantasy elements would need an outdoor setting. Still, Manchester didn’t exactly ring true to the fantastical city of Allendor that the book was centred around. Special effects could work wonders, Phil supposed.

There were some sounds coming from a few streets away, accompanied by the occasional flashing of light. Phil narrowed his eyes. His route home passed by that street. Hesitantly, he began to wonder if he was even allowed to walk this way – the roads were closed to traffic, but there were no signs up to indicate anything about pedestrians. He pursed his lips. The city couldn’t come to a complete halt just because of some film – he needed to get to work.

Still, Phil slowed his steps to a more cautious pace as he edged up to the place he’d run into Daniel Howell that morning.

Sure enough, the ROAD CLOSED sign still stood proud, blocking the adjacent street to the one Phil was walking along. There were a few people lurking nearby, peering out down the road, or talking in excited whispers. Phil paused for just long enough to glance up the road, taking note of a haze of smoke and some flashing lights. There were camera trails along the ground, and a number of tripod-like shapes were just visible through the smoky haze. A few shadowy figures wandered around together, too far for Phil to take note of who they were.

Filming was happening right here, then.

And right on Phil’s way to work.

He heaved a long-suffering sigh as he continued on his way home. This disruption was awful – it was going to mean he’d have to leave a good hour earlier for work than he was used to. That was fine for a later shift, like todays, but sometimes he had to open up at 8am. Waking at 6 really didn’t feel acceptable to Phil. No, not at all.

He made it back to his apartment in the dark, closing the door firmly behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies that not much really happens this chapter, but it IS a slow burn. ^_^ Thanks for all the comments so far! <3

Daniel Howell was there again the next day.

Phil had another afternoon shift at the bookshop, but he’d forced himself to leave an hour earlier, coffee in hand, hair windswept and messy. He’d barely spared the film set a thought in his rush to get outside on time, but now, here he was, striding down the street towards the ominous ROAD CLOSED sign.

And there was an irritatingly familiar tall figure leaning against a wall.

There were a few other people standing near him, and Phil could hear their excited chattering even from ten paces away. Their phones were out, and they were snapping photos, and Daniel Howell seemed to just be lapping it all up. As Phil drew closer, he could see the arrogant smirk twitching Daniel Howell’s lips, and the way his dark eyes would light up in the flashes of the camera.

Phil ducked his head as he drew near, quickening his steps.

Unfortunately, he didn’t make it far before a drawl he recognised all too well caught him on his way. “Ah, if it isn’t the incredibly rude man from the other day.”

Phil resisted the urge to lift his eyes to the heavens. Instead, he painted a patient smile on his face, and reluctantly looked over at the other man. “I’m presuming you mean me.”

“Well, yes.” Daniel Howell was looking directly at him, the irritating smirk still present. The others surrounding him drew back a little, staring in awe between him and Phil, but Daniel Howell’s gaze never strayed from Phil’s face. “Amazingly enough, I don’t have that many rude people in my life.”

“That’s a miracle,” Phil muttered under his breath.

Daniel Howell arched one perfect brow – probably styled, knowing the sorts of circles he moved in. Or Phil presumed he moved in, anyway. He pushed away from the wall, stepping towards Phil. His motions were lazy, unhurried.

Phil subconsciously drew back a step.

“I mean, I should probably thank you, really,” Daniel Howell drawled.

Phil blinked. “Um. Thank me?”

“Yeah, it’s not often I get such an _honest_ opinion.” Daniel Howell gave a tiny, sweeping gesture to the rest of the crowd, lowering his voice. “I usually just get wild fans like _them._ ”

Phil resisted the urge to snort. _Of all the arrogant presumptions…_ Still, Phil managed to keep his face mostly straight, replying in a neutral tone, “How difficult that must be for you.”

“Eh,” Daniel Howell shrugged, “I get through it.”

Phil shook his head, his lips quirking despite himself.

“Anyway.” Daniel Howell was smirking now, his eyes trained on Phil. “Have you revised your opinion at all, from yesterday?”

Phil didn’t sensor his small laugh this time. “I’m not going to compliment you, if that’s what you’re after.”

“Shame, that.” Daniel Howell shook his head, his expression betraying slight interest. “You recognised me when you saw me, so clearly you _must_ have seen me before.”

Phil bit down on his inner cheek. He struggled to keep his voice casual. “Ah. Maybe once.”

“Only once? I am surprised.”

Phil couldn’t stop his derisive snort this time. “What, are you _that_ amazed that I might not have seen every single thing you’ve ever been in?”

“Not exactly,” Daniel Howell shrugged, his eyes sparkling, “But it would make you something of a novelty.”

Phil resisted the urge to roll his eyes. This was just what he needed – to become a plaything for some arrogant upstart. He turned away from Dan, ignoring the rest of the crowd that had gathered around him.

“Leaving so soon?” Daniel Howell chuckled.

“I’ve got work.”

“So have I,” Daniel Howell shrugged, glancing over his shoulder at the film set barely visible behind the swirling of the smoke machines. “Probably, anyway.”

“Then don’t let me keep you.” Phil spoke through gritted teeth. He strode away as quickly as he could without appearing visibly rude, a cold flood of relief washing over him when Daniel Howell didn’t stop him. The small crowd of people parted for Phil, but he was met with a few judgemental looks, and more than one open-mouthed stare.

Phil forced himself to remain calm as he strode on down the street.

\---

Later that night, Phil curled up in his empty flat, his sofa cushions arranged just the way he liked them so he had a comfy little corner to curl up in and call his own. He had four textbooks open, each occupying the nearest flat surface he could find (one balanced rather precariously on the back of his sofa), and a mug of steaming coffee in his hand. His laptop was open as he endeavoured to take notes for his PHD, knowing his supervisor would be on his case if he didn’t have this in by the end of the week.

Trouble was, with Phil having to walk to his job at the bookstore every day, he had to add on another good two hours to his day. He never thought he’d actually _miss_ the unreliable bus service. Worse, the bloody film set was going to be there for the next five months – which would leave only two months or so until Phil’s PHD was actually finished. This disruption was going to affect him for the foreseeable future.

As long as he didn’t run into Daniel Howell again, Phil thought he could cope.

There were, of course, other routes Phil could take into work, but they all involved a large detour that would add anything between half an hour to two whole hours extra onto his already extended work day, and Phil really couldn’t afford the missed time. Besides, one spoiled brat of an actor wasn’t going to bother Phil that much – he was 26, a proper adult, he didn’t let children affect him anymore.

How old even _was_ Daniel Howell? With that babyface, was he even in his 20s yet?

Phil deliberated for a moment, his fingers poised over his textbooks, before he gave in and grabbed his laptop. He pulled up google and hesitated for just another second before typing in _Daniel Howell._

Instantly, he was flooded with page after page in the search results. Phil shook his head. No wonder the guy had such an issue with attention – he must be used to getting admired from every angle. Well, Phil wasn’t going to be doing _that_ any time soon.

He clicked on a general information page, raising his brows as he scrolled through the facts. Daniel Howell was 21 years old, and a bit of a sensation for getting pulled out of his drama academy early to start getting professional work. Since then, he’d been going from star role to star role, gradually making a name for himself, until some of the biggest directors had him on their first-choice list. The current role he’d be playing in _Last Man Standing_ looked like it would be his biggest to date, though.

Phil pursed his lips, mildly impressed despite himself. He knew a few of the directors mentioned, and he liked and respected their work – so there must be _something_ about Daniel Howell if they wanted him. Plus, Phil begrudgingly admitted, he _had_ enjoyed _Reckless_. He even recalled nearly buying a poster of Jackson – which he now thanked all the stars he hadn’t, because how embarrassing would _that_ be to have a poster of Daniel Howell on his wall when he knew just how unpleasant the actor was in person.

A sound at the door disturbed Phil from his reverie. He settled his laptop carefully on the pile of textbooks, then jumped up to his feet and scurried to the door, opening it to reveal PJ.

Phil quirked a brow, stepping aside to let his friend in. “Come back again, have you?”

“Yes, but,” PJ lifted his hands to show a bottle of wine and a couple of pizza boxes, “This time I bring gifts.”

Phil’s expression brightened as he waved PJ in. “Not necessary, but thanks.”

“It is necessary!” PJ declared loudly as he strode in, making himself comfortable on Phil’s sofa. “You saved my life, mate, my boss _loved_ my film.”

“Yeah? You showed it to him, then?”

“Yep! And get this – he wants to present it to the board.”

Phil arched a brow. “Board?”

“Yeah, the company board – they decide what films they want to pursue, which projects they support, that kind of thing.”

“Oh, I see.” Phil blinked, a smile threatening at the corners of his mouth. “And your boss wants to show them your film?”

“Yep!” PJ’s grin was so huge Phil was worried it would fall off his face.

Phil matched the expression, his eyes lighting up. “That’s incredible, Peej, congrats.”

“Thanks.” PJ was practically preening.

“I knew you could do it.”

“I owe you, though,” PJ added seriously. “If you hadn’t edited it so quickly, there’s no way it would have been done on time.”

Phil waved him away, grabbing for one of the pizza boxes. “No worries. Just maybe back up your files next time.”

PJ nodded fervently in agreement.

They settled into Phil’s sofa, sticking on an old favourite TV show to watch as they chatted and munched on pizza together. Phil could feel himself properly relaxing for the first time in what felt like too long. PJ was the best friend Phil had ever made, and time with him was difficult to come by these days. Phil often longed for their undergraduate days, when they were careless students flying through their degrees, spending more time lounging on each other’s bedroom floors than actually sitting in lectures.

But adulthood caught up with them all eventually, and with Phil’s PHD and PJ’s demanding job, they didn’t see each other too much anymore. Phil missed evenings like these – fully relaxed, laughing in each other’s company.

Later in the evening, PJ nudged Phil’s laptop with his foot, making the screen light up. He raised his eyebrows when he saw the search page still up from earlier. “Daniel Howell? Really?”

Phil shrugged, weirdly embarrassed. “Was just looking some stuff up. Y’know, seeing as everyone’s so excited about him being here.”

“And? You impressed?”

“Eh.” Phil shrugged, his tone diffident. “He’s been in some good titles, I guess.”

PJ snorted. “Too right he has. He’s got good taste.”

“Maybe if he wasn’t such a dick,” Phil muttered.

PJ sent him a questioning glance.

Phil looked back, scratching the back of his head. “Nothing.”

“…If you say so.” PJ turned back to the laptop screen, scrolling through some of the titles. “Oh, look, he’s in _Unlucky in Love!_ I want to see that.”

Phil narrowed his eyes a little. “What’s that?”

“New film, it’s out next week.”

Phil grimaced. Sounded like any other trashy romcom by the title, and while Phil wasn’t against a bit of romance, he _was_ against big film companies turning out terrible, sameish films with boring, bland actors churning out the same old lines.

“I’m really itching to see it,” PJ added.

Phil’s eyes narrowed. He _knew_ that tone. And sure enough, when he turned his head he saw PJ sending him a wide-eyed, persuasive stare.

Phil glared. “No way.”

“Oh, come _on_!” PJ’s tone turned whiny.

“No.”

“I can’t go by myself,” PJ grumbled, “And you’re the only friend who lets me rant about directing the whole way through.”

Phil continued to glare, but he could feel his resilience crumbling. It only took PJ a couple more minutes of relentless staring for Phil to throw his hands up and agree. “Alright. Fine. But you owe me again.”

PJ waved a hand, speaking through his grin. “Add it to the list.”

\---

For the next few days, Phil was glad to say that his walk to work did not involve any more meetings with the arrogant upstart that was Daniel Howell. His days were mostly uneventful, in fact. Lilith kept him quietly busy at the bookshop, and the relative peace and comfort that came from being around old books helped Phil settle down. He was still annoyed at his lengthy walk to and from work, but he’d grown up enough to recognise that maybe hating an entire film crew just because of that wasn’t the most mature thing to do.

One evening, Phil locked up the bookstore – Lilith already went home – and slid his keys into his pocket, beginning to make his way through the familiar streets. Manchester at night was one of Phil’s favourite sights, and especially at this time of year. The air was just beginning to warm up, the first few hints of spring hovering on the horizon. Frost still lay on the ground, but the beginnings of shoots just dared to peek up, adding sprigs of pleasant green to the otherwise grey cityscape.

Phil’s steps were unhurried as he made his way home. The evening was already far gone enough that he knew there’d be no point working on his PHD when he got back, so tonight was entirely his, to do with as he liked. He almost dawdled through the streets. The city was still much quieter than he was used to, what with most of the roads being closed, and there were only a few other people out along with Phil himself.

That was, until Daniel Howell met him again.

Phil almost cursed aloud when he saw the irritatingly familiar figure leaning against the wall by the ROAD CLOSED sign. Unfortunately, Daniel Howell had already seen him, and was smirking right in his direction by the time Phil looked up. So there was no chance he could just put his head down and barrel on past.

No, Phil had to at least attempt to be polite. Even if it was the last thing in the entire universe he wanted to do.

“Back again, I see,” Daniel Howell spoke in his slow drawl as soon as Phil was within earshot.

Phil didn’t even bother faking a smile today. Instead, he just replied with a tired glance. “I have to walk this way.”

“And here I thought you were coming to see me again.”

“You wish,” Phil shook his head. He attempted to walk past as smoothly as possible, relieved that there were no squealing fangirls around at this time of night.

“Wait.”

Daniel Howell’s voice cracked through the air between them, stopping Phil short. Slowly, he turned back around, and Daniel Howell had pushed away from the wall, standing tall in the centre of the street. His warm brown eyes were fixed straight on Phil, and his expression was almost … curious? “I want to talk to you.”

Phil gave a slow, deliberate blink.

 _Daniel Howell wanted to talk to him?_ Just what had his life become?

“Come on,” Daniel Howell held his hands up, his expression soft and open. “We haven’t had an actual conversation yet, after all.”

Well, Phil supposed he had a point there. He shifted on his feet, releasing a slow breath before he jerked his head in a cautious nod. Getting to know each other better couldn’t end badly, could it?

Daniel Howell smiled at him. “Good. Hi. I’m Dan.”

He held out a hand, which Phil carefully took, still eyeing Dan warily. “I’m Phil.”

“Hi, Phil.” Dan shook his hand once before dropping it again, his dark eyes still fixed on Phil’s face. A cold silence settled between them – not exactly uncomfortable, but not exactly easy either. Phil shifted on his feet a little, wondering just what exactly Dan wanted from him.

Well, Phil couldn’t miss this opportunity while he had it.

“Look,” Phil began slowly, “I’m sorry for the way we met. Honestly.”

Dan lifted one brow.

“If I’d known who you were – well, I still would have thought what I said, but I wouldn’t have put it so bluntly,” Phil added lamely.

Dan gave a quiet snort. “I think I’m almost more offended.”

Phil winced. “Yeah. Sorry. I’m not – I don’t really do people very well.”

“I’m picking up on that.” Much to Phil’s surprise, Dan’s tone was riddled with amusement. In the streetlights his face was illuminated, and his hair was styled some weird way – he was in costume, Phil realised slowly – and it made him look more like Jackson, from _Reckless._ He was softer, somehow. More relaxed.

“Anyway,” Dan continued, and even his voice was quieter. “I actually didn’t want to talk about you apologising. Though that’s a nice bonus.”

Phil immediately retracted any thoughts he had that Daniel Howell might be a nice person.

“My question is,” Dan added with a slight smirk, “What brings you this way every day, if you clearly hate my film set so much?”

Phil snorted. “ _Your_ film set. Yeah, right.”

“Excuse me?”

“Just like an actor.” Phil shook his head, and maybe it was too late, or maybe he was just too tired to deal with spoiled brats right then, but he seemed to have lost his politeness filter again. “Pretty sure the director and crew are the ones that own the set.”

Dan’s eyes narrowed. “And what exactly would you know about it?”

“More than you’d think,” Phil muttered savagely.

“Oh?” Dan’s voice had turned into a shard of ice. “Because newsflash, being a film nerd doesn’t make you an expert on the industry. _My_ industry.”

Phil bit his tongue before he could retaliate and do more damage than he probably already had. Daniel Howell didn’t know that Phil knew anything about film. He didn’t _need_ to know. And besides, Phil begrudgingly admitted, he didn’t know much of what went on in a professional set, much as he’d love to.

But, as an editor, and seeing PJ struggling to make it as a director, Phil had some idea of just how difficult being a crew member on a big film could be.

“With all due respect,” Phil managed, his tone clipped, “I’m exhausted, and I want to go home. So if you’ll excuse me…”

Dan stepped aside, his eyes glittering. “Easily. Clearly you’re always rude – I thought maybe I just caught you on a bad day at first.”

Phil stopped short, his eyes narrowing.

“My followers must have been right,” Dan added.

“Wait.” Phil span back around. “Followers?”

“Yeah. They’ve been telling me you’re a rude arsehole.” Dan ran his eyes slowly down Phil’s body, and despite himself, Phil shivered. “Clearly I should have listened.”

Before Phil could get himself together enough to close his mouth and think up some witty retort, Dan sent him one more snide sneer before wheeling around and disappearing back onto the film set.

Phil watched him go with something odd sitting in the base of his stomach. The cold night air that seemed so fresh before now bit at his shoulders, his thin jacket not doing much to keep the freezing night off him. Phil felt strangely hollow as he directed his steps back home.

But Daniel Howell was a bastard. Phil didn’t care about what he thought.

Still, the news about Dan’s followers did bug Phil quite a bit. So much so that once he was curled up in bed that night, his miserable microwaved meal sitting uncomfortably in his stomach, he gave in and opened up twitter.

Daniel Howell was one of the first results to pop up, and his username brought Phil a chuckle – _danisnotonfire,_ the hell? Must be left over from his teenage days, surely. Phil raised his brows when he saw the many thousands of followers that Dan had accumulated – though he supposed he shouldn’t be surprised, the guy was young and apparently attractive and clearly knew his way around the internet. Phil’s brow furrowed as he scrolled through some of his tweets. Mostly just typical dull day-to-day tweets of his morning coffee or a sneak peek of the film set. There were also an abundant number of selfies, to which Phil rolled his eyes.

But there, from a few days ago, sat one tweet that caught Phil’s eye.

 _@danisnotonfire:_ just met the RUDEST man. Apparently our film set 'got in his way'. Did the cameras and smoke machines not give it away?! #irritatingstranger

Despite himself, Phil felt his stomach clench a little. Had he really made that much of an impression from their one brief meeting? Sure, Phil made an idiot of himself, which wasn’t uncommon, but he didn’t usually get to see the results of his idiocy plastered all across the internet.

There were literally _hundreds_ of replies to the tweet, as well, some of which Dan had responded to.

 _@dangirl342:_ @danisnotonfire srsly rude does he not know you’re in the best film ever?

 _@danisnotonfire:_ @dangirl342 apparently not. He also doesn’t rate any of us actors in it. Thinks we’re trash.

 _@fangirlingforever:_ @danisnotonfire OMG he doesn’t have a clue what he’s talking about you’re the best don’t listen

 _@danisnotonfire:_ @fangirlingforever thnx xxx

 _@danslittleangel:_ @danisnotonfire dan was he cute at least

 _@danisnotonfire:_ @danslittleangel maybe an 8

Phil dropped his phone like it was made of blue flames.

 _Maybe an 8?_ The hell did that mean? A mixture of irritation and confusion settled in Phil’s stomach, along with a tinge of something far too warm for his liking. Daniel Howell was straight, wasn’t he? Phil was sure he’d seen a few nonsense articles waffling on about how Dan was going on dates with fellow actresses. In fact, hadn’t he been with his co-star from _Reckless?_ Susie whats-her-face?

So what on earth was he doing complimenting Phil on twitter?

If that’s what he _was_ doing. Which he most likely wasn’t. Phil sternly reminded himself that he was a little dot in the sea of the world, meaningless, floating along without really having too wide an effect. Not like Daniel Howell. No, Daniel Howell was a freaking manta ray, causing endless ripples.

He had nothing to do with Phil Lester.

Maybe Phil had underestimated just how bad this situation actually was. Phil just thought he was having to deal with an annoyance sometimes on his walk to work, if Daniel Howell happened to be there greeting his fans and seemed to be incapable of letting Phil walk past without sending some sly remark his way. But that was as far as Phil thought it went. Some annoying, irritable conversing, and the odd glare between two strangers; that was all.

But apparently not.

Phil didn’t take into consideration the huge number of people Dan had on his side. Nor did Phil think for a _second_ that Dan would actually talk about him on his social media. The army of Dan’s fans (that he apparently had) would no doubt be after Phil’s blood if they knew who he was. At least Dan had the sense to leave his name out of it (unless that was just down to the character limit, in which case Phil needed to send a thank-you letter to Twitter ASAP).

Either way, apparently, Phil’s actions had much further-reaching consequences than he’d considered.

Gnawing on his lip, Phil hesitated for a moment before clicking on the ‘follow’ button next to Dan’s name. He was sure he’d get lost in the sea of new followers Dan must get every day, but Phil decided he needed to be kept up to date with what Dan was posting, in case any of it mentioned him again. Phil rarely used twitter, only occasionally tweeting something about his day or networking with other film editors, but it was a vaguely useful thing to have. If it let him keep up with Dan, then that was a bonus.

Not that Phil cared what he was doing. It would just be easier to keep track of their awkward, irritating encounters. Maybe Phil should try being a little more tactful next time, though.

He rolled over, switching apps on his phone to watch some videos for a while before he settled enough to get to sleep. He was halfway through a kitten video when a notification lit up the top of the screen with a new tweet from – of all people – Dan.

 _@danisnotonfire:_ Incredibly Rude Man was back. Still not impressed with the film. We’ll just have to prove him wrong, won’t we?

There were already countless replies flooding in by the time Phil had tapped on the tweet. Reams and reams of support for Dan were flying in from every angle, along with a few less-than-pleasant comments about the man he was referring to.

Phil had no doubt the tweet was about him.

Even as the thought crossed his mind, Phil could feel anger beginning to simmer away in his stomach. It wasn’t like Dan was a perfect princess, either! He was less than civil to Phil, with his arrogant presumptions and stupid smirk and irritating ability to always be in the way at the worst possible time. Yet he still had all these fans clamouring over his every word, without knowing any of the actual details. None of them had probably even _met_ Dan, in all his arrogant, irritating glory.

Phil hit the reply button before he was fully aware of what he was doing, angrily typing.

 _@amazingphil:_ @danisnotonfire you sure you’re telling the truth? I hear Incredibly Rude Man was just trying to get home when you assaulted him

Phil paused before replying, deliberating, trying to talk himself down. Getting embroiled in some kind of public war with an infamous actor was really _not_ going to help him, or his career, and it was frankly childish. Phil should just delete the tweet, get some sleep, and start fresh in the morning.

Except the flood of replies in support of Dan kept coming through, and Dan kept replying to them with endless kisses and insincere ‘thank you’s, and Phil just couldn’t let it slide.

He posted the tweet.

As soon as it was done, Phil clicked off the app and shoved his phone under his pillow, breathing heavily. He regretted it as soon as the tweet went through. He didn’t _do_ this kind of thing – as a rule, Phil didn’t really like attracting attention to himself, especially negative attention. He was always happy behind-the-scenes, working on his editing, occasionally filming something for PJ if he needed a hand. Phil did _not_ make public scenes. He just didn’t.

But he was angry, and Daniel Howell was an annoying twat, and it was too late at night for this kind of nonsense.

Phil lay still until the constant churning of his thoughts became unbearable and he grabbed for his phone again, clicking back onto the kitten video. Animals would help him forget what an idiotic mess he was making out of his real life. Besides, his reply was going to get lost in the hundreds upon thousands of tweets Daniel Howell must get daily. There was no reason he’d see the one from Phil. And even if he did, he wouldn’t _know_ it was Phil. Not necessarily.

Right?

Phil only made it through three short videos before a new twitter notification came through.

 _@danisnotonfire:_ @amazingphil really depends on your opinion. Personally I thought I was being quite charming

Ok, but Phil really could _not_ resist replying to that. Was this guy even for real?

 _@amazingphil:_ @danisnotonfire If you call standing in the middle of the street and smirking ‘charming’

The reply from Dan came just an instant later, and Phil had to pause, wondering for a second if any of this was even real.

_Daniel Howell was tweeting him._

What?

 _@danisnotonfire:_ @amazingphil I do. And you should too if you know what’s good for you :P

Phil stared. So apparently they were at emoji level now? Was that really something that happened if you got into public fights with famous actors?

Apparently so.

As Phil stared at the reply in something a little too close to shock, his notifications began blowing up, tweets firing at an alarming rate until he feared the app would actually crash.

 _@howellsfam:_ @danisnotonfire @amazingphil dan is this really the guy?!

 _@lilyisnotanangel:_ @danisnotonfire @amazingphil wow look Incredibly Rude Man drama rn

 _@whatisthis:_ @danisnotonfire @amazingphil DAN TWEETED YOU :P ASFDSHKLS IM NOT BREATHING

Phil stared at the flood until his fears were realised and the app actually _did_ crash, apparently unable to cope with the sudden influx of impossibly quick fans. They must hang off Dan’s every tweet. No wonder the guy had such a thing about attention. He shoved his phone back under his pillow, giving up on the animal videos and instead tugging his bedcovers up over his head.

It wouldn’t take long for twitter to forget about this, would it? Phil would soon be buried among the rest of Daniel Howell’s countless replies, hidden by the endless streams of selfies and fanservice. He’d be safe again soon. No one would even remember this happening.

Right?

Phil went to sleep that night with a troubled frown coating his features and a heavy feeling of dread sitting low in his gut.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another chapter for ya. Thanks so much to everyone leaving me feedback and reading and enjoying this, I've been really amazed at how much people seem to like it already. I'm trying to keep updating at least once a week, but uni is about to start up again, so we'll see how that goes. Be patient with me. ^_^
> 
> Super special thanks to the awesome OvereducatedAndOverworked for being my fabulous beta! She is catching all my typos and making my writing generally so much better. So, thank you <3

Predictably, the internet didn’t forget about Phil’s tweet.

He woke the next day to such a giant flood of Twitter notifications that he had to remove the app from his phone because the numerous messages made it crash repeatedly. He checked the messages on his laptop, curiosity getting the better of him, but he only made it through the first thirty or so before he got tired of the endless fangirl squealing and few hate comments directed his way. Apparently, some people still wanted to berate him for daring to criticise their favourite actor.

Daniel Howell remained conspicuously silent about the whole thing.

_‘Must be normal for him,’_ Phil thought savagely as he shoved his laptop away. Personally, he hated any sort of drama, and he was already seriously regretting tweeting Dan back in the first place. Better he’d just left it alone.

He just couldn’t stand the thought of not defending himself. Dan was the one at fault here. He was the one publicly stirring everyone up. Not Phil.

None of this was Phil’s fault.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Phil’s follower count was steadily increasing as well, so maybe that would actually do his business some good. Not that Phil was proud. His stomach soured at the thought of gaining success thanks to someone like _Daniel Howell._

Thankfully, it was the weekend, which meant Phil had no shifts at the bookshop. Instead, he was going to use the day to get caught up with some of his PhD work, which meant he could laze around in his pyjamas and never go outside if that’s what he wanted.

In other words, a perfect day.

Phil was just settling down with his textbooks when his phone buzzed. Fearing that Twitter had come back to haunt him, Phil considered ignoring it, but then it buzzed again and he scooped it up to see a text from PJ.

**PJ:** hey so unlucky in love comes out tonight, meet me at 7?

Phil grimaced. The _last_ thing he needed was more Dan in his life, even in the form of a character in a new film. In fact, all he really wanted was to curl up in his room and hide until real life and work forced him back into the outside world.

As if reading his mind, another text came through thirty seconds later.

**PJ:** I know you won’t want to but you promised, remember?

Phil grimaced. He knew making any kind of promise to PJ was a bad idea—it always ended with him being forced into situations he’d much rather avoid—but a promise was a promise, and PJ was the closest thing to a best friend Phil had ever had. He needed to keep their friendship up, and even PJ wouldn’t take someone who just hid in their room every single time he tried to arrange something.

So, groaning, Phil dragged himself into his bedroom to put on some proper clothes.

\---

The night was a cold, frosty one—one of the last such of the year, with spring just peeking its nose around the corner. The stony pavements rang with footsteps, the sky clear, the moon shining brightly. Phil considered this to be the perfect night for a walk, for being outside, for enjoying the beauty of Manchester from its quiet, night-time outskirts.

Not so much for going to a busy film screening in the very centre of the city.

Phil leaned against the wall of the cinema, his arms folded, his gaze fixed on the floor by his feet. The screening looked to be a popular one, with crowds of people milling around outside the cinema’s busy entrance. Phil did his best to avoid them all. The noise rattled in his skull, but he did his best to melt into the background. Not the easiest thing to do when he was six-foot-two and stood out like a sore thumb, but still.

“Well,” a voice called just to Phil’s right, “I didn’t expect to see _you_ here.”

Phil cursed inside his head.

That voice. That stupid, irritating, obnoxious voice cut through the sharp air like a knife through butter, and Phil cursed his luck. Could he really, _really_ , not manage to go even a few days without seeing the arrogant face of Daniel Howell?

With a long-suffering sigh, Phil opened his eyes and looked to his right and there, sure enough, stood Dan. Phil all but groaned aloud. “What are _you_ doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” There was a hint of a chuckle in Dan’s tone as he leaned against the wall next to Phil. “Thought you hated any film I’m in.”

Phil shifted just a little away. “I never said that.”

“No,” Dan agreed mildly, “But I’m pretty sure you called me a lame actor chosen for my pretty face. Right?”

Phil grimaced. “Um. Sorry?”

“Don’t be, I always appreciate honesty. And at least you called me pretty.”

Phil’s face screwed up further. “I wouldn’t know.”

“Oh come on, no need to be coy.” Dan chuckled, his tone a low drawl.

Phil turned his face away deliberately, trying his best to ignore the tall, lurking figure by his side. Dan’s arrogance was not attractive in the slightest. Not that Phil knew much about these things. He’d never had much of an interest in relationships _—_ especially not the physical side—and once he’d got to uni, he realised that everyone else was interested in hooking up when he just didn’t get it _._ He’d found the term ‘asexual’ online, and it seemed to make sense of the way he felt, not that he was super keen on labels. The only person who knew was PJ, and he didn’t care, but Phil didn’t exactly want Dan to know. It was no one’s business. So, Phil scowled at the ground, his fingers digging into his arms as he spoke again. “Why are _you_ here, anyway?”

“Is a man not allowed to enjoy a night out?”

“But you’re _in_ this film,” Phil pointed out, “Why on earth would you come see it?”

Dan chuckled, his warm brown eyes dancing at Phil. “Why not? This way I know it’s good.”

Phil lifted his eyes heavenward. “I should have known better than to get a decent answer from you.”

“You’re learning quickly, I see.” Dan was truly smirking by now.

Phil deliberately looked away. Dan’s presence was setting Phil on edge, as it always seemed to. He could already feel his stomach tying itself up into an angry little knot, his mind helpfully throwing any good insults he knew his way. But Phil should at least _try_ and be civil. He didn’t like being rude—at least, not on any normal occasion. And, frankly, he’d done enough damage on Twitter last night.

“Besides,” Dan continued quietly after a few minutes, “This is one of the best places for me to hide.”

Phil sent him a questioning look, and his breath was stolen away slightly by what he saw. Dan was glancing down at the pavement, his expression pensive. He was still leaning up against the wall. His presence was warm beside Phil.

“No one looks for me here,” Dan explained with a wry smirk. “No one thinks I’d be arrogant enough to show up at my own film screening.”

Phil allowed himself a smile in return. “Well, clearly they don’t know you very well.”

“Hey. I think you just offended me. For about the twelfth time.” Dan shook his head. “Quite a talent, seeing as we’ve only met, like, twice.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“You really _are_ an arsehole.”

“Not normally,” Phil replied honestly. “You just seem to have a habit of catching me at a bad time.”

Dan sent him a lingering look at that. Phil squirmed a little uncomfortably against the wall, only holding his gaze for a few moments before dropping his eyes back down to look at the floor.

“Well,” Dan said softly, “Maybe I’ll just have to catch you at a better time in the future.”

Phil glanced back up again, quirking a brow. ‘ _If you’re lucky.’_ Somehow, he doubted there would ever be a time he was happy to talk to such an arrogant, selfish prick, but Phil supposed he shouldn’t rule anything out. And Dan was sending him quite a nice smile.

Then, of course, he had to go and ruin it.

“My Twitter followers still hate you, of course,” Dan added with an airy wave of his hand.

Phil’s eyes narrowed. “And you always listen to people on the internet?”

“At least they aren’t downright rude to my face.”

“No, they just flaunt compliments at you to get your attention,” Phil spat back sarcastically.

Dan’s brows drew tight. “And you have a problem with that?”

“ _No_. ” Phil blew a breath out, slowly, keeping a tight rein on his temper. He didn’t understand what had got into him – usually, it took him ages to get angry enough to blow up at someone, but Dan just seemed to push all his buttons.

Just at that moment, thankfully, footsteps sounded to Phil’s left and PJ’s familiar voice sounded, slightly breathless. “Hey! Sorry I’m a bit late.”

“No worries.” Phil sent one more glare Dan’s way before pointedly turning his back, facing PJ instead.

PJ glanced between Phil and Dan, one brow arching. He looked up at Dan properly, and quickly drew back, his eyes widening. “Wait. Is that…?”

“He’s no one,” Phil quickly cut in, grabbing PJ’s arm and beginning to drag him away. “He’s annoying.”

“Phil, that’s—”

“Not important.”

PJ wrenched out of his grip, spinning back around. “No, that’s—that’s _Daniel Howell!_ ”

Phil closed his eyes. He held back a long-suffering sigh.

“Phil!” PJ’s voice sounded excited. “Why didn’t you tell me you know him‽”

Phil grimaced, opening his eyes to fix PJ with a stern look. Unfortunately, the worst of Phil’s fears were confirmed. It was more than evident from PJ’s wide, excited eyes and big grin that he couldn’t have been more thrilled with this turn of events. He leaned away from Phil, instead turning back to glance up at Daniel Howell, obvious admiration in his tone. “It’s really you, right?”

“Yes,” Dan responded dryly, “But I’d rather you didn’t shout it out. Kinda trying to be inconspicuous here.”

“Oh! I’m sorry.” PJ instantly lowered his voice. He held out a hand for Daniel Howell to shake, unable to hold back his wide smile. “I’m just excited to see you. Been a fan for a while!”

“Nice to meet you, uh…?”

“PJ.”

“PJ.” Dan shook his hand with a pointed glance in Phil’s direction. “It’s nice to meet someone who has a normal reaction to me.”

“Oh, for _God’s_ sake,” Phil muttered under his breath. “Could you _get_ any more arrogant?”

Dan merely grinned at him.

PJ, however, sent a slightly confused look between Phil and Dan. The tension was obvious between them, sitting thick enough to cut, evident in Phil’s lowered brow and Dan’s heavy stare. PJ gave a surprised laugh. “Has Phil not been civil?”

“Anything but,” Dan cut in with a snicker. “You know he told me to my face that I only got cast for my good looks?”

“Hey,” Phil cut in quickly, seeing PJ’s shocked expression, “In my defence, I didn’t know who you were then.”

“Yeah, but then you said you would have said the same thing anyway.”

“Phil!” PJ turned to him with a shocked expression.

Phil fidgeted, for the first time feeling the beginnings of guilt stirring in his stomach. He wasn’t used to PJ sending him such judgemental, hurt looks. He ignored it as best he could. It wasn’t _his_ fault Dan seemed to bring out the worst in him. PJ already knew that Phil was usually the best kind of person.

It was just Daniel Howell that seemed to drag out his bad side.

“Anyway,” Dan pointedly moved towards the door, sending them both a final smirk, “My film’s about to start. You should come in, if you’re going to watch it.”

“Of course.” PJ grabbed Phil’s arm, practically dragging him in after Dan. “And don’t worry, I’m going to force Phil to compliment you in this after he’s been so rude.”

“Don’t you dare,” Phil hissed into his ear. He could already picture Dan’s smug, arrogant expression, hear his stupid obnoxious laughter. There was no way Phil would ever give him the satisfaction.

“Calm down!” PJ murmured back, quirking a brow in Phil’s direction. They paused at the ticket machine, putting a bit of distance between themselves and Dan, who strode straight towards the theatre entrance without a second look. PJ fixed Phil with a stern look. “Is what he said true?”

Phil shifted uncomfortably.

“Phil!” PJ shook his head. “What on Earth got into you?”

“He caught me at a bad time,” Phil protested.

“I’ve _never_ known you to be rude.”

“He has a talent for it.”

PJ shook his head, his lips twitching. “Whatever you say. Just behave yourself tonight, ok? It won’t exactly help my career—or yours—if we make an enemy of one of the best actors around.”

“He can’t be _that_ good,” Phil muttered sullenly.

PJ just laughed at him.

They queued up for their tickets, joining the throng of people keen to see the newest release, and Phil had to begrudgingly admit that maybe he was being a bit childish about this whole thing. He’d _loved_ Daniel Howell’s character in _Reckless._ The guy was a good actor, whatever he might be like in person. And PJ had a point—Phil should be thinking practically here, thinking about how good it could be for his career if he got Daniel Howell on his good side.

The thought still made Phil’s stomach sour, though. He just couldn’t abide the idea of using someone else to get for success. Especially someone like _that_.

They got their tickets and moved through to the theatre, and much to Phil’s distress, their seats were right in front of Dan. PJ gave a happy little squeak at this, making straight for their row, but Phil hung back for a long as he could, ducking his head. Was there no way he could escape this stupid, arrogant bastard? He didn’t want to be here in the first place—he really wasn’t sure how well he’d be able to cope with sitting through two hours of Dan, both on the screen _and_ in real life.

But PJ was already waving him over, and Phil didn’t actually want to lose his best friend, so he moved reluctantly over to the row, plastering something like a smile onto his face.

“Hey,” PJ greeted him with a grin, “Thanks for coming tonight, by the way.”

“You’d better be grateful,” Phil muttered back to him as he sat down.

The lights were still bright, the trailers yet to start, and a quiet hum of chatter settled through the theatre. The smell and crunch of popcorn echoed from most seats, almost every seat already taken. Clearly, this was going to be a popular release.

PJ turned behind them, smiling at Dan. “So, do you ever get nervous before watching these?”

“Never,” Dan answered darkly. “I’m perfectly fine with seeing my face plastered all over a giant screen.”

PJ chuckled, and Phil let out a loud snort. Honestly, he couldn’t even tell if the idiot was being sarcastic or not. Dan was wearing a fuzzy hat, pulled low over his face, and he was in a simple hoody with jeans – the most casual Phil had ever seen him.

Dan caught Phil’s stare and quirked a brow. “I hope you will actually watch this.”

“What’s it to you either way?” Phil countered.

Dan leaned back with a light shrug. “Nothing in particular. Just, it’s a good film. Whether or not you like me, you should give it a shot.”

PJ sent him an appraising look. Phil sighed, giving a half-shrug. “Honestly, it’s not really my thing, but I’ll give it a chance.”

“Of course you will,” PJ agreed brightly. “Just geek about the editing, you can probably use it for your thesis.”

“Maybe.”

At these words, Dan perked back up again. He looked questioningly between PJ and Phil. “Thesis?”

“For his PhD,” PJ explained, completely ignoring Phil’s suddenly horrified look. “He’s a film student – did he not tell you?”

“No.” Dan’s brown eyes were suddenly fixed right on Phil again, pinning him in place. “No, he didn’t.”

Phil gulped. He wanted to look away, but something about Daniel Howell’s gaze—so sincere, weirdly calm, and entirely different from his normal persona—kept him in place. Strangely, Phil was nervous. Now that Dan knew what he did, would his opinion of Phil change at all? He’d probably just hate him more. Dan was an actor—why would he give two shits about the people working behind the scenes? Especially not with his arrogance.

And yet, something in Dan’s expression made Phil reconsider everything he’d learned about the young actor so far.

The lights started to dim, plunging the theatre into blackness, and Phil finally broke their gaze. He turned back to face the front with an odd, slightly uncomfortable feeling sitting in his stomach—something oddly close to nerves.

But that was ridiculous. There was absolutely nothing to be nervous about.

Phil curled his fingers into his sides, playing with the hem of his shirt again as he stared up at the screen. The adverts were beginning to play, loud enough to hurt his ears until he adjusted to the volume. PJ by his side was leaning forward, his leg jigging up and down in excitement.

As the adverts went on, Phil found himself wishing he could see Dan, rather than be stuck in front of him. It would be interesting to watch his reactions to this film, to see how he really looked when he was watching himself on a screen.

Instead, Dan would get the pleasure of watching Phil’s reactions.

Phil made a mental note to keep his face smooth as the main feature began to play.

\---

The film, Phil begrudgingly admitted, was actually pretty decent.

Yes, it was a typical rom-com. Yes, it had all the usual tropes that didn’t stand up to further scrutiny, and a plot hole so big an elephant could walk through it, but despite all that, the film was charming and funny and full of warmth. Phil already knew it was exactly the sort of film PJ loved. It was clever, and quirky, and the actors were good at portraying chemistry (and yes, that included Dan, who had been charming and rather adorable as the main male lead).

Not that Phil would ever admit that out loud.

Unfortunately, as soon as the credits began to role, an irritatingly familiar dry voice spoke in Phil’s ear. “So? What did you think?”

Phil almost leaped out of his skin.

He turned, slowly, and saw Dan with a little knowing smirk tugging at his lips, his eyes fixed straight on Phil. That sparked anger in Phil’s stomach, but he pushed the thought away. Instead, he lifted a finger. “Alright, alright, I’ll admit. It was good.”

Dan let out a quiet cheer.

“ _But_ ,” Phil was quick to add, “You have to ignore the plot hole, and the totally unnecessary fanservice…”

“Excuse me?”

“…But other than that, it is a decent film.”

“What unnecessary fanservice?” Dan huffed.

Phil just raised a brow. The film was full of the usual rom-com ‘moments’, but the kiss scene was really unnecessarily long, and there was a shower scene that was definitely just there for the image. Needless to say, Phil averted his eyes during those moments.

Luckily, PJ came to his rescue, spinning around to send Dan a giant grin, enthusiastically chattering away about how much he loved the film. Dan looked suitably flattered, responding with the odd witty sarcasm. More often than not, though, he flicked Phil a smug look.

Phil wondered whether or not he could get away with punching him.

The crowds slowly filtered out of the theatre, until it was quiet enough to hear the crinkling of crisp packets on the floor being stepped on. Phil got to his feet, giving PJ’s arm a small tug. “C’mon. Let’s go, I’ve got work in the morning.”

PJ made a sympathetic noise. “Oh, yeah. That’s sad.”

“It would be fine,” Phil shot a pointed glance at Dan, “If it wasn’t for a certain film set making my journey an hour longer.”

Dan snickered. He lifted both his hands, palm-out. “Don’t blame me. I didn’t make the filming happen here.”

“Why did they pick Manchester?” PJ wondered aloud as they moved towards the exit.

Dan gave a small shrug. “Wasn’t my decision. I have no idea.”

Phil lifted his eyes heavenwards. He shouldn’t be surprised, really. Of course an actor wouldn’t know anything beyond the superficial, boring information. If PJ wanted details, he was going to have to get on the set.

Knowing him, though, he’d probably try.

“Well, I’m glad it’s here,” PJ added with a small smile. “Makes things more exciting, right?”

“I could do without it,” Phil muttered.

PJ shot him a sidelong look, his brows lifted. Phil made a face back at him. “Alright, Peej, we didn’t all fangirl when we saw it was coming here.”

PJ spluttered.

Dan gave a small chuckle, lifting an interested brow. “More of a fan, then?”

“No!” PJ grimaced. “I mean, yeah, it’s just. I’m trying to get into directing, but there isn’t usually much of a scene around here.”

Dan’s eyes brightened with interest. Much to Phil’s surprise, he actually asked PJ for more details, wanting to know which company he was working for. PJ, of course, was more than happy to supply the details, and Phil found himself hanging behind a little as they walked through the streets of Manchester. Dan was still wearing his hat, pulled low over his face, and in his casual attire no one had recognised him so far. Even with his height – taller even than Phil – he managed to be inconspicuous.

Phil wondered quite how he managed that. After all, his face would stand out among a crowd. It was pleasing. And he’d looked really adorable in the film. The character he was playing was a teen, which helped, but Dan brought this raw kind of innocence to the role that made Phil’s chest ache weirdly.

Shame the real thing was such an arrogant mess.

An arrogant mess that was talking to him.

“So you do editing?” Dan slowed a little, allowing Phil to catch them up. “And your friend does directing?”

Phil slid his thumbs into his pockets and nodded.

“Seems like a dream team.”

“If only,” Phil responded with a small smile. “Not much opportunity, but we try.”

“It’s pretty cool though.” Dan’s eyes were bright as he fixed Phil with a curious gaze. “So I guess you do know something about the industry, huh?”

Phil shrugged, biting his inner cheek to hold back a smile. “Maybe a little.”

Dan matched his expression, biting back a smirk. “Just clearly not enough to know a good actor when you see one. I’ll see you around.” He lifted a hand in farewell and turned, heading down a different street.

Phil watched him go, outraged. “Excuse _you_! My taste is perfect, thank you very much!”

He swore he heard ghostly chuckles echoing from Dan’s retreating back.

That _bastard._ Phil cursed internally, turning away with a frown decorating his features. Just when he was beginning to think that Dan was maybe vaguely human, he had to go and ruin it all again. Could he even hear himself? Phil shook his head, his stomach tightening.

PJ walked by his side with a small chuckle. “So. I take it you don’t like him?”

“Have you even _heard_ him?”

PJ laughed aloud. “Well, you know, you _do_ rile him up.”

Phil sent him a shocked look. “What?”

“You know,” PJ’s eyes were twinkling, “You’re always grumbling at him, or glaring at him, or—”

“I am not!”

“I saw you, mate,” PJ snickered, clapping a hand on Phil’s shoulder.

Phil grimaced as they continued through the streets. The air was bitingly cold, gripping his fingers even when he shoved them inside his pockets. Frost whitened the pavement, the night quiet aside from a few blaring traffic horns from deeper in the city. The sky was hidden in a misty haze from the lights, but a few stars just struggled to make themselves known in the clear, cloudless sky.

“You have to admit, though,” PJ added, “The film was pretty great.”

Phil begrudgingly agreed. Whatever else he might be, Daniel Howell was a decent actor. As they continued on, Phil let PJ chatter on about the directing, and the camera angles, and whatever else about the film he’d loved so much (and okay, yes, maybe Phil agreed that the director was clearly a genius and the plot had been charming, if predictable).

But Phil definitely had _not_ liked it. That much.

And he hadn’t had a good time either.

Nope. Definitely not.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was in two minds about posting this, but it’s been sitting in my drafts for a while, so I’m just gonna post it and hope you guys like it ^_^ Thank you for the feedback so far, I’m literally floored by the number of you reading this. Enjoy!
> 
> This is unbetaed so apologies for typos, also some slight ace/bi phobia and erasure may come into this fic (but it’s just because they’re discussing and figuring out their identities)

A few days passed before Phil saw Daniel Howell again.

Work continued, as it always would, and Phil spent his time either shifting books at the shop with Lilith, hanging with PJ, or lying among his textbooks trying to ignore the ever-building pressure that he really should probably have begun writing his thesis by now. He’d already got through his undergrad and his masters, but a PhD was another step up, and Phil was finding his brain fried itself whenever he tried to pull his thoughts together and get them down on paper.

On the plus side, no more annoying interactions had woven their way into his mornings.

Phil’s Twitter account still occasionally blew up, with some people bugging him about whether or not he really _had_ met Daniel Howell. Phil had to admire the dedication of some of Dan’s fans. More than once, Phil had been asked what Dan smelled like, and someone even requested the exact measurement of his fingers. Phil ignored them all, deleting them as soon as they arrived in his inbox. He’d learned his lesson about getting embroiled in Twitter fights.

PJ had noticed the tweets, and left Phil a laughing voicemail questioning his sanity. Why was he getting involved in Twitter fights with Dan if he didn’t even like the guy? Phil had to admit, he was questioning his own sanity as well. He blamed it on his tiredness and irritation that Dan was publicly lying about him.

Well, maybe lying was a strong word. Misleading? Misleading.

Phil shook away the thoughts as he stirred his morning coffee, his eyes bleary. Thankfully, the Twitter messages seemed to be depleting, and Phil was sure that if he kept his silence for a little while longer, then he’d go back to the dredges of the forgotten internet. Right where he wanted to be.

Phil downed the last of his coffee and grabbed his keys, heading out of his flat. The lift was still broken, as ever, so Phil was forced to take the multitude of stairs, wrinkling his nose at the smell. Litter lay scattered around from the night before. The area Phil lived in was still mostly full of students, and he was itching to move on and away from it all. Maybe once his PhD was over he could start looking for more permanent places, perhaps a little further out.

The Manchester streets were as busy as ever. Phil joined the throng of walking commuters, slinging his bag over his shoulder and setting his face down towards the ground. An annoying light drizzle bled through the clouds, leaving a misty film dripping through his fringe, soaking into his jacket. He made it most of the way through the city without incident until he neared the street where the filming was happening.

As usual, there was a crowd of fans thronging the entrance to the closed road, their cameras out. Excited chatter filled the air. Phil kept his distance, his shoes squelching in the newly-formed puddles.

Only, something was different.

There were more people than usual, meaning that Phil had to battle his way through the crowds, much like on the very first day of the filming. The constant chatter fought its way into his ears, and there was the constant flash and snapping of several cameras going off.

Phil looked up, and cursed under his breath.

Daniel Howell was standing at the front of the crowd, a smile on his face. He posed for photos with the fans, shook their hands, gave them hugs, even signed things they thrust in his face. And he wasn’t alone this time. A woman stood next to him, with blonde hair cut into a bob and a warm smile covering her features. Phil vaguely recognised her from somewhere.

The crowd was clamouring for attention, so Phil dropped back as far as he could, ducking his head. The last thing he needed was to get in more trouble. He directed his steps to give Daniel Howell as wide a berth as he could, excusing himself as he pushed passed the people. If only he didn’t have to walk this _exact_ way to work…

“Oh, there you are!”

A collective gasp echoed through the crowd. Phil looked up to see that Dan was moving, the crowds parting to make way, and he was looking directly at Phil.

Directly at Phil, and _heading his way._

Phil cursed in his head, quickly glancing around for any kind of escape route. There _had_ to be a way out, didn’t there? But before he could dive out of the way, Dan was already closing in, that stupid smirk decorating his lips again. “I was waiting for you.”

A small _ooh_ sounded from the crowd.

Phil ignored it as best as he could, instead focusing on Dan. He shuffled his feet, trying to ignore the multitude of people staring up at him. “Um. Why?”

“Could do with your help.” Dan jerked his head, and Phil reluctantly followed him over towards the closed road. The crowd jostled around them, but the other woman with Dan distracted them easily enough, continuing to take pictures and sign things for them.

“One of the cameras is playing up,” Dan explained once they’d found their way to a quieter corner, “And I remembered your friend saying you were good with techy stuff, so–”

“Techy stuff?”

“– I thought I’d come find you,” Dan finished.

Phil just stared at him. “Did you just say _techy stuff_?”

“You know what I mean,” Dan waved a hand. “Anyway. Will you come take a look?”

Phil just stared at him.

Dan just invited him onto a film set.

What?

“Well?” Dan waved him on impatiently.

Phil shook his head. “First of all, you can’t just say _techy stuff_ and expect me to know what you mean –”

“I’ll explain on the way.”

“– And secondly, why on _earth_ are you asking _me_?”

Dan blinked. “Huh?”

Phil gave a short laugh. “Well, you must have technicians. People that can help. Why wait around for me?”

“Because the technician is an hour away,” Dan answered wryly, “And I remembered you usually come by around this time, so I thought I’d see if you’re free.”

Phil just stared at him.

“Are you?” Dan raised a brow. “Because if not, I’ll just head on back…”

“No, no,” Phil rushed. He pulled out his phone, checking the time. “I have a few minutes before I have to get to work.”

Dan smiled at him.

Actually _smiled._

“Come on, then.” He gestured for Phil to follow, leading him past the ROAD CLOSED sign and up into the smoky haze beyond.

Phil had to admit, he felt a spark of excitement flutter in his stomach. This was a proper, professional film set, for the film of a book that he absolutely loved, and he was actually getting to have a first look at it. Whatever crap he might have to put up with might actually be worth it. Dan strode along next to him, hands shoved deep in his black coat, his hair styled again. The road filled more and more with smoke the further on they walked.

Phil couldn’t resist staring around as they approached the set, feeling a little like a child in a sweet shop. Groups of people stood around the outskirts of the set, chattering quietly. The smoke machines provided a constant buzz in the background, blowing out gusts of the stuff to thickly coat the air, blurring the streets of Manchester to look like another world. With some clever lighting, and a bit of post-production magic, Phil could clearly see how this set would look like the mythical city of Allendor.

“This way.” Dan caught Phil’s arm, steering him around the outskirts towards one of the cameras. A small, plump man with an impressive afro was crouched over it, staring at the wires despairingly.

He looked up when Dan approached. “Is this the guy?”

“This is the guy,” Dan affirmed with a nod. “Phil, meet Xander.”

Xander got to his feet, holding out a hand, which Phil shook. Xander’s dark skin glistened with sweat, and his eyes were a little wild as he stared up at Phil. “ _Please_ tell me Dan wasn’t lying when he said you know about cameras.”

“Um.” Phil swallowed. “I mean, a bit?”

“A bit is better than nothing!” Xander gesticulated wildly at the camera. “The bloody thing hasn’t turned on _once,_ and Adam’s an hour away, and apparently no one else here has the first _clue_ how to fix it…”

“Hey, hey, don’t worry,” Dan soothed, his voice unusually calm. “Let Phil have a look.” He drew Xander away with a gentle hand on his arm, then shot Phil a meaningful stare over his shoulder.

Phil looked back a little helplessly. He didn’t actually know _much_ about hardware – Dan knew that, right? Phil was an editor, for goodness’ sake, he wasn’t much of a cameraman. All he’d done was film a bit for PJ on occasion; not exactly the most experience in the world.

So he approached the camera with trepidation sitting in his gut.

He examined it for a while, pursing his lips and trying to figure out what was wrong. Xander hovered over his shoulder, his hands wringing together as he watched Phil’s every move. Dan watched them both with the ghost of a smile hovering over his lips.

After a few minutes, Phil had a _bit_ of an idea what might be wrong. Maybe. He fiddled with a few of the settings, his lips pursed. He could hear the sharp intake of breath from Xander every time his fingers so much as brushed the camera, and Phil was fairly sure that if he broke it, he’d be getting a _very_ expensive bill in the post.

Dan really should have run this by him before just walking Phil in here.

But, after a few more moments of playing with the settings, Phil stepped back. “Um. I think that might have helped?”

“Let me see,” Xander demanded, pushing passed Phil straight to the camera. Phil shot Dan a nervous look, his eyes wide, but Dan just sent him a reassuring smile. He reached out to grip Phil’s arm, and Phil almost jumped.

But no. Calm. He could exude professionalism if he really tried. Probably.

“Oh.” Xander had a hand pressed to his mouth. “My God.”

“What?” Phil’s stomach dropped.

Xander was silent for another moment, playing with the camera, and then his face brightened up into a giant grin. “You’re a genius! It worked!”

Phil released a long sigh of relief.

“Dan,” Xander demanded, “Bring your friend whenever something goes wrong. He’ll be more reliable than Adam.”

“I will, at that,” Dan responded quietly, his brown eyes glittering at Phil.

Phil looked back uncertainly. Surely Dan couldn’t be serious. A professional film set like this _had_ to be able to afford proper technicians.

Also, had he just been called Dan’s _friend?_

Xander span back around and grabbed Phil’s hand, giving it an enthusiastic shake. Phil was showered in thank-yous, and promises to come and see the set properly sometime if he wanted to. Phil leaped on that opportunity, his eyes brightening. The actual set of ‘ _Last Man Standing’_? There was nothing Phil wanted more.

PJ would be jealous, though. Maybe Phil could try and find a way to sneak him in somehow.

After a while, Xander explained about having to get back to work, so Dan led Phil back towards the ROAD CLOSED sign. The crowd was still there, so Dan drew them to a stop a little ways away, where they were still mostly covered by the smoke machine. He eyed Phil closely. “Thanks for that.”

“It’s no problem,” Phil shrugged his shoulders lightly.

“It was to Xander,” Dan answered wryly, “And he’s lead cameraman, so if he had a problem, we all would. I owe you.”

Phil’s brows shot up. “That was the _lead_ cameraman?!”

Dan arched a brow. “Yeah?”

“Oh. My God.” Phil dug his fingers into his palms, drawing in a breath. “I just helped the _lead cameraman._ On ‘ _Last Man Standing’._ I – um. Wow.”

Dan chuckled at him. “So you _are_ a fan? I thought you hated this ‘crappy adaption’.”

“Hey.” Phil winced. “I apologised about that.”

“You still said it.”

“I was in a bad mood,” Phil protested, “And the book is great, I mean, it _is_ gonna be tough for a film to do it justice.”

“See, there, I actually agree with you,” Dan mused, pursing his lips. “Thing is, I’ve read the script, and seen the other people in it, and they’re good. Plus, you know, they have me.” He winked at Phil.

Phil rolled his eyes. “You’re still absolutely insufferable.”

“You love it really.”

“Oh, do I?” Phil raised his eyebrows.

Dan just smirked at him. “I think you do, more than you’d admit.”

Phil stared at him.

“You seemed to enjoy my film last night, anyway,” Dan added breezily, just as a distant shout of his name sounded from somewhere in the midst. Dan turned, peering through the smoke, and then gave a low sigh. “That was the director. Break time is over.”

Phil stumbled back a step.

_The director._ Phil didn’t even know who that was, but if they were directing ‘ _Last Man Standing’,_ they must be pretty well known.

Dan caught his look and grinned. “Don’t have another fangirl moment. I’ll introduce you some other time.”

“Excuse you,” Phil huffed, folding his arms. He watched as Dan laughed at him, his face lighting up, and it made something funny shift in Phil’s chest.

“Whatever you say,” Dan shook his head, a smile still playing about his lips. He shrugged off his black coat, revealing a rather odd outfit underneath – a tunic, of all things, with a long green cloak and boots to match.

Oh. He must be in costume.

Phil was getting a sneak peek at one of ‘ _Last Man Standing’s_ main characters.

“Um,” Phil blurted, “Who’re you playing again?”

Dan looked mildly amused. “Do you not even know _that_?”

“I read it somewhere,” Phil answered defensively, “I just forgot.”

Dan shook his head at him. “I’ll just leave you to look it up again, then.” He backed away from Phil with a final cheery wave, a smirk at his lips as he disappeared back into the smoke.

Phil watched him go, and for some reason, he couldn’t quite bring himself to feel annoyed.

\---

Phil was out for rather a long time. He had a long shift at the bookstore, after arriving a little late for only the second time in his career (and once again thanks to Daniel Howell). Lilith was a bit disappointed, the look she sent Phil lingering, and Phil knew he’d have to grovel for a while to make it up to her. He spent extra time sorting through the books on the top shelves that day.

It wasn’t until much later, towards the end of his shift, that Phil got a bit of a surprise. He was languishing in one of the armchairs in a corner of the bookshop, by his favourite window, with a new horror book open in front of him. His legs were up over the arm (Lilith was safely out of the way upstairs) when, three chapters in, his phone buzzed in his pocket.

Phil tugged it out, fully expecting a text from PJ or his mum or someone, and raised a brow when it was Twitter with a notification that Daniel Howell had mentioned him.

_@danisnotonfire:_ So turns out Incredibly Rude Man is pretty good at techy stuff @amazingphil

Accompanying the tweet was a photo of Phil leaning over the camera from that morning, his fringe falling in his eyes, his brow furrowed in concentration. Phil’s eyes widened. He hadn’t even seen Dan with his phone out earlier, but apparently, he’d sneaked a photo and now decided to broadcast it to the whole internet.

Sure enough, retweets and replies were already starting to flood in, mentioning the both of them. Dan’s thousands of followers hadn’t calmed down any since Phil last checked Twitter, then. And he’d been trying to _avoid_ internet drama.

_@dansfans101:_ @danisnotonfire @amazingphil OMG LOOK INCREDIBLY RUDE MAN IS BACK

_@actorsarelife:_ @danisnotonfire @amazingphil look he even has dan’s fringe is he secretly a fangirl?

Even as Phil was reading through the messages, Dan replied to that last one.

_@danisnotonfire:_ @amazingphil @actorsarelife good point maybe he is, would explain his blush ;)

Phil nearly dropped his phone.

_What the hell was Dan doing?_ Why did he reply to that? It was clear from Dan’s Twitter page that he liked to interact closely with his fanbase, making a point to reply to as many of them as he could. But why would he draw attention to such an inflammatory tweet as that? Was he trying to get Phil’s attention?

Well, if he was, it was working.

Phil typed out a tweet, pursing his lips. He really wasn’t sure if he should reply, based on the last time he got embroiled in a Twitter fight with _Daniel Howell,_ of all people.

But he couldn’t just let this lie.

_@amazingphil:_ @danisnotonfire @actorsarelife Dan wishes. Actually I was just impressed by the camera (didn’t see your sneaky photo skills Howell)

_@danisnotonfire:_ @amazingphil are you sure sounds suspicious to me

The reply was instantaneous, and Phil got a bit of a kick out of the thought that maybe Dan had been sitting on Twitter waiting for him to respond.

_@amazingphil:_ @danisnotonfire Think you have wishful thinking

_@danisnotonfire:_ @amazingphil if I wish it will it come true ;)

Phil couldn’t hold back a surprised laugh at that. He was grinning at his phone without even realising it, and all because of Dan. His Twitter was still being flooded with reply after reply, and his follower count was increasing, and Phil allowed himself a moment to process. Maybe Dan wasn’t such a bad person. He _did_ get Phil onto the film set earlier, and he was getting Phil noticed on Twitter. He certainly wasn’t _harming_ Phil’s career.

Phil clicked on the replies to Dan’s latest tweet, scrolling through them with a slight smile. Most were the usual fangirlish squeals, and a few comments wondering just who exactly Phil was. A couple even called him hot, which confused Phil more than anything.

Then, Phil got a series of texts through that just made him laugh harder.

**PJ:** YOU GOT ONTO THE SET?!?!

**PJ:** AND DANIEL HOWELL IS TWEETING YOU

**PJ:** WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH PHIL LESTER

Phil snickered, leaning his head back against the armchair and staring at the ceiling. He felt warm, excited, his veins tingling with something new. His life finally, _finally,_ felt like it might be going somewhere.

And then Lilith reappeared from upstairs and called him over to help, and so he was up on his feet stacking shelves again, sorting through piles and piles of old books that felt more like home than his actual flat. Then a flow of customers appeared, and Phil spent his time helping elderly men fetch books from the top shelves, or teaching children the best way to choose the next book to read, or making Lilith a cup of tea when she was buried in the middle of her finance sheets. As such, he didn’t have time to check his phone again until after his shift.

On his way home, Phil typed out a response to PJ, calming him down and assuring him he’d explain everything later. Then he opened up twitter again, giving a surprised laugh at the _thousands_ of replies now flooding his notifications.

_@howellislife:_ @danisnotonfire @amazingphil is this incredibly rude man back again?!?!

_@followthetheatre:_ ok but @danisnotonfire taking random surprise pics of @amazingphil is suddenly all I live for

And then came the reply that shocked Phil into stillness.

_@amyisnotonfire:_ @danisnotonfire @amazingphil is it bad that I kinda ship them???

Phil froze.

He had been on the internet for long enough to know what ‘ship’ meant. He’d seen the crazy edits, the endless blogging, the constant theories about celebrities or fictional characters that fans seemed to have an incessant need to throw together.

But never, not ever in a million _years_ , did Phil expect to see the word about him.

Him and _Daniel Howell,_ of all people.

_Daniel Howell._

Ship.

What?

Phil’s thoughts stuttered, clouding his brain until he couldn’t even think straight.

Had _Dan_ seen this tweet?

Hurriedly, Phil clicked onto Dan’s profile, letting out a slightly relieved breath when he realised that Dan hadn’t tweeted since he’d answered Phil’s last comment. So even if he _had_ seen it, he hadn’t responded. Did he not want to draw attention to it, then? The idea of any kind of _ship_ was utterly ridiculous, after all. Or maybe Dan didn’t want to make Phil uncomfortable.

Not that he’d thought twice about that before posting a photo of Phil without permission.

But Phil couldn’t even bring himself to be mad about that. After all, it would be doing his career wonders to have actual physical evidence that he’d been on the film set of _‘Last Man Standing’._ No, the only thing Phil regretted was not snapping a photo of Dan in return.

Well, maybe it wasn’t too late?

Phil continued his walk home, pursing his lips, and then he approached the ROAD CLOSED sign that contained the film set behind it. The smoke machines were still going, and he could hear voices faintly through the crisp night air. A touch of drizzle was falling from the sky – not enough to be uncomfortable, but just enough to add a chill to the air. Phil hesitated by the sign.

Xander _had_ said he was welcome back any time.

Nibbling on his lip, Phil slid out his phone again and sent a quick text to PJ.

**Phil:** I’m by the film set again. Kind of want to sneak on. Advice?

He shifted his weight in the cold, wrapping his arms around his torso, his phone clutched in his hand. PJ always managed to keep more of a level head than Phil. When Phil was tearing his hair out over an essay deadline, or panicking about missing too many lectures, PJ was the one he would turn to. In fact, PJ was a large reason why Phil even survived his undergrad in the first place.

It didn’t take long for his phone to buzz with a reply.

**PJ:** Do you even have to ask? Get on there!!

**PJ:** And if you tell them my name as well I won’t exactly be unhappy

Phil’s lips twitched up, despite the nerves still jangling around in his stomach. He swallowed, taking a careful deep breath.

He counted to ten before taking his first step passed the ROAD CLOSED sign.

The smoke machines clogged up the air, making him want to cough, but Phil was professional enough to hold it back. If they were mid-filming, the _last_ thing he wanted was to make background noise and get kicked off the set for good. Instead, he stepped carefully forward, avoiding the trails of wires and trying to stay out of the lighting.

As he got closer, Phil began to make out the shapes of the cameramen standing around the edge of the set. There were several other people leaning against the walls, wrapped up in thick coats – Phil guessed they were assistant directors, or producers, or costume and make-up to make sure everything ran smoothly. Phil dodged to the side, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.

His inkling was right – filming was currently going on. The woman with blonde hair that he’d vaguely recognised this morning was standing in the centre of the street, wearing a long blue dress, reciting lines that he vaguely recognised from the book. Beside her were two other people – one, a man Phil didn’t recognise.

The other was Daniel Howell.

Dan was standing tall and proud, staring at the actress as if she was his entire world. His face was the epitome of rapture. He was wearing the same green cloak and tunic combo as this morning, but there was a sword in his hand this time. His hair was curling a little in the damp drizzle.

Phil swung his gaze away, trying not to stare. His eyes landed on Xander, who gave him a thumbs-up and a grin from behind his camera. Phil managed a shaky smile in return. At least he wasn’t going to get kicked off.

The scene lasted for another couple of minutes, with all three of the actors saying a few lines. They were a bit distant for Phil to make out the words, but he thought this scene came from somewhere in the middle of the story, when the main character Estelle was mid-quest with her first two knights, Dean and Lucas. From the dialogue, Phil hazarded a guess that Dan was playing Dean.

Typical. Dean was Phil’s favourite character by a mile, though he had a soft spot for Estelle as well. The blonde actress seemed to be portraying her well – Phil wished he could remember her name.

After half a second of silence, a voice called out, “ _Cut!”._ The actors immediately relaxed, and the blonde actress was quickly swamped by costume people, touching up her dress and her hair. Dan stayed in conversation with the other male actor, occasionally smiling.

Phil stayed back, biting his lip. Well, Dan hadn’t given _him_ any notice when he took his photograph, had he? Phil decided he could return the courtesy. So, he lifted his phone and zoomed in on Dan’s face, deciding he probably shouldn’t spoil the costume design on one of the biggest films of the year. Instead, he snapped a quick photo of Dan’s face, snorting quietly when he saw it. Dan’s hair was a mess of curls from the rain, his eyes half-closed, his mouth open as he was mid-speaking. Even to Phil’s limited knowledge, it wasn’t the most attractive picture.

Phil decided to wait until he was safely back home before he tweeted it.

As he looked up, he caught Xander’s eye again. The plump man waved him over with a white-toothed grin. “Glad you came back! Phil, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah?” Phil smiled, pleased that the _lead cameraman_ had actually remembered his name.

“Well, it’s good to see you again,” Xander smiled warmly. “You saved my life earlier, we’re already behind on filming.”

“I’m just glad I could help,” Phil replied honestly. “I can do it again anytime, honestly.”

“I’m going to hold you to that. Dan said you’d be good, I should have trusted him.”

Phil blinked. “He did?”

“Yep.” Xander ducked behind his camera again, fiddling with a few of the settings. “Said you were reliable and steady-handed, which is the only reason I let you touch my baby at _all._ Dan’s got good taste.”

Phil just stared, struggling to digest the information that _Daniel Howell_ apparently thought he was _reliable and steady-handed._

Just then, the director called the set to quiet again, so Xander waved him away with a smile and a promise that he was welcome to return at any time. Phil nodded, making up his mind to return as soon as he could. He still owed PJ a mention, after all.

Phil headed back home with a jaunt to his step.

When he got back to his flat, he wasted no time at all in tweeting the picture of Dan, accompanying it with a suitably snarky comment.

_@amazingphil:_ so @danisnotonfire isn’t the only one who can take sneaky shots

The photo was posted underneath, resplendent with Dan’s curls, and Phil placed his phone on his kitchen counter as he set about making himself some dinner. It buzzed repeatedly with notifications as he cooked, but Phil resisted the urge to look until he was seated with his plate of lasagne and could browse at his leisure.

_@tweetception:_ LOOK THERE’S ANOTHER ONE GUYS I CAN’T @danisnotonfire @amazingphil

_@lilyhowell:_ omg srsly who spat in their coffee @danisnotonfire @amazingphil

_@freshowell:_ are we sure they aren’t already dating? #flirting @danisnotonfire @amazingphil

Phil choked on his food a little at the last one. He tried not to think too much about it, but that was like asking him not to think about the fact his right hand was on fire. How was he supposed to know if he and Dan were flirting? Did a few snarky tweets and a couple of emojis equal flirting? Clearly that was enough for the fans.

Phil shut off his Twitter notifications again, resolving to lose himself in an anime for the night and forget about any stupid famous actors and their stupidly large fanbases. He couldn’t quite forget that Dan did actually snap a photo of him, though. Honestly, Phil had no idea Dan was even paying that much attention to him, but apparently he deemed him good enough to invite him onto the actual film set. And now that Xander had invited him back, Phil had an incredible opportunity for his career.

Phil could _almost_ forgive Dan for his attitude, if he managed to give Phil a step up in his career. No matter how much his stomach still soured a little.

But it was networking, it was allowed. Wasn’t it?

Phil shook his head, burying himself in an old favourite episode. Watching Ed and Al Elric battling to save the world felt much better than his own circling, churning thoughts.

It wasn’t until much later that night that he dared to check Twitter again, and unsurprisingly there was a response from Dan to his photo, as a well as a new DM sitting in Phil’s inbox.

_@danisnotonfire:_ @amazingphil you sneaky little shit. It. Is. ON.

Phil could feel the smile curling at the corners of his mouth before he even realised. He chuckled softly, then tapped on his DM inbox. His eyes widened when he saw a private message from actual Daniel Howell.

**Dan Howell:** Careful, techy guy. Don’t start a photo war with me.

Phil stared at his phone with a silly grin on his face for far longer than was probably acceptable. He never, ever, in a million years, would have believed that _Daniel Howell_ of all people would be messaging him with this much familiarity. But there the messages sat, plain as day.

Phil decided to leave the public messages for now, not wanting to encourage any of Dan’s fanbase. He was reluctant to admit it, but the overwhelming response to his every tweet scared Phil a little. They seemed the type of people to pick over his every word, never mind the fact they seemed to actually _ship_ him and Dan.

And that was just ridiculous, wasn’t it? After all, Dan had only marked Phil an 8 when someone asked him if Phil was hot.

Not that Phil was bitter about that at all.

And Phil, well, he had no real interest in relationships. And he was positive that Dan wouldn’t want a relationship with him – Phil didn’t want _anything_ physical. And Dan probably wouldn’t get that.

Not that Phil was ever going to tell him. Or it would ever come up. Because there was nothing between them at all.

So instead, Phil settled on replying to Dan’s DM, still marvelling at the fact he had a private conversation with _Daniel Howell,_ of all people.

**Phil Lester:** I think I can handle you, Dan. Besides, you started it

Phil settled back in his sofa, sliding his phone back into his pocket, but it buzzed before it was even half-way there. Phil jerked. Dan couldn’t have replied already, could he? Surely he had better things to be doing on a Friday night?

**Dan Howell:** Just be warned, Lester. I will DESTROY you

Phil couldn’t help but grin at that.

**Phil Lester:** You can try


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a baby short chapter, but I'm gonna put it out now anyway ^_^ I have exams over the next few weeks, so my updates are going to slow down a bit, but I'll be able to update faster over the summer.
> 
> Thanks so much to everyone reading this and leaving feedback! I'm thrilled to know you're reading and enjoying :)

The next Monday morning, Phil couldn’t resist heading back onto the film set.

Part of the reason was that he’d woken to several mildly angry texts from PJ demanding a chance to get on the set, and how unfair it was that Phil had been there twice without inviting PJ along, and how this was really a betrayal of their friendship because hello they’d been friends for years and did everything together and how dare Phil be moving on without him???

Phil had chuckled and replied, promising he would get PJ there somehow.

Of course, his decision to go back to the film set had absolutely nothing to do with seeing Dan again.

Twitter had still been explosive that morning, and Phil only managed a few minutes on there before he had to turn it off again. The constant flood of notifications was totally overwhelming after a while. He paused for long enough to see that the comments shipping him and Dan seemed to be getting more and more prominent, and he clicked off Twitter with a bit more warmth to his cheeks than usual.

The issue was, Phil had absolutely no idea if he and Dan were ‘flirting’, as the fans put it. How was he supposed to know? Sure, they wound each other up, even PJ had picked up on that. But that didn’t mean it ran any deeper, did it? Dan couldn’t _possibly_ feel anything remotely close to that for Phil. There was no point even entertaining the thought.

Even if Phil begrudgingly admitted that Dan was pretty funny, and he enjoyed talking to him, there was no need for it to go beyond maybe a cautious friendship. A friendship that involved a lot of teasing and poking fun, sure, but that was allowed, wasn’t it? This was all just fangirl nonsense, and Phil was wasting his time by paying any mind to it at all.

But … what if they were right?

Phil shook his head. No. Dan was straight, wasn’t he? Phil was sure he’d seen articles about him going out with actresses before. Maybe. Not that he’d ever paid that much attention, celebrity culture had never done much to pique his interest (Sarah Michelle Gellar was a different case entirely).

Maybe it wouldn’t hurt if Phil had a quick check.

Pulling his laptop towards him, Phil decidedly pushed away any morals that might have told him this was a questionable thing to do. Googling people you actually knew in real life didn’t really count as stalking, did it? Phil gnawed on his lip, hovering over google, but then he punched in the same search as he had before – ‘Daniel Howell’.

The usual set of results came up. Articles about his latest films, various interviews he’d given in the past, endless photos of him out and about in London – Phil paused for a moment, wondering what it was like to live under that kind of constant scrutiny. Dan, to him, had seemed warm and witty. A little distant, yes, a little guarded, maybe, but underneath that he had a nice smile and a steady gaze. For someone as young as he was, Phil thought he was handling the stress of fame very well.

Or maybe Phil just hadn’t dug deep enough.

He bit at his lip again, debating whether or not he should take this next step, before he amended his search, typing in, ‘Daniel Howell girlfriend’.

Again, a flood of results came through instantly. They shifted towards more tabloid type articles, and Phil felt a little dirty as he clicked on the first one. Immediately, a photo of Dan popped up, with a sardonic smirk on his lips and his arm wound around the waist of a small Indian girl. Phil recognised her instantly – she’d played his love interest in _‘Reckless’_ , they had great chemistry on screen. Phil pursed his lips as he read through the beginning of the article.

**_LOVE IN THE AIR? HOWELL AND LONGSMITH SEEN OUT AGAIN_ **

_It’s been no secret that these two lovebirds have been closeted up together, but new pictures today highlight how the pair remain inseparable in the run-up to their new film release. ‘Reckless’ is tipped to be a favourite, but will this love affair last once the on-screen magic subsides?_

Phil checked the date of the article – over a year ago, when _‘Reckless’_ was first released. A strange feeling of relief washed over Phil then. Surely he’d know if something between Dan and his co-star had lasted? He clicked back onto the home page, scrolling through the articles until he found a more recent one. In fact, it was dated just last month.

**_Goodbye or Fresh Start for Love’s Young Dream?_ **

_This month might signal the end of one of the nation’s favourite celeb couples, much to our chagrin. Daniel Howell and Susie Longsmith have been popular amongst fans since they were first seen together in ‘Reckless’, and over the past year they’ve been out and about together frequently, to much of our audiences’ pleasure._

_But could this be the end for the perfect young couple?_

_Howell is rumoured to have landed a huge casting role – one that will take him away from London for months. Longsmith, however, looks to be remaining in the city. Will this couple survive the distance? Our money’s on no, if this goodbye picture is anything to go by._

Beneath the text was another photo of Dan and the Indian woman, this time caught in a hug. The texture was grainy, clearly taken on a phone, and it looked like they were standing outside some kind of swanky apartment building. The Houses of Parliament were vaguely visible in the background.

Phil took in a breath, suddenly hit with the realisation of just how different Dan’s life was to his own. Dan was the kind of person who had reporters following his every movement, who couldn’t do anything without having endless reams of articles speculating about the reasoning behind his actions. He must be used to attention. He must bathe in it. No wonder he was always hanging out with his fans and at replying them on Twitter as soon as they responded to anything he said.

But Phil? Phil was a nobody. He was 26 with very little to show for it, aside from his two (soon to be three, if he ever started that thesis) degrees. He was struggling to get into an industry that would probably never accept him, still stuck in a tiny student flat, with barely one friend to his name.

He had no business poking his head into Dan’s world.

Feeling a little sick, Phil closed all the tabs on his internet browser in one sweeping motion. He should stop harbouring any sort of fantasies that Dan might be interested in him. In any capacity. In fact, Phil should feel _relieved._ He hated being the centre of attention – he was happiest behind the camera, making other people look good. He had no interest in Dan’s world.

And he had no interest in Dan himself, either. Phil didn’t want that kind of relationship.

Did he?

Phil groaned, scrubbing a hand over his face. He should put these silly thoughts to bed. A few comments on the internet were just that – comments. He didn’t need to read anything into Dan’s behaviour, not at all. And honestly, Phil shouldn’t even _like_ Dan Howell. He stood for everything Phil disliked about the industry he was trying to get into.

But Phil couldn’t help it if Dan made him smile.

Phil groaned, rubbing a hand over his face. Everything was far too complicated for him. Better he just stopped thinking too much, didn’t look any more into Dan Howell’s life, and just carried on as he had been. After all, Dan and he had managed a vaguely normal conversation last time they spoke. Maybe that was something Phil would be able to capitalise on, internet be damned.

Phil made sure to leave early for his shift, so he would have enough time to drop by the film set without being late again. Lilith was forgiving, if stern, but Phil didn’t particularly want to miss the start of his shift for the third time this month.

He walked the streets of Manchester with his hands shoved deep into his coat pockets, his hair flopping messily over his forehead. The streets were quite busy that morning, with the usual flow of commuters keeping up their clamouring footsteps. The disruption to the city wasn’t just affecting Phil – all the road closures left far too many people with no other option than to walk or cycle through the city.

Phil walked rapidly, pleased for his long stride. He was itching to get back on the film set. If he asked nicely, would Xander let him have a look at their editing process? He doubted he’d be able to man one of the cameras, but he would absolutely _love_ to see some of their special effects, if he was allowed to stick around for that long. Plus, he’d promised to ask if PJ could come on set sometime.

And maybe if Phil happened to see Dan again, that wouldn’t be such a terrible thing either.

The usual crowd of people stood scattered by the ROAD CLOSED sign, although there were fewer people than the day before. None of the actors were waiting by the side, either.

Phil tried to ignore the tiniest, most minute slither of disappointment he might feel at not seeing Dan there again.

But if none of the actors were here, that must mean filming was in process. Which would make it a prime time for Phil to get onto the set and see if he could have a play with some of their technology.

He shuffled quickly through the crowd, doing his best to ignore the stares when he walked right passed the ROAD CLOSED sign. Without anyone else to lead him, Phil really wasn’t sure if he should just walk straight up to the set, but well, Xander _had_ explicitly invited him back. And he was fairly sure Dan wouldn’t send him off, either. Still, Phil tossed a slightly apologetic smile over his shoulder as he walked up the road towards the set, pushing his hands into the pockets of his space coat.

The smoke whirled around him as he moved up the street, so thick that he couldn’t see his shoes a few steps in. The buildings either side of the road were muted in the grey-black of the cloudy morning. Only a few fuzzy spots of light showed from somewhere up ahead, so blurred that Phil wondered for a moment if he’d forgotten to put his contacts in that morning.

He approached as silently as he could, his ears perked, and he was relieved he did when he realised that filming was indeed going on. The cameras were set up the same way they were last time he’d visited, just last night, but the scene was different. This time, the blonde actress (Phil still couldn’t remember her name) was sitting in a resplendent carriage all lined with glinting gold and complete with four horses. By her side was the actor Phil hadn’t recognised, but there was no sign of Dan.

They were mid-filming, so Phil kept his distance, hanging back in the smoke. He spotted Xander, but he was crouched behind his camera with a rather intent stare, so Phil decided not to risk going over to see him just yet. Instead, he hovered in the background, surveying the set with interested eyes.

And then he spotted Daniel Howell staring straight at him.

Phil jumped. He clapped a hand over his mouth to stop a startled yelp from escaping him, not wanting to disrupt the filming, and saw Dan roll his eyes upwards in response. Dan was leaning against a wall on the side of the street, far away from the filming. He was in a giant coat covering up his costume, but his hair was still done in that odd style they clearly had for the character he was playing (Dean, wasn’t it?). His usual side-fringe (that Phil definitely had _not_ copied) was swept back, revealing his forehead and giving him a slightly older look. He still had a serious case of babyface, though.

And he was only 21. Phil should probably remember that.

Dan smirked under his gaze, and he lifted a hand, crooking two fingers to beckon Phil over. Phil cast a quick look back at the set before creeping his way over towards Dan, moving as silently as he could. His footsteps still echoed a little too loudly for his liking, but he figured he was far enough away from the cameras for it not to matter.

“Back again, I see,” Dan murmured as soon as Phil was within earshot, shifting a little to make room beside him against the wall.

Phil took the offered space, not close enough to touch, but enough that he could sense the warmth emanating from Dan at his side. “Thought I should,” he answered quietly. “Someone kept bothering me on Twitter.”

Dan snorted softly. He turned just enough to send Phil an inquisitive look, and Phil shifted a little, adjusting to having to look _up_ at someone for one of the few times in his life. “Yeah. Well, you give as good as you get, Lester.”

Phil quirked a bow.

Dan shook his head. “I didn’t even _see_ you take that picture of me.”

“Came back last night,” Phil explained nonchalantly, “And I didn’t see you snap one of me either, Howell.”

“You were a bit busy with the camera.”

“ _You_ were a bit busy with the acting.”

Dan allowed himself another smile at that. Phil was quickly deciding he liked the way Dan’s entire face warmed with just the slightest shift of his lips, and he was glad when the expression remained as Dan turned back towards Phil, murmuring, “Well, it is my job.”

“Really?” Phil pressed a hand to his chest. “My word, I never would have guessed.”

Dan glared at him.

“I mean,” Phil continued with a smirk, “It isn’t like you spend _literally all your time_ rubbing it in…”

“Hey.”

“…Telling everyone how famous you are, doing stupid stuff like starting Twitter fights…”

“That was mostly you,” Dan interrupted indignantly.

Phil frowned at him. “Excuse me?”

“You were the one that responded.”

“Because you lied about me,” Phil pointed out casually.

“How did I lie?!”

“You know as well as I do that I wasn’t that rude deliberately,” Phil folded his arms with a nod. “Besides, I wasn’t saying anything that wasn’t true.”

Dan let out another disbelieving laugh. “So you’re still saying I can’t act, and I was just picked for my pretty face?”

“I never said you couldn’t act,” Phil countered. “In fact, you’re pretty fantastic, _‘Reckless’_ is my all-time fav, but that doesn’t mean you can do _‘Last Man Standing’_ justice.”

Dan was smirking again as he surveyed Phil closely. “Your all-time fav, huh?”

Phil bit down hard on his inner cheek. Shit. He was pretty sure he’d vowed never to admit that out loud in front of Dan Howell himself.

“I bet I was your favourite character and everything,” Dan added confidently, “You have the air of a Jackson fan.”

Phil spluttered. “I wasn’t – I didn’t – I’ll have you know I like loads of characters.”

“Sure.” Dan chuckled again, sending Phil an appreciative smirk. “You know, you don’t have to put on a front all the time. It _is_ ok to admit to me that you like me.”

Phil let out a long breath. “You’re insufferable.”

“So I am,” Dan acknowledged, “But so are you, so I’d say we call it even.”

Phil gritted his teeth, rolling his eyes. He turned to face Dan and stuck out his hand, expression set. “Fine. We’ll call it even.”

Dan’s deep brown eyes flicked down to Phil’s hand, one of his perfect eyebrows lifting just enough. He glanced back up at Phil, then down at his hand again, and Phil shifted, beginning to wonder if Dan was just going to leave him hanging here forever.

But then Dan removed his own hand from his pocket and took Phil’s hand in his own. His grip was firm, and warm, and nothing at all like Phil would have expected from him. “Alright. Even.”

Phil looked back up at him, and this time, he smiled.

Dan smiled right back.

The moment held, in which they gripped each other’s fingers and looked each other in the eyes, and neither of them particularly felt like breaking away. Phil studied Dan’s face – the same face he’d seen so many times on screen, but never in this sort of clarity. Dan’s skin was smooth, his expression unreadable. He had a lovely, open face, but he was annoyingly good at hiding his emotions.

_Of course he is,_ Phil thought grumpily. _He’s a trained actor._

Eventually, Phil pulled away from his grip and leaned against the wall beside Dan again. “Anyway. So. You remember PJ?”

“Your much politer and sweet friend?”

“Yes.” Phil shoved him lightly. “Also, rude. But yeah. Him.”

Dan smirked. “Yes, I remember him.”

“He wants to come on set sometime.” Phil jammed his thumbs into his jeans pocket, firmly studying the pavement by his feet. “Saw the photos on Twitter, of – um – you know, the ones you and me posted.”

“I see.” Dan’s tone was warm with amusement. “Is he jealous of you getting to come here?”

“Maybe a little,” Phil admitted. “And I maybe sort of promised to get him on, to placate him. So. Um. Could you pull some strings?”

Dan raised both brows at Phil, a smirk still tugging at the corner of his mouth. “The man who hates blockbuster films, using contacts to get a friend ahead? Your morals are all a lie, Phil.”

Phil screwed his face up. He tried to ignore the small shiver elicited by the natural way his name rolled off Dan’s tongue. Trust Dan to use the tiniest thing against him. “But will you do it?”

“I suppose I could have a word with the director,” Dan agreed with a small smirk.

Phil let out a breath.

Dan held out a hand, gesturing as he spoke again. “Gimme your phone.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m gonna put in my number so you can text me, and then I’ll tell you when your friend can come on.” Dan was smirking again, damn him. “Unless you want me to just publicly announce it on Twitter?”

“You didn’t seem to have a problem with posting my face without asking,” Phil muttered.

Dan gave a light shrug. “Thought you deserved it. Did you mind? I can take it down…”

“It’s fine,” Phil answered honestly. He paused for just a second before digging out his phone and handing it over to Dan, figuring he might as well.

After all, _actual Daniel Howell_ had just asked for his number. For all Phil’s deep, idealistic sentiments, he couldn’t deny that was kind of exciting. He’d be an idiot to turn an opportunity like this down.

For career purposes only, of course. He absolutely wasn’t thinking about anything else.

Besides, Dan had only been seen with a girl before. Phil had no idea if he was even interested in boys. And he didn’t care about finding out, either.

Dan took the phone from Phil with a slight frown, holding it at arm’s length. “What the hell is that?”

“A phone,” Phil deadpanned.

Dan rolled his eyes at him. “Looks more like a relic from the dinosaurs to me.”

“Hey,” Phil rushed quickly to his phone’s defence – yes, he was still sporting an ancient nokia, but don’t you dare insult it to his face. “That thing’s far more reliable than any of those new-fangled modern ones.”

“You sound like my grandma.” Dan was smirking again as he put his number into Phil’s phone, handing it back to Phil with a lingering look. “I bet you’re ancient.”

“Just because we’re not all young prodigies like you,” Phil huffed, eliciting another snort of laughter from Dan.

“So question,” Dan continued, watching with glinting eyes as Phil surveyed the number before sliding his phone back into his pocket. “What’s with your Twitter handle?”

Phil folded his arms and stared Dan down. “I think you mean what’s with _yours_. ‘Danisnotonfire’? Seriously?”

“A leftover from my teenage years,” Dan responded with a small shrug, but a smirk was tugging at his lips. “I’m thinking of changing it.”

“You probably should.”

“Rude.” Dan shook his head. “Also. What’s so amazing about you, AmazingPhil?”

Phil lifted his jaw, summoning up a smile from somewhere as he met Dan’s eyes. “Keep talking to me for a while, maybe you’ll find out.”

Dan held his gaze for half a second before bursting out into quiet laughter. “And you call _me_ arrogant.”

“You are.”

“Well, you’re giving me a run for my money.” Dan shook his head, a small smile dancing across his lips as he surveyed Phil again. “Also, don’t put your phone away. You need to text me your number.”

“Oh yeah,” Phil answered lamely. He pulled his phone back out again and clicked on Dan’s – _Dan Howell’s_ – number, firing off a short text.

Something in Dan’s pocket vibrated, and he reached into his giant coat, extracting the most modern form of the latest touch-screen monstrosity. Phil wrinkled his nose at the sight of it.

Dan caught his expression and smirked. “Is this modern technology a bit too advanced for you?”

“You are the worst kind of person,” Phil grumbled.

“So you keep saying,” Dan answered breezily, “But you keep reappearing.”

“Mostly because you won’t leave me alone.”

“Well, yes, that may be a problem.” Dan was moving before Phil could fully comprehend that sentiment. He lifted his stupidly modern phone in front of his face, turning to face Phil. He held that position for a suspiciously long amount of time.

Phil’s eyes narrowed. It took him a long moment to figure out what Dan was probably doing.

Phil shoved a hand up in front of Dan’s phone, letting out a huff. “Hey! Are you sneaking more photos of me?”

“Maybe.” Dan shot him an impish grin, and the expression looked out-of-place and adorable on his usually sardonic face.

Phil paused for a moment, processing, until he leaned back against the wall and grumbled, “You’re getting suspiciously good at stalking me.”

Dan choked. “Excuse me?”

“Well, you know,” Phil waved a hand, keeping his voice low and one eye on the film set, “Memorising my work schedule so you could intercept me, getting my attention on Twitter…”

“You,” Dan growled, “Are impossible.”

“And now you just keep taking photos of me,” Phil shoved his hands in his pockets and grinned sidelong at Dan. “I’m flattered, honestly.”

“Oh my God, shut up.” Dan lifted his eyes heavenwards, but a small smile was lifting his lips.

Phil’s grin only widened. He settled into place next to Dan, a comfortable silence enveloping them just like the tendrils of smoke curling around their ankles. They both watched the film set for a while, too far to hear the words spoken, but the silence was oddly comforting. If Phil half-closed his eyes, he could fancy that he and Dan were wandering alone in their own mystical world.

But then his phone buzzed, and he glanced down to see an alarm set for his work. Phil grimaced. “Ah, dammit, I’m late. Again. You keep doing that, Dan Howell.”

Dan sent Phil a sharp smirk. “Not my fault you can’t keep away.”

Phil placed his hand on Dan’s shoulder and gave a light push, just enough to dislodge Dan a little. Dan brushed off his shoulder with an indignant snort. Phil rolled his eyes – honestly, this complete baby of a grown man – and stepped away from the wall, starting back towards the main road.

“Lester,” Dan called, making Phil pause again. “Don’t be too surprised if you’re on Twitter again later. You _did_ start a war with me.”

Phil shook his head, answering over his shoulder, “I think you’ll find you started everything.”

Dan Howell’s quiet chuckle followed him back to the street, and Phil was finding it impossible to be irritated at him any longer.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait for this chapter! I had exams, but they are over now. Whew. This chapter is extra-long to make up for it, too ^_^
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone commenting on and reading this fic! Honestly, you've all made my days so much better, and reading all your comments got me through the stress of exams. I can't thank you enough <3
> 
> Also, I'd just like to reiterate that I am in no way claiming that the things I write about in this fic reflect reality. I don't know Dan and Phil, and I'm not implying in any way that their real orientations and personalities reflect what I'm putting forward here. This is a work of fiction.
> 
> Warning: some slight a- and bi- phobia in this chapter along with discussions of sexuality, and this is unbeta'd, so apologies for any mistakes ^_^

It was almost natural after that – the way Dan just fell into place in Phil’s life.

It turned out that Dan wasn’t lying about the photo war, because once Phil finally arrived into work that morning and got a chance to check his phone again, there was another tweet with a photo from earlier.

_@danisnotonfire:_ Incredibly Rude Man stopped by again. He nearly caught me taking this one

And underneath was a photo from that morning – an unnecessarily zoomed-in close up of Phil’s face.

Phil rolled his eyes at the number of replies already flooding Dan’s Twitter, but Dan hadn’t directly responded to any of them, so Phil left it alone for now as well. He went back to loitering behind the counter, watching the ground floor while Lilith refreshed some of the stock in the three upper floors. In fact, he didn’t respond until after he’d got off work for the day and sneaked back onto the set on his way home, only just for long enough to snap a quick photo of Dan mid-snack, his mouth open, a sandwich held tight in his hand.

Phil quite enjoyed crafting his tweet to accompany that one.

_@amazingphil:_ @danisnotonfire posing with his lunch. He DIDN’T catch me taking this one.

And when Phil awoke the next morning, his Twitter following had increased by the hundreds. The floods of replies were the same as ever, and he shut off his notifications before heading out to the library to pick up some books for his PhD research (yes, he was still working on his thesis, his life hadn’t just become about sneaking photos of some arrogant celebrity).

And, well, from there things just sort of … escalated.

Naturally, Phil slipped onto the film set every day on his walk to work to check if Dan was there or not. Usually, Dan was filming, so Phil loitered in the smoky haze and snapped several prime photos of him mid-line, theatrical, or just wandering around the set on his break with a half-eaten sandwich hanging from his grip.

And Dan, well – Dan would lie in wait for Phil, and he was getting increasingly sneaky about it. On the days when Phil went onto the set and couldn’t find Dan for love nor money, he’d get into the bookshop and greet Lilith with a frustrated sigh, only to log onto Twitter and see a new photo of his face on Dan’s Twitter feed, accompanied by some new snarky comment or other. Phil wouldn’t even _see_ where Dan was to take such photos. The guy must be a ninja, he swore.

Their photo war had garnered attention from thousands of people by now. Mere seconds after one of them had tweeted, the comments and replies and retweets would come flooding in, squealing about how adorable they were together, or how clearly they had some kind of love-hate thing going on.

Phil ignored all these comments as best he could.

After all, he hadn’t actually _spoken_ to Dan in the better half of two weeks. They shared a rushed hello on the film set, if they happened to both be free at the same time, but more often than not Dan would be mid-filming when Phil called in, or Phil would be rushing apologetically to work when Dan was leaning against the wall, waiting for him. They hadn’t exchanged any more private messages, either. The only time Phil interacted with him at all was through snarky comments with their photos on Twitter.

Phil sighed, running a hand down his face as he settled into his sofa for the evening. Re-heated pizza was his dinner – between work, his PhD (yes, he’d finally started on that thesis), and sneaking pictures of Dan, Phil had no time for cooking. His laptop was open in front of him, the familiar mix of nerves and excitement curling around in his stomach as he hovered over Twitter. Phil hadn’t had a chance to check his feed since he’d posted his most recent picture of Dan that morning.

He logged on, his lower lip caught between his teeth as he scanned through the responses to his tweet. Things had got to the point where he recognised several of the usernames now – the more dedicated fans who must stalk Dan’s page every time they got a spare second in their day. Phil admitted to clicking on a few of their profiles – just to see a bit more about who these people were that seemed so intent on following his weird kind-of … _thing_ … with a famous actor.

Phil shook his head. Even _thinking_ those words still felt wrong.

Sure enough, some of the more familiar usernames showed up with their responses. A few new Twitter handles had turned up as well, shoving their names together. ‘DanandPhil’ was apparently a thing now.

Phil was mature enough to admit that he quite liked the way their names seemed to run together so naturally.

_@fanofhowell:_ there is literally no morning I don’t wake up to a new photo @danisnotonfire @amazingphil pls stop

_@danandphilhowell:_ flirting is increasing I’m betting on a summer wedding @amazingphil @danisnotonfire

_@dangirl98:_ phil did he notice you taking this one? @amazingphil @danisnotonfire

Phil paused at the last one, gnawing on his lower lip. Not many of the tweets mentioned him directly, and he’d never responded to any before, unlike Dan. But maybe now he could change that. After all, if Dan spoke to them about him, then he should be able to repay the favour, right? And most of them had started following him directly, too. (His follower count had hit levels he’d never even _dreamed_ ).

Phil clicked on the reply button, feeling a little weird about responding to someone he literally didn’t know.

_@amazingphil:_ @dangirl98 nope I am a ninja and he can’t best my skills

It was posted before Phil had too much time to think on it, and he pushed his laptop away, shoving his knuckles in his mouth and emitting a small squeak. Whatever new step he took, he always felt mildly terrified. But nothing too bad could come from this, right?

Right?

Maybe just Dan thinking he was a freak and never talking to him again.

Phil didn’t have long to wallow, though, because soon enough a notification popped up that made his eyes widen. It wasn’t like any of the other usual replies – this one was from Dan.

Dan had seen his tweet, and was replying? Right now? So he was online right now?

Phil snatched his laptop back, hastily clicking onto Dan’s profile.

_@danisnotonfire:_ @amazingphil @dangirl98 I’ll have you know my ninja skills are far superior to yours, Lester

There were already replies flooding through to that, mostly capital letter screaming for the moment. But Phil felt his stomach squirm when he realised that most of the replies were loudly exclaiming how this was ‘next-level flirting’.

Phil gave his head a shake. No, there was no way. He’d been _over_ this – Dan was more than likely straight, and he’d been seen with his co-star from ‘ _Reckless’,_ and even if he was somehow single and also interested in boys then he’d only rated Phil an 8 and so clearly he’d never be interested. And even if he _was_ interested, there was the small matter of Phil’s sexuality being, well, basically _nope_ , and Dan would never understand that, much less be ok with it…

_Stop._

Phil dragged his thoughts away with a grimace. He’d had enough of overthinking every single little moment with Dan. Phil was _tired._ He didn’t want to be in the public eye, he didn’t want to be constantly questioning his motives, and he didn’t want to always be second-guessing Dan. He just wanted to get on with his quiet, peaceful, normal life, a world away from Daniel Howell.

Just, irritatingly, Dan was actually quite good fun.

Phil gnawed on his lip. In another life, he thought he and Dan would have made good friends. At least. They played off each other, and he liked Dan’s company, and endlessly teasing him with stupid photos on the internet had somehow managed to become Phil’s favourite part of the day. Only, there was too much scrutiny all the time. Phil didn’t like it.

He wanted to put this whole thing to bed, once and for all.

So, pushing away the last vestiges of his morals, Phil opened up a new tab and typed in _‘Daniel Howell boyfriend’._

Perhaps predictably, there were no results. Just google flashing up with _did you mean ‘Daniel Howell **girl** friend’._

Well if that wasn’t a kick in the teeth.

With a sigh and trepidation twisting in his gut, Phil clicked on the suggestion, and the new search went through. The same articles as before came flashing up, but this time, Phil dug a little deeper. He hunted through the various trashy tabloid articles, wrinkling his nose at some of the more inane comments, until finally he clicked on one that was fairly recent and seemed reasonably reputable.

Dated just a week ago, the article was titled ‘Howell and Longsmith: still picture-perfect?’ Underneath ran a short report, accompanied by some old photos of Dan and his co-star from _Reckless_.

**_Howell and Longsmith: still picture-perfect?_ **

_It’s a well-known fact how miserable all ‘Reckless’ fans were at the break-up of co-stars Dan Howell and Susie Longsmith. All seemed so rosy for the perfect couple, until distance and filming seemed to take them away from each other’s arms._

Phil resisted the urge to snort. He scrolled passed several photos of the couple, clearly from a couple of years ago – Dan’s hair was shorter than that now, and the actress had a radiant smile but looked exactly the way she had in ‘ _Reckless’_. He ran through the article quickly, trying to ignore the squirming feelings that _maybe he was a stalker_ running through his stomach until he reached the end of the article.

There was a picture of Dan and the same actress, but this time – this time, it was much more recent. Dan’s hair was short, the way it was now. And they were – wait, Phil _knew_ the background to that photo. That was the entrance to one of the swankiest hotels in the centre of Manchester.

_But it seems all hope may not be lost! Fans of the super-couple were going crazy when this photo was released over social media. It seems to show Howell in his new location, where he’s filming for the much-hyped ‘Last Man Standing’. Longsmith, however, has no business being there other than – dare we hope – a reunion with Howell? Perhaps these two are just as lovestruck as they ever were._

_Keep your eyes peeled, super-fans. It may just be that this love story hasn’t quite reached its end._

Phil felt as if he’d been punched in the stomach.

He leaned back, too stunned to move his laptop off his knees, instead just watching as it slid down onto the floor. Dan – Dan was getting visited by his old co-star. And sure, maybe it didn’t mean anything, after all friends met friends all the time, but – but Manchester was _quite a way_ from London, where Phil assumed this actress was staying. Would she really have come all this way to see Dan if they were friends?

Of course, it didn’t even _matter,_ it wasn’t like it was any of Phil’s business. He had no claim over Dan. They’d had a couple of snarky conversations, and somehow accidentally found themselves in the middle of a photo war. That was all. There was nothing even _close_ to a real relationship between them, and the sooner Phil got his stupid head around that idea, then the faster he could move on with his real life.

His real life, which involved writing a PhD thesis, finally getting fully qualified, and helping out Lilith in the bookshop. That was the life he’d made for himself, and he _liked_ it.

It was just – Phil was realising that something had maybe been missing from his life before. A Dan-sized hole, and then life had thrown a Dan at him to fill it. But that was foolish – there was nothing between them. And even if there ever could be – even is this Susie Longsmith hadn’t shown up – then Phil still wasn’t exactly sure what _kind_ of relationship he would want with Dan.

And Dan certainly wouldn’t want one with him.

No, it was all far too complicated. Better Phil just forget about it and start to move on.

And then – perfect timing – his phone buzzed.

**Dan Howell:** Talked to the director. Your friend can come on set on Monday

Phil stared at the phone for several minutes before throwing it onto the cushion beside him and releasing a loud groan. He flopped backwards, staring up at the ceiling. He was _trying_ to move on. But there was the small matter of a giant film set existing in his city. A giant film set that he’d somehow, miraculously, managed to get access to.

Plus, PJ would kill him if Phil didn’t let him on at least once – not after the number of times Phil had sneaked in to snap a quick photo of Dan.

Alright, fine. Phil growled, forcing himself upright again and reaching for his phone. One last bloody trip to the film set, to get PJ off his back.

But then he was putting Dan Howell behind him, once and for all.

\---

PJ was, naturally, thrilled.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, MATE!” His voice was painfully loud as he shouted down the line, even as Phil held his phone at arm’s length. “You did it! YOU GOT ME ONTO THE SET!”

“Your faith in me is astounding,” Phil grumbled. He held his phone face-up in his palm, watching as raindrops collected on its ancient, cracked surface. Manchester was absolutely _miserable_ on Monday mornings.

“Hey, hey, I didn’t think you’d actually do it!” PJ let out an ecstatic squeal. “I mean, I know you’ve been flirting with Howell, but…”

“Peej –“

“…Wait, you didn’t sleep with him to get me on, did you?”

“PJ!” Phil made a noise of disgust, trying to hold back the shudder of revulsion that flooded through him.

“Right, right, sorry, I know that’s not your thing. I just.” PJ laughed breathlessly. “This is _huge,_ Phil. ‘ _Last Man Standing’._ It’s huge!”

Phil allowed himself a smile. PJ’s excitement was almost worth putting up with all Dan Howell’s nonsense – almost. Although he was still dreading actually talking to him again.

Hopefully Dan would be too busy filming to notice them.

“Where are you?” PJ’s voice asked, muffled by the lining of Phil’s hood.

Phil grimaced. “Walking towards the set.”

“How far?”

“I’m three streets away, calm down.”

“I know, it’s just,” PJ let out a long breath, “I don’t think I’m actually brave enough to walk onto set alone, and you’ve done it before.”

And there was a weird thought. Phil being more comfortable on a film set than PJ? That was certainly new.

“Well, stay calm,” Phil reassured him. “Xander’s lovely, and I’m sure he’ll let you play with his camera.”

“You think?”

“I mean, he let _me_ touch it, and you’re a lot more qualified than I am.”

PJ’s squeal of excitement made Phil wrinkle his nose again.

“I can’t stay long, though,” Phil warned. “Got work to get to.”

“Yes, yes, I know.” PJ sounded breathless. “I just need you to walk me onto the set and introduce me and then you can disappear. Unless Dan Howell catches you.”

Phil’s face dropped. “I told you not to bring that up.”

“Yes,” PJ was snickering, “Yes you did.”

Phil huffed. He crossed the last street and hurried up the pavement until he found himself back by the familiar ROAD CLOSED sign. There were only a couple of other people there, and none of the actors were waiting, which made a nice change. PJ was wrapped up in a giant coat to match the brilliance of his smile as he waved at Phil.

Phil slid his phone back into his pocket, grunting as he approached. “Don’t embarrass me.”

“Look at you, with all your posh contacts.” PJ gave a theatrical sigh. “What happened to that shy emo kid from uni?”

Phil elbowed him in the ribs as he went up to the sign, sidestepping it easily. PJ followed him with a moment’s hesitation. Phil could practically _hear_ the nerves jumping around in his friend’s stomach, and he laid a calming hand on PJ’s shoulder, remembering all too well how nervous he was when he’d first set foot on this set in the wake of Dan Howell.

The smoke machines were still blowing, and the lights were set up as they had been, but the giant carriage prop had gone. In its place, a few fake trees reached up to the sky, with more greenery strewn around and a whole forest’s worth of leaves scattered across the road. Phil held a finger to his lips as they approached, and PJ nodded, his eyes wide and his expression awestruck. Phil could see him staring hungrily at the cameras.

They lurked in the back of the set, making as little noise as possible. Filming was going on, but it was focused on the blonde actress again – Phil _really_ needed to learn her name – and only one of the male co-stars. It wasn’t Dan. Phil resisted the urge to stare into every corner of the set to spot the familiar flop of brown hair he’d come to recognise so well.

For their Twitter war, of course.

Instead, Phil focused on Xander, who he could see crouching behind one of the cameras. Phil nudged PJ’s side and pointed him out silently, and PJ’s eyes popped wide. Phil couldn’t help but grin. It was totally worth coming back here just to see his friend’s expression.

The scent of damp leaves filled the air, and that coupled with the props honestly made Phil wonder if he’d been somehow transported to some kind of forest. With the smoke obscuring Manchester’s tall, modern buildings, he could almost believe it. Only the frantic disarray of wires and cameras told him that they were just on a film set.

Once the director called the end of the scene, a flurry of movement started up from everywhere as costume and make-up descended on the actors. Phil grasped PJ’s arm and tugged him across to Xander, pretending he couldn’t feel the way PJ was trembling against him.

Xander glanced up at their approach, beaming when he saw Phil. He clapped him on the shoulder and cheerily asked him how he was, and Phil answered with a small smile and slight disbelief that he’d somehow got onto such friendly terms with one of the industry’s biggest cameramen.

“And this is my friend,” Phil introduced once the niceties were out of the way, beckoning PJ forward. “PJ, he’s an employee at a local film company.”

“Oh, really?” Xander looked PJ up and down, his interest piqued. “What do you do?”

“Um.” PJ’s voice cracked, but he cleared his throat and ploughed on, “Mostly just basic filming right now.”

“They got you on adverts, that kind of thing?”

PJ made a face, and Xander laughed. “I’ve been there, kid. But I’m guessing you know your way around a camera. Want to come see how mine works?”

PJ’s eyes almost popped with excitement, and Xander laughed again, beckoning him over to his camera.

Phil took a step back, watching with a smile. He couldn’t help but feel warm as he watched PJ get acquainted with Xander, playing with the technology, a giant grin never leaving his face. It had been too long since Phil had been able to do something for PJ. Honestly, he found himself wishing sometimes that they’d never moved out of their uni accommodation – as terrible as it had been, at least they’d had each other. These days, it felt like they hardly ever got to see each other.

Phil backed into the shadows when the actors were called back on set. He had a few minutes left until he had to leave for work, and Xander seemed to have decidedly taken PJ under his wing, so his job was done. He’d just watch for a while, maybe try to sneak another photo of Dan, and then head on over to the bookshop.

It was then that he spotted Dan lurking in the corner opposite him, watching Phil with a small smile.

Phil nearly jumped. As it was, he clutched an exaggerated hand to his chest and sent Dan a glare, which was returned with a smirk. Dan waved his phone at Phil triumphantly.

Phil rolled his eyes.

Dan pushed away from the wall, making his silent way across the set. Phil shifted to make space for him by the wall, watching his approach with slight trepidation. He just had to remember the article from earlier. Dan wasn’t available. Their interactions meant nothing passed a bit of fun between – maybe – friends.

“Lester,” Dan grinned, taking his place against the wall beside Phil.

Phil jerked his head in response, eyeing Dan’s phone with worry. “How zoomed-in were you this time?”

“You’ll find out later,” Dan snickered. Their voices were low, not wanting to disturb the filming that was starting up again just a little further up the street. Phil flicked a glance to the set, watching as the blonde actress took up her place, a male actor by her side. Their costumes were thin and flimsy – must be miserable in this weather.

Dan, on the other hand, was bundled up in a giant black coat with the hood pulled right up, covering all of his costume. His eyes were the same as ever, though, dancing at Phil with an amused smirk twisting his lips. “I was starting to think you were avoiding me.”

“Excuse me?” Phil huffed. “I take offence. I’ve had a stalkerish picture of you on my Twitter feed every single day, thank you very much.”

Dan chuckled. “You’re at the level of any tabloid paper, then.”

Phil grimaced. A memory of the article he’d read flitted through his mind again, sinking to the bottom of his stomach and weighing down his limbs. He resolutely pushed any thoughts of it away. He had nothing to be jealous of. He and Dan were just – maybe – friends. And Dan had Susie Longsmith.

“Besides,” Dan was continuing, his voice pitched low, “You haven’t been coming to talk to me.”

Phil gave a slightly guilty smile. “You were always acting, and then I had to rush off to work. Speaking of which. How did you even get half those photos of me?”

“You aren’t a difficult person to follow,” Dan answered breezily.

“Oh?”

“Nope, I had Xander watching which way you went, and there are only so many bookshops along the bus route.”

Phil blinked. Dan had actually put that much effort into finding him? Why – just to keep up their stupid little photo war? Not that he was complaining. He was just – well – surprised.

“You know, I think I’m definitely winning,” Dan mused aloud.

Phil glared at him. “How so?”

“Well, you’ve only ever got photos of me from here,” Dan gestured expansively around the film set, “Which requires, like, zero effort. I, on the other hand, have traipsed around half the city just to snap a picture of you staggering under a pile of books. So.”

Phil spluttered. “I do not _stagger_!”

“I have a lot of evidence to say otherwise.”

“I hate you, Dan,” Phil huffed, folding his arms. “Like, really. So much hatred.”

Dan just chuckled. “That’s no way to speak to the person who got your friend on set, is it?”

“You’re never going to let that go, are you?”

“Probably not.”

“Figures.” Phil let out a long-suffering sigh, shifting slightly against the damp wall. The constant drizzle was beginning to seep through his coat. “Speaking of, I think Xander likes PJ.”

“Yeah?” Dan turned with interest to where Phil pointed them out, watching. Xander was back behind the camera, filming the scene, with PJ at his shoulder watching his every move closely. Even from here, the beaming smile on PJ’s face was obvious.

“Huh,” Dan hummed. “Looks like he’s happy.”

Phil allowed himself to look proud. “Yep. He’s been badgering me to get him on here for weeks.”

“Well, I’m glad I could be of assistance.” Dan slid him a sidelong smirk. “You’re welcome, by the way.”

Phil returned the look with a small smile. “Thanks for allowing the peasants onto your set, Dan.”

“It’s a hard job, believe me.”

“I’m sure.” Phil chuckled, and Dan joined in. They leaned against the wall together, watching the filming in comfortable silence. The rain still fell in a mist around them, soaking into the air. Dan pulled his phone out and fiddled with it for a while, Phil watching with a suspicious glance. He was soon caught back up by the film set, though, watching as the scenes spread out before them. PJ was talking excitedly to Xander, who smiled and nodded along and stepped aside to allow PJ another look at the camera.

“Look,” Dan said suddenly, chuckling. “The fans seem to like my new picture.”

“Excuse me?” Phil span around, and Dan tilted his phone so Phil could see, a smug smile lifting his lips.

Phil peered at Dan’s pristine phone screen, narrowing his eyes. Dan’s Twitter feed was open, a constant flood of notifications lighting up the top of his screen. Phil was a little blown away by the numbers, even with his own recent introduction to the world of celebrity Twitter. He tapped onto Dan’s profile, narrowing his eyes when the first thing that popped up was a new photo of Phil’s face, zoomed right in. His mouth was open, his glasses were wet, and he was staring angrily at the sky.

Phil huffed, glaring at Dan. “Flattering.”

“Right?” Dan took his phone back with a snicker. “They seem to like it, anyway.”

“I’ll get you back.”

“You could,” Dan agreed mildly, “Or we could do something to _really_ make the fans explode.”

Phil’s stomach twisted. Suspicion was instantly at the forefront of his mind, so he narrowed his eyes at Dan, edging a little away from the wall.

“I don’t know where your mind instantly went,” Dan snorted, “But I meant we could take a photo together. You know, show them that we are actually friends.”

_Friends._ Phil’s chest warmed. He couldn’t let that show, though, so instead he painted a smirk onto his face. “Friends? What on earth gave you that idea?”

“Shut up.” Dan elbowed him, then stepped closer again. He was suddenly right in Phil’s space, their arms brushing, Dan’s slightly-damp coat seeping against Phil’s hand, and it was so unusual for Phil to have someone taller than him in his space. Dan lifted his phone with a raised brow. “What do you say?”

Phil licked his lips and reminded his brain how to work. “Uh – yeah? We could. Do that.”

_Curse his awkwardness._

Dan, however, just grinned and lifted the phone again, switching it onto some weird selfie mode that Phil didn’t understand. “Say cheese, then, Lester.”

And then Dan’s arm was around his shoulders, and his face was right by Phil’s, and suddenly Phil didn’t have to fake the smile that sprang to his lips.

Dan pressed the button a few times, until he had a selection to choose from. When he lowered his phone, he didn’t move out of Phil’s space, so Phil just leaned against the wall beside him and peeked over his shoulder as Dan swiped through the photos.

Phil narrowed his eyes. “Do you take that many every time?”

“Usually, yeah.”

“I shudder to think how many unflattering photos of me you must have, then.”

“Oh, you don’t even _know,_ Lester.” Dan chuckled.

Phil groaned.

“Don’t worry, though,” Dan added in a low voice, “It’s hard for you to look bad.”

Phil blinked.

_No,_ he reminded himself. _Susie Longsmith. Visited him. You’re a nobody._

“Though I think you’re improved by proximity to me.” Dan pulled up his chosen photo of the two of them and showed Phil with a proud smile. “We look good together, don’t we?”

Trouble was, Dan was _right_ – the selfie was good. They were both grinning, and Dan’s eyes were sparkling with so much _warmth._ Even Phil’s usually pallid face was glowing, pressed up right next to Dan.

Dan leaned against Phil’s side a little, pulling up Twitter again. “I’m gonna post it now, speak if you have any objections.”

“Um.” Phil struggled to make his voice sound through a squeak. “No, I – no problem.”

“Good.” Dan sent him a sunny grin. “It’s not often I get a hot guy in a picture with me.”

Ok, but how on earth was Phil supposed to take _that_?

Something in his expression must show his inner turmoil, because Dan stepped away a little, and instantly the space beside Phil felt cold. Dan slid his phone back into his pocket and turned towards the set, a small smile still playing about his lips. “Anyway. I think they need me in a minute, so I’d better…”

“Yeah, sure,” Phil rushed, but he managed a weak smile in return. “I’ll, um. I don’t want to keep you.”

“You weren’t, don’t worry.” Dan held his gaze for another moment. He turned away with a small smirk. “Come back to pick up your friend later, we can’t clear all the trash out ourselves.”

“Rude,” Phil muttered.

Dan just laughed as he walked away.

Phil watched him until he was lost in the haze of smoke, and then firmly shook his head. _No._ He couldn’t afford to read anything into what Dan had said – aside from them being friends. That was nice. Dan Howell was his friend. That was something Phil could get behind.

And it explained the warm squishy feeling in his chest whenever Dan was around. There was absolutely no need to read any more into things.

_Susie Longsmith,_ Phil reminded himself savagely on the long, damp walk to work. _She’s Dan’s. Susie Longsmith. Susie Longsmith._

But that didn’t stop him from saving the selfie as soon as he had access to the internet again.

\---

Phil’s day was long, and dull, and there was honestly very little to do at the bookshop. Phil spent the majority of his time with his long limbs folded up into an armchair in the corner, occasionally tending to the few customers who came in during the day, and reading PJ’s increasingly excited texts from the film set.

**PJ:** THEY ACTUALLY LET ME FILM A BIT

**PJ:** I mean they’ll probably cut it out but I filmed something! With real actors!!!

**PJ:** I owe you fifty coffees for this

Phil couldn’t resist a slight chortle. He made a mental note to take PJ up on that offer, though probably not all at once. Phil leaned back in his chair with a sigh. Notes for his thesis were scattered around him, along with a few books he’d been half-heartedly flipping through and calling it ‘research’, but his mind had been fighting him all day. He was trying to work, but all his brain seemed to be interested in was throwing random memories of TV shows at him, or reminding him that he hadn’t called his mum in a few days, and he needed to check that he had a present for his Aunt Jenny’s birthday next week.

By the time the end of the day rolled around, Phil left the bookshop with the heavy, frustrated feeling of having wasted the day. He’d dared to open up Twitter just before leaving, but the amount of notifications had completely exploded his (admittedly rather ancient) phone, and he’d had to give up before he had a chance to read any of the comments on his and Dan’s new photo.

Not that he cared at all. Dan could do what he liked.

_Susie Longsmith,_ Phil reminded himself again as his feet carried him back onto the film set. PJ had promised to be waiting for him, but he wasn’t by the ROAD CLOSED sign, so Phil assumed he’d still be camped out with Xander.

As Phil approached the ROAD CLOSED sign, a few other people that were gathered there turned to look at him, and he heard a gasp. Before he knew it, a young girl was standing his path, her friend beside her, both their eyes wide as they stared up at him.

Phil blinked.

“Is it…” the first of them breathed, “Is it – you?”

“Um…” Phil tilted his head.

“It is! I’m sure of it! You’re Phil Lester!”

“No way!” Her friend squealed, grabbing for her phone.

“It is, look! He’s got the same glasses!” The first girl stared up at him. “It is you, isn’t it?”

Phil managed a weak smile and a nod.

“I knew it!” She squealed again. “Oh, are – are you on your way to see Dan Howell?!”

“Um.” Phil spluttered a little, but before he could say anything else she was speaking again.

“No, sorry, it’s none of my business, it’s just –” she took a breath. “—I really love the photos you’ve been posting. They’re so hilarious, you’ve really brightened my mornings.”

“Oh.” Phil’s smile didn’t waver that time. “Well, I’m - I’m glad you’re enjoying it?”

“I really am!” She grabbed her friend’s arm and they both sent him a final sunny smile. “But anyway, um – we shouldn’t take up your day, just. It was – it was really, really great to meet you!”

“Um, you too.” Phil smiled again, wondering if he should thank them, or offer them a hug, or something? He never in a million years thought he’d be the sort of person to get requests like that, or even recognised. He shook his head, a little dazed, and ended up just sidestepping around them and heading up past the ROAD CLOSED sign towards the film set.

PJ was still with Xander, but Dan Howell was leaning against the wall again, watching him with a small smile.

Phil approached him, still looking slightly dazed. “I just ran into some of your fan club.”

Dan raised both brows.

“They recognised me,” Phil huffed out in amazement. “ _Me_?!”

Dan grinned at him. “Aw, Phil, you’re growing up.”

“Shut up, Howell.”

“Well, I mean,” Dan pushed off the wall and approached him, smirking, “It’s hardly surprising, is it? You’ve been feeding their stalking for ages.”

“You started it,” Phil reminded him mildly.

“True.” Dan’s grin got wider. “They’ve only got more keen today, as well.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, apparently a lot of them _really_ liked our selfie.” Dan fished his phone out of his pocket. “Didn’t you look?”

“Haven’t had a chance,” Phil answered honestly.

Dan shuddered. “I can’t imagine working somewhere you _can’t check the internet_ whenever you want.”

“Well, we’re not all spoiled actors, are we?”

“Oi.” Dan had Twitter open by now, showing Phil the endless flood of notifications. “I was being nice to you – you could return the favour.”

Phil widened his eyes, fixing Dan with an innocent stare. “Oh, light of my life, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“That’s more like it.”

Phil snorted, elbowing Dan’s side as he stepped up to look at his phone. Dan was right – this photo was their most retweeted yet, and there was an endless flood of comments flowing down from it, emanating from fangirlish squeals to repeated mentions of _‘just kiss already’_.

Phil couldn’t help but feel his cheeks heat up a little. He and Dan had never actively talked about the shipping going on behind their little photo war – Phil knew Dan must be aware of it, even if he’d never actively acknowledged it before now. And Phil had spent far too many hours combing through the endless flood of replies, wondering just what _exactly_ it was he and Dan were doing to spark so much speculation.

“I admire their dedication,” Phil finally settled on saying, struggling to keep his voice even.

Dan chuckled. “That’s one way to put it. My favourites are when they start yelling at us for being too cute – if only they knew the truth, huh?”

Phil glanced at him. “What, that all we really do all day is bicker?”

“That, and me making you blush,” Dan answered breezily.

Phil spluttered. “ _When_ have you _ever_ –”

“Don’t deny it, Lester,” Dan challenged, “I saw your face this morning after I called you hot.”

Phil’s spluttering only increased.

“And, see, you’re doing it again now.” Dan’s tone was teasing, and he sidled right up into Phil’s space, his body warm in the cold evening air.

Phil’s head was basically a confused mush of scrambled thoughts by this point. He should back away from Dan – he should _really back away,_ because Susie Longsmith was a thing, and she’d been in Manchester to visit him, and Dan was more than likely straight anyway because in all of Phil’s hunting through articles about him there had never, ever, not even once, been a mention of a guy.

And even if all that wasn’t quite enough, there was the small matter of Phil’s own orientation being a confused mess of _nope._

“What is it, Phil?” Dan’s tone sounded oddly tender, and Phil jumped when a hand closed around his forearm. “Am I making you uncomfortable? I’m sorry, I can stop –”

“Susie Longsmith,” Phil blurted out.

The reaction was instantaneous. Dan drew back in shock, his mouth falling open slightly. “Excuse me?”

“That’s who you’re with, right?” Phil stared determinedly at the floor as he spoke. “Susie Longsmith. The one from ‘ _Reckless’_. I read –”

“Susie’s not been up here in ages.”

“But I thought I saw in the paper…”

“Tabloid trash,” Dan shrugged easily, his eyes shimmering. He sent Phil an appraising glance. “Have you been reading up on me, Lester?”

“No!” Phil was quick to deny, his words tumbling over themselves. “Of course not, how could you be so – why would I – no!”

“If you say so.” Dan was full-on grinning by now. His expression was the worst kind of arrogant, caught right on the edge stupidity.

Phil huffed, glaring down at his toes. There was no way Dan knew his internet history. He was still safe – he had to be. His stalkerish habits remained hidden.

“Well,” Dan added after a moment of silence, and Phil cursed in his head. He _knew_ that tone. That was Dan’s I-know-more-than-you-think stupid arrogant drawl. “If you _have_ been reading up on me, then you should know – I don’t tell the press about the guys.”

Phil’s heart hammered in his throat.

“I mean,” Dan shrugged lightly, “It’s not that I’m ashamed, or anything, it’s just – the press can be really horrible towards bi people, and I don’t really want to deal with it.”

Phil was struggling to digest all this new information. Susie Longsmith was, apparently, maybe not a thing – at least not in the way Phil thought. And Dan was – Dan was –

“So you’re bi?” Phil blurted out again, instantly cursing his lack of tact.

Luckily, Dan was grinning as he answered. “Obviously. I did just tell you that.”

“Well, yes, it’s just.” Phil shook his head, stopping to think for a minute before he spilled too much. “Um. I didn’t know – I didn’t know that was a thing. And I hadn’t seen you say it anywhere.”

“No, well, you wouldn’t, because I haven’t.”

“And you’re not with Susie Longsmith?”

“Not anymore.” Dan tilted his head, his eyes dancing at Phil. “A couple of years ago – and I shouldn’t even be surprised you know who she is, you’re such a fan of ‘ _Reckless’_ –”

“Shut up.”

“—But clearly you missed the bit where we broke up and I moved up here for this job.”

Phil huffed. “I didn’t know you were together, actually. I just looked it up – that is, um I mean – I read it, only then it looked like she’d been up visiting you –”

“Ages ago,” Dan clarified, and he was _definitely_ laughing now.

“Oh.”

“Like, before I met you, ages ago.”

“Oh.”

“So you honestly have nothing to worry about.”

Phil spluttered.

“And you can go back to googling me in safety,” Dan added with another amused grin.

Phil glared at him. “I was not –”

“Don’t bother trying to deny it, Lester, I know where my interviews go.”

Phil closed his eyes and drew in a calming breath. He could deal with this insufferable brat. He _could._ And maybe his insides were squirming just a little bit with this new knowledge, even though he firmly told them to stop. So Dan was bi. That didn’t change anything. Honestly. It didn’t.

“Anyway,” Dan continued when he was done chuckling, “So I’m assuming from all this that you’re gay.”

Phil nearly choked.

“I mean, feel free to correct me,” Dan hurried to add, his hands up, “I’m all for meeting other bi people –”

“I’m neither, actually,” Phil gasped when he could speak again, his face feeling far too hot.

Dan’s face dropped. He stood up straighter, suddenly looking worried as he fixed Phil with a sharp stare. “Oh. Shit, um. Crap. You’re not straight, are you?”

“No,” Phil was quick to reassure him, but he regretted it almost as soon as the words were out of his mouth. Straight? He was, wasn’t he? He’d never been _attracted_ to a guy before. He’d just never been attracted to a girl, either. Did that make him straight? Certainly not gay, or bi, which you could also apparently be, but – but what?

_Asexual,_ his brain helpfully reminded him. Phil pushed the word away. He didn’t even want to begin to explain it, and certainly not to a brat like Dan Howell.

A brat like Dan Howell who was currently sending him a smile erring on the side of caution, in a face that was far too cute for its own good. Dan’s tone was tentative when he spoke again. “Oh. Ok, I’m sorry, I just – I did know there were other ones, I think. I’ve just never met one of you before.”

Phil’s stomach clenched.

“So what are you?” Dan clenched his fists with a nervous laugh. “I mean, not that you have to tell me, it’s just – gay, straight, or bi, I kind of didn’t think –”

“You didn’t think I could be anything else?” Phil finally snapped. His voice sounded much lower than he’d expected it to.

Dan took a slight step back. “Well, not really.”

“Thanks.” Phil’s tone was flat. He span away from Dan, beginning to march away towards the set. Find PJ, and get out. That was all he had to do. Then he could retreat back to the safety of his flat, where everything made sense and all he had to worry about was getting more of his thesis written and how many books Lilith wanted him to move that day.

“Phil, wait,” Dan’s voice called from behind him. “I’m sorry –”

Phil ignored him. He hurried over to where PJ was still with Xander, chatting about something clearly exciting. Phil hated to interrupt them, but his stomach was roiling and he actually felt a bit sick, and his heart was still hammering, and all he wanted was to go _home._

Thankfully, PJ took one look at his face and immediately excused himself from Xander, instead hurrying over to Phil’s side.

Phil didn’t answer any of his questions, instead just grabbing his arm and dragging him back over towards the exit of the film set.

Dan was still waiting. He made to grab them, saying, “Phil –”

Phil ignored him.

PJ looked between them, confused, but Dan just gave a helpless shrug. “I’m sorry? I don’t quite know what I did, but I’m sorry.”

Phil almost snorted. His mind was too much of a mess to sort this out right now. So, before Dan could say anything else, Phil practically manhandled PJ off the set and back out into the street.

He just needed to get home, back to where everything made sense.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay on this chapter, I had to do some unexpected travelling, but it's here now! And double thank you to everyone who's commented. I was honestly overwhelmed by the response to the last chapter, I never expected to see so many people discussing sexuality like that. It's wonderful!! I promise I will reply to all of you. It means so much to me, so thank you <3
> 
> Warning: there's more discussion of sexuality in this chapter. Again, this in no way relates to the real Dan or Phil. This is pure fiction.
> 
> (And everyone was guessing so much about Phil's sexuality for this fic, a bit more is explored and revealed here and eventually I promise everything will become clear)

Phil didn’t go back to the film set for a while. Instead, he spent his days actually working on his PhD, and without the distraction he was able to get the first few thousand words written with little to no difficulty. His research was going well – Lilith had lent him a supply of books to keep him going, and he had the two city libraries to use as well – and Phil had high hopes for getting a good mark.

PJ, on the other hand, was going to the film set every day. He’d hit it off with Xander, so much so that Xander had asked to see some of his portfolio (Phil had been graced with a particularly loud voice message when that happened). Apparently, he was going to show them to the director eventually. PJ was making strides in his career.

Phil, on the other hand, tried to think as little about the film set as possible. He’d only been absent for a few days, but already, Twitter was questioning his sudden disappearance. PJ had somberly informed him that the hashtag ‘whathappenedtoPhil’ was trending in the UK for a while, and there were countless questions flooding both his and Dan’s account.

Dan, apparently, was also completely ignoring the issue. He’d gone back to Tweeting his usual mundane daily life, things like _Look at the giant muffin I had for breakfast!_ And _Raining in Manchester AGAIN, guess people weren’t lying about the climate here._

Phil didn’t care, though. Dan could do what he liked.

Honestly, he wasn’t even sure why he was annoyed. He _wasn’t_ annoyed, not really. He was just mortified at how much he’d accidentally revealed to Dan, when he really hadn’t meant to. Somehow, now, Dan knew all about Phil googling him, stalking his various internet interviews, and (perhaps most terrifying of all), Dan knew all about Phil’s mess of a sexuality.

Phil groaned. He fell back into his covers, hiding his face in a pillow. He had a day off from the bookshop, so he hadn’t bothered with getting out of bed, preferring to drag all his PhD books under the blankets with him. Rain had been pounding against his windows all day, and all in all, Phil was about ready to start climbing the walls of his tiny flat.

That was, until a knock sounded at his door.

Phil instantly went into full meerkat mode. He shot up from under his blankets, glasses askew, staring straight at the door with narrowed, suspicious eyes.

The knock sounded again a few minutes later.

Cautiously, Phil clambered up to his feet, sliding in his mismatched socks over to the door. He peeked through the peephole, eyes widening at what he saw.

Dan Howell was standing in the corridor.

How on earth –? Dan Howell didn’t even know where he _lived._

Phil considered getting back into bed and pretending he hadn’t heard anything, but a third knock sounded, and something in Phil’s stomach twisted. Dan looked nervous through the peephole, his teeth caught in his lower lip. And, well, in the few days that Phil hadn’t seen him, a strange emptiness had taken hold in his chest.

Phil gave in and opened the door with a wrench.

“I’m sorry,” Dan said before the door was even fully open. He had a bag of biscuits – Tesco’s finest, he was really stretching himself – and he was wearing a sheepish smile. “I was a dick, and I’m sorry, and I’ve been doing some research and I realised you could be a few things. I mean. If you’re not bi, or gay or straight or anything, then you might be pan or ace. Or demi, which is something I read about but I didn’t fully understand, so if you could maybe explain it to me slowly –”

“Dan.” Phil held up a hand to stop him, and despite himself there was a smile twitching his lips. “Not a conversation for the doorstep.”

Dan looked up at him, all open edges and soft looks. “Sorry. Um. Can I come in?”

“How did you even find where I live?”

“PJ told me.”

“Of course he did.” Phil lifted his eyes heavenwards. PJ would never stop taking it upon himself to try and fix Phil’s problems.

Dan shifted on his feet, his lower lip caught back between his teeth. “Shouldn’t he have? I’m sorry, um, if you don’t want me here I can go –”

Phi deliberated for half-a-second, in which Dan’s expression dropped, but then he stepped aside with another small smile. “No, it’s alright, you can come in.”

Dan’s face instantly brightened again. Phil tried to ignore the weird flip in his chest at that.

Phil got Dan settled on the sofa, taking the biscuits from him and shoving them on the coffee table for them to share. He swept most of his books and papers onto the floor and settled down beside Dan, trying to ignore the jumping nerves in his stomach. No one had ever known as much about Phil as Dan did. He was feeling pretty terrified.

Of course, it helped that Dan looked fairly scared, too.

“I really am sorry,” Dan started hesitantly. “I didn’t mean to offend you, honestly, you just completely took me by surprise – which of course you shouldn’t have, I mean, you were right, it was pretty terrible of me to just assume –”

“Dan,” Phil stopped the jumbled flood of words with an upraised hand and a kind smile. “It’s ok.”

“It isn’t, though,” Dan continued earnestly. “Like, that was a really terrible thing for me to do –”

“It’s ok.”

“—And I should have thought before I just assumed anything –”

“I mean I kind of did the same.”

“—But I honestly did not mean to offend you –”

“Dan, I know. It’s ok.” Phil grabbed Dan’s shoulder to make him stop, fixing him with a stern stare. “I promise you, I’m not that offended.”

Dan shifted in his grip. “But you haven’t been back on set.”

Phil grimaced.

“I thought you wouldn’t want to talk to me again.” Dan was staring steadfastly down at the ground. His shoulder felt thin under Phil’s grip, his voice still trembling a little with nerves. He didn’t look much like the arrogant Dan Howell that Phil had always assumed he was. No, this Dan just looked – small. And maybe a little bit lost.

Phil let out a gusty sigh. “Ok, maybe I was avoiding you a little bit.”

Dan’s face screwed up.

“But I overreacted, I think,” Phil hastened to add, “And it’s not _you_ I’m mad at, either, it’s just –”

“Just what?” There was the tiniest glimmer of hope on Dan’s features.

It was Phil’s turn to look down. “Just – I – well.” He stopped, took in a breath, and mumbled, “I’ve never really told anyone. About – me. Before.”

A moment of silence hung between them. Dan stared at Phil, his mouth opening a little in understanding, his eyes soft. Phil kept his gaze resolutely on the spot of couch by his knees, refusing to look at Dan. He could still feel Dan’s warmth resonating from the other side of the sofa, though.

“Phil,” Dan eventually spoke, and his tone was far too soft and far too warm. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have forced you to tell me.”

“You didn’t –”

“I shouldn’t have pressured you,” Dan interrupted, and Phil finally looked up at him again. Dan was nibbling on his lower lip. “And – well – I mean, you’re only the second person I’ve told. So.”

Phil’s eyes widened a little. “You’ve only told two people you’re bi?”

Dan gave a sheepish nod. “Honestly, I didn’t exactly mean to tell you, either. But you looked really confused, and I knew you’d never find out from googling me –”

The back of Phil’s neck grew hot.

“—So I figured I’d just have to tell you,” Dan finished. He ducked his head a little. “I mean, I don’t _expect_ anything. I just – I wanted you to know that, well, guys aren’t exactly off-limits for me. Despite the press only knowing about the girls.”

Phil’s expression cleared a little. “If I can ask – um – obviously, you don’t have to tell me, but, why do you keep the guys hidden? If there, I mean, if there have been any.” Phil squeezed his eyes shut. _He was asking Dan Howell about his exes._ Why was this a thing? When had this ever become a part of Phil’s life?

Dan, for his part, smirked slightly. “Honestly, it just never came up. Interviewers don’t bother to ask – like, once you’ve been seen with a girl, that’s it, you know? Even if it wasn’t even that serious. No one assumes you might actually like both.”

Phil bit his lip, considering. “Sorry about that.”

“Why are you sorry?” Dan quirked a brow.

Phil shrugged. “Um, I just guess – it must suck to have people assuming that about you all the time. And I kind of assumed that, too, so…”

“Once you saw me with Susie,” Dan’s expression cleared. He gave a small laugh. “Honestly, it was worth it to see you jealous.”

Phil spluttered. “I _was not…_ ”

“You don’t have to hide it from me,” Dan grinned at him, and there was his usual confidence glimmering through again. “I’m flattered, honestly. I meant it when I called you hot.”

Phil grew flustered all over again. His head was rattling with a confused mush of thoughts, a never-ending rush of muddled feelings clamouring over each other. _Hot._ He didn’t _like_ that word. He didn’t know what that word _meant._ But somehow, Dan calling him it was supposed to be a good thing. And Phil liked Dan – he was slowly, gradually, coming to accept that. He _liked_ Dan Howell.

“Sorry.” Dan seemed to have caught onto Phil’s expression, because now he was looking all nervous again. “Sorry, I’m probably being a bit – well. Anyway. I still don’t know what you are.”

Phil barely concealed a wince.

“And I don’t expect you to tell me, either,” Dan hurried on. “I know it’s complicated. I was – after we last spoke, I realised how much I still didn’t know, so I – I went online, and, um. Looked up some stuff.”

Phil sent Dan an interested look.

Dan ignored him, however, instead digging around in his pocket for his phone. “I made a note, actually –”

Phil grinned. “You made _notes_?”

“Shut up.” Dan sounded flustered for once. “There’s a lot to remember, ok?”

“You made notes.” Phil’s tone was something close to delighted.

Dan just glared at him. He finally retrieved his phone, fumbling with it and almost dropping it twice before he finally settled down. “So, like, from what I can tell, there are five – gay, straight, bi, pan, or ace. I mean.” Dan suddenly looked flustered again. “Obviously, we don’t have to talk about this, I can just go –”

Phil instantly closed a hand around Dan’s wrist.

Dan looked down at Phil’s hand on his skin, then back up at Phil, and then gave a small smile.

“I want to,” Phil said softly. “Talk, I mean. But I’ve never –”

“Don’t worry,” Dan assured, his voice just as low. “I never have, either.”

Phil returned the smile, leaning back against the cushions in an effort to show he was relaxed. In reality, he was far from it. His palms were sweating, his heart was racing, and his head was throbbing with the thought that this was _too much_.

But then he looked at Dan, at this softer, sweeter, more awkward Dan who looked just as nervous as he did. And Phil knew he’d be ok.

“So.” Dan looked back down at his phone. “There’s those five. Which. I should have known, really – when I was first figuring things out, I read loads of bi stuff, and I know I saw the others mentioned but I just never bothered to look, you know? But I really didn’t mean offence. It just all felt a bit…”

“Complicated?” Phil supplied.

Dan nodded. “Complicated.”

“Well, it is,” Phil responded without thinking, and then winced. “Not that I’m an expert. I just – I don’t really get this either, you know?”

Dan gave him a lingering look. “I think so.”

“You were never confused?”

Dan slowly shook his head. “I don’t remember being confused. More – _relieved,_ I guess, is the word. Like, finally I knew it was ok to like both. That I wasn’t the only one.”

Phil mulled that over in silence. _Not to be the only one._ That would be a relief, he knew – Phil was constantly drowning in fear that he would be the only one to ever feel this way. As if he couldn’t quite feel enough. As if he couldn’t feel properly.

“Of course, then I had to hide it.” Dan’s face screwed up, his nose wrinkling. _Adorable,_ Phil’s brain supplied without his permission. “I didn’t really want to hide, but then suddenly _‘Reckless’_ happened and my face was everywhere.”

Phil’s lips twitched. “You must have been devastated.”

Dan shoved him. Phil’s side felt warm where he’d touched.

“It was – weird. Suddenly being everywhere.” Dan pursed his lips. “I mean – I didn’t _hate_ it, the attention is nice and people were saying good things about me for the first time. And things have only really got better since then, and now I can barely walk down a street without someone squealing and running over.”

“I’ve noticed,” Phil added blandly.

Dan shoved him again. Phil rubbed his side.

“I didn’t _ask_ for it,” Dan insisted plaintively, “You know that, right?”

Phil surveyed him. Dan, with his deliberately widened eyes, his floppy hair, his clothes – and for the first time they _were_ his clothes, not a costume or an outfit carefully put together for the public. Dan, apparently, favoured black jumpers and jogging trousers. Relaxed and lazy.

Dan squirmed under Phil’s gaze, so Phil was quick to reassure him. “I know. Or I think I do.”

“You think?” Dan quirked a brow.

Phil nodded. “I mean, sometimes you look like all you want is to hide in corners.”

“Accurate.”

“But then other times you deliberately start photo wars with me just to draw more attention.”

“Hey,” Dan lifted a finger, “That was not just to draw attention.”

“No?”

“Well, it was a bit more specific.” Dan glanced down at the sofa, bunching the fabric between his fingers. Phil almost stopped him before he dug a hole and Phil would have to deal with his landlord shouting. Somehow, _Dan Howell did it_ didn’t seem like a good enough excuse.

Phil pushed away the errant thoughts and asked, “Specific how?”

Dan’s fingers dug in tighter. Phil held back a wince. “I didn’t want _their_ attention. I just wanted yours.”

Phil’s eyes widened a little.

“Sorry,” Dan was quick to add, “I know that’s a bit – well. It must sound creepy.”

“You sound creepy generally.” Phil was a bit dazed.

Dan huffed out a laugh. “Says the guy who yelled at me the first time we met just because _no film could stand up to the book._ ”

If Phil’s brain hadn’t still been busy trying to wrap itself around Dan’s admission, he would have flushed. As it was, he simply said, still dazed, “I already apologised for that.”

“So you did.” Dan shook his head, but there was a smile at his lips. “Pretentious twat.”

Phil blinked. He came back to himself slightly, meeting Dan’s gaze. “So you were just after my attention?”

“Kinda,” Dan acquiesced. “Kinda have been this whole time, if I’m honest.”

Phil blinked again, more slowly this time.

Then Dan’s fingers were against his cheek, and Dan quietly hummed, “You really had no idea. And I thought I was being far too obvious.”

Phil didn’t dare to move. “Sorry. I’m not – I’m not very good at this stuff.”

“Trust me, you’re not that bad.”

“No, I –” Phil let out a frustrated sigh. “I don’t _want_ to be good at this stuff.”

Dan’s eyes widened. And then his fingers were gone from Phil’s cheek, and Phil instantly regretted ever opening his mouth.

“Wait, come back,” Phil rushed, “I didn’t mean it like that.”

Dan sent him a quizzical look, but he kept his place on the sofa.

Phil grimaced, his whole face screwing up, eyes closed and everything. He ran a distracted hand through his hair. “I don’t _know,_ Dan. I mean, I _like_ you. You’re funny and smart and _warm._ But –”

Dan had mellowed a little at Phil’s words. He murmured, “But what?”

“But,” Phil gestured at him, “You’re _Dan Howell._ ”

Dan’s smirk was automatic. “I had noticed.”

“Shut up. You’re _Dan Howell._ And I’m just –”

“Don’t you dare say you’re _just Phil,_ ” Dan warned. “You’re not _just_ anything and you never will be.”

Phil startled. His chest was flooding with that strange warmth again, his entire body tingling. It was terrifying. He ignored his own confused feelings for now, though, instead focusing back on Dan with a sigh. “But I’m not exactly a famous actress. Can’t compete.”

A small crease appeared in Dan’s forehead. “Don’t say that.”

“I mean, you must be used to so many incredible people –”

“It really isn’t that exciting,” Dan interrupted.

“—And then there’s _me_ –”

“And then there’s you,” Dan agreed, but in an entirely different tone to Phil.

Phil just stared at him.

Dan smiled slightly back, holding the gaze for a few seconds before he dropped back down to look at his phone. He sighed. “Look, I – I don’t presume to really know anything, passed the fact that I like you and I’d like to know you better. But I’m not expecting anything. If you’re not comfortable with – well – with any of this, then I’ll drop it. I’ll just go.”

Phil kept his silence while his brain worked furiously to understand exactly what Dan was saying. It seemed as if he was leaving Phil with a choice – a choice to share, or a choice to let Dan go. But Phil didn’t know _what_ to share. What was he supposed to tell Dan, when everything was still such a confused mess to him?

Apparently, he let the silence stretch too long.

Dan got hesitantly to his feet, his expression open and vulnerable. “Um. Right. Ok, well, you know I’m sorry, and you got the biscuits, so – so I’m just gonna…” He stumbled his way off Phil’s sofa, moving over towards the door. His footsteps seemed slow, reluctant almost. Phil wanted to stop him.

He waited until Dan was all the way at the door, his fingers on the handle, before Phil spoke.

“Dan.”

Dan turned instantly.

“I’m asexual.”

It took a moment for understanding to register on Dan’s face. Phil was torn between studying his reaction and running as fast as he could in the opposite direction. As it was, he settled for some kind of in-between, staring at the wall just a bit passed Dan’s head.

“Oh,” Dan said eventually, and Phil cursed himself. This was it, the moment Dan would walk out of Phil’s life for good.

But Dan hovered instead. “I’m glad,” he added, and then winced. “Well, no, I don’t mean – I mean. Wait.” He closed his eyes and tried again. “I mean, thank you for telling me, Phil. And it’s fine. Really. You’re great.”

Phil blinked.

“I’ll, um.” Dan leaned towards the door handle, but his face was still turned towards Phil. “I’ll see you on the set?”

Phil finally made his mouth start working with his brain. “Yeah. Yeah, you’ll see me there.”

“Good. Great.” Dan paused, then sent Phil a small, true smile. It was probably the prettiest thing Phil had ever seen. “I’ll look forward to it.”

Phil watched Dan every step of the way until the door closed behind him.

\---

True to his word, Phil turned up at the film set the next morning, balancing two mugs of coffee in his hands.

PJ beat him there. Phil shouldn’t even have been surprised. Xander and PJ had hit it off instantly, and with this being literally all that PJ had ever wished for, Phil doubted even the four horsemen of the apocalypse could keep PJ away now he had a legitimate way in.

PJ glared at the two coffee cups Phil was sporting. “Are you sure I can’t have _one_?”

“Nope.” Phil’s gaze was occupied elsewhere.

“You’re a monster.”

“Duly noted.”

PJ sighed, following Phil’s gaze to the set where all five of the main characters were currently shooting what was apparently a very important scene. As a result, his and Phil’s conversation was being held in a rush of murmured whispers. “Three guesses who it’s actually for.”

Phil didn’t even look away to send him a tired glare. Instead, he was taking the opportunity to study Dan.

Dan, who was dressed up to the max in costume, with a sword at his belt and a cloak thrown back off his shoulders, dazzling in the limelight of the cameras. The others were with him, of course – the blonde actress Phil still hadn’t learned the name of, with another actress dressed up looking like a witch, and two other men Phil had caught glimpses of before, but never been properly introduced to. He really should learn their names at some point.

It looked like Dan would be busy for a while, so Phil found a dark corner to huddle up in. He balanced the coffees on a ledge by his side, alternating between watching Dan and watching PJ experiment with the camera under Xander’s direction. (Ultimately, though, he was watching Dan. He was proud for PJ and all, but, well, _Dan_ ).

Since Dan left his flat the previous night, Phil had done little but think. Think about how much he’d learned about Dan in that one conversation, how much he knew now that hardly anyone else could know. Dan Howell had been sitting on his sofa. Dan Howell had shared more with Phil than Phil had ever expected. And Dan Howell knew something about Phil that he’d never actually said out loud before.

Now, though, Dan Howell was back in his element, and Phil was getting to watch him. He could hardly waste this opportunity. And, well, he hadn’t participated in their photo war for a while.

The photo Phil snapped of Dan was really rather perfect. Dan was mid-speaking, so his mouth was open, and Phil had managed to figure out the zoom on his rather ancient phone, so he’d used it profusely. He tweeted the picture with a simple caption.

_@amazingphil:_ Howell never saw this one coming

As expected, the response was instantaneous. Dan had shown Phil a way to connect to wifi at the film set a while ago (of course Dan had insisted that the set had internet access at all times), and he was relieved that the connection was faster than his one at home, seeing as the sudden flood of tweets was really rather overwhelming.

_@dangirl342:_ PHIL YOU’RE BACK I MISSED YOU

_@danslittlephil:_ Wow strong use of the zoom there, isn’t Dan going to kill you?

_@charthefan:_ IT’S THE RETURN!!! #phan

Phil blinked. What the heck was #phan? With a feeling of slight trepidation, he clicked on the little blue link, and flinched when it took him to a whole new Twitter tag page.

#phan was, apparently, a tag dedicated solely to the ship of Phil and Dan.

And it went on for pages.

Phil felt slightly faint.

Luckily, just then the director called cut, so Phil hastily shoved his phone deep back down inside his bag. He scooped up the coffees again, looking up, and waved Dan over as soon as he saw him.

Dan was searching the outskirts of the set as he moved away from his fellow actors, and his face brightened the moment he caught sight of Phil. Phil lifted a coffee cup in invitation. Dan didn’t hesitate to stride straight over to him, a smile caught at his lips.

“Oh my God, you’re my saviour,” was the Dan way greeted Phil as he all but snatched a coffee mug off Phil.

Phil arched a brow. “Good to know. Does that mean I can make you do whatever I say?”

“Depending on how good this is, I actually might agree to that.” Dan took a long sip and closed his eyes, letting out a sigh of appreciation.

Phil grinned. “Looks like I’ll be ordering you around, then.”

Dan didn’t answer him directly. Instead, he took another sip, saying dazedly, “You got my order exactly right.”

“Really?” Phil looked pleased with himself.

“Yep.” Dan narrowed his eyes, tone playful. “Have you been google stalking me again?”

Phil spluttered. Dan seemed entirely too pleased with himself, still grinning as he sipped again at the coffee. He had a little milk moustache. Phil decided he looked too endearing for his own good.

“Actually,” Phil huffed as soon as he could speak again, “I just got you what I usually order, so, lucky guess.”

Dan lifted one delicate brow. “You have good taste.”

“Normally I’d agree, except I seem to like you.”

“Rude.” Dan shook his head, but his lips were still quirked up. The expression suited him, Phil decided – as did the green of his cloak. It gave his brown eyes an earthy glow.

Dan settled against the wall beside Phil, coffee clutched between the palms of his hands to warm them. The chill of winter was beginning to lift, but spring was arriving slowly – the air was still crisp and cold, and Phil was glad of the warmth of Dan beside him.

“So,” Dan began after a moment of silence, “I’m glad you came today.”

Phil looked at him quizzically. “I said I would, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, but I wasn’t sure.”

“Why not?”

Dan shifted a little, avoiding Phil’s gaze by looking down at their feet. “After what we talked about. I wasn’t sure how – well – how comfortable you’d be.”

Phil shot him a considering look. “Because of how much we told each other?”

“Well. Sort of.” Dan met his eyes cautiously. “More because of how much you told me. I was worried I’d pressured you.”

“You didn’t,” Phil reassured him with a smile. The way Dan was looking at him, all open edges and nervous smiles, warmed Phil’s heart. “I promise.”

Dan continued to look at him for a moment longer, but then a warm smile lit up his face. “Good.”

Phil’s brain told him it wouldn’t mind processing that smile of Dan’s forever.

They settled close together against the wall, shoulders just brushing. Dan finished up his coffee and then reached for his phone, Phil alternating between watching the film set and sending Dan sidelong glances. Dan’s phone was buzzing in his hand as he logged into Twitter.

Phil waited with anticipation for Dan to find his newest Tweet.

The fallout came quickly. Dan gave a snort, his phone displaying the picture Phil had snapped of him earlier, shaking his head. “Honestly. You’re a sneaky shit.”

“Don’t you swear at me,” Phil sniffed.

Dan snorted again, but he didn’t look up from scrolling through his replies. Phil peeked over his shoulder, only feeling mildly guilty about spying but figuring it was okay when Dan didn’t move away. The replies had multiplied since Phil looked, but mostly they still consisted of the fangirlish squealing that Phil was slowly growing accustomed to.

Perhaps more worryingly, most of them also seemed to be using #phan.

Dan didn’t seem bothered as he chuckled at a few, but Phil felt it like a weird itch under his skin. A ship name about the two of them. It was a little risky, wasn’t it? Especially as Dan was apparently trying to hide his bisexuality from the press. And Phil – well, Phil wasn’t entirely sure how he felt, but he felt a little odd at the thought of thousands of people speculating on his relationships. He supposed Dan must be more used to it.

When the hashtag was continuously appearing, though, Phil couldn’t keep quiet for long. “Doesn’t it bother you?”

“Hm?” Dan barely looked up from his phone.

Phil swallowed. “The – you know, the tag, and the. Shipping. And stuff.” He could feel his cheeks growing hot, so Phil looked resolutely at the floor. “Doesn’t it bother you?”

Dan’s attention was immediately solely on Phil. His tone was light, oddly neutral. “Not really, no.”

“Oh.” Phil didn’t risk looking up from the ground.

He felt Dan shift a little closer, his shoulder pushing into Phil’s. “Does it bother you?”

Phil gnawed on his lip, considering. “…Not exactly.”

“But?” Dan prompted.

Phil sighed. “But – I don’t know. It’s a little … odd? Maybe?”

“I mean, it is,” Dan agreed, “But no worse than what newspapers do every day. Better, in fact – the guys on Twitter at least care about me. Us.”

Phil risked a quick glance Dan’s way then. Dan was looking straight at him, his expression almost – inquisitive?

“I can tell them to back off if you’re uncomfortable,” Dan rushed to add.

Phil waved him away. “No, it’s – it’s ok, I think.”

“Tell me the minute it isn’t,” Dan demanded. “They’ll chill if I tell them to chill.”

Phil managed a half-smirk. “So much power.”

“Good job I’m benevolent.”

“Are you.”

Dan grinned, and the expression was so warm that Phil instantly decided this was worth it. Almost anything would be worth it if he got to stay close to Dan.

“Besides,” Dan added softly. “’ _Phan’._ You’ve got to admit, it’s got a ring to it.”

Phil made a confused face. “You think?”

“Yeah, you know, our names work well together.”

Phil shook his head, ignoring the way that sentence made his stomach decide to do backflips. “Bit unoriginal, don’t you think?”

Dan snorted. “Well, _sorry,_ Mr. Big Shot Editor.”

Phil shoved his side.

Dan almost fell with a snicker, catching himself by grabbing onto Phil’s arm. Phil steadied him readily enough, although it did nothing to calm his somersaulting stomach. They leaned into each other’s space, the movement so natural, and suddenly Dan’s face was right in front of Phil’s. Their eyes met, and everything stilled. The air around them grew warm.

The moment held, and Phil decided he never wanted to look away. Dan’s face was just so _interesting_ – elastic, it moved with his every expression when he wanted it to, his eyes open and vulnerable and _warm._ And the way he was studying Phil in return made Phil’s pulse start to flutter in his throat.

The moment couldn’t last, though.

The director called from the set, announcing the next scene’s filming, and Dan reluctantly drew away. He lingered a moment longer, fixing Phil with a small smile. “Come back tomorrow?”

“Always,” Phil promised, and there was no hesitation in his tone.

Dan’s smile grew. He lifted a hand in a wave as he returned to the set.

Phil stayed to watch him for as long as he could before he remembered his own need to get to work. He lingered for long enough for PJ to roll his eyes at him, though, and make an exaggerated heart symbol with his hands.

Phil resisted the urge to flip him off as he headed back away from the set.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to OvereducatedAndOverworked in the comments for nudging me to include 'phan' as a thing ^_^ your wonderful ideas continue to inspire me


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm the worst, I didn't update for ages and then it's really short when I do. But I wanted to upload something today, when it's been pretty horrible in my country, so have some fluffy schmoop <3
> 
> Also, you may notice that Louise has made a sudden appearance. This is because, after chatting with my rather wonderful beta OvereducatedAndOverworked, we thought it made more sense to have her be the main actress. Tyler Oakley's gonna show up later, too. Hope you're all ok with that.
> 
> Enjoy the chapter! I'm uploading this on very little sleep, so apologies if there are any mistakes. And I promise to reply to all your comments soon, they all make my day. You're all fab ^_^

_@amazingphil:_ I’m proud of this photo. Everyone wants to see @danisnotonfire in a giant puffy raincoat, right?

_@danisnotonfire:_ @amazingphil I s2g you won’t get away with this

_@amazingphil:_ @danisnotonfire fighting talk but I don’t see a response

_@danisnotonfire:_ @amazingphil this enough for u? What r u even doing here, that stack of books looks like it’s smothering u

_@amazingphil:_ stop stalking me @danisnotonfire

_@danisnotonfire:_ @amazingphil no can do soz

Phil rolled his eyes, placing his phone back on the counter as he looked up to serve the next customer. He almost felt bad about abusing Lilith’s wifi, but, well, he figured this cause was worth it. Dan needed to be taken down a peg or two. And Phil had to defend his honour.

He turned to the customer with a smile. A slight queue had built up in his momentary lapse of attention, so he gave an apologetic smile to the young boy and his mother who were politely waiting for him to finish.

His stomach jolted when he saw the book they were buying.

“Oh, _‘Last Man Standing’!_ ” Phil took the book, trying not to react too much. He shouldn’t be surprised – sales for the book had rocketed since news of the oncoming film, particularly here in Manchester. Everyone wanted to know the source of all the fuss that had closed the majority of the roads in the centre of the city for several months.

Phil slipped the book into a bag and handed it to the boy with a smile, taking the money from his mother. As they moved away, he served the next few customers, which kept him busy for several minutes.

When Phil finally had a break again, he dug his phone out of his pocket to see a new text in his inbox.

**Dan:** hey u free? I wanna get off the set

Phil held back a smile. He and Dan had been meeting up a lot more regularly, making the time to talk, usually by the ROAD CLOSED sign by the entrance to the film set. They’d grown a lot closer, too – Phil had learned just how awkward Dan truly was, and that he was secretly just as big a gamer nerd as Phil (something he strove to hide from the press – didn’t suit his ‘cool’ image, apparently). They teased each other and poked fun and snapped sneaky photos to put on Twitter later, but for the most part, they were settling into a warm kind of friendship the likes of which Phil hadn’t really ever felt before. Sure, he was close with PJ, but with Dan there was a natural ease that Phil had never found with anyone else.

But they’d only ever talked on the film set. So was this text Dan inviting him out?

Phil pursed his lips, typing out a quick reply before he had to go back to serving customers.

**Phil:** aren’t you supposed to LIKE the set? 0.o I have lunch break in an hour

He busied himself with customers again, trying his best to keep on top of the queue – it was a Friday, close to lunchtime, and it was half term as well, so a lot of schoolkids were in as well as the usual lunchtime traffic. When he got a spare minute to check his phone again, Dan had replied.

**Dan:** the set is supposed to like me, actually. I’ll be at your shop in an hour

Phil blinked. Dan was coming to fetch him, and everything? This was a new development. This felt more like actual _hanging out_ , as opposed to just casual meetings when they both happened to be in the same place at the same time. Dan constantly managed to throw Phil off, just when he was beginning to settle into the idea of being Dan’s friend.

They hadn’t discussed anything more … _personal_ since Dan showed up at Phil’s flat. But they had grown close, and Phil was really starting to crave Dan’s company. He liked Dan’s sarcasm, his quick humour, his awkward gangliness that he tried to hide behind his effortlessly cool image. (He even managed to look cool in his knight costume. Frankly, Phil thought that was a miracle). And, by some wonder, Dan seemed to enjoy Phil’s company, too. Their quick snatches of conversation turned into hour-long chats at the edges of the film set, until Dan got called back on set or Phil had to rush off to work. He’d been late three more times since meeting Dan, and Lilith had taken to simply rolling her eyes at him.

Phil willed his work to go by quickly for the next hour, itching to see what Dan had planned. If he _had_ anything planned. Phil had learned rather quickly that Dan was quite awkward, and if he wanted something then he tended to act before thinking about the consequences. It wouldn’t surprise Phil at all if Dan turned up in full costume with a trail of fangirls at his heels with absolutely no idea what to do. He held back a shudder at the thought.

Phil was just putting some books back onto a shelf when the bell above the door rang. He slotted the book in his hand into place, left the rest in a neat pile to return to, and turned towards the door with his usual friendly smile in place.

He was not prepared to be stared back at by three teenagers – two girls and a boy.

Upon him looking at them, the three of them gasped. One girl hopped on her foot, pointing at him. “Ahh! It’s actually him!”

Phil instantly looked wary.

“Shush, you’re scaring him,” the other girl hissed, and the boy stepped in front of them both to face Phil.

Phil resisted the urge to edge back a step.

“Sorry,” the boy blurted after a few seconds too long of just staring. “Sorry, but – are you – um. Are you Phil Lester?”

Phil blinked, hard.

One of the girls spoke then, looking a little mortified. “Sorry for just barging in – we didn’t think you worked here, but then I saw you through the window…”

“You look just like you do on Twitter,” the boy explained.

Phil swallowed his confusion and upset and plastered on a smile instead – it wasn’t their fault he’d somehow found himself embroiled in a Twitter photo war. So Phil managed to speak in a warm tone. “Oh! Yeah, I’m Phil. Sorry. I still kind of forget people might recognise me.”

“You’re amazing, though!” The boy enthused. “I love you and Dan – seriously, your photos are the funniest part of the day.”

“You’re doing everyone a service, taking them,” one of the girls piped up.

Phil’s smile didn’t waver as he considered those words. He supposed Dan’s fans must like the chance to see Dan in such a vulnerable position – and, well, Phil had seen the tags. Their ship was still going strong. It was doing wonders for both his and Dan’s public profile.

“Could we – um –“ the boy stammered, holding up his phone. “Could we get a photo?”

Phil was nonplussed for a moment before he gathered together his scattered wits enough to agree. The three of them crowded around him and took several selfies, finding their voices the longer they were around him. They were nice people, and friendly, though Phil was still entirely too weirded out by the whole situation.

And then the bell above the door rang again, and Dan Howell himself walked in.

The reaction from the three was immediate. They grouped together with a shocked gasp, staring rapidly between Dan and Phil. Phil slightly wanted to get swallowed up by the floor.

Dan surveyed the scene in one glance. He arched a cool brow and focused in on Phil, amusement twitching the corner of his mouth. “What’s going on here?”

“I can explain,” Phil answered weakly.

“Can you?” Dan’s tone was dry; amused. He took a step closer, and all three of the teenagers squeaked.

“Dan’s here to visit Phil!” One of the girls hissed. “It’s a date, isn’t it? It’s totally a date.”

“Christine!”

“You can’t just say that!”

Phil closed his eyes and prayed even harder that the ground would open up and swallow him whole. Anything to save him from Dan’s raised brow and smug little smirk.

Dan, however, seemed to have no such misgivings. He strode on over to Phil and nudged his shoulder, his smirk only growing. “Got yourself a fan club while I was away, hm?”

Phil spluttered.

Dan gave a silvery laugh, but before he could say any more, the teens were back asking for more selfies, this time with the both of them. Phil was tempted to say no – he was tired, and this was beginning to eat into his precious lunch hour – but Dan, infuriatingly, was his usual charming self and offered to take as many photos as they wanted.

Although, Phil had to admit that standing next to Dan was rather pleasant, and it gave him an excuse to wrap an arm around Dan’s waist. So, all in all, the experience wasn’t _entirely_ bad.

Once the teens had gone, with many gushing thank-yous, Dan turned to Phil with a snort. “How long do you reckon it’ll take for that to go on Twitter? I’d bet under an hour.”

“How can you be so calm about this?” Phil demanded, still spluttering a little.

Dan arched a brow, his smirk curling the corner of his lips again. “When you’re as famous as I am, Phil, you get used to this sort of thing.”

Phil shoved his side, grumbling, and Dan burst out laughing. Phil liked Dan’s laugh. It was loud and unashamed and made the corners of his eyes crinkle up, and he liked seeing Dan so warm and happy.

Phil tried not to analyse that emotion too much.

“Did you come here just to annoy me?” Phil grumbled, returning to his pile of books.

Dan shrugged, leaning against the shelf beside Phil, still smirking. “Not exactly. I consider it a happy accident.”

Phil glared at him, and Dan snickered again. He leaned into Phil’s side, and Phil tried to ignore the sudden rush of warmth that flooded through him whenever he and Dan touched. “I thought you had lunch break?”

“I do,” Phil confirmed.

“Want to spend it with me?”

“That sounds like the last thing I’d ever want to do.”

“Rude,” Dan sniffed.

Phil grinned at him. “Give me two minutes to put the rest of these books away, and then we can go.”

Dan’s face brightened right up again, and Phil had to bite back a coo.

\---

“A green envelope?!”

Phil sipped his coffee, staring down at the tabletop with the back of his neck growing hot. “I just really liked it, ok?”

Dan let out another burst of warm laughter, the corners of his eyes crinkling right up. “Why? Was it a special sort of envelope?”

Phil flicked a grain of the muffin they were sharing at him, and Dan instantly dived away with a squeal.

Phil laughed at him.

“Rude!” Dan huffed. “If you got any of that on this shirt, I’m going to have to assassinate you.”

Phil arched a brow, surveying Dan’s appearance. He’d managed to change out of his costume before heading over to meet Phil, but he wasn’t as dressed down as the time he’d been over to Phil’s house. Instead, Dan was wearing a black shirt that was probably a lot more expensive than it looked, and skinny jeans so tight that they must have been cutting off blood circulation to his ankles. His hair wasn’t styled for his character this time, so Dan was sporting his trademark fringe. It made him look a lot more like Jackson, his character from _Reckless._ Needless to say, that wasn’t helping Phil’s blood pressure any.

If Dan noticed Phil’s prolonged staring, he didn’t comment. Dan looked almost out of place in such a homely setting as the café right next to Phil’s bookshop – with his long limbs folded awkwardly into one of the armchairs, and his large hands wrapped comfortably around a mug. It was hard to reconcile this person with the Dan Howell on the film set every day, teasing Phil with a smirk and snapping odd photos of him.

Thinking of odd photos –

Phil dug his phone out of his pocket, attempting to be inconspicuous. He opened it up, glancing out of the window in pretence as a moment of comfortable silence settled between them. Dan was busy sipping, so Phil took the opportunity to fumble out his camera app and snap a sly photo.

Only – he’d forgotten to turn off the sound. So when he snapped the photo, the loud _click_ echoed throughout their corner of the coffee shop.

Dan paused mid-sip. He sent Phil a tired, almost disappointed glare over the rim of his mug, and Phil felt the back of his neck grow hot again. He shoved his phone back into his pocket with a defiant twist to his lips. “What?!”

Dan shook his head, but his lips were twitching as he set down his mug. “Honestly, if you want a photo, at least let me use my phone.”

“ _Your_ phone?”

“Yeah, at least then the quality would be decent.” Dan reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone with another snicker. “Maybe we could selfie again – that made the internet explode last time.”

Phil snorted, muttering under his breath, “Largely down to you.”

“Oh, no, Lester,” Dan berated. “This is just as much your fault as mine.”

“You’re the one who’s a famous actor,” Phil pointed out.

Dan shook his head. “And you’re the one who keeps teasing them with sneaky photos.”

“You started the photo war!”

“Because you were being incredibly annoying,” Dan scoffed. “And you still are, for that matter.”

Phil lifted his eyes heavenward. He snatched up the rest of his half of the muffin, muttering, “I’ll give you _annoying,_ you’re the one practically stalking me.”

Phil took a little too much pride in the way Dan choked on his coffee at that.

“Honestly,” Dan griped when he managed to catch his breath. “I don’t know why I put up with you in the first place – thought you’d had enough of arrogant actors picked for their pretty faces.”

“Hey!” Phil put on an expression of mortal offence.

“What? You literally said that the first time we met.”

Phil closed his eyes, drawing in a long breath. Dealing with Dan Howell required a huge amount of patience. Their conversations were always shot through with this endless back-and-forth, constant teasing, and never-ending bickering, and yet Dan always wore that smirk and Phil would always find himself smiling. For some reason, arguing with Dan Howell was the most fun Phil had had in a long time.

“You’re never going to let how we met go, are you?” Phil asked eventually.

Dan shook his head with a delighted grin. “Never.”

“If I’d known it was you, I never even would have said anything,” Phil muttered darkly into his coffee.

Dan blinked. Then he was suddenly leaning across the table, one hand half-reaching out to Phil before he seemed to think better of it and tucked his fingers back under the table. He drummed them against his knee rapidly as he fixed Phil with an interested gaze. “Oh?”

Phil lifted one shoulder in a half-shrug. “Well, I mean. I certainly wouldn’t have treated you the way I did.”

Dan pursed his lips, considering that statement. In the half-silence that followed, occupied only by the background chattering of their fellow café-goers, Phil was beginning to fear that he’d said the wrong thing, or accidentally offended Dan somehow. He still managed to do that – Dan was volatile by nature. It didn’t take much to set him off.

“I’m glad you said what you did,” Dan said abruptly.

Phil looked at him uncomprehendingly.

“I mean, you were offensive,” Dan conceded with a small smirk, “But I can’t deny it was refreshing.”

Phil stared at him. “ _Refreshing?_ ”

“Yeah.”

“You find being insulted _refreshing_?”

“There’s no need to sound so upset about it,” Dan laughed, “It gets you off the hook, after all.”

Phil shook his head, his face settling into an unhappy pout. “Yeah, but I don’t much like what that says about you.”

“How kind.”

“No, I didn’t mean –” Phil sighed, placing both hands flat on the table. “I meant, that implies that you prefer being insulted to complimented.”

“…Maybe, yeah.”

“Well, I don’t much like that,” Phil insisted, although he refused to meet Dan’s eyes. Saying this next sentence might just prove to be a mistake, but it felt like a risk he should afford to take. “You’re really great at what you do. You should like getting told that.”

When Phil risked a quick glance over to Dan, he saw Dan’s expression soften into something warm and tender. He offered Phil a small smile, which Phil hesitantly returned.

“Thanks,” Dan finally spoke again, his tone low. “I appreciate that.”

“Well, I mean it.”

“You’ve come so far.”

Phil rolled his eyes and leaned over the table to give Dan’s shoulder a shove. Dan snickered at him, but proceeded to almost fall off his chair – he had a nasty habit of sitting on his legs and _rocking,_ of all things – so he was forced to grab onto Phil’s arm not to go sprawling onto the floor in the centre of the coffee shop. Phil tried not to think too much about it as he carefully righted Dan.

Dan seemed to be thinking along the same lines, though, as he grabbed Phil’s wrist before Phil could move too far away. “Really, though. I’m grateful. I was a bit rude to you, as well – back then.”

Phil arched a brow. “Only back then?”

“Shut up,” Dan laughed. “I just meant I assumed you knew nothing about film. But actually you’re a pretty awesome editor, according to PJ.”

Phil’s smile was more genuine this time. “I’m glad you and him are getting along.”

“Of course, how could we not? He’s much nicer than that weirdo friend of his.”

Phil glared, and Dan dissolved back into laughter.

\---

They spent the rest of Phil’s lunch break devouring another muffin and swapping stories about their favourite games. Luckily, Dan agreed that _Final Fantasy VII_ was the best of the series, so there wasn’t any need for another argument there. They went into great depth over their favourite characters, and then somehow got onto Studio Ghibli (Dan was also apparently a great fan), and then anime, and honestly Dan was starting to seem more than a little bit perfect. Sure, he ranted a bit more about characters than Phil was entirely used to, but it was refreshing to finally have someone he could reveal his inner nerd to. PJ could only take so much.

Eventually, though, they had to return to the real world. A short time later, Dan’s phone buzzed in his pocket when he was mid-rant.

“So you see, there’s really no reason why Al’s body was weaker when he was trapped in the armour,” Dan was still saying absentmindedly as he pulled his phone out.

Phil pursed his lips. “But surely it was because he wasn’t getting any nourishment?”

“Then he’d have died years ago, Phil, think about it.” Dan’s tone became a little more distracted, however, and he frowned at his screen.

Phil debated continuing the argument, but decided the more pressing matter was checking that Dan was ok. So he set down his mug and leaned a little closer. “What’s up?”

“Hm?” Dan looked up, then quickly slid his phone away with a sigh. “Oh, nothing. They need me back on the set soon, that’s all.”

“Ah.” Phil tried not to sound too disappointed. He had been deliberately avoiding checking the time for fear of knowing that his lunch hour must be well over by now.

“Yeah.” It was a small comfort, but Dan sounded just as reluctant as Phil. But he still got to his feet, leaving Phil feeling a little hollow. “I’d stay, only I’m scared Tom will try and rip the set out from under me.”

A crease appeared in Phil’s brow as he followed suit. “Tom?”

“Yeah.” Dan slung his jacket over his shoulders, fixing Phil with a slightly amused stare. “Tom Peterson? He’s playing Julius.”

“Oh!” Phil’s expression cleared a little. Julius was the third knight in ‘ _Last Man Standing’,_ and a good character, if a bit of a side-act.

“Yeah.” Dan let out a sigh. “He’s nice, probably, but he keeps getting grumpy that he doesn’t have many lines. The film’s had to edit his character quite a lot – he’s kind of the third in the same formula, you know? – and he’s a bit put out that he doesn’t have as much to do as me and Harry. Especially with Harry being a newbie.”

Phil shook his head, holding the door open for Dan as they made their way outside. “Film set politics. Mostly why I prefer staying behind the scenes.”

“I could almost agree with you.”

“Don’t lie, Dan, you couldn’t survive without at least fifty cameras on you all at once.”

“You’re a liar and a heathen,” Dan huffed, but he was smiling again, much to Phil’s relief. “Besides, not everyone on the film set is bad. Louise is adorable.”

“Louise?”

“Yeah – the one playing Estelle?” Dan rolled his eyes at Phil’s blank look, scoffing, “My word, you’re the worst fan in the world.”

“Just because I don’t keep up with you crazy celebrities!”

“Yes, but you’ve literally seen Louise every single day you’ve come on set.”

“…Oh.” Phil paused, a little thrown. He narrowed his eyes. “Wait. The blonde one?”

Dan looked mortally offended. “She’d hate to be referred to by only her hair colour, but yeah,” his face wrinkled up, “ _The blonde one_.”

“Oh.” Phil pursed his lips as they walked down the street back towards his bookshop. He’d only caught a few glimpses of the blonde actress from afar, but she’d seemed bubbly and smiley and she always took time to talk to any fans that were waiting by the set, so she couldn’t be all that bad. Plus, Dan liked her.

Phil’s stomach dropped a little when they were outside his bookshop again, and he hovered by the door, looking at Dan. “Will you be ok getting back to the set?”

Dan rolled his eyes. “I think I can manage a walk through a city in broad daylight in the middle of the day, yes.”

“Sarky,” Phil huffed. “I just don’t want you to get mobbed by screaming fans.”

“That really isn’t that bad –”

“Ok, go now,” Phil snorted, giving Dan a shove. “You’re _insufferable_.”

“Whatever you say.” Dan was grinning, but he paused before walking away. “Oh, also, don’t tell anyone what I said about the film. Sworn to secrecy, and all that.”

“I’ll post it on Twitter tonight,” Phil promised. “Along with photos of you in your costume that I’ve secretly been hoarding away.”

“You _haven’t_.”

Phil shrugged. “Blackmail fodder.”

“You’re the worst.” Dan sent him a final glare, on the edge of turning on his heels to begin his walk back to the film set.

Phil just grinned sweetly back at him, but he stayed waiting by the door for as long as Dan was still in sight.

\---

When he got back from work that evening and curled up with his usual TV and internet fix, Phil realised that Dan actually had Tweeted a selfie from their coffee trip earlier, and it had sparked the usual reaction from his fans. The shipping tag ‘ _phan’_ was going wild again, and everyone seemed to be thinking that they’d been on a coffee date.

_A date?_

That thought had never even crossed Phil’s mind, but now the idea had been put there, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Phil had never been on anything even close to a real date before – apparently, according to PJ, he’d had offers before, but Phil had either never realised they were dates or flat-out refused to go along. Dating was never something that had been particularly appealing to him.

But with Dan – well, it had been _fun._ If what they did could even be considered a date. It could also just have been a nice trip out as friends. In fact, that was more than certainly what it _was_.

Phil felt a little shocked when he realised he was _disappointed_ with that.

_Nope._ Phil shoved those thoughts far away to the back of his skull, burying them under a blanket and smothering them into silence. He didn’t want to think about what that might mean. Because if he wasn’t happy being friends with Dan, then that implied he wanted something … _other._

And, quite frankly, the idea of that terrified Phil.

He’d never been one to consider a relationship. He never thought it was something that would fit into his life – not yet, anyway. Maybe, years in the future, when he had a job he loved and a pretty little house out in the country somewhere, he’d thought it might have been nice to have someone to share that future with. But not _yet._ And before, the person had always been a vague shadow; just an idea.

But now, the shadow was wearing Dan’s face, and that was more terrifying than anything Phil’s brain had ever supplied him with before.

_Stop._ Phil savagely ordered his brain to shut up, closing his laptop suddenly. Phil had never been one for overthinking. He tended to just allow events to play out, floating along with them as best as he could with minimal time to freak out. He didn’t want to change that. He didn’t want to let Dan Howell any more into his head than he already was.

So Phil turned back to the TV and tried to drown out his thoughts with an old favourite film (it didn’t help that his go-to feel better film was ‘ _Reckless’,_ so Phil was forced to choose something more mediocre).

But no matter what he did, Phil couldn’t get Dan Howell’s crinkly-eyed laughter out of his head.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been brought to my attention that I accidentally made a 21 Pilots reference last chapter. I didn’t even mean to. I’ve never listened to them. Oops. But, if it made some of you happy, then I suppose it was a happy accident xD 
> 
> Also, I now have a *tentative* schedule, and so I plan to update this fic every Monday. Look out for new chapters then (and thanks so much for the response to this fic so far, it continues to astonish me!) ^_^
> 
> More warnings for discussions of sexuality (and also awkwardness I don't even know what this chapter is tbh)

5am was a ridiculous time that never should have been invented, and anyone who thought otherwise was going to get blasted by Phil’s death demon gaze.

He tucked his hands into his jacket pocket, glaring down at the pavement. At this point, Dan was just being unnecessarily cruel, forcing Phil to brave the outside world at this stupid time in the morning. And, worst of all, this wasn’t even the _first time._ Dan had got into the rather nasty habit of texting Phil whenever his shift of filming was over, so they could meet up, which originally had seemed like a really sweet thing to do. Until Phil realised that Dan’s shifts finished at the worst times, like _5 o’clock in the morning._

(Secretly, Phil knew he could say no, but any time with Dan was precious and important and he was apparently willing to do literally anything to try and see him as much as possible).

Phil lingered on the edge of the set, watching the final scene draw to a close. They’d been doing a night shoot, Xander had informed him earlier, with only the most dedicated of workers present. Not even PJ had braved this time of morning. Despite the fact that spring was just poking its head around the corner, the mornings still bit with darkness and frost, and it was uncomfortably chilly to be outside.

Phil relished in the fact that he at least got to wear a jacket. Dan was stuck in his flimsy little green cloak with his hair all back. Not that it looked like it bothered him – he wasn’t even shivering, the stupidly good actor that he was. Phil felt more sorry for the blonde actress he was working with. She was stuck in a long, filmy dress that looked like it was made out of some thin type of silk. It was a gorgeous shade of blue, but she looked absolutely frozen.

Phil straightened his back when the scene finally ended and the actors were dismissed for the time being. Dan didn’t come straight over, though – which, _of course he didn’t,_ never mind that he literally dragged Phil out of bed at this ungodly hour and then didn’t even bother to come speak to him – instead waiting for a minute to chat with the blonde actress. She laughed along with him. Phil almost wanted to glare at her.

But then he shoved that thought deep back in the irrational part of his brain, where it belonged.

Dan glanced over and saw Phil, giving a smile and a jaunty little wave. Phil couldn’t help but wave back, already feeling a little warmer. He didn’t need to be so bitter. Dan wasn’t going to just ignore him – he didn’t do that. Despite being so well known, he always had time for Phil. Phil was weirdly proud of that.

Dan headed Phil’s way, but the blonde actress was coming with him. Phil tried his best not to panic. He still didn’t even know her _name_ – but surely he should? PJ had known her. She was probably stupidly famous and he was about to make an idiot of himself in front of Dan again. Phil tried to communicate all this to Dan through wild eye-gestures, but Dan just grinned back at him in a way that wasn’t at all reassuring. And the gap between them was growing ever smaller.

Eventually, Phil just leaned back against the wall and plastered his best, winning smile on his face.

“Phil!” Dan called as soon as he was close enough, and ok, the way his entire face brightened when he said Phil’s name was maybe worth all of this stress.

“What time do you call this, Dan?” Phil grumbled in response. “It’s literally before dawn.”

“Hey, I warned you about my weird schedule.”

“I don’t think you ever did, actually.”

“Really?”

“Nope, you just started texting me at weird times.” Phil pushed away from the wall and grinned at Dan’s slightly disgruntled look. “Not that I’m really complaining if you can’t keep away from me.”

“You are the _worst person,_ ” Dan huffed.

“I’m flattered.”

“See?” Dan shook his head, turning to the actress at his side with a dramatic hand gesture. “He’s the _literal_ worse.”

“Well, then I think you’re perfect for each other,” she answered, her voice bubbling with mirth.

Phil blinked at her.

“I’m Louise,” she explained, holding out a hand for him to shake. “And you must be Phil, unless Dan’s got a secret harem of tall attractive men waiting on him.”

Dan spluttered.

Phil, however, was already smiling, feeling a lot more at ease as he shook her hand. “Well, if he has, then he’s been keeping the rest of them secret from me.”

“I never had him pegged as a cheater.” Louise sent Dan a disparaging look as she released Phil’s hand. “It’s always the quiet ones.”

“Are you kidding me?” Phil snorted. “Dan is anything _but_ quiet.”

“Well, that’s true,” she amended. “I suppose you’re ok, then, he probably isn’t cheating.”

“Standing right here, you know,” Dan said indignantly.

Phil ignored him in favour of smiling back at Louise. She was tall, and her smile was bright and warm, and she always seemed to be glowing. He liked her instantly. “So, I suppose you’re playing Estelle?”

“I am, yes.” Louise beamed. “Do you know the story?”

Phil nodded eagerly. “I’m a huge fan of the book. Read it as a teenager.”

“Me, too,” Louise sighed happily. “It’s a dream job. Even if I have to work with awkward idiots like Howell.”

Phil held back a smirk. “I can see why that would be such a trial for you.”

“ _Literally_ still standing here,” Dan huffed.

Louise laughed, surprisingly loudly for her rather gentle image. She placed a gentle hand on Dan’s arm and leaned into his side, chuckling, “Don’t worry, only teasing, as you well know.”

“You’re both incredibly rude,” Dan said through a scowl.

Phil grouched at him, “Not as rude as getting me out of bed at 5 in the morning.”

“You’re lucky you’ve even been to bed,” Dan shot back, “Some of us have been working all night.”

Phil’s eyes widened a little as he looked between Dan and Louise – who, admittedly, did look a little tired. “You haven’t been home yet?”

Louise shook her head, yawning. “Been filming since 11pm. I’m _exhausted,_ my dears.”

“That’s because you’re old.” Dan patted her shoulder. “But don’t worry, I won’t hold it against you.”

“Watch your back, Howell.” Louise leaned into him, and Phil was surprised to feel a spark of jealousy at the easy way she touched Dan. He buried that feeling quickly. That was a foolish thought – and besides, Phil didn’t really have a jealous bone in his body. Even more than that, he had literally no claim over Dan. And Louise seemed genuinely lovely.

“Right,” Louise yawned again, stepping away from Dan and flapping her hands at them both in a way that could have been a wave. “I have to leave you lovelies, I’m so tired and I have a date with some lovely pasta sitting in my microwave.”

“Sounds delightful,” Dan muttered.

Phil shoved him, muttering, “Be polite.” He ignored Dan’s rather dangerous glare in favour of smiling at Louise, saying, “That sounds delicious. Say hi to it from me.”

Louise sent him a delighted smile. “I will. It was lovely to meet you, Phil. I’ve heard so much about you.”

Was Phil imagining the way Dan stared at the ground, and the rather meaningful look Louise seemed to direct Dan’s way?

“Oh,” Phil answered lamely when he realised he’d left silence for a little too long, “Well, I hope good things.”

“From this one?” Louise jerked a thumb in Dan’s direction, grinning, “Of course only good things.”

Phil smiled weakly. Dan was still staring at the ground.

“I’ll see you tonight, Dan,” Louise finished as she began to head away. “Try to remember to sleep in between spoiling your boyfriend.”

“ _Louise,_ ” Dan hissed, but she was already gone with a final chuckle and a wave.

Phil stood, a little dumbfounded in the wake of that quite strange conversation. He’d never had someone be so familiar with him from knowing him for such a little amount of time. Just what exactly had Dan been saying about him?

And as for being called Dan’s _boyfriend_ – well – that wasn’t what they were at all. Was it? Dan had never said so, and Phil would never in a million years have the courage to bring that up.

“Sorry about her,” Dan apologised quickly, and Phil turned to see him still staring down at the ground. “She’s a bit…” he waved a hand indeterminately, “…Full on.”

“I noticed.”

“I am sorry.” Dan grimaced, daring to flick a glance up to meet Phil’s gaze. “I hope she didn’t make you uncomfortable.”

“No, no, not at all,” Phil was quick to reassure. “I liked her.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. And she likes teasing you, so we have that in common.”

Dan scowled. “You’re both the worst. I never should have introduced you.”

“Probably not,” Phil agreed with a low chuckle. He tilted his head, regarding Dan more closely – he’d wrapped himself up in a big puffy raincoat again, hiding his costume from view, but he was still shivering a little. Plus, he looked absolutely exhausted. Phil pursed his lips. “Are you sure you still want to do something?”

“Hm?” Dan blinked. “Oh! Yeah, definitely. I mean. If you do?”

“I do,” Phil promised, and allowed himself a small smile. “But we’re getting coffee and sitting somewhere warm, you look dead on your feet.”

Dan’s lips twitched. “Just let me get changed, and we’ll go find a café.”

\---

“So it didn’t bother you?”

Phil blinked. He set down his takeaway coffee mug and tilted his head at Dan, confusion crinkling his brow. They’d grabbed drinks and headed back outside – the sun was beginning to peek over the horizon, and Dan had assured Phil that he hadn’t really lived until he’d watched the sun rise over the city from the bank of the river. When they’d found seats by one of the bridges over the Quays, in the quiet of the early morning with the horizon just beginning to taint orange, Phil found himself agreeing. This place was peaceful and beautiful, and he was happy to share this soft, calming moment with Dan.

Except, Dan had gone all quiet, and he was looking steadfastly at the ground beneath their bench rather than meeting Phil’s eyes.

Phil clicked his tongue. “What didn’t bother me?”

“Um. Louise.” For someone usually so articulate, Dan was stuttering over his words a little, which alerted Phil to the fact that this conversation may be a little more important than their usual teasing. Dan didn’t say anything more, though, instead continuing to have a staring contest with the ground. The silence stretched on. Phil shifted, uncomfortable, but Dan still refused to look up, and the crease in his brow was only ever deepening. Phil didn’t like that. He much preferred when Dan was laughing, or poking fun at him, or even wearing that ridiculous, irrepressible smirk.

“Nothing about Louise bothered me,” Phil prompted gently. “She was lovely.”

Dan peeked up at Phil through his fringe, and Phil couldn’t help but smile. Dan was out of costume, in black _again_ – seriously, Phil was beginning to think he had an unhealthy obsession with that colour – and his fringe was dripping into his eyes, tinted warm brown in the early rays of the sun.

“I mean,” Phil continued when Dan still didn’t say anything, “I’m slightly worried about what you’ve been telling her about me, but she seemed really nice.”

“I haven’t been telling her anything bad,” Dan was quick to reassure.

Phil arched a brow.

“Well, ok,” Dan amended, “I may have revealed your terrible choice in films—“

“There is nothing wrong with horror first thing in the morning!”

“—And she knows about your coffee addiction—“

“That’s not a bad thing,” Phil huffed.

“—But despite all that, she still seems to approve of you.” Dan shook his head. “Which makes me question her judgement, honestly.”

Phil glared at him.

Dan smiled sweetly back, then grabbed for his coffee mug with a low snicker. Phil hated him, if only slightly.

“Honestly,” Phil muttered, disgruntled, “I’m surprised you even say _anything._ Didn’t think I featured in your life that much.”

Dan sent him a long, considering look – the kind that made Phil want to wriggle in his seat and grimace. Dan’s eyes had this intense way of staring that made it seem almost as if he was looking right _through_ you, as if there was nowhere to hide. Phil ordinarily didn’t feel like he _had_ to hide, but lately, he’d been feeling … _things_ … about Dan that would be much safer kept buried deep under wraps.

“You’re ridiculous,” Dan finally said, his intense gaze not leaving Phil for a second.

Phil huffed. “Coming from _you,_ I really take that as an insult.”

Dan’s lips twitched. He placed his mug back down and turned sideways, sitting cross-legged to face Phil despite the fact that the bench must be really damp. In the red rays of dawn he was almost breath-taking. Phil had never had that thought about anyone, before.

“ _Of course_ I talk about you,” Dan almost sounded … disappointed? “Louise is probably sick to death of hearing about you, to be honest.”

Phil blinked. That was unexpected to say the least – Dan was an _actor,_ he’d won a _BAFTA_ for crying out loud, surely he mixed with more interesting people than Phil?

“But I am glad you liked Louise,” Dan added thoughtfully, “And I hope she didn’t actually make you uncomfortable, and you’re not just pretending that she didn’t.”

“Why would she have made me uncomfortable?”

Dan clicked his tongue. “Doesn’t matter. If she didn’t.”

“No,” Phil pressed, narrowing his eyes slightly, “I want to know what she did that you think is getting to me.”

Dan met his eyes again, but his expression was guarded. Phil didn’t like that. He’d been getting used to reading Dan’s emotions from the play of his features, understanding the way his open expression moved with his thoughts. But, when he wanted to be, Dan could be as closed as a sheet of clouded ice.

“It’s nothing important,” Dan eventually answered. “She can just take things too far sometimes.”

Phil considered that slowly. “Well, I mean, she seems to,” he acknowledged after a moment, “But that’s nothing more than I’m used to with you.”

“Oi.”

“And she was really friendly.”

“You thought so?”

“Yeah?” Phil was honestly confused by this conversation, his tone matching his inner turmoil. “Unless you think she said something bad?”

Dan peered at him closely. “Don’t _you?_ ”

Phil wracked his brains, trying to remember what on earth Dan might be getting at, but he just came back more lost than ever. “…No?”

“But she called you my boyfriend.” The words dropped from Dan’s lips almost inaudibly, and he instantly went back to staring at the ground the second they were out in the air.

Phil was brought up short.

“I thought you might be uncomfortable with that,” Dan clarified, his words low and running together. Phil had to lean closer to catch them all. “What with – I mean – I _know_ you’re not exactly comfortable and I don’t want you to feel pressured, or pushed, or anything, and I’m not even saying you _would_ feel that because it’s _fine_ …”

“Dan,” Phil interrupted – or tried to.

“No, I can say this, Phil,” Dan shook his head determinedly. “Like I said, it’s _fine_ , I know you’re not after – and, I mean – you’re _not_ my boyfriend, obviously, so…”

Phil tried to ignore the sudden shard of sharp glass that felt like it was ripping down his windpipe.

He _wasn’t_ Dan’s. He had no claim to Dan. Dan wasn’t his to feel sad about. He _wasn’t._

“She was only joking,” Dan was still saying hastily. “I just didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable. And – I mean, obviously Louise doesn’t _know_ that you – that you’re –”

Phil was getting more confused by the second.

“um,” Dan continued after a minute, “Well, she doesn’t know about you. So what I’m basically saying here is, if you aren’t happy with her saying stuff like that, then I can talk to her. She’d stop.”

Phil stared at him uncomprehendingly.

“…And this probably isn’t a conversation you even want to have.” Dan quickly got up to his feet, downing the rest of his coffee. “And obviously you don’t _have_ to – I mean, we never have to talk about it. Not if that’s what you want.”

Phil’s mind was full of utter confusion. He watched Dan clench the coffee mug in his hand until it was completely squashed in on itself.

“I should probably, um, get some sleep.” Dan ran a hand through his hair. “Another night shoot later, you know? And you – you must have your shift at the bookshop. You’re probably late again. Your manager is going to kill me.”

“Lilith’s used to it by now,” Phil answered automatically.

Dan almost smiled. Almost. But then he was turning away again, and something in Phil grasped that this was _wrong._

“Well,” Dan said as he backed away, “I’ll see you around, I guess? And we don’t have to – I mean – we won’t mention this ever again. Ok?”

Phil blinked, still completely lost.

“Ok,” Dan mumbled, spinning around and walking away, muttering to himself.

Phil watched him go, the crease in his brow only ever deepening. He had absolutely no idea what just happened. Confusion was the majority rule in his brain just then, wondering just exactly what the hell Dan was talking about. Was Phil just being incredibly stupid? _Why_ did Dan think he’d be uncomfortable?

What was that conversation – that they were apparently never speaking of again – even _about_?

Phil shook his head. He slowly sipped at the rest of his now-cold coffee until a glance at the time told him that he actually would be late for work, so he yelped and jumped to his feet and raced across Manchester, the whole time muttering about stupid, arrogant actors with their ridiculously awkward mannerisms and inability to say what they meant.

\---

It came to Phil when he was in the middle of charging his seventh customer of the day.

“Oh!” Phil all but shouted, staring down at the title of the book he was scanning. _‘Jane’s Ace Day’._ It was a thin, flimsy book, aimed at the 3-and-under market. The cover showed a young girl running through a field with a black-and-white dog on a red lead by her side. There were lots of yellow sunflowers dotted through the long grass. It looked pretty.

“It’s because I’m _ace_ ,” Phil let out a relieved breath. “ _That’s_ why he was being all weird – thinking I was uncomfortable. Oh, that idiot. Why –“

Phil looked up mid-speech and met the unforgiving gaze of a middle-aged woman glaring at him over her thin glasses.

Phil gulped. “Ah, sorry – I’ll just – um. Would you like a bag for this, madam?”

The woman’s head shook in an icy _no._

Phil finished scanning the book and shoved it back towards her hastily. He buried himself in the till until she was safely out of the front door of the bookshop again, and then stood straight up to smack himself in the forehead. A large part of him wanted to _punch_ Dan Howell.

“Lilith,” Phil called across the almost-empty bookshop, “I’m just gonna head up and stack those new books you wanted doing.”

Lilith waved a hand at him from where she was busily buried in a pile of new orders.

Phil bounded up the stairs, his hand already reaching into his pocket for his phone. The upper floors of the bookshop were usually the quietest, with only a few regular customers heading up here to check their favourite genres or curl up in their favourite spots. The shop was set up to Lilith’s rather eccentric taste – drapes covered most of the ceiling, the windows were hung with filmy net curtains, and desks and sofas for ‘reading corners’ appeared at random intervals. Never mind that the bookshelves themselves were dotted about seemingly at random. For someone as tall and clumsy as Phil, the entire place served as an endless trip hazard.

The third floor was devoid of all customers, so Phil tucked himself into an armchair in a corner. He had his phone out before he was fully settled, already dialling Dan Howell’s number (because, really, what an _idiot_ that guy was. Not that Phil was much better. It was almost lunchtime now, so it had taken Phil hours to work out what Dan was on about that morning).

When Dan answered the phone, it was with a croaky grumble. “ _Phil,_ what the _hell,_ it’s _sleep time_ now.”

“You were talking about me being ace.” Phil didn’t bother with niceties – he just jumped straight into the point.

There was a fumbled _crash_ from the other end of the line, followed by a stream of extremities. Phil rolled his eyes, slumping further into the armchair as he waited for Dan to wake up enough to actually hold this conversation.

“What?” Dan’s voice finally rasped down the line again.

“This morning. When you were on about Louise making me uncomfortable.” Phil shifted, stretching his legs out. “You thought I’d be upset with her because I’m ace, right?”

Dan spluttered. “I mean – I didn’t – I wasn’t saying it’s a _bad_ thing, I was just – and you –“

“Dan, stop.”

“I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable!”

“Why did you think I would be?” Phil challenged.

That seemed to bring Dan up short, if his continued stuttering was anything to go by. “Because I – well – I mean, you _heard_ her!”

“I think she was poking fun at you more than me.”

“She always is,” Dan grumbled, “But I just – I thought – wait.”

Phil chuckled slightly. He couldn’t help it – hearing Dan Howell get so flustered and inarticulate, when usually he prided himself on his ability to say lines with sweet, perfect precision, was just far too entertaining.

“So wait a minute,” Dan finally managed to form a sentence again, “Are you saying you _weren’t_ offended?”

Phil chuckled again. “Of course not. Though it’s nice of you to check.”

“Really?”

“Completely,” Phil promised. “Why would I even be offended?”

“Well –” Dan paused again, his next words tumbling out in a rush. “With her suggesting – I mean – she was obviously only joking, but she mentioned – and, well, you aren’t looking for relationships, right? I didn’t want you to get offended because she just assumed.”

Phil sat for a minute, processing this information.

“I mean,” Dan rushed to add, “I’d get annoyed if she just assumed I was only into girls – I do get annoyed when people do that – and I didn’t want her to do the same thing to you? If you see what I mean?”

“I do,” Phil replied slowly, “But … why would you think I’m not looking for relationships?”

A surprised silence sounded from Dan’s side of the line. “…You mean you are?”

“Um.” Phil stopped again, a sudden rush of heat flooding through him. He took in a calming breath, all kinds of relieved that Dan couldn’t see his face for this conversation. “I mean – I’m not _against_ it.”

“Oh.”

“Where did you get that idea from?”

“I just –” Dan sounded flustered all over again, and it was far too adorable for Phil to take. “I thought – I mean, evidently I was wrong.”

“What did you think?” Phil narrowed his eyes, doing his level best to understand Dan’s train of thought. “I’m ace, so I can’t like people?”

“I mean, kind of?” Dan’s voice squeaked. “Sorry, I – that was clearly wrong, and – shit, I’ve just assumed a bunch more wrong stuff about you, haven’t I?”

“It’s ok,” Phil hastened to reassure him. His brain was struggling to compute all this. “To be honest, I’ve never really thought about it.”

“Oh.” Dan sounded a little relieved, which warmed Phil’s heart a little. A yawn sounded down the line. “I just – I was worried Louise was taking things too far, and I wanted to make sure you were ok.”

Phil smiled, feeling warm. “That’s really sweet of you.”

“Shut up.” Dan was sounding all flustered again – he needed to stop that, it was bad for Phil’s heart. “So – so are you saying that, like – _relationship_ stuff is ok for you?”

“Is this your way of asking if I’ve been through puberty?” Phil teased.

Dan spluttered again, so Phil didn’t leave him hanging long, instead chuckling gently. “Don’t worry, Dan. To be honest, I’ve never really thought about relationships, but I’m not _against_ them.”

“Oh.”

“I mean, I’d probably be fine without one,” Phil mused, “But it’s not like I’ll be offended if people joke about it. Or your friends make assumptions. Especially if they’re as nice as Louise.”

“Ok.”

“And to be honest, if I was going to get offended by that stuff, then your fan base and I would have needed to have a long talk by now,” Phil added wryly.

Dan gave a short, sharp laugh. “True. They’ve certainly been presumptuous about us, haven’t they?”

Phil had to bite back the next words that wanted to drop from his lips – that being in a relationship with Dan really wouldn’t be a bad thing at all.

“I just thought,” Dan added after a moment or two of silence, “That maybe you – um – no, you know what, never mind.”

“Dan?”

“It isn’t my place to say.”

“I won’t be offended,” Phil promised, and hoped that was true.

A low sigh sounded from Dan’s end. “I just – I suppose I’d assumed that all this kind of thing was off-limits for you.”

Phil chewed his lip, considering. “I mean, maybe it is? Some of it definitely is.”

“Just not all of it?”

“I don’t think – no,” Phil studied the arm of the sofa he was sitting in, “I don’t think all of it is off-limits.”

There was a slight rustling from the other end of the line. Dan’s breathing was calming, and Phil was once again eternally grateful that Dan couldn’t see his face – he felt like a complete and total mess.

“I’m far too sleepy to be having this conversation,” Dan finally huffed out a laugh.

Phil chewed his lip. “Sorry, yeah, I probably shouldn’t have called you.”

“No, I’m glad you cleared that up.” Dan stifled another yawn. “And I want to talk about this more – I mean – would you be ok with that?”

“Definitely,” Phil was quick to say. Any sort of communication he could have with Dan would be better – even though that sort of conversation was bound to make him hiding his feelings even more difficult.

Feelings? What feelings? Phil didn’t have any feelings. And certainly not for _Dan Howell._

But Dan’s sleepy voice was sounding softly down the line, like a gentle caress in Phil’s ear. “Ok. Good. I’ll text you tomorrow when my filming for the night is done.”

“Not at 5am again,” Phil groaned.

Dan simply chuckled, whispering another goodbye before hanging up.

Phil stared at his phone for a while, his mind a turmoil of messy, confused thoughts. He’d thought that speaking to Dan might help clarify his situation – and in some ways, it had. But in other ways, he felt even more confused than ever.

Dan had just assumed Phil wouldn’t want a relationship – did that mean he’d thought about it?

And, slightly more importantly – was he _right?_

Phil’s first instinct was to say _no._ He had always imagined himself finding a partner one day, far off in the future, when he was ready to settle down. He’d never thought of a specific person before, but it was an image he’d entertained, and something he’d longed for. And, lately, Dan Howell had been creeping into those daydreams. An image of Dan’s husky voice, heavy with tiredness, accompanying Phil’s mornings. The thought of Dan’s long limbs wrapping him in a hug, perhaps pressing a kiss to his cheek. But Phil shouldn’t be thinking like that. Dan wasn’t his. That had been made more than clear.

Was Dan uncomfortable with the thought of them together? Maybe that was why he’d kicked up such a fuss over Louise. Although he didn’t seem to have a problem with their Twitter following assuming the same – unless he’d just been pretending to be ok with it all. What if Dan didn’t actually want anything to do with Phil at all? Phil’s stomach twisted at the mere thought.

But, no. That didn’t sit right at all. Why would Phil be the first person Dan called when he wanted to hang out? Why would they be hanging out at _all_? After all, Phil had been nothing but rude to Dan when they first met. Dan wouldn’t still want to talk to him if he didn’t like Phil, would he?

Unless it was all for appearance?

No. Phil shook the thought out of his head, getting slowly to his feet. These were childish, foolish suspicions, and they’d do nothing but harm. He should know better. Dan was funny, and proving to be a very good friend. They had fun together. That was all Phil should focus on. He didn’t need to think about anything else.

So Phil dragged his thoughts back to the bookshop, heading down to the ground floor to help Lilith mind the till.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise this whole fic isn’t just going to be discussions of sexuality stuff, but there is more in this chapter. But, things get ironed out a bit more, so hopefully that’s ok? Also I just want to apologise for the inevitable frustration you will all feel over the next few chapters. I promise that in the end Dan and Phil of this fic sort themselves out and get together. Forgive me xD
> 
> Also, so sorry I haven't got around to replying to messages yet, but thank you for every single one! I read them all as soon as they come in and it makes me so, so happy to see people enjoying my writing. Honestly, it's overwhelming in the best possible way. So thank you to each and every one of you, from the bottom of my heart ^_^

When Phil got home from his shift that night, he collapsed back into bed almost straight away. The early start with Dan was starting to catch up on him, and it wasn’t the first time, either – Dan’s schedule was weird, with him being called to the film set at the weirdest of times to take the ‘best advantage of the light’, whatever that meant. Phil knew a little about it from his editing experience, but he’d much rather put it all in digitally. But, even big film sets didn’t have endless budgets, or so it seemed, which meant that Dan got dragged onto set at any and all weird times of the night.

And he’d made it a habit to force Phil to join him.

Phil had grown accustomed to waking up to a text at some ungodly hour of the morning, from Dan asking him to come wander the city with him. Phil couldn’t even bring himself to be that disgruntled, despite his endless ability to complain. Plus, he was able to hang out with PJ a bit more often, as his friend was still making frequent trips to the film set, even when they were doing constant night shifts. Apparently, the directing company PJ worked for was allowing him time for the experience, which had made PJ deliriously happy.

Phil sighed, scrubbing at his eyes. He was proud of his friend, and glad of his success, but Phil couldn’t help but feel a little – flat. His life wasn’t really going anywhere. Sure, his PhD was going well (he was finally getting into his thesis, and actually enjoying writing it, which was always a good sign) but Phil still had little to no idea of what his future would hold. He loved editing videos – it was his passion – but he couldn’t exactly get hired just for doing that. Nobody in their right minds would want to hire a ridiculous awkward giant of a man. At least, not anyone in Dan’s world – the world of stars and fame.

Phil didn’t even _want_ to be part of that world. He’d never liked the limelight. But – well – he _did_ like Dan.

Yes, he did. No matter how much Phil tried to force the emotion away, he couldn’t deny it forever. He _did_ like Dan, and in a much more complex way than he’d ever liked anyone before. It didn’t even make any _sense._ Dan lived in an entirely different world to him. He was brash and confident to a fault and brazen and annoying and irritating. He got under Phil’s skin far too easily. Phil’s relationship with Dan was nothing like the easy friendship he had with PJ, where they’d clicked quickly and bonded over anime and film geekery. PJ was all soft edges and warm smiles and bright greetings. He was familiarity and happiness and warm days spent studying together. PJ was the kind of friendship Phil wanted, and the only kind of thing he’d ever needed to fulfil his life.

Or, so Phil had thought. But then Dan Howell showed up, with his soft smiles and intense stares and nervous awkwardness that gave even Phil a run for his money, and things were just _easy._ Dan made Phil laugh. Dan made Phil want to poke at his cheek until he smiled. Dan made Phil want to wrap him up in cotton wool to protect him from the eyes that seemed so insistently trained on him. Dan was, in short, dangerous. And _new._

Phil sighed, scrubbing at his eyes with the backs of his knuckles. He got a headache whenever he tried to analyse his feelings towards Dan. More often than not, he just ended up more clueless than ever.

Maybe google could be his friend. Whenever Phil was having a problem, the internet tended to provide answers – if nothing else, it would provide a bit of a distraction from Phil’s mess of confused emotions. Despite his exhaustion, both physical and mental, Phil knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep with this all still piling on his brain.

So, Phil leaned over his bed to grab his laptop, opening it up as he settled back down against the pillows. He already had some blogs in his history from when he was first discovering asexuality, but to be honest, Phil had always been a little scared to delve into them properly. He almost didn’t want to confirm exactly what he was – he feared too much that there was something _wrong_ with him.

He knew, logically, that there wasn’t. But, still. It was scary to contemplate too much about himself. Phil was much happier to live in denial.

Only, denial didn’t help very much when he had a Dan forcibly inserting himself into his life, did it?

Phil shook his head, breathing out a sigh. He gathered his blankets up around his head, forming a safe little fort for him to reside in, illuminated only by the softly-glowing screen of his laptop. It was warm in his little den. Phil felt himself relax, and with another careful breath, he gathered the scattered vestiges of his courage and opened up the first asexuality blog.

Delving through all the stories did, to be honest, scare Phil a little. So many people were worrying that there was something wrong with them, and describing situations eerily similar to Phil – feelings of confusion, of uncertainty, of assuming they were broken or damaged or somehow unlovable. To be honest, it was making Phil feel _worse._ He only lasted a few moments before clicking out of the browser, his face a little hot, feeling entirely miserable.

Perhaps it was time for a different approach.

After a minute to calm himself down, Phil pulled up a new tab and typed in _asexuality test._ After all, he still wasn’t sure exactly _what_ he was – there was no harm in doing some more research, was there? It was only an internet test. He didn’t expect it to have all the answers – he probably wouldn’t even agree with it – but it couldn’t hurt to find out someone else’s opinion on the matter.

Not too many results showed up, but one of the early ones looked a little promising. Phil clicked on it, trying to ignore the way his heart was hammering away in his throat.

The questions started off nice and gentle, although the rather abrupt mentions of sex had Phil squirming. But, he could answer easily enough – ‘ _You don’t think about sex at all’, ‘You can go without sex for huge amounts of time and it makes no difference to you’, ‘You think about sex in a very scientific and clinical way without experiencing erotic feelings’_ – those were all easy ‘strongly agree’s for Phil. To be honest, he’d never really thought other people would react differently. Sex was for making babies, right? Or, apparently, for pleasure for some people, though honestly Phil had never seen the point himself.

Question number five was ‘ _You don’t really know whether you’re straight, gay, lesbian or bisexual.’_ That one made Phil think instantly of Dan. He recalled how easily Dan had said that he was bi, and the calm confidence he exuded when he said the label had made him feel relieved. Phil had _never_ experienced that with a label before.

He recalled the way he’d panicked when Dan assumed he was gay, and then asked if he was bi or straight instead. Phil hadn’t known what to say. He’d felt completely lost. Because – to be honest – _none_ of those labels matched him.

His mouth a little dry, Phil clicked _‘strongly agree’,_ and the test carried on.

Some of the questions had Phil feeling a little hot, and he clicked past them as quickly as he could, resolving to clear his internet history as soon as he was done. He was just starting to think this whole thing was a bad idea when a question popped up that had him frozen in place.

_‘You find sex scenes in movies or books to be unnecessary or boring.’_

Well. That was the easiest ‘ _strongly agree’_ yet. Phil usually looked away or fast-forwarded those bits in films he was watching, grumbling to PJ about how stupid and unnecessary they were. PJ had always poked gentle fun at him for that, not that Phil ever really understood why. He’d thought his reaction was perfectly natural.

But apparently, not everyone thought that way.

Phil did, though. He always had. Even the film he’d seen most recently with Dan in it – that romcom PJ had dragged him to, where Dan turned out to be in the audience – even that one had an unnecessary shower scene. Phil had squirmed uncomfortably and looked away. Dan had a nice face, sure, but Phil didn’t want to see any _more_ than that. And he didn’t understand why anyone would, either. He was much more interested in talking to Dan, and exploring the way his stomach flipped every time Dan smiled at him.

Phil shook his head, called himself an idiot, and continued with the test.

The rest of the questions were fairly easy to answer, with the last one being _‘You can appreciate the physical beauty of people without feeling any arousal’._ Phil hesitated before clicking ‘ _strongly agree’_ again. Honestly, the questions on here had just been common sense to him – things he thought _everyone_ felt.

There was nothing to do now but wait for the result to load.

When it did, Phil drew in a sharp breath.

_Asexual._

He’d known before – of course he had – he’d even said the label out loud, to Dan. But there was something about seeing it in black and white – knowing it was from results that he’d given – that scared the life out of Phil. There was no escaping it. A completely unbiased third-party opinion had agreed that Phil was asexual.

He had to stop to process that for a long time before he dared to go on to read the description.

And, almost immediately, a line jumped out and hit him in the face.

‘ _If we can conceive that sex without love_ _can_ _exist, is it really that hard to accept that love_ _without_ _sex could also be possible?_ ’

Phil’s jaw actually hung open. He had to read the sentence several times to allow its meaning to sink in, and when he did, he felt an impossible amount of relief flood through his veins.

_Love without sex could also be possible._

He wasn’t broken. He wasn’t emotionally deficient. He wasn’t completely incapable of being human just because he couldn’t quite feel attraction in the ‘right’ way.

Phil was breathing rather heavily as he continued to read through the description.

‘ _Asexuals embody a wide spectrum of people: they range from flat-out Asexuals who enjoy the companionship and romanticism of being in a relationship (and will even have sex to produce a child or please their partner, but not for their own pleasure), as well as those who are completely Aromantic, where the thought of intimate physical contact with another person makes them feel ill’_.

Phil narrowed his eyes, thinking that over. He’d seen the word _aromantic_ around a few times, but he’d never researched into it properly – he was already having enough difficulty getting his head around the possibility of asexuality. But reading the description was making him think. Was there a difference, then, between not wanting sex and not wanting romance?

Could that explain why Phil was feeling so conflicted about Dan, without actually being _attracted_ to him?

Enough for one night. Phil’s brain was feeling completely frazzled, and a quick glance at the time told him it was far too late to still be awake, especially when Dan was likely to drag him out of bed at some ungodly hour of the morning again. No, for now, Phil had done enough research.

And for once, he wasn’t feeling completely confused.

Finally, _finally,_ he’d read a description that calmed him down and made him feel comfortable. He wasn’t broken. There was nothing wrong with him. And there might well be an explanation for his confused mess of emotions.

Phil went to sleep and, for once, didn’t dream at all, instead floating through peaceful, dark silence that left him more refreshed than he’d felt in ages.

\---

“Have you seen the _scale_ of this thing?” PJ whispered excitedly into Phil’s ear from the sideline of the set a few days later.

Phil sipped at his coffee and made an interested noise. He was _exhausted_ – long shifts at the bookshop, coupled with an increase in his need to actually write his PhD thesis, had left Phil without very much free time. This morning marked his first trip back to the film set in a few days, and also the first time he’d been able to have a proper chat with PJ.

PJ, on the other hand, had still been religiously coming to the set every day. And, as he wasn’t tied down by Dan Howell’s ridiculous schedule (which Phil seemed to have accidentally adopted), he’d been coming at actual human-people times, as opposed to the lengthy night shoots that Dan had been subjected to.

“The budget’s just been upped,” PJ chattered quietly from their spot on the outer corner of the set. “Alexis – that’s the director – she apparently had a meeting with some of the big businessmen the other week, and they’ve agreed to expand.”

“Really?” Phil was actually mildly interested, despite his monotonous, sleepy voice.

“Yeah, the local interest has sparked more – Phil, are you even listening to me?”

“Yes!” Phil stood up straighter.

PJ huffed. “Do you think you could actually manage to drag your eyes away from the actors for five seconds, then?”

Ruefully, Phil grimaced. He’d been caught. But, in his defence, the scene currently being shot was one of his very favourites from the book – when Estelle first tells her trusty knight Dean about the curse she is forced to carry. It was emotional and a major turning point in the plot, and from the looks of it, Louise and Dan were doing it great justice.

Indeed, at that exact moment, Dan was crouching over Louise in the rainy Manchester street with his green cloak flung back over his shoulders. His eyes were wide and sincere and he gripped Louise’s hand between both of his – basically, he was the perfect picture of support.

Phil wasn’t the slightest bit jealous.

He turned to PJ with a slightly guilty grin. “Sorry. I was listening – and I am interested, actually. Does the bigger budget mean they can film for longer?”

“I don’t think the schedule’s changing,” PJ shook his head, but he was bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Something else might change, though.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, well, I was talking to Xander—” PJ drew in a breath, going quiet for a moment as the director called _cut_ on that scene. In the flurry of movement that followed, he took a step closer to Phil and allowed his voice to lift. “—And he said they might be looking to hire some more people.”

Phil perked up instantly. “And?”

“And,” PJ swallowed, his tone laced with excitement, “Xander said he’s putting in a good word for me.”

“PJ!” Phil squealed.

“I know, I know.” PJ went back to bouncing.

“That’s incredible!”

“Not as anything important, mind,” PJ was quick to emphasise. “I’d most likely be bringing coffee around and doing maybe some of the very minor filming—”

“That’s still the most amazing news!” Phil pulled PJ into his arms, spinning him around with a quick, breathless laugh. “I’m so, so happy for you!”

“Thanks!” PJ was laughing right along with him. “It’s all down to you, as well – if you’d never got me onto the set—”

“I may have got you here, but you did everything else,” Phil promised, still clinging onto PJ tightly. “It’s all your work – I’m so proud of you!”

“Thanks, mate, I will never be able to repay you.”

“If anything, you should be repaying Dan,” Phil disagreed as he stepped back a little, clasping PJ’s shoulders and sending him a fond look. “If he hadn’t started fighting me, then neither of us would be here.”

PJ laughed a little breathlessly. With his hair flung back and his eyes bright, he was the picture of eager, still bouncing on the balls of his feet. “I’m gonna have to buy you both a month’s worth of coffee, or something. This is my _dream_.”

“You deserve it,” Phil assured him. “You’ve worked so hard over all these years.”

PJ beamed.

At that exact moment, a cough from behind Phil had him spinning around. Dan was standing there, Louise at his side, both of them trussed up in giant puffy coats to protect their costumes.

Phil’s face brightened instantly.

“Are we interrupting something?” Louise asked primly.

“Huh?” Phil glanced between himself and PJ, and stepped back quickly with a shake of his head. “Oh, no, not at all – my friend PJ was just telling me some good news.”

“It isn’t confirmed yet,” PJ rushed to add. He was staring at Louise as if he was a little star-struck.

“Have you met each other before?” Phil asked, and PJ shook his head quickly. “Oh, well – Louise, this is my friend, PJ. We were at uni together.”

“Ah, I see!” Louise shook PJ’s hand, her smile practically glittering. “What’s this good news that I have so rudely interrupted, then?”

PJ shook his head, his mouth hanging open just a little. Phil watched with amusement as he tripped over his words. “Well, I – like I said, nothing is confirmed yet, but I might be able to do a bit of filming. For this … film. For you, I mean.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful!” Louise cheered, immediately moving closer to question PJ about it. Phil drew back a little. He was smiling, full of pride for his friend who he knew had worked so hard for so many years, and might finally actually be getting somewhere.

“It’s great news, isn’t it?” Phil murmured to Dan, who was being conspicuously quiet by his side.

Dan made a small noise, but made no effort to move closer.

Frowning a little, Phil turned. Dan was standing just a little way away, his phone in his hand, staring down at the screen with entirely smooth features. He hadn’t looked up once the whole time Louise and PJ were being introduced, and honestly, Phil was a little miffed. Dan knew them both as well – he could have helped them get along.

“Hey,” Phil nudged Dan’s side with his shoulder briefly, “Are you awake?”

“Hm?” Dan moved away a little, and Phil felt his stomach twist. Dan was avoiding his gaze as he answered, “Oh, yeah. Obviously.”

“What’s up with you?”

“Nothing is _up with me,_ Phil,” Dan griped.

Phil arched a brow. “Oh really? Why do you look like a bear who’s just had his honey stolen, then?”

Dan’s mouth opened in consternation, but then he snapped it shut again with a glare. “What’s it to you?”

Phil blinked. “…Did I miss the memo where we stopped being friends?”

Dan continued to glare at him, but after continued confusion from Phil, Dan’s expression softened a little. He sighed, sliding his phone back into his pocket and glancing down at his feet. “Sorry. Just – been a long week.”

“I know the feeling,” Phil agreed wryly. He leaned into Dan’s side, enjoying the warmth in the cold, drizzly morning. “Have you been doing more night shoots?”

“Every night,” Dan nodded through a yawn. “Last night was the first one off, but then we had to start at 6 this morning, so it didn’t help much.”

Phil grimaced. “I would die if I had to live on your schedule.”

“Honestly, I think I’m actually dying now.”

“Please don’t,” Phil answered immediately.

Dan half-smiled at him. The expression tugged at something in Phil’s chest, so he continued quickly before he could analyse that too much. “Mind you, with the hours I’ve been working at the bookshop, I can kind of sympathise.”

“At least your bed remembers what you look like.” Dan spoke through another yawn, stretching up in the air so his back audibly clicked. “I’ve been napping in the back of Xander’s van whenever I’ve got a spare minute.”

Phil’s eyes widened in horror. “Don’t you have, like, a trailer?”

“I share with Harry, and he makes a lot of noise,” Dan shrugged.

“Well, no. No, we can’t have that at all.”

“There’s not much I can do about it.” Dan sounded amused.

Phil shook his head, determined. “Come nap at the bookshop, at least. We have sofas and quiet corners.”

Dan sent him an appraising glance. “You’d be ok with that?”

“Of course?”

Dan continued to survey him closely, with that stupidly intense gaze that made Phil want to squirm. He still wasn’t used to having someone know him as well as Dan was growing to, and it made him feel a little raw-edged and vulnerable. Dan’s physical _presence_ didn’t help, either. He practically dripped charisma, and with his tall, lanky frame, Phil was actually forced to look _up_ at him. That was a rarity in itself.

A noise from the set behind them had Dan turning, and his nose wrinkled slightly. The director was calling everyone back, Xander was already in place behind his camera, and Louise was half-way to the set when she was bombarded by costume people.

Dan heaved an audible sigh.

Phil shot him a sympathetic look. “If it’s any consolation, the film’s looking really good.”

“Really?” Dan’s tone was more than at a little disbelieving. “And _you’re_ saying that? Mr. No-film-can-ever-do-my-book-child-justice?”

“Alright, alright—”

“I’m in _shock_.”

“Enough, Dan,” Phil snorted, laying a sympathetic hand on Dan’s shoulder. “I’ve admitted it before, and I’ll say it again – I’m sure the film will do the book perfect justice with you on board.”

Dan positively glowed. He stared down at his feet, shuffling them a little, and Phil was once again struck by just how different this Dan was to the arrogant, snarky actor he’d first come across in this street. This Dan was the kind of person who brought him cookies and sent him stupid pictures of animals because he thought they’d make Phil smile. This Dan was the kind of person who might just have stolen Phil’s heart.

Phil shook the thought away with a small smile and gave a gentle push to Dan’s shoulder. “Go on. Before someone yells at me for keeping you.”

“Will you come by again later?” Dan asked suddenly.

“Of course,” Phil nodded, “As soon as my shift is over.”

Dan flashed Phil a sudden, dazzling smile, and then he was gone.

Phil watched him move towards the mob of costume people, his heart doing a strange little jig inside his chest. His gaze remained fixed on Dan even when Dan was surrounded by people, unerringly able to spot him in the crowd. There was a strange, echoing ache at that thought. Phil would _love_ to have some sort of claim – to be able to say _yes, that person, that one’s mine._ But he couldn’t. Dan wasn’t a possession, and he _certainly_ wasn’t someone who would want to be tethered to someone like Phil.

But Phil could still dream, couldn’t he? No matter how badly it all might end.

“Mate, you’ve got literal heart eyes.” PJ’s voice brought Phil back to himself with a sudden jolt.

“I do not,” Phil muttered stubbornly. To prove his point, he physically wrenched his gaze away and looked back at PJ, trying to ignore the way his entire body was on edge to see what Dan was doing.

PJ shook his head. “You’ve got it _bad,_ haven’t you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Phil.” PJ’s tone was oddly gentle, which only set off loud alarm bells in Phil’s head. “I’ve known you a good – what is it, eight, nine years now?”

Phil nodded morosely.

“And I have _never_ seen you like this.” PJ glanced over towards Dan, and then back to Phil. “Honestly, whatever Howell’s got, it seems to be some kind of magic Phil-potion, because you, my friend, are _pining._ ”

“Keep your voice down,” Phil hissed. He withdrew further into the shadows, casting a desperate look to make sure no one was looking their way – thankfully, the filming was starting up again. Dan was already back on set, Louise standing resplendent by his side.

PJ chuckled quietly, mouthing into his ear, “See? Can’t keep your eyes off him.”

Phil tugged his gaze back to glower at PJ, but PJ just snickered back. Phil folded his arms and jutted his jaw out. “I am _not_ that bad.”

“Oh really? Just what were you and him chatting so cosily back a few minutes ago, then? And I bet your phone is full of photos of him.”

Phil spluttered, but he couldn’t exactly _deny_ it.

“I’ve seen your Twitter war,” PJ added dangerously, “And have you _seen_ your ship tag? Last I checked, the numbers were in the hundreds of thousands.”

“They’re just people on the internet,” said Phil, weakly.

“So are we, Phil.” PJ clapped his shoulder. “Sorry, mate, but you need to start facing reality. You have got it _bad_.”

Phil swallowed. He really didn’t want to start considering the implications of that – the suddenly very real possibly that PJ might be _right._

But Phil couldn’t have feelings like that. And certainly not for _Dan Howell._

“I know you’re scared,” PJ added lowly upon seeing Phil’s (admittedly terrified) expression, “But it’s ok. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

“Isn’t there?”

“Why would there be?”

“I’ve known him five minutes,” Phil desperately explained, “And he’s – you know – _him._ ”

PJ shrugged. “He seems to be ok with it.”

“Yeah, but then there’s the whole…” Phil trailed off, his face screwing up. “…The fact that I don’t even _like_ – you know – stuff. Relationship stuff.”

“I know,” PJ reassured, “But that doesn’t mean you have to hate _all_ relationship stuff. There’s romantic things too, you know? Not everything is about doing-the-do.”

Phil spluttered.

“Look into it,” PJ advised. “I’ll help – I could come over? Because you can’t keep looking like you’re going to freak out every time Dan so much as looks as you, honestly, it’s getting embarrassing.”

“I am _not_ that bad!” Phil squeaked.

PJ shot him a disbelieving look.

“I’m _not,_ ” Phil insisted, even though he was beginning to disbelieve it himself.

Despite his turmoil, Phil agreed to having PJ over to ‘sort this all out’, whatever that meant. He tried not to think too much about what the results of such a conversation could be – he had enough things to keep him awake at night, like Cthulu coming to eat his face, or Slenderman descending upon him like a spider from the ceiling.

Phil said his goodbyes and made his way to the bookshop – almost late once again – and did his best to put Dan Howell out of his mind.

\---

Putting Dan Howell out of his mind was easier said than done.

When Phil finally collapsed back into his room, after a brief stop-off at the film set, he was thoroughly exhausted. It had been fun to call in after work to see Dan and PJ and Louise again, and he’d even been able to watch some of Dan’s scene where he fought off the first Dwarf attack of the story. Watching the explosions that the special effects department were using to signify magic had been more than a little entertaining, and Xander had talked him through the post-production elements of the scene, too. Needless to say, Phil had allowed his nerdier side to reign.

But, as fun as it was, the extra hours outside had added to his exhaustion, on top of his usual tiredness from his shift at the bookshop. Phil set about heating up some pizza for dinner, grabbed a copy of his favourite Stephen King book (it was so well-read that the back cover was hanging off and the spine was almost completely broken, but hey, it was _loved_ ), and brought his plate with him into bed. He was just settling down under the covers when he happened to look across at his desk, and his PhD thesis looked accusingly back at him.

Phil groaned.

He had a deadline coming up soon – in fact, he was fairly sure there was an email from his supervisor sitting in his inbox that he hadn’t responded to yet. He debated just ignoring it all until tomorrow, but with another early start to walk to the bookshop with enough time to call into the film set first, he knew that realistically he wouldn’t have enough time.

So, Phil dragged himself out of bed and forced himself over to his desk. Just for an hour. He could do an hour of work on his thesis, and then he’d be able to crawl back into bed and fall into oblivion.

Of course, all this could be avoided if he didn’t have to spend so much time at the film set. But Phil wasn’t entirely sure he could keep away. He’d already gone a few days this week without calling in, and he missed it like a hollow in his chest.

(He tried not to think too much about exactly _who_ it was he might be missing).

He managed to make small amounts of headway with his thesis over the next hour, but as soon as the hour was up and he’d got to the end of his sentence, he snapped shut the five different books he’d been using and retreated straight back under his blanket. His conscience was at least clear – he could successfully ignore the accusatory blank pages of his research until tomorrow, because at least he’d _tried._

After that, though, Phil kind of didn’t want to stare at any more words in a book, so he put Stephen King safely away for another time and instead retrieved his laptop. As had become a slightly dangerous habit, the first thing he did was check Dan’s Twitter page.

And lo and behold, there was a new photo of Phil.

_@danisnotonfire_ : @amazingphil called in again and he seemed to be enjoying his coffee.

The photo was a rather unflattering angle of Phil with his head tipped all the way back, downing the last dregs of his drink. The camera could see right up his nostrils. Phil winced, resolving to take an extra-vengeful one of Dan for tomorrow’s post.

As per usual, he scrolled down through a few of the replies, unable to hold back a smile. Dan’s fans were just as enthusiastic as ever, although Phil was surprised to find he was gaining some supporters among the endless stream of responses.

_@phantasticphotos:_ @danisnotonfire surely you could get a better angle of @amazingphil I’m sure he’d make it worth your while ;)

_@howellester:_ @danisnotonfire did he bring you coffee too?

Dan had actually replied to that last one, and the response brought a wide, pleased smile to Phil’s face.

_@danisnotonfire:_ @howellester not today but he usually does. He has extremely good taste and knows just what I like maybe I should repay him with a nicer photo tomorrow

Phil scrolled through responses, feeling more content with the whole situation than he had since it began. Dan’s followers were harmless. Aside from the handful of times someone had come into Phil’s bookshop and recognised him, Phil’s daily life hadn’t changed much at all. He was still buried in a cloud of anonymity, just the way he liked it. Dan might have hopped right into Phil’s life and turned everything upside down, but at least he didn’t have to deal with any of the more frightening stories that came with being associated with a celebrity.

Or maybe he’d spoken too soon.

One of the replies to Dan’s Tweet jumped out at Phil, and not in a good way, either. He stared at it with trepidation beginning to curl through his gut.

_@phanlover95:_ @danisnotonfire have you and @amazingphil seen this???

Linked was an article to the ‘ _Manchester Star’,_ the same paper that Phil still got delivered every morning (against his will). He hadn’t bothered reading the last few issues, preferring to toss them straight in the recycling as he collected his milk. He’d completely missed this article.

With a sense of impeding dread, Phil clicked on the link.

_HAS HOWELL FOUND FRIENDS HERE AT HOME?_

_It will come as no surprise to our readers that every reporter this side of the Pennines has had their eye on the film set for the notorious_ ‘Last Man Standing’ _. Security around the set is surprisingly lax, with passers-by able to hover near the closed roads and even interact with some of the stars (if you haven’t made it there yet, we strongly suggest you give it a try, to be part of the action if nothing else). And yet, any news of the goings-on of cast and crew on set has been kept safely under wraps._

_Speculation of an increased budget came through the rumour mill last week, and while this has yet to be verified, it would certainly account for the increase in movement on the film set over the past week._

_More importantly, though, the stars themselves seem to be integrating with the community up here in Manchester, and we think they like what they see!_

_Dan Howell in particular has been seen out-and-about the streets of Manchester, which will come as no surprise to his large following. Photos of him in the area have garnered a lot of online attention, as have those of his apparent choice in friend – an unknown male of around the same age._

There followed a picture of Dan and Phil together, taken from Dan’s Twitter. It was the selfie of them together in the coffee shop, and captioned: ‘ _Howell and companion: does a new friendship rise?’_

Underneath, the article continued:

_While the identity of Howell’s companion remains unknown, it’s apparent from their increased online following that they’ve been seen together numerous times. Their exact relationship remains unclear, but whatever the outcome may be, perhaps this will be a reason for Howell to stick around in the North once filming is over. We here at the Star certainly wouldn’t be complaining!_

Phil felt sick to his stomach.

He closed out of the tab as fast as he could and shoved his laptop away, ignoring the loud _crash_ that resounded when it met the floor. His fingers were trembling. Phil curled up on his bed and tugged the blanket until it was up over his head and he was wrapped up safely in a warm cocoon of darkness, his breath steaming up his glasses. But still the words of the article echoed through his skull.

He should have realised this would happen, eventually. In all the rushed events of the past couple of months, Twitter and the film set had begun to feel like they belonged to a different reality to Phil’s usual, mundane life. They were a beautiful escape, as was his time with Dan. But they couldn’t cross over to his real life.

Seeing a photo of him and Dan laid out so obviously in an article was – was – it felt like a _violation._

Phil’s _mum_ read the _‘Manchester Star’,_ for crying out loud. She must have seen the article, or if she hadn’t yet, then she would in the morning. How on earth was he supposed to explain to her that his face was going to be under one of the main headlines, accompanied by a major film star?

Phil shuddered at even _trying_ to explain the past couple of months to her. And that felt just plain weird. Phil had always been close to his mum, he liked to call her every week for an update on her life, as well as filling her in on what he’d been up to. Lately, he’d found himself restricted to talking about the bookshop, or his PhD, and never mentioning Dan. He just wasn’t sure how to bring it up, not when he was still so unsure of what they were himself. It felt too precarious to bring anyone else into right now.

Except, the rest of the world didn’t seem to feel the same way.

Phil shuddered. Try as he might, he couldn’t get the article out of his head for the rest of the night, and his sleep was fitful at best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The test mentioned in this chapter is here: http://lonerwolf.com/asexuality-test/ (Side-note: I scored 96% asexual. *laughs*). Usual disclaimer that it’s only a test on the internet, though, and therefore may not be completely accurate. Also I really hope no one thinks I’ve erased aromanticism in this fic. I’m aro-spec myself, and I’m not trying to make it sound like you’re broken if you don’t feel romantic attraction. It’s just that Phil does experience romantic attraction, and he’s confused with how that ties in with his asexuality. I apologise if that makes it sound like there’s something wrong with aromantic people – clearly, there isn’t. Us aros rule. Just wanted to make that clear. ^_^


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this chapter should be the last one with in-depth sexuality-discovery stuff, so I promise to stop lecturing you after this and get to the actual plot. If you’ve survived this far, congratulations, honestly xD Also it’s really long. I keep thinking I should have split it, but meh *shrugs*
> 
> On another note – to everyone telling me they like the fact I’m exploring sexuality in so much detail, thank you so much! I hope you continue to enjoy this fic ^_^

Phil responded to the article about him and Dan by staying in his room for the next five days.

Perhaps it wasn’t the most mature response in the world, but Phil was tired and struggling with his PhD and generally feeling a little bit frightened by the whole experience. He didn’t like attention. He didn’t want to have to deal with people recognising him or speculating about his relationship with Dan. It was _private._ And also a mess.

Phil allowed himself a quiet groan at the thought of Dan. They hadn’t seen each other since Phil discovered the article, and Phil hadn’t told him about it, either. Every time he went to bring it up in a text, he completely chickened out. Dan would think he was an idiot. After all, Dan must deal with much larger newspapers than this, with much more scandalous stories, and _he_ was alright. He’d probably just laugh in Phil’s face if he knew what was bothering him.

So Phil had stopped going to the film set, and he’d stopped replying to Dan’s texts straight away. Not that that had stopped Dan – instead he’d just texted Phil with more frequency, updating him with news from the set and photos of Dan and Louise and sometimes PJ eating lunch together, captioned ‘ _You should come join us!’_

But Phil didn’t, because that would mean going outside.

The morning after first discovering the article, Phil had been awakened early by the persistent, shrill buzzing of his phone right by his ear. When he’d blearily swiped at it, missing three times, he’d answered with a gruff “ _’lo?”_ and been met with the delighted voice of his mother.

“ _I’m so happy for you! Have you seen the paper?”_

Phil audibly groaned.

“ _You’re right on the main story! I had no idea you were so involved with the film – does this mean they’ve hired you? Have you made any good contacts for a job after your PhD? And you’ve met that actor you like – oh – oh what’s his name, Sam? Dan? He looks like a lovely boy, tell me everything about him!_ ”

“Mum—”

“ _I was just saying to Janice down the shop – you remember Janice, she used to sneak you sweets when you were little –”_

“Yes, but—”

“ _—Well I was just saying to her, because she was selling the paper, you see, and she had it open on the page with your photo and told everyone you were one of ours—”_

“Mum—”

“ _—And I said to her, I said, ‘Phil will be so happy all his hard work will be paying off! He’s always dreamed of working on a big film’. And it’s the book you always loved, isn’t it?”_

“Well—”

“ _And Janice said I must be so proud, and I am, you know, I’m so proud of my youngest boy. You must be so happy, finally mixing with all these people. Remember poor PJ, though – is he getting on alright as well? He isn’t mentioned in the paper, so make sure you don’t forget about him, alright?”_

Phil hadn’t been able to get a word in edgeways to inform her that, actually, PJ was the one getting hired for the film, and Phil was little more than a juicy piece of gossip for Dan’s enormous following.

The truth of that hit him rather hard.

Phil was becoming exactly one of those people he’d always hated – the boring, side-line people who were only known because of their proximity to the talented. What had Phil actually contributed to the set, aside from the odd technical problem that he helped out Xander and PJ with? His skill set was in post-production – in making the film look good once it had all been filmed. His place was in an office, behind the scenes. He had absolutely no business on the set itself, other than for Dan’s entertainment.

Perhaps that was a little unfair, though. Dan had never once forced Phil into anything, and he certainly didn’t play up their public presence. If anything, Phil thought Dan tried to avoid the cameras. Twitter was different, they both enjoyed posting about each other there, but that was because it felt like a different world to the real-life media.

Phil’s phone dinged, pulling him out of his cycle of dangerous thoughts. He sat up slowly from under his blankets and fished around under his pillow, pulling it out and glancing down at the screen.

**Dan:** Oh look isn’t today exactly the perfect day to be doing the outdoor scenes!

Accompanying the text was a selfie of Dan, hand up, glaring at the sky as the rain poured down around him. He was in his green cloak-and-tunic costume, his hair pushed back, curling from the damp. He looked thoroughly soaked.

Phil couldn’t hold back a chuckle. He glanced out of his own window and saw that it was indeed raining, the droplets tapping against the glass with a comforting, background insistence. It was somehow comforting to know that he and Dan were under the same sky.

Phil curled back up under his blankets and took a selfie to send back to Dan, accompanying it with _‘Good luck with that from my blanket cave.’_ He continued munching on his bowl of cereal and hit play on the film he’d paused (he was rewatching _‘Reckless’_ for the 178th time, feeling a little weird watching it when he knew Dan personally now). Phil was allowing himself to hide from the world for a little while.

His phone dinged again.

**Dan:** I hate you and everything you stand for

Phil snickered. He placed down his cereal to type out a reply, dividing his attention between the phone conversation and the continuing plot of one of his favourite films.

**Phil:** I’ll be sure to tell your Twitter followers you’ve been lying to them

**Dan:** Wanker. You coming by the film set today?

Phil winced, hesitating before replying.

**Phil:** In this weather? Don’t be ridiculous

**Dan:** If I can brave it so can you

**Phil:** Much as I’d love getting soaked with you, unfortunately my PhD calls to me

Phil slid his phone away, trying not to feel guilty. He missed Dan – he missed chatting to him, watching him get lost in his acting, and the way he’d literally pounce on the coffee Phil offered him. But Phil just couldn’t brave going back outside. Not when he felt like there’d be reporters everywhere.

There was no reply.

Phil tried to push it out of his mind as he curled around his laptop screen to continue watching _‘Reckless’._ Dan Howell on the screen looked carefree and easy, without any of the problems Phil was bringing to his real life. It was surprisingly nice to relax and watch Dan’s face, able to study his eyes and the shape of his mouth and the smooth nature of his skin without getting snarky comments in response.

But Phil kept his phone right by him the whole time.

\---

_“Ten minutes!”_

Dan Howell sighed as he slipped his phone back into his pocket. He hadn’t replied to Phil’s last text, but as far as he could see, there wasn’t anything worth responding too. He wouldn’t sink to begging, but Dan was fairly sure that if he attempted to type out a reply, it would quickly turn into _please come back onto set I don’t know where you’ve been and I miss you._

Not exactly the best way to play it cool.

Dan moved a little further back, pressing himself against the wall in an effort to keep as dry as possible. The rain had been pouring down since four o’clock that morning, when Dan had come on set to film. Louise had been doing another night shoot, and they’d only done a couple of scenes together that morning before she’d finished for the day and headed off to find her bed. Dan would run into her at the hotel later, hopefully. With her missing and Phil stubbornly refusing to get out of bed, though, Dan was left to spend his ten-minute break alone.

Or so he’d thought.

Xander was a little way away, busily playing with the camera, and beside him stood Phil’s friend, PJ. Dan tried his best not to glare. He _liked_ PJ – they’d talked quite a few times since PJ had begun helping out Xander regularly. But the last time Phil had been here, he and PJ had hugged for quite a long time, and Dan had often seen the easy manner they had around each other, and the simple way they could make each other laugh. Around PJ, Phil was all smiles – around Dan, he was irritable huffs and sarcastic laughs.

Not that that was a bad thing. Dan had grown to _love_ teasing Phil at every opportunity. Only, that was part of the problem.

Apparently noticing his staring, PJ glanced over and grinned, lifting a hand in a wave. After a quick word to Xander, PJ stepped away and started walking to the little alcove that Dan had huddled himself in – the same alcove that he and Phil would often share to drink coffee.

Dan straightened his back and painted on his usual smirk as PJ approached. “Hey.”

“Hi!” PJ ducked into the shelter beside him, his hair wildly curly and soaked through. “Mind if I shelter out here, too?”

“Be my guest.”

“Thanks.” PJ edged into the space beside Dan, leaving more room between them than Phil would. He rubbed his hands together with a gusty sigh. “It’s _freezing,_ isn’t it?”

“You’re telling me,” Dan answered dryly, gesturing to the flimsy costume he was wearing under his giant black coat.

PJ grinned at him. “You’re a trooper, you’ll survive.”

“I do not _troop_ anywhere.”

“Come on, you can do it,” PJ said bracingly. “I believe in you.”

All he got in response was an unimpressed glare.

Dan, however, really could not afford to waste this opportunity. As much as he might dislike PJ’s closeness to Phil (and really, he should get over that), PJ was the only one who could maybe enlighten Dan as to what had happened to Phil. The only other option was to just turn up at Phil’s house, but Dan was a little scared to do that.

Not that he’d ever admit that aloud.

So Dan plucked up the remains of his courage and casually asked, “So, how’s Phil been lately?”

PJ, perhaps unsurprisingly, saw right through him. “Are you asking me why he hasn’t been talking to you?”

Dan winced. “No! I – no, of course not. I don’t mind what he does. He’s not tied to me – or – or anything. He’s free to do what he wants.” Even if Dan didn’t like it.

PJ chuckled. “Funny, he has almost the exact same reaction when I ask him about you.”

“Really?” Dan, despite his best attempts, couldn’t help the way his voice cracked.

PJ sent him a knowing look, which Dan did his best to avoid.

“To answer your question,” PJ answered slowly, “To be honest, I’m not entirely sure. Phil got a bit spooked a few days ago – there was an article about the two of you online, don’t know if you saw it.”

Dan blinked. “Yeah? I mean, it was bound to happen eventually.”

“I don’t think Phil realised that.”

“Really?”

PJ shook his head. “And he’s not the best fan of attention, so. He may have gone into hiding.”

“…Oh.” Dan turned that thought over for a moment, teeth worrying his lower lip. Despite knowing Phil for almost two months now, he still struggled to get into his head – Phil’s world was alien to Dan. The way he seemed to get spooked over every little thing, things that Dan had long been taking for granted, constantly surprised him.

Well, Dan was just going to have to get better at understanding him.

“He didn’t seem to mind Twitter, though?” Dan pressed after a moment of silent thinking. “I mean, he gets plenty of attention on there.”

PJ shrugged. “Your guess is as good as mine.”

“But you and he are close, aren’t you?” Dan was beginning to get a bit agitated. “I thought you’d know what’s up with him.”

PJ surveyed him closely – so closely that Dan almost wanted to escape back to the set. After a long moment, PJ eventually answered, “I do know him, but to be honest, Dan, I’ve never known him act the way he does around you.”

A sudden rush of something warm slid through Dan’s veins.

“Talk to him,” PJ advised. “He’ll talk, with a bit of prodding. And I don’t know what’s going on inside his head half the time, and he doesn’t usually answer me if I try and question him too closely, he gets all embarrassed and quiet. You might have more luck.”

Dan bit his lip again. A mix of pride and fear was swirling into a toxic mess in his stomach, uncertainty clouding with a desire to be with Phil again, to talk to him, to figure out the puzzle that was his behaviour. “You think he’d let me in, if I went round?”

“He let you in before, right?”

Dan nodded slowly. “I bought biscuits. Maybe I should do that again.”

PJ snorted, clapping Dan on the shoulder with a familiarity that Dan was not yet used to. It wasn’t unpleasant – just new. Most people in Dan’s life were either trying to control him, or too star-struck to do anything but gawp. Phil had been like a breath of fresh air, and maybe PJ could be too. If Dan just relaxed a little.

“Just go and talk to him, Dan,” PJ smirked.

Dan nodded, shoving his hands deep into his coat pockets. He and PJ made small talk for the rest of the break, but to be honest, Dan’s thoughts were trapped elsewhere. The last thing he wanted was to go back and film in the pouring, miserable rain without Louise, instead stuck doing scenes with Tom. In fact, on days like these, Dan regretted ever becoming an actor. He wondered, for a minute, what it would be like to live a life like Phil – a normal job in a comfortable shop, with a little place to call his own, able to study what he liked.

Only, Dan knew he wouldn’t really work that way. Acting was a passion – it sneaked up on him, and now it wouldn’t let him go. And he loved it.

Even when it involved getting soaked.

As the break was coming to an end, and the director began calling them all back, Dan slid his phone out of his pocket to send one final text to Phil.

**Dan:** Suit yourself. But I’m coming over later. Be ready

\---

When Phil got the text, it sent him into a mild panic. Not just because his flat was in complete disarray, either, although that was certainly a problem, but more down to the fact that he was still no further along in understanding his feelings for Dan. Plus, Phil wanted to keep hiding from the outside world. He was not ready for any of this.

So Phil did the one thing he always did when he was at the end of his tether – he called PJ.

“I’m literally dying,” Phil whimpered down the phone as soon as PJ picked up.

A loud sigh sounded down the line. “What are you panicking about this time?”

“I’m not _panicking_ …”

“Phil, I can hear you hyperventilating from all the way on the other side of Manchester.”

Phil spluttered.

“Calm down,” PJ advised gently. “Have you had coffee? Have coffee. And tell me what’s wrong.”

Phil was actually right in the process of making himself a drink. He stared at the water bubbling away in his kettle as he worked up the courage to respond. “Dan’s coming over.”

“Is _that_ all?”

“It’s a big deal!” Phil’s voice came out as more of a squeak. “I haven’t thought through _anything_ , I don’t know what he wants or what I’m supposed to tell him—”

“I’m sure he just wants to chat.”

“But chat about _what_?” Phil picked up the kettle as soon as it was boiled, setting PJ to loudspeaker and putting his phone on the side. “And what am I supposed to tell him? I’m no further along than I was last time we spoke, Peej.”

“That’s ok,” PJ answered reassuringly. “Calm down. What exactly are you worried about?”

Phil waved an arm in the air, nearly spilling his spoonful of instant coffee powder (the best tasting, in his opinion, he had no time for those posh blends). “I don’t know. That he’ll be expecting stuff.”

“What stuff?”

“I don’t know!” Phil squeaked. “I think he actually _likes_ me, for some Godforsaken reason, and I have no idea what to do about that!”

PJ gave a light chuckle. “I’m sure he isn’t going to force himself into your pants.”

Phil turned bright red and spluttered loudly.

“Seriously,” PJ continued, “I promise he’ll be fine. You two just need to actually talk, and since you keep hiding, I’ve had to send him over to you instead.”

Phil stopped short. “Is this _your_ doing?”

“…Maybe.”

“PJ!”

“Relax, ok?” PJ kept his tone gentle, although Phil could _hear_ the mirth bubbling away in his voice, damn him. “Dan’s filming late tonight, I can come over and be gone long before he shows up. Ok? We’ll sort your mess of a head out.”

“I’m not _that_ much of a mess,” Phil mumbled.

“Whatever you say, mate.” PJ gave another quiet chuckle. “I can be over in an hour.”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t break anything before I come over.”

Phil huffed and ended the call right then and there, but not before he heard another bout of laughter from PJ’s end. Sometimes, his friend could be really, _really_ irritating.

Phil spent the next hour pacing oddly about his flat. He’d opened his PhD books earlier, half-heartedly thumbing through a few of the pages, but his brain literally could not focus on the sentences without stumbling away back to Dan. He felt weird, having not seen Dan in a few days. Had Dan managed to eat? Did he still have access to coffee without Phil bringing it to him? Who was he spending his breaks with?

Phil wrenched his thoughts away with a low grumble. None of that was any of his business. Dan could do what he liked – even if Phil apparently had a weirdly protective streak.

When PJ showed up an hour later, Phil wasted no time in letting him in and spilling his guts. “I have no idea what to do. This is the worst idea ever. Why did I even start talking to Dan Howell?”

“Your guess is as good as mine, mate.” PJ was holding back laughter as he manoeuvred Phil onto the sofa. “But I expect it has something to do with the heart eyes you make at him literally every time you’re in the same room.”

“I do _not_!” Phil responded indignantly.

“Sorry, mate, but you really do.”

Phil huffed, but behind his irritation lay true, honest confusion. He didn’t like this new mess of emotions that he’d never really had to deal with before. He wasn’t enjoying any of it.

Luckily, PJ seemed to pick up on this relatively quickly, as he settled in beside Phil and cast him a serious look. “Alright. Talk to me, Lester.”

Phil shuffled in his seat, staring down at the ground.

After a short silence, PJ sighed and reached for Phil’s laptop, tugging it open. “Alright. Let’s start simple. What exactly is it you’re freaking out about?”

Phil chewed his lip, considering the question carefully before he answered. “I think – I guess I’m just scared that Dan’s going to run. But, wait. No. That’s not all of it.”

“Go on,” PJ encouraged gently.

Phil closed his eyes. “I don’t know. I can – I can imagine him getting scared and running away, or not understanding anything, and I think I could deal with that. You know?”

“…Alright. So what are you freaking out over?”

“I don’t _know_ ,” Phil mumbled. “That he gets it? That he’ll want to stick around anyway?”

PJ glanced at him sidelong, confused. “And that would be bad?”

Phil lifted one shoulder in a helpless half-shrug. “Maybe? I mean, it _could_ be.”

“Why?”

Phil shifted, uncomfortable, but PJ was unrelenting. “Come on, Phil. _Talk_ to me.”

“I guess,” Phil started after a moment, then stopped again, trying to make sense of his confused thoughts. "I guess – I guess I never saw myself in this position. And if Dan sticks around…”

“Then?”

“Then – then I’ll have to deal with it.” Phil stared morosely down at the ground. “And I know that makes me sound like a coward, but, hell, PJ, I’m _scared._ I’ve never dealt with this before. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, I don’t know what Dan _expects,_ and I don’t know how to give it to him.”

Silence held between them for a long, painful moment. PJ gave Phil a long, considering look, which just set Phil to more squirming. He was feeling open and raw and vulnerable and that wasn’t something he allowed himself to feel for long. Phil was always the one in control. Panicking didn’t suit him, and he didn’t cope well with it when it happened.

Thankfully, PJ was well aware of all this, from there many deadline days at uni. He knew to place a gentle hand on Phil’s shoulder, to head into the kitchen to fetch them both coffee, and to lean into Phil’s side to provide a comforting touch.

“The thing to remember,” PJ tried to explain, “Is that you’re only talking about _Dan_ here.”

Phil blinked slowly.

“And I can’t believe I’m saying this about _literal Dan Howell,_ ” PJ chuckled a little disbelievingly, “But he’s just another dorky guy. Right?”

“Yeah,” Phil answered faintly. “Totally. He’s an idiot. Did you know he won’t even _consider_ buying something if it doesn’t have black in it?”

“I did not know that, but I’m not surprised that you do.”

“Yeah. And he thinks instant coffee is an abomination.”

“Enlightening.”

“And he does this stupid rocking thing whenever he’s on a chair, I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve had to save him from falling.”

“That’s – honestly adorable.” PJ shook his head, but his lips were twitching upwards.

Phil looked at him suspiciously.

“My point is,” PJ rushed to add, “That he’s _just Dan._ You clearly enjoy his company.”

Phil rushed to deny, but PJ talked loudly over him. “ _And_ he likes you, too, I’ve seen how mopey he gets on the set when you aren’t around.”

Phil sat up a bit at this knowledge. “Really? Is he ok? Has he been taking enough breaks? What about his coffee?”

“Oh my God, he’s _fine._ ” PJ shook his head, but he was full-on grinning now. “But you just proved my point. If you like being around each other, then what do you have to panic about?”

Phil bit his lip. “But – well – people keep implying all this … other stuff.”

“People? What people?”

Phil waved a general hand. “Just _people_. On Twitter, in the flipping _paper_ , my mum on the phone…”

“Ok,” PJ agreed, “I agree that it kinda sucks that the papers jumped on you and Dan. But you _feed_ the Twitter stuff, mate, you _must_ know that.”

Phil floundered, not really able to deny the truth of that.

“And,” PJ continued, “I know you like interacting with Dan that way. And you like chatting to him in person. Am I right so far?”

Phil nodded slowly.

“So what’s the problem?”

“It’s—” Phil started, and then stopped again.

PJ gave his shoulder an encouraging nudge.

Phil blew out a slow breath, his entire body tensing. “It’s just, I’m not sure how far it goes.”

“How do you mean?”

“I hate you for making me say this,” Phil muttered. “But – I _like_ Dan.”

“I gathered.”

“No, I mean – I _really_ like him.” Phil was staring down at the floor, avoiding PJ’s searching gaze. “And I never have before. I mean – I didn’t think I _could._ And I don’t know what to do about it.”

There was another gentle silence, and then PJ was pulling up Phil’s internet and typing in a quick search.

Phil studied him questioningly, but PJ just said, “Wait there. I’m gonna show you something.”

Phil obediently stayed quiet, although his innards were collapsing slightly. His brain felt like a confused mush. He had _no_ idea how to even begin processing everything, and he’d never expected to find himself in this position. Everything felt new and strange and alien and, to be perfectly honest, Phil was absolutely terrified.

“Here it is!” PJ called triumphantly. “I knew I was right. Look – how does this sound? ‘You only experience romantic attraction once you’ve already formed an emotional connection with someone.’”

Phil blinked at PJ. “Huh?”

“It’s like—” PJ scrolled down a little, nodding to himself. “—Here. There’s this thing called being ‘demiromantic’. It means you don’t normally, like, fall in love, or get romantic feelings, but they _can_ occur once you’ve already formed an emotional bond with someone.”

“…Oh.” Phil felt a little floored. He made grabby hands for the laptop, which PJ easily gave up, and then glanced through the pages that PJ had open.

Demiromantic.

He tried the word out in his head, let it sit there, let it shimmer through his confused mess of _feelings._ And, yes, ok, it didn’t instantly feel alien.

Maybe, in fact, it felt a little bit _right._

“Oh,” Phil said again, gaining a little bit of courage. “So – so what I’m feeling…”

“I mean,” PJ filled in quickly, “I don’t mean to presume anything. But I’ve seen the way you look around Dan, and I’ve seen you worrying about him, too.”

Phil blinked. “Is that romantic?”

“I can’t define your feelings,” PJ shrugged gently, “But it looks like it to me.”

“Oh.” Phil played that thought over for a moment. It certainly explained the way his heart flipped out every time Dan did anything cute – be it smile in a certain way, or the way his eyes crinkled up when he gave his genuine laugh.

“It’s ok if you do feel that way,” PJ reminded him with a gentle pat on his shoulder. “There’s nothing wrong with it.”

Phil nodded slowly. Maybe, eventually, he could come to terms with that. Maybe he just needed a bit more time to get used to the idea.

“If you want my advice,” PJ continued, “Be honest with Dan. He’s a decent guy – or so he seems to me. You have my permission to be as soppy with each other as necessary.”

Phil’s face screwed up. “We’re not like _that_.”

“Maybe not yet,” PJ chuckled, his eyes full of warmth as he looked at Phil, “But I think you very soon will be.”

\---

Once PJ had gone back to the film set, Phil found himself in state of increased anxiety. PJ had informed him that Dan would be done filming at 8pm, and so he knew he still had a couple of hours left to stew.

This was not good for Phil.

Thirty minutes in, he found himself awkwardly pacing his flat, his fingers digging into his forearms, his heart stuttering and racing away in his chest. It never took long for Phil to become a nervous wreck, especially when he was out of his comfort zone. And he had never felt further from his comfort zone than he did then.

He’d already replied to Dan’s text to let him know he was ok to come over, but Dan hadn’t replied. Too busy filming, no doubt. Phil did his best to calm his racing nerves, but nothing he tried to distract himself with would stick. He’d watched the same episode of _Magi_ four times and still none of it had gone in. He’d even considered just heading to the film set to meet Dan there, but the memory of the newspaper article still had him a bit spooked about being out in public with Dan. He hadn’t been on Twitter in several days, either, for the same reason.

By the time 8pm rolled on past, the sky outside Phil’s window had turned to a dusky grey. The sun was probably setting somewhere, but the clouds in Manchester deprived them of the view, so all they were left with was an ashy, rainy haze.

When the knock on the door sounded, Phil jumped. He wavered by the handle for a long, hesitating moment, struggling to gather together his courage before he finally bit the bullet and tugged it open.

Dan was standing on the other side, looking just the same as ever.

He was dressed in casual black, his hair a little rumpled, but his entire face brightened the instant he saw Phil. Phil tried to ignore the way his stomach flipped at that.

“Hey!” Dan greeted him warmly, if a little nervously. “I wasn’t sure you’d actually answer the door.”

“Sorry,” Phil answered lamely as he stood aside to let Dan in. He considered expanding on his reasons, but realised he didn’t really know what to say. So instead he let the silence sit there awkwardly as they both settled onto Phil’s small sofa.

Dan shuffled in place, peering anxiously at Phil. Phil did his best to avoid that gaze. Now that he had Dan sitting right in front of him again, Phil was torn between spilling his guts and diving out of the window. Given the circumstances, he really wasn’t sure which option would be better.

“Ok,” Dan finally broke the silence, “I don’t really know what’s going on with you, so I’m just gonna go ahead and ask. Um. Are you ok?”

Phil wriggled, the concern in Dan’s voice unexpected. “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Dan shrugged, but his eyes were warm. “I don’t know. But I haven’t seen you in a while, and you kind of disappeared, and last time you did that it was because I’d upset you. So. Did I accidentally do that again?”

“No, no!” Phil shook his head quickly, pleased with the way Dan seemed to relax at those words. “Nothing you’ve done. In fact, I’ve been more worried about you.”

Dan quirked a brow. “Oh?”

“Yeah, I mean, how’s the set been? Have you been taking your breaks? Did you get someone else to bring you coffee? I told PJ what your order was—”

“Phil,” Dan held a hand up, but he was biting back a laugh. “Phil, I’m _fine_.”

“Are you sure? You haven’t been stressing over that actor you don’t like – Tom?”

“No—”

“And Harry hasn’t been stealing all the trailer space?”

“ _Phil_.” Dan’s tone was warm and exasperated. “Believe it or not, I _am_ capable of functioning.”

“Oh.” Phil sat back, a little cowed. “I mean, obviously. Of course you are.”

Dan grinned at him – the proper crinkly-eyed grin that Phil had missed so much. “I did, however, miss you quite a bit.”

Phil’s heart squirmed in his chest.

“Hence why I’m here now,” Dan added, casting Phil a thoughtful look. “Have you been freaking out?”

“Uh…”

“I mean, I can _see_ that you’ve been freaking out.” Dan glanced around the messy piles of books, papers, and various games scattered around Phil’s floor, almost tutting. “So what about? PJ mentioned you’d seen the newspaper article. Did it scare you off?”

“…Not exactly.” Phil bit his lip, but he’d already promised himself to be completely honest. PJ’s advice was sound – Dan deserved to know. So Phil drew in a careful breath and continued, “I mean, the article didn’t help. But there have been a few things.”

Dan tilted his head, listening closely.

Phil swallowed a couple of times, gathered his thoughts, and stared determinedly down at the floor. He started talking. “The article just kind of reminded me of who you are.”

“I’m offended you didn’t already know.”

“Shut up. I mean,” Phil waved a hand vaguely in Dan’s direction, “Your world is so different to mine. There are literally thousands of articles about you on the internet.”

Dan bit back a smirk. “I _knew_ you’d been googling.”

“Again: shut up. But that article just made me realise how scrutinised you are.”

Dan’s nose wrinkled. “I know. I didn’t much like it, actually – if you were a girl it would have been speculating on when our wedding would be.”

Phil paled slightly, spluttering. “Um. Oh. Well. My point is, I’m not used to that. I don’t – well, apparently, I don’t cope all too well with it.”

“You don’t say.” Dan glanced around the messy flat again, giving a little adorable head-shake. He studied Phil closely. “So is that the only thing bothering you? The attention?”

Phil bit his inner cheek savagely.

“Ok, so there’s more,” Dan said after a minute. “I thought there might be. D’you wanna talk about it?”

Phil was silent for a while longer, his brain already tripping itself up. He’d thought this through so many times – exactly what he’d tell Dan – but nothing seemed to have made its way into his memory. He was drawing a complete blank.

“It’s fine if you don’t want to,” Dan added hastily. “We can deal with the attention thing—”

“No.” Phil managed to unstick his tongue enough to speak again. “No, I think you should know.”

“Ok,” Dan agreed slowly. “Only if you’re sure.”

Phil nodded, already trying to think through a way to say this out loud. Everything kept getting stuck, though, so in the end he just closed his eyes and started talking without thinking. “So, PJ came around earlier—”

“Oh did he?” Dan interrupted darkly.

“—Yeah – and he kind of told me to stop being an idiot and moping and actually talk to you, and I, well, I sort of freaked out, so he sat me down and made me think through _why_ I was freaking out so much.”

“Oh?” Dan sounded genuinely interested, but Phil still didn’t dare to open his eyes. “And? Did you come up with something?”

Phil nodded.

“Do you want to tell me?”

Phil nodded again, drawing in a steadying breath. “If you promise not to run away.”

“Promise.” There was a smile in Dan’s voice.

Phil let out his breath slowly. “OK. So. PJ helped me figure out some things I was feeling – new things. About – well – about you mostly.” Phil screwed his face up, already hating just about every aspect of this conversation.

There was a gentle touch to his arm. It steadied him. Phil drew in another breath.

“And Peej has been on at me for a while – about how close you and I have got, so suddenly. He was a bit worried about me, because he knows how this is all new. To me, at least.”

“I see.” Dan’s tone was carefully neutral.

“Yeah.” Phil dared to flick his eyes open, meeting Dan’s gaze. Dan was looking straight at him, his expression soft and open and _gentle_ and just about everything Phil needed to see right then. “PJ found a word. For me. Um – demiromantic.”

Dan’s eyes widened a little. “Demi? You’re demi?”

“I don’t know,” Phil answered a little helplessly. “Probably? Maybe? It fits, I guess.”

Dan nodded, tapping on his knee distractedly. “Demi. Right.” He paused for a moment, released Phil to dig around in his pocket, and pulled out his phone. “ _Demi._ I think that was the one I didn’t understand, hang on.”

Phil watched him in mute confusion before something clicked and he blinked. “Wait. Did you keep the notes you made last time?”

“Maybe.” Dan kept his face ducked down, but Phil could see the back of his neck turning red.

“You did!”

“Only because you’re literally hopeless at explaining anything.”

Phil was too delighted to be mad. “You made _notes._ ”

“Shut up.”

“You’re adorable.”

_“Phil._ ” Dan’s voice was full of fond admonishment. He studied his phone screen for another long moment, then paused to glance back up at Phil. “So demiromantic asexual? Is that you?”

Phil recoiled momentarily. The words still sounded strange and alien to his slightly confused brain, like they were a huge giant commitment that he maybe wasn’t completely ready to make.

In a magical wave of telepathy, Dan seemed to understand this somehow, because he tilted his head curiously. “Or not?”

“I’m not sure,” Phil answered after a moment. “It fits better than anything else does? But I don’t know. All of this is very new. Labels have never really been my thing.”

“I’m sensing that.” Dan couldn’t help but grin at him. “Thank you for telling me.”

Phil lifted a shoulder, half-shrugging. “I figured you deserve to know why I’ve been freaking out.”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“What for?”

“Making you freak out?” Dan glanced back down at his phone screen, chewing on his lower lip. “I mean – if it was me. I’m not saying it was—”

“It was,” Phil said with a small smile, “But I don’t really mind.”

Dan glowed.

“But it’s all still really new and confusing,” Phil added quickly, because his heart still felt like it was doing backflips against his ribcage. “So I’m sorry for any future freak-outs. I’ll try to keep them to a minimum.”

Dan let out a soft, golden laugh. His eyes sparked warmly at Phil. “That’s ok. If you promise to give me some warning – the set is kind of lonely without you.”

Phil wasn’t entirely sure why that thought made him so happy. He smiled at Dan regardless. “I can always come and freak out there if you can’t survive without me.”

“Arrogant _bastard_.”

“Coming from you?”

“Hey,” Dan huffed, “I have never been that bad.”

Phil arched a brow. “Oh really? I distinctly remember your arrogance when we first met.”

“I didn’t—”

“In fact you told me to shove off because I knew nothing about film sets, if I remember rightly.”

“That wasn’t—”

“And you went to see your _own film_ in the cinema.”

“Ok—”

“I rest my case.”

“Ok, Phil!” Dan interrupted loudly, but he was still grinning. “You made your point.”

“I did,” Phil agreed smugly.

Dan shook his head, but he couldn’t seem to stop from smiling. His cheeks went all puffy, and his eyes were small and crinkled, and he just looked so _happy_ that Phil could almost _feel_ it radiating off him. This Dan Howell was totally different to any Phil had seen on screen or in articles or even on the set – this Dan Howell only seemed to appear when he was somewhere quiet, with Phil, talking or laughing over something stupid.

And with that thought, Phil realised that maybe things actually _would_ be ok. Eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note that not all demiromantics are the same and not everyone will be like I’ve written it. Also I’m not demi myself so apologies if I haven’t got it exactly right <3 now onwards with actual plot!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Putting this out on a Sunday as I’m away tomorrow ^_^ back to normal Monday updates next week though!
> 
> …Also I know I promised plot but this is basically 5000 words of fluffy nothingness. Um. I have no explanation?

The sky was dull, but dry. The bookshop was quiet and peaceful. And Dan Howell was asleep on the sofa.

Phil was up on the third floor, squirreled away among the many shelves on stacking duty (or rather, he’d requested stacking duty, and Lilith had been too frazzled to argue). There were hardly any customers in. Friday mornings were usually quiet at the best of times, and it was still crazily early – Phil had only got into work just over an hour ago, amid much yawning and desperate clutching at his coffee.

Dan hadn’t even given him a warning – no text, no call, no perhaps-unwise public Tweeting. He’d just shown up at the door looking like death warmed up, announced a desperate need for rest, and promptly collapsed on one of the sofas.

Phil couldn’t even bring himself to be mad.

The desperate fear that used to cling to his heart seemed to have gone. Well, it hadn’t completely evaporated – there was still the familiar tightening in his chest when he looked at Dan, and the constant overwhelming thud of his heart when Dan looked right back – but it had all calmed right down. Phil could cope. He wasn’t on the verge of jumping out of the nearest window every time he and Dan were in the same space, which made a nice change from the past few weeks.

Not that things with him and Dan had ever been bad. They’d just been – stagnant, and new, and terrifying. And Phil hadn’t had a clue what to do with them.

Not any more. Now, Phil found himself stealing little glances over to Dan as he stacked the shelves as quietly as possible so he wouldn’t wake the man. It warmed his heart just to see Dan in the room with him, like it was normal, like it was routine. Phil liked to dream that this could become routine.

It helped that Dan looked unbearably cute when he was asleep, too.

Honestly, Phil had been more than a tad terrified when Dan showed up at the shop, and not for the usual reasons, either. No, he’d been overcome by worry that Dan was actually going to collapse. There were dangerously dark circles under Dan’s eyes, he looked much paler than normal, and his hair was a rumpled mess far removed from its usually straightened-to-within-an-inch-of-its-life perfection. He hadn’t had much of a chance to quiz Dan about it, though. Phil had been more concerned about getting him up the stairs and onto a sofa before he collapsed on the floor.

And, now, Dan was sound asleep, and Phil was allowed to look at him as much as he wished.

And look he did. Dan’s face was much more gentle when he was sleeping – all his usual sardonic smirks and twitches were completely smoothed out, leaving him looking young and vulnerable. It brought out all sorts of protective feelings from within Phil. He was reminded, again, of just how much younger than him Dan was. Their ages were easy to forget when they were in the midst of arguing over the proper way to watch a film, or whether books or films provided a better medium for storytelling.

Phil slid the last of his current pile of books into the shelf, but he paused before starting on the next one to steal another glance at Dan. A familiar flutter ran through his veins at the sight. Dan was curled up in a little ball, his arms wrapped around his knees. His limbs were far too long for the sofa he’d chosen, and his neck was crooked awkwardly against the armrest. Plus, he’d taken his jacket off, and his bare arms had goosebumps.

Phil bit his lip. He stole a quick glance around the third floor, relieved to see it still empty, and darted over to the only staffroom on this floor. The door was tucked away in one of the alcoves, hidden behind one of Lilith’s many pastel-coloured drapes. It rustled slightly when he slipped the door open, wincing at the creak for fear of waking Dan.

Luckily for him, Dan was completely exhausted and in no danger of waking up any time soon.

Phil dug around in the cupboard in the staffroom until he found what he was after – a blanket that he’d kept here in case of emergencies. It was covered in badgers – not the most convenient of designs – but Phil pushed away any lingering embarrassment and instead slipped back out, locking the staffroom door behind him.

When he approached Dan, he hadn’t moved an inch, and there was still no one on this floor. So Phil took his time in approaching quietly. He leaned down over Dan, resisting the urge to get right in his space and wrap him up, and instead carefully unfolded the blanket. He spread it out gently over Dan’s form. The blanket was a little too short to cover all of Dan’s legs, and it kept sliding down off the back of the sofa, so Phil grasped its edges and leaned over Dan to properly tuck him in.

In doing so, Dan shifted just a little, and the tiniest of sighs escaped his lips.

Phil froze. He stared down at Dan’s face, entirely transfixed. Dan’s eyelids fluttered, but remained closed, and his fingers clenched around nothing. Phil bit his lip, having to physically suppress the urge to slide his hand into Dan’s grip. Holding hands wasn’t a place they were at yet. It wasn’t even a place Phil was sure he _wanted_ to be at.

…Only, that wasn’t entirely true. Since finally figuring himself out, Phil was growing to realise that these urges were becoming more and more commonplace. Things like wanting to tuck his fingers around Dan’s, and wind his arm around Dan’s shoulders, and maybe even place a kiss to his cheek.

Wild thoughts, honestly. Phil knew his desires were still tame by comparison to what he’d heard they could be, but to him, these new revelations were completely earth-shattering. And it was all Dan’s fault. Only, the stupid actor was too cute to stay mad at.

Honestly, Phil was well and truly screwed.

Keeping himself in the present moment, Phil finished up tucking the edges of the blanket around Dan’s jaw and forced himself to step back. He wasn’t helped by the way Dan immediately grasped for the blanket and cuddled up to it, his expression relaxing further. It was all too easy to imagine sliding in there beside him, and allowing Dan to hold him.

But that was inappropriate for about a thousand reasons, not the least of which was that Phil was supposed to be working.

With a quick, despairing shake of his head, Phil span himself around and went back to stacking shelves. But not before snapping a photo of the sleeping Dan and putting it up on Twitter.

\---

Dan didn’t wake for another hour, and when he did, it was with a low, despairing groan.

Phil couldn’t resist a little chuckle. “Morning, sleepyhead.”

“ _No_ ,” Dan answered emphatically, and pulled the blanket right over his head. Phil was completely swamped by that image – Dan all curled up on a sofa in his _workplace,_ of all things, with one of Phil’s old blankets covered in badgers pulled right up over his head, a bit too short to cover his legs. His feet were poking out from underneath, in mismatched socks, and it was just too much.

“You,” Phil managed with a soft laugh, “Are _totally ridiculous,_ Dan Howell.”

Dan peeked out from under the blanket, his brown eyes soft and fond, and they matched Phil’s emotions absolutely perfectly. If it wasn’t for Dan’s dark eyes and sickly pale complexion, the moment would have been perfect.

As it was, Phil strode towards him with an unhappy frown. “You’ve been working too hard.”

It wasn’t a question, but Dan answered anyway. “Not really. Middle of filming always gets like this.”

Phil quirked a brow, so Dan explained through a yawn, “We’re two months in, behind schedule, the budget increase isn’t going to be in place for another month, so we’re a bit stretched. Alexis is going spare, Xander’s taking the brunt of it, we get dragged along for the ride. It’s all really fantastic.”

Phil would have snorted at the sarcasm, but instead his brow just creased further. He fixed Dan with a stern stare. “That’s no excuse not to let you sleep.”

“I sleep,” Dan argued.

Phil just looked at him.

“I maybe don’t sleep _enough_ ,” Dan acquiesced, “But I’ve been on night shoots all week again. It fucks up my sleeping shchedge.”

“My point exactly. You’re going to make yourself ill.”

“I’m totally used to it.”

“That doesn’t make it any _better._ ”

“Well,” Dan grinned up at him, and it only looked half-way terrifying in the pale of his complextion, “It makes you turn into a high-school mum, apparently, so there’s that.”

Phil shoved his shoulder, muttering. Dan Howell was still impossibly irritating – that would likely never change. Phil stamped on over to his pile of books, continuing to rearrange the shelves to whatever new system Lilith was trying to implement this week, and doing his best to ignore the warm fuzzy feeling apparently tugging him back to look at Dan.

That was, until Dan’s strangled cry interrupted his peace _again._ “Lester, did you put a photo of me _sleeping_ on the _internet_?!”

Phil held back a chuckle. “I suppose the answer to that would be yes.”

“ _That is so not allowed?!”_

“You never specified any rules when you declared war on me.”

“That’s because I was the one doing the embarrassing!”

Phil snorted. He turned back to see Dan sitting up indignantly, glaring at his phone. The fact that he was still under the badger blanket made it kind of hard to take him seriously, though.

“Have you even seen the responses to this?” Dan waved his phone at Phil, almost dropping it twice. “I actually think you broke the internet.”

“I think that would be your cute face, actually,” Phil disagreed.

Dan jerked, startled. Then his attention was fixed solely on sending Phil an investigative look, and Phil kind of wanted to turn and run away before he revealed too much.

…Not that there was much left that Dan didn’t know.

Instead, Phil allowed this new feeling to shimmer, and stared Dan back in the eye. He was allowed to call Dan Howell cute now. That was a thing that could happen.

“Wow,” Dan muttered, curling back up under the blanket, “Maybe we’re finally getting somewhere.”

“Hey, no, you can’t just go back to sleep.” Phil strode over to Dan, poking at his side.

Dan squirmed, whining.

“At least, not until you’ve eaten something other than caffeine,” Phil amended.

Dan sent him a soft glare. “I hate you and everything you stand for.”

“Stop bitching at me, Howell, and go eat a sandwich.”

“I don’t _have_ a sandwich.”

“That’s why there’s this place called a _café,_ they sell these things, and there’s one right next door!”

“You’re such a little shit.” But Dan was laughing as he swung his legs back onto the ground, digging out his shoes from behind the sofa. “Want anything?”

“Coffee.”

“What, so you’re allowed caffeine, but I’m not?”

“I’ve not been working night shifts,” Phil reminded him.

Dan huffed as he shrugged on his jacket, folding the blanket carefully onto the sofa. “Lucky you. Also. Did you tuck me in?”

Phil felt the back of his neck growing hot. “Maybe,” he answered gruffly, “But only because you were cold and grumbly about it.”

Dan sent him a delighted grin, which just about made up for everything. On his way past, he gave Phil’s hair a quick ruffle.

“If you drink caffeine, I will know!” Phil called after him before he went back to stacking books.

The silence once Dan was gone was a weirdly empty one. Even though Dan had mostly just been asleep, Phil’s morning shift hadn’t felt as cold or bone-wearingly boring as it usually did. Something about being able to steal glances over at Dan’s sleeping body, or just simply knowing that he wasn’t alone, warmed Phil’s heart. He’d been filled with an odd fuzzy feeling all day.

…Honestly, if this was what romance was like, Phil didn’t know how anyone even _functioned._ It was kind of nice, once he got used to his clumsiness being increased tenfold whenever Dan did something cute, but it was rather inconvenient.

Still, Dan seemed happy, and that was the main goal.

Phil did wonder what this truly meant, though. They hadn’t ever properly discussed exactly what Phil had told Dan when he’d finally stopped freaking out about this entire situation. And, more confusingly, Dan hadn’t reacted at all to Phil’s almost-sort-of-confessing feelings for him. Admittedly, Phil hadn’t done the best job of being clear about how he felt, but really, he’d expected Dan to have made _some_ sort of move by now. Instead, Dan had just insisted on continuing to drag Phil on random city walks, or showing up to nap in his workplace. The whole routine felt disturbingly normal.

PJ was still taking every opportunity to laugh in Phil’s face about it – making up for all of Phil’s teasing over PJ’s failed relationship attempts over the past eight years. Sickeningly, Phil couldn’t even bring himself to be mad about that. It was … sort of nice to have someone else out there who saw him and Dan as something other than friends. If that was even what they were.

Phil scrubbed a hand down his face as he finished sorting through another book pile. Honestly, he’d rearranged almost the whole of the third floor by now, but Phil was loathe to leave Dan, even if he should be helping Lilith deal with customers down on the ground floor. The lunchtime rush would be happening soon. Damn Dan Howell and his distracting sleepy dimples.

It didn’t take long for Dan to reappear with two steaming mugs and a bag of food. “Before you say anything, only you have coffee,” he started as soon as he saw Phil’s disapproving glance.

“Yeah? What’ve you got then?”

“Just tea. Lemon and ginger – no caffeine, see?”

Phil gave the mug a suspicious sniff before relinquishing it to Dan with a slight nod. “Ok, fine, you’re allowed that.”

“Thanks, _mum._ ” Dan poked him in the side, then extracted a muffin from the bag and threw it at him. “Looked like you could do with a snack.”

Phil caught it with surprise. “…Thanks?”

“There’s no need to look so shocked every time I do something nice for you.” Dan’s stupid little smirk was firmly back in place as he took a bite out of his sandwich. “I mean, I know you’re still star-struck every time you see me, but.”

“ _Shut it, Howell._ ”

Dan snickered. “I saw the _‘Reckless’_ poster on the first floor, that was totally down to you.”

Phil spluttered, but once again, he wasn’t really able to deny it. Lilith had allowed him minimal input in the decoration of the store, but that poster was one thing he’d insisted on.

“It makes me all the more surprised that you didn’t recognise me as soon as I talked to you,” Dan mused.

“I was too distracted by how much of an arse you were being.”

“Harsh words to give your favourite, Phil.”

“You aren’t my favourite anything,” Phil answered, but softened the words with a small smile tossed over his shoulder.

Dan returned the look, leaning against the shelf next to Phil’s new pile of books to sort. Needless to say, he was even more distracting up close than he had been asleep on the sofa. Up close, Phil couldn’t ignore his warmth, or his scent, or the way he leaned a little into Phil at every possible excuse. The softness of his voice, croaky from his nap, was also doing strange things to Phil’s mental state. “Have you been working all this time?”

“Yes, Dan.” Phil lightly elbowed his side. “This is sort of my job.”

Dan shook his head, leaning in a little. “No offence, but I cannot imagine doing something like this all day.”

“Something like what?”

“You know, just –” Dan waved a non-committal hand around the batty shelves of the bookshop. “Spending all day with books, not really talking to people.”

“Honestly?” Phil paused in his work to give Dan his full attention. “It’s actually my idea of heaven.”

Dan sent him a questioning look.

“Little to no interaction required,” Phil explained with a low chuckle. “I think you know me well enough to know how bad I am at peopling.”

Dan was smirking before he knew it. “I may have picked up on that, yes.”

Phil nodded. “Well, here, the most I have to do is help a child pick out their next favourite story, or lift down books for professors when they can’t reach the top shelves. It’s kind of nice.”

“Phil to the rescue, huh?”

“Exactly.” Phil snickered. “Phil to the rescue.”

Dan was sending him a considering look, just the hint of a dimple appearing on his left cheek, and Phil had to try really hard to focus on not just randomly squishing it.

“I think I like the idea of Phil to the rescue,” Dan murmured after a minute, causing Phil’s neck to heat up all over again.

“Yes, well,” he answered gruffly with a poke to Dan’s side, “Phil to _your_ rescue requires you to eat properly. Finish your sandwich, Howell.”

Dan scoffed, but he was grinning as he took another bite.

\---

Phil’s flat felt much emptier than it ever used to. Which was honestly _ridiculous,_ because Dan had never even spent that long here, but whenever Phil glanced over at his sofa he saw the memory of Dan sitting there, looking at him closely, or studying his expressions, or reading from his silly little notes that were far too endearing to be real. Phil gave his head a firm shake. He was in serious need of getting a grip.

A text from PJ distracted him momentarily, excitedly telling him he’d had it confirmed that he was going to be officially employed by the set from the end of the month. Phil munched on half-hearted pasta as he typed out a reply, doing his best to be appropriately enthusiastic. He was proud of PJ. The years of hard work he’d put in under his demon of a manager would maybe finally be paying off.

Afterwards, Phil scrolled through some of the Twitter replies to his photo of Dan asleep at the bookshop, unable to stop the smile from flitting across his face. Predictably, their audience were thrilled. Most of them were squealing about how adorable Dan looked under the blanket, and Phil was rather inclined to agree with them. Not that he was going to say so publicly. He liked interacting with Dan’s fans, but some things he preferred to keep private.

A buzz from his phone had him clicking back on his message inbox.

**PJ:** _Thanks, mate! Also, Xander mentioned some of the post-production crew are coming onto set next week. Be here_

Phil’s stomach flipped. Actual post-production? That was Phil’s area – the editing, the piecing together of all the clips and turning them into something polished and beautiful. That was where his passion lay. He’d been neglecting visiting the set over the past week or two, a bit busy with writing his thesis, and besides, Dan had been keen to get off the set. Phil rather enjoyed showing him around Manchester, rather than loitering in shadowy corners trying to avoid stressed make-up artists and scurrying cameramen. Even if Dan never had more than an hour or two free at a time.

But if there would be post-production crew, then Phil could make an exception. He made a note to ask Dan about it later.

The next morning, Phil wasn’t surprised to be awakened by the insistent flashing of his phone with a call from Dan. He groaned. The time was 4am – _four in the freaking morning_ – and his eyelids felt mostly stuffed with glue. But, he still answered the phone, pushing his hair off his forehead with a low groan.

“ _Hello to you too,_ ” Dan chuckled down the line.

“It’s _four in the morning_ ,” Phil grunted, “ _Four in the morning,_ Howell.”

“ _Yes, I am aware. Wanna go for a walk_?”

“You are the worst person in the world.”

“ _Oh, come now, I’m sure there are some people worse than me._ ”

“Slenderman, maybe,” Phil muttered, earning a small laugh from Dan. “I’m not leaving the house. It’s freezing. Come over here if you wanna hang.”

There was a moment of surprised quiet, and then Dan said, “ _Are you sure_?” His voice was all small and cute and it did strange things to Phil’s chest.

“Just come over.” Phil got as much warmth into his gruff morning tone as possible, and promptly hung up.

What? It would take like ten minutes maximum for Dan to arrive, and Phil was still in his pyjamas. This was going to take some ninja-speed dressing.

As it turned out, by the time the doorbell rang Phil had blearily managed to tug on a shirt and trousers and brush his teeth, though his contacts had yet to make an appearance. He had two slices of toast on the go and some eggs frying away (because the _one_ good thing about being up was food), filling his tiny, cramped flat with the homely scent of cooking.

He answered the door with a tired glare at Dan.

Dan’s answering look was inquisitive. “Hey. I always forget you wear glasses.”

“So do I,” Phil said, stupidly. He stepped aside to wave Dan in, hiding a yawn behind his hand.

Dan, by contrast, was of course completely put together. His black shirt and smart trousers were impeccable, not a single hair was out of place, and his smirk was just as evident as it would be at any sensible hour of the day. Phil kind of hated him for always looking perfect.

But then Dan turned around, and the dark circles under his eyes were more than evident. He was pale and willowy, but his expression perked up in interest as he strode (uninvited) straight into Phil’s kitchen. “Are you cooking?”

“Hands off, the stove’s hot.” Phil shooed Dan away, hovering over the pan to check on the eggs. “Also, go sit, before you collapse.”

“I’m not that tired.”

“Yeah, right,” Phil scoffed.

“I’m not!”

“How long was the shift you’ve just finished?”

“Uh…” Dan bit his lip under Phil’s scrutinising stare, finally relenting with his hands up. “Alright, fine, I’ll sit down if it’ll calm your motherly tendencies.”

“I’m not _mothering,_ ” Phil muttered, “I just don’t like seeing people looking half-starved and exhausted.”

“Gee, thanks.” There was laughter in Dan’s tone, though, which told Phil that this was all ok. Maybe. If he could just get over the way his stomach was flipping because _he was having breakfast with Dan Howell._

“There’s enough for you, if you want,” Phil offered gruffly, hovering by the plates.

Dan’s answered by way of an enthusiastic groan. Phil got out two plates.

“Y’know, I’m impressed you can cook,” Dan said amiably from his place at the table, eyes constantly trained on Phil. It was more than a little distracting. “With your student lifestyle, and all.”

“I’ve been a student for almost a decade,” Phil answered wryly. “You learn some tricks after a while.”

Dan’s back straightened a bit then. His eyes tracked Phil’s every movement, watching as the food collected on two plates and then made their way over to the table. He made grabby hands at the food. “How have you been a student for a decade? Are you, like, including high school?”

Phil snorted.

“Sorry,” Dan made a face at him, “I just didn’t think – I mean – you don’t look that old.”

“Gee, thanks.” Phil gently repeated Dan’s words, allowing himself a tiny smirk. He couldn’t help it – Dan looked defensive and young and a bit confused. He took his own plate and settled across the table from Dan, spearing an egg. “I’m 26, for your information. Started uni at 18, so not quite a decade yet.”

“Oh.” Dan’s eyes were peering intently at him over the table. “So that’s – what – three degrees?”

“Almost.” Phil sent a slightly guilty glance to the stacks of paper and books crowding his desk.

Dan followed his gaze, biting back a smile. He then proceeded to stare all the way around Phil’s apartment in a way that made Phil’s stomach squirm. He wished he’d had more time to straighten the place up before Dan showed up – his laundry was spilling out by the bed, though thankfully that was hidden by a partition wall. The kitchen counters were cluttered, though, and his sink was piled with last night’s dishes.

Oh, well. It was _four in the morning._ Dan could deal with a bit of mess.

“I sometimes wish I could have finished my degree.” Dan’s tone was thoughtful in between bites of food.

“Yeah?”

“Mm.” Dan pursed his lips. “I mean, I think? It would have been a lot of hard work though.”

Phil’s lips twitched. “Not a good thing for you?”

“I am an avid procrastinator,” Dan admitted. “Don’t tell, though.”

“I’ll Tweet it at your followers later.”

“Don’t you _dare._ ”

Phil snickered. “Wouldn’t it be kind of – I don’t know – arbitrary now for you, though? I mean, you’re already acting, it doesn’t really matter if you go back to your academy. Does it?”

Dan blinked at him. “How did you know I was in acting school?”

Phil’s mouth opened slightly. “…You didn’t tell me?”

“No. No, I definitely didn’t.”

“…Oh.” Busted. Phil must have read it on one of his searches looking into Dan, then. Not that he would _ever_ admit that out loud.

Unfortunately, Dan seemed to have already caught on as he smirked around his mouthful of egg. “Good job I’ve given so much info to google, hm?”

Phil spluttered.

“But to answer your question,” Dan went on, his expression growing contemplative, “It would be largely arbitrary, yes, but it might be fun. The academy was fun. I got to be with other young actors, you know?”

Phil tilted his head. “Are you not now?”

“Not quite the same. For the most part, the people I work with have been professional for _ages._ They expect me to know a bunch of stuff that I just … don’t.”

“You wouldn’t know it from your work,” Phil pointed out.

Dan looked up at him. “No?”

“Nope. I mean, take _‘Reckless’._ You stand out as one of the best in that film.”

Dan’s dimples appeared and he glanced down at the plate. Phil resisted the urge to smile fondly at him, but he was sitting there looking so soft and – and as if he belonged. Even though they were discussing a role he won a freaking BAFTA for, which should be as far out of place in Phil’s life as it was possible to be.

“What about you?” Dan asked suddenly.

“What about me?”

“Have you always wanted to do editing?” Dan’s eyes narrowed a little. “That is what you do, right?”

“Yep. Well, specifically, post-production, but editing is my favourite part.”

Dan smirked. “In other words, all the easy bits after we’ve done the hard work on set.”

“So _rude_ , after I gave you breakfast and everything.”

Dan just chuckled. “I have to admit, if your editing is as good as your cooking, then you’ll go far.”

Phil felt a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Getting complimented by Dan was something he could get used to. Somehow, Dan’s good opinion felt much more important than PJ’s, or his parents’, or anyone else Phil was close to.

Maybe he should be worried by that.

“So, you’ve lived here your entire student life?” Dan asked with another glance around the apartment.

Phil shook his head. “Did my undergrad at York, actually. Came back here to be nearer my family.” He tilted his head. “You seem interested, all of a sudden.”

“Is it sudden?” Dan murmured, glancing away again. “Maybe I’ve just finally got brave.”

Phil started a little at that. He’d never considered before that _Dan_ might need to be brave – which, yeah, _why would Dan need to be brave?_ Dan was – well – Dan was _Daniel Howell._ He was a big name. He had his choice of roles and a glitzy life and a sparkling career, and he was so young still. Why did he need to be brave?

Or maybe it was _because_ of all that that he was insecure. Phil tilted his head, studying Dan closely over the tabletop. Dan wasn’t meeting his eyes anymore, instead staring down at his mostly-empty plate. His fingers tapped a steady rhythm into the hard plastic. Despite the smart clothes he was wearing, Dan looked small, maybe due to the fact that he _still_ insisted on tucking his feet up under him and rocking on the chair. Phil was having visions of him falling face-first onto the hard lino of Phil’s kitchen. Cleaning that up would not be fun.

And then, something in Phil’s head clicked.

Dan was just _Dan_ – another young man trying to make his way through a confusing world. Being some big-shot actor didn’t put him on another planet (other than giving him some irritating arrogance, but hey, Phil could work past that). In fact, _because_ Dan was so young, he was still vulnerable and small and scared. He was just very good at hiding it.

Phil was filled with the sudden, irrepressible urge to wrap him up in blankets and feed him.

So he did just that.

“C’mere.” Phil got to his feet and waved Dan over to his bed.

Dan arched a brow, but Phil stopped him with a glare. “If you even _think_ about making any smart comments, Howell, I will not hesitate to chuck you out.”

Dan arched a brow, but he was chuckling. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Phil grunted, in the process of gathering his blankets and pillows off the bed, kicking the worst of his laundry under it. He dragged his desk chair over and used it as a prop, draping his covers over to create a little den.

Dan came over to his side – Phil could tell from his quiet breathing and rather lovely scent. “Um. What are you doing?”

“Making a blanket fort,” Phil answered, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Dan made a surprised noise in the back of his throat.

“You haven’t slept yet, have you?” Phil pointed out aggressively. “And your hotel is loud, and your trailer isn’t comfortable, you said that before.”

“Um. Yes?” Dan sounded adorably confused. “But I fail to see how any of that links to you making a blanket fort. Um. Have we time-travelled to you being five?”

Phil shoved his shoulder gently, crawling under the blankets to lay out some pillows. “No. Idiot.”

Dan folded his arms and glared at him.

“You need to sleep,” Phil explained himself slowly, “And I have to work, but not for like, four hours, because you woke me up so stupidly early.”

“You didn’t _have_ to pick up your phone.”

“My workplace sofas are not comfortable,” Phil continued loudly, “So you are going to stay here for today.”

Dan’s eyes widened.

“If you want, I mean,” Phil added gruffly. “Obviously you don’t have to. But – you can. While I’m at work, I mean. Only if you want to.”

Dan stayed there, standing over him with his arms folded, for a silence that stretched for far too long. Phil was starting to think that this had all been a terrible idea, and Dan was going to laugh him out of his life, when Dan suddenly gave a brilliant smile.

Not a smirk – his true, bright, crinkly-eyed smile.

“Alright, Lester,” Dan agreed with warmth in his tone. “But one thing first.”

Phil quirked a brow.

Dan dug into his pocket to pull out his phone, and his smile shifted into a wicked grin. “This is _totally_ going on Twitter.”

“ _Dan!”_

But – that was how they spent their morning. Curled up under a makeshift blanket fort, a little squashed together, with Phil’s laptop up playing more episodes of an old favourite anime. Not that Phil was watching. He was more interested in the warmth of Dan by his side, where their shoulders rubbed and their thighs touched, and the way Dan shifted against him every few minutes or tapped against his leg. Normally, it would be irritating to have someone who couldn’t stay still, but Dan looked too sleepy and content for Phil to grouch at.

When Phil had to leave for work, he edged out of the fort as quietly as possible, murmuring a soft goodbye. Dan had blinked sleepily at him, given a little wave, and then curled himself up under Phil’s blanket.

Phil couldn’t ignore the weird warmth lighting his entire body as he locked up and left.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m just gonna go ahead and apologise for the next few chapters. Thanks so much to mecaka for the help betaing this chapter and general motivation and encouragement!! You’re a complete star <3
> 
> Also shout-out to OvereducatedAndOverworked for the fabulous phanfic idea! Although warning, it contains TABINOF spoilers, so if you haven’t read it yet/seen the videos about it then skip the bit about phanfics. It’s only a couple of paragraphs and you won’t miss anything important

The next few days saw an end to Dan’s night-shoots, thankfully, which led to much more normal sleeping patterns for both Dan and Phil. Now when they met up, it would usually be in daylight, with Phil not grumbling about being woken too early and Dan managing to not look like a zombie. All in all, it was an improvement.

Not that things were suddenly spectacular – after all, Dan was still a lead in a major film, and a lot of his time was taken up on the set. In contrast, Phil’s PhD was beginning to rear its ugly head, and he found himself scrambling to work on his thesis with his supervisor constantly breathing down his neck. Phil had promised himself to get over this last hurdle before the coming week, when PJ had told him some post-production people were going to be on the set. Phil had to make sure he had free time to go and meet them. He just had to.

On top of that, he was still busy taking shifts at the bookshop. Lilith, thankfully, was a kind manager, and she didn’t seem to mind him randomly taking up corners of her shop with piles and piles of paperwork. He’d taken to simply working on his thesis at every spare minute, in between ringing up customers and stacking shelves.

It was on one such occasion that Dan showed up again. He’d made a habit of coming to spend his breaks with Phil, if Phil was too busy to wander around the city like they’d used to. Phil really should have been annoyed at the distraction, but he couldn’t bring himself to snap when Dan showed up with coffee and a muffin and a warm, distracting smile.

“You know, I think you’re actually going to die from book overload,” Dan commented upon entering to find Phil shacked up in a corner of the third floor, taking up three entire armchairs with books and paperwork.

Phil grunted. “Gimme one second to finish this sentence, and then I’ll happily gripe at you all day.”

A snort told him of Dan’s amusement, and then a steaming mug appeared under Phil’s nose. He made a desperate grab for it.

“Seeing you like this makes me really glad I gave up on education,” Dan snickered, delicately nudging some of the paperwork over so he could perch on the arm of one of the chairs.

Phil just grunted. He glanced up blearily once he was done typing, taking in Dan’s appearance over a sip of coffee. “You look better.”

“Are you saying I didn’t look good before?”

Phil groaned louder, and Dan chuckled. “You’re probably right, though. I actually got a full night’s sleep for the first time in ages.”

“I’m glad they’re finally giving you proper time off.”

“Hey, it’s not so bad,” Dan said softly. “Things are starting to click. There comes a moment where I feel like I really get the role, and it’s just easy. I’m there now.”

“Because that’s not arrogant at all.”

“You are the actual worst.” Dan nudged his foot into Phil’s side, but he was smirking.

Phil grinned back at him. He couldn’t help it – all it took was Dan walking into the room, and Phil would light up like a beacon. He could literally feel his work stress slipping off his shoulders, leaving him weightless and light and free. He almost felt like his PhD didn’t matter. (Which was dangerous thinking. Four years of his life should not feel less important than a man he’d known less than three months).

They chatted over their coffee, Dan spending his time ranting over some argument that Louise and Tom, his fellow actors, had got into. Phil listened happily enough. Dan always became so passionate when he was deeply involved in a topic, and Phil liked watching the way his brow furrowed and his tone snapped, voice occasionally cracking.

“I’ve never seen Louise yell so loud, honestly.” Dan shook his head.

Phil gave a shudder. From the few times he’d met Louise, he didn’t doubt that she’d be formidable in a fight. “She probably gave him nightmares.”

“Whatever. It was Tom’s fault in the first place.” Dan shrugged. “He was being a dick to Harry, so I was a dick to him. Then he tried to fight me and, well, Louise didn’t let that happen.”

“I’m glad someone else is looking after you when I can’t be there.”

“Oh, come on,” Dan argued hotly. “I’m a capable adult, you know!”

Phil simply sent him a disparaging look.

“Shut up,” Dan muttered, scooping his coffee back up. “I doubt you’d have been able to do much anyway, other than leering threateningly from the shadows.”

Phil spluttered. “Threatening?”

“Yeah, you know, with that whole ‘tall, dark, and handsome stranger in a dark alley’ thing you have going on.”

Phil’s spluttering got louder.

Dan watched him, raising one amused eyebrow. That look was dangerous. That look said Dan knew exactly how flustered his words were making Phil, and not in a bad way, either. The wriggling in Phil’s stomach was still new and terrifying, but he wasn’t afraid of Dan anymore. Not now that he mostly understood his confused mess of emotions.

In short, the situation with Dan was only growing more dangerous by the minute.

Eventually, Phil pulled his gaze away from Dan’s, turning back to his laptop. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Yes, you do.” Dan’s tone was full of light teasing. “But we can pretend you don’t if it makes you happier.”

Phil glowered at his laptop screen. “You are insufferable.”

“So you like to tell me.”

“Seriously, you are the worst.” Phil shook his head, making a shooing gesture at Dan from over a pile of books. “Go on, get away with you. I’ve got work to do.”

Dan chuckled. “My presence too distracting for you, is it?”

“Yes, actually,” Phil mumbled before he could stop himself.

Dan blinked. For a second, he actually looked startled (Phil allowed himself silent congratulations) but then he was smirking again, with that silly little side-smirk he pulled in all his posters. “Well, I should leave you be. I’m due back on set in a few minutes, anyway. You know – that place you used to come to all the time.”

“I’m coming back next week,” Phil rushed to say.

Dan perked up at that. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, PJ told me that some post-production people are coming then.” Phil couldn’t resist a slight dig. “You know, the people that actually do all the hard work to make the film look good.”

Dan’s face flattened into a glare. Phil just laughed at him.

Dan stayed for a few more minutes, continuing to chatter, and it was with a heavy heart that Phil eventually pushed him out of the door. He was already cutting it fine with his thesis deadline, and Lilith’s lenience only went so far with his actual, paying job. He spent the rest of the day working on his thesis every time there was a gap in the customer run.

Eventually, though, Lilith had to take a lunch break, so Phil left his books behind and traipsed down to the ground floor, taking up position behind the counter. Admittedly, he wasn’t majorly upset about leaving his thesis. As much as he loved his work, even he was starting to go glassy-eyed from reading the same sentences over and over again.

Phil leaned his elbows on the counter and let out a gusty sigh. The bookshop was quiet, at least – there were only a couple of people quietly browsing the crooked shelves. He could feel his eyelids drooping. The shop was pleasantly warm in the crisp, spring air, and all he really wanted was to find a cosy blanket to cuddle up under (the badger blanket was still lying in the store cupboard, just a couple of floors up, after all…)

And then came an excited squeal from just outside the front window of the shop.

Phil jumped up, at first worried that someone outside had been injured. His heart sank, however, when he saw two teenagers standing outside the bookshop, holding up a phone and staring at the sign with rapturous expressions.

Sure enough, his worst fears were confirmed when he heard the squeal again, accompanied by an excited shout, muffled slightly through the glass, “It is! It’s in the Tweet! It’s Phil’s bookshop!”

Phil’s stomach dropped down to his shoes. He backed up quickly when the two of them approached, matching excitement reflected in their features. They had a bit of a squabble over who was going to go in the shop first, in which Phil did the one thing he could think of to escape this situation.

He hid behind the counter.

Crouching, Phil heard the bell above the shop ring and the approaching footsteps of his doom. He gulped audibly. The counter wasn’t really very high, so he was forced to bend almost double so his gigantically tall frame wouldn’t be visible to the rest of the shop. His back was already aching after two minutes.

“Is he here, do you think?” One of the teenagers hissed.

Phil held his breath.

“I can’t see him,” the other answered excitedly, “But there’s an upstairs – let’s go look!”

“Alright, but _you’re_ going first.”

There was more muffled squabbling, but thankfully, it was getting further and further away from Phil. Once he heard the creak of the wooden stairs, Phil let out his breath and sank back against the counter, his head in his hands.

He probably shouldn’t have hidden from them. It was just – Phil was already confused about his relationship with Dan, and having such public attention wasn’t doing his nerves any good. Especially when it was partly his fault. He never should have started that stupid photo war.

Even if it was one of the reasons he and Dan were so close.

Phil scrubbed his hand down his face, groaning. His thoughts were all piling on top of one another again, getting too muddled in his own head. So he did the one thing he always did when he was caught in a confused mess – he called PJ.

“ _Yeah?_ ” PJ’s voice was cheery as he picked up the call.

Phil answered in a low whisper, “I may have made a mistake.”

“ _What? What have you done now?_ ”

Quickly, Phil outlined the situation, doing his damnedest not to let any colour rise to his cheeks. The back of his neck felt very hot, though.

PJ, predictably, burst out laughing.

“Keep your voice down!” Phil hissed. “They might still be here!”

“ _Sorry, mate, but this is right up there with the stupidest things you’ve ever done. Might even beat the rest, to be honest._ ”

“Oh, thanks.”

“ _Are they still upstairs?_ ” PJ’s tone was still amused, even as he calmed down a little.

Phil nodded, then realised PJ couldn’t see him. “Oh. Yeah. At least – I hope so?”

_“I hope so too. Is anyone else watching the shop_?”

“Lilith’s on lunch,” Phil hissed. He risked a quick glance over the counter and saw the rest of the ground floor thankfully empty. He breathed a low sigh of relief. “We’re not busy, though.”

“ _Well, that’s something at least._ ”

“Not much help, though, Peej.”

_“I’m getting there! Look.”_ PJ blew out a sigh, which didn’t give Phil very much confidence. “ _Ok, so, the way I see it, you have two options._ ”

“Yeah?”

_“Yeah. Either stay crouched behind that counter until they leave…_ ”

Phil grimaced.

“ _…Or you could dart outside now while they’re upstairs, hide around the corner, and then wait until they’ve gone. Only trouble is, that involves leaving your station._ ”

“I can’t do that! Lilith will kill me!”

“ _Alright, alright, maybe she would._ ” Mirth was bubbling in PJ’s tone. “ _Ok. Third option is you just stand up and face them, but I’m guessing you don’t want to do that_.”

“Not really, no,” Phil said, through gritted teeth.

“ _Well, then, looks like option one is the choice for you_.”

Phil groaned aloud. He was a 26-year-old adult. He should not be forced into hiding behind his work register, just because of a pair of teenagers.

“ _Look, mate, I’ve got to go_ ,” PJ whispered down the line, “ _Filming’s starting up again. Call me later, ok? And don’t be an idiot._ ”

“Me? As if,” Phil muttered as the call ended. He glared down at his phone, sliding it into his pocket and resigning himself to a very uncomfortable half-hour. “When have I ever been an idiot before?”

\---

PJ hung up the phone, sliding it into his pocket just as the director called for everyone to go back on set. Well, not quite everyone – this was a Louise-and-Harry-only scene, which meant that Xander waved him away from the camera. Close-ups were not PJ’s speciality yet, sadly.

PJ retreated back a few steps, unable to hide his grin. Only Phil Lester could get himself into such an awkward situation, and PJ was loving every minute of it. Did that make him a bad friend? He hoped not.

“What’s got you grinning so much?” The familiar voice of Dan Howell spoke from the shadows.

PJ jumped a little, placing a hand over his heart. “Way to tell me you were there!”

“Sorry.” Dan’s lips twitched and he pushed himself off the wall, making space for PJ beside him. Dan didn’t have too many people to keep him company here, what with him spending every spare minute he had with Phil. His closest friends were Louise and Harry, both of whom were currently filming. And he liked PJ (and no, not just because he was close with Phil).

“It’s your boyfriend’s fault, anyway.” PJ’s smile grew at Dan’s splutter. “He got himself into a bit of a fix.”

“Oh? He didn’t text me.” Dan pushed away the small slither of jealousy in favour of questioning PJ further. “Is he ok?”

“Yeah, yeah, or he will be once he’s stopped being harassed.”

Dan’s face dropped. Instantly, he was on guard, leaning forward to face PJ and lowering his voice. “What? _Harassed_?”

“It’s nothing that bad!” PJ replied hastily, casting a quick glance at the set. They were about to begin filming again, so he continued in a whisper, “Just a couple of teenagers found his bookshop andwent looking for him.”

Dan’s expression darkened.

“You’ll never believe what he did, though,” PJ chuckled, completely oblivious. “He heard them coming, so he hid behind the counter. He’s still there now, I think – trapped. Honestly, he’s an idiot.”

“I don’t blame him,” Dan murmured, already in the process of getting his phone out. “I once hid in a telephone box to escape a journalist.”

PJ spluttered.

“Did he say how they found the bookshop?” Dan continued breezily, tapping on his phone screen.

PJ blinked, still spluttering. “Uh – uh, no, but I expect from your Twitter war. The two of you have hardly been inconspicuous.”

“Yes, well,” Dan muttered. He tapped on his phone a bit more, then turned it to show PJ a Tweet that he’d drafted. “How’s this?”

_@danisnotonfire_ : stalking is not cool guys! This is all fun and games but pls don’t actually follow anyone home/at work @amazingphil and I are people too (alien emoji)

“Should do the job,” PJ agreed, “Not that it’ll help Phil much right now. I think he might actually be going into hiding.”

Dan’s face screwed up. He posted the Tweet, but oddly enough, he didn’t really feel much better. Phil was sad because of something Dan did. If Dan hadn’t waltzed into his life, then Phil would be living in comfortable obscurity, without having to worry about Dan’s rather enthusiastic fanbase.

“Don’t look so worried,” PJ said, his voice low, clapping his hand on Dan’s shoulder. Dan did his best not to move away from the touch. “Phil will be fine. He’s just a bit overdramatic.”

“If you say so.” Dan remained unconvinced. He knew what his audience could be like sometimes, and the last thing he wanted was for Phil to get scared off again. Dan was finally beginning to feel like he was growing closer to Phil, even if it was a constant dance not to accidentally say the wrong thing and scare him off again.

Dan almost wanted to roll his eyes at himself. He never would have bothered with someone as much as this before. Putting effort into relationships wasn’t something Dan was particularly good at, but Phil was just … different. Being around him was effortless in a way being around everyone else was like work. Dan really didn’t want to lose that.

Before he could do anything else, though, the next scene was being called, and Dan was actually in this one. PJ waved him onto set with another bright grin, but Dan still had a heavy heart as he went to take his place at Louise’s side.

\---

The teenagers were gone – or at least, Phil was ninety-eight percent sure they had. He’d heard a pair of slow, reluctant footsteps earlier, accompanied by their voices, and then the tinkle of the bell, so he assumed he was safe. He hadn’t yet emerged from behind the counter, though, as he was still feeling a little nervous.

Not that he really had any reason to. He’d interacted with Dan’s fans before, and for the most part, they’d been lovely. He just didn’t think he could face the attention, not when he was at work and supposed to be doing his thesis and still mostly confused about what his relationship with Dan actually _was_.

When he finally gathered up his strength to stand up, the bookshop was empty. Phil let out a little sigh of relief. He leaned his elbows on the counter, mind wandering back to the pile of work waiting for him upstairs. His brain was still feeling mostly fried, and Lilith wasn’t back yet. It wouldn’t hurt too much to have a bit more of a break.

Just then, his phone buzzed in his pocket.

Phil tugged it out with a slight wrinkle in his brow, but he broke into a smile when he saw a new Tweet from Dan. Specifically, one telling his fanbase to back off a bit. PJ must have told him about Phil’s predicament – though hopefully not in too much detail.

Holding back a slight smile, Phil typed out a text and sent it off to Dan’s phone.

**Phil** : thanks for the Tweet ^_^ I’m ok though honestly!! Also I hope PJ didn’t tell you everything

When no reply was immediately forthcoming, Phil tapped back onto Twitter, shifting to sit in an armchair to give himself a bit of a break. If a customer appeared, he’d go and help them, but while it was so quiet and he practically had the place to himself, Phil decided he was going to put his feet up. He went back to Dan’s Twitter page, smiling a little at the crazy number of responses Dan’s latest Tweet had already had. He scrolled through a few, leaning back and getting comfortable.

_@dansfans101_ : @danisnotonfire @amazingphil oh no!! Hope you’re both ok!!

_@howellester_ : @danisnotonfire @amazingphil some people just have no respect soz guys we aren’t all like that

_@phanislove_ : stop stalking @danisnotonfire and @amazingphil guys ok we all ship them but CALM DOWN

_@phantasticphotos_ : ok this protective stuff is cute and all but where has my photo war gone? @danisnotonfire @amazingphil #phan

Phil was smiling before he knew it. As scary as all the attention was, it was sort of nice to see the amount of support he and Dan had out there. Even if the idea of ‘shipping’ was still a bit terrifying, Phil was starting to get used to the idea. Plus, they were mostly harmless.

Besides, the last person was right – they’d definitely been slacking on the photo war. Phil resolved to snap a photo of Dan next time they were together.

Curiosity piqued, Phil hesitated for a moment before clicking on the hashtag in the last Tweet, which took him back to the shipping page for him and Dan.

#phan, it turned out, had grown quite a bit since the last time Phil had braved its pages. There was an increase in fanart of the two of them, a lot of which was actually quite adorable. Phil could mostly see which ones to skip, too, instead focusing on the cuter ones. There seemed to be a lot of them cuddling, and also an influx of Phil wrapping Dan in a blanket (though he supposed he’d invited that, with his last Tweet of Dan asleep under the badger blanket).

Phil was smiling as he scrolled through, happy – at least until he came across a link to something called a _phanfic_.

Immediately, his throat tightened. With trepidation in his gut, he clicked onto the link and bit down hard at what he was taken to.

It was another website – one with several fictional stories uploaded onto it, mostly focusing on his relationship with Dan.

Phil’s throat froze. He read through a few of the descriptions, freaking out internally at the sight of such things. One of the ones he clicked on was a deeply serious story about Phil’s death (much to his horror), only then he turned out not to be dead and instead turned into a vampire who continued to stalk Dan at his own funeral. It ended with Dan begging Phil not to turn him, but Phil refusing and going ahead with sinking his teeth into Dan’s neck.

Phil closed out of it with a shudder.

The next one, however, was even worse. The tone was a bit lighter, clearly more humorous in its intent, but it depicted a vaguely horrifying tale of Dan and Phil living together in an apartment, with Phil having a hand growing out of his chest. Phil called Dan _D-Slice_ (which, ok, that was fairly cool, maybe he should start doing that in real life), only for the story to end with the creepiest twist in existence with Harry Styles coming out of Phil’s chest.

Phil felt more than a little horrified as he closed the tab and swiftly deleted it from his phone’s internet history. He was never, ever, going back on that website. The fact that Dan’s fans were taking this so far already, based on what little of Dan and Phil’s ‘relationship’ there was – what would happen if they ever did actually go a little further?

Phil shuddered, tearing his thoughts away from that line before he could bury himself too deep. He wanted to hide behind the counter again.

But he wouldn’t do that, because he was a functioning adult with an actual life and he was bigger than a few internet comments.

Besides, the stories weren’t _bad_ , exactly. Just – weird. It was weird to read about him and Dan like that. The two he’d read hadn’t been the most intimate, either – he’d hastily skipped past a few of the tags that looked a bit more dangerous, especially to his confused mind.

Phil chewed on his lip, on edge and afraid. He didn’t like this. He didn’t like seeing his and Dan’s relationship speculated about so openly – not when they didn’t know what they were yet. Phil shuddered at the thought of having that conversation.

Maybe – and his heart tore at the thought – but maybe he and Dan should lay off a little. They shouldn’t see each other as much – or at least, they shouldn’t be as obvious about their friendship.

Because, Phil reminded himself harshly, that was still all they were – friends. They’d never discussed anything else. Phil liked being Dan’s friend, and he could probably ignore the weirder parts of him that seemed to want something different. It would be for the best, right? So, biting back any doubts, Phil tugged his phone out of his pocket and typed out a new text to Dan. With that done, he determinedly shoved his phone in his pocket and went on with his day. Lilith would be back very soon, and then he’d be free to go back to work on his thesis. Everything would be ok.

**Phil:** I think maybe we should quieten down a bit. It would probably be for the best. You understand, right?

\---

Dan was _angry_.

He’d had a long, tiring day of filming, made even more difficult by the fact that he was in every single scene with Tom. Dan was sure he’d like Tom on any other set – he admired Tom’s other work, he was usually in martial arts films – but here, Tom seemed to have it out for him. Dan, of course, understood Tom’s frustration, he had the smallest part and was stuck playing second fiddle to Dan, who was several years his junior and certainly nowhere near as experienced. But, well, that wasn’t _Dan’s_ fault. Surely Tom could be a bit nicer to him.

After the last scene of the day, Dan stomped his way back to the trailer he shared with Harry, changing back to his normal clothes as quickly as he could. The other actor was only a year or two older than Dan, and this was his first proper film set. Dan liked him, but his constant excited chattering grated on his nerves a bit.

“See you tomorrow, Dan!” Harry called as Dan stamped his way back out of the trailer. “I think we’re doing the lake scene! Isn’t that great?”

“Yeah,” Dan answered through gritted teeth. The lake scene – oh yes, getting drenched in the freezing Manchester weather, his absolute favourite way to spend a day. Dan desperately wondered if he could call in sick and have his stunt-double do it for him.

“You look a bit roughed-up.” Louise’s familiar voice invaded Dan’s headspace, and he managed to summon up a smile from somewhere as he looked up to greet her. She was back out of costume, looking comfy in jeans and a long cardigan, even with her hair still done in fancy braids. She hummed in sympathy. “It’s been a long day, huh?”

“Tell me about it.” Dan slowed his steps to allow her to catch up.

“Well, don’t worry,” Louise patted his shoulder gently, “I’m sure things will calm down.”

“With Tom around? Not likely.”

“I suppose he is a bit of a handful.” Louise sighed. “My five-year-old behaves better, honestly. Want me to have a word with him?”

“No, no,” Dan clicked his tongue, reaching into his pocket to dig out his phone. “I’m sure he’ll calm down eventually.”

“He’d better. He’s going to scare off Harry.”

“I’m sure you’ll look after him.” Dan paused, a frown furrowing his brow as he stared at the two new texts sitting on his phone screen.

**Phil:** thanks for the Tweet ^_^ I’m ok though honestly!! Also I hope PJ didn’t tell you everything

**Phil:** I think maybe we should quieten down a bit. It would probably be for the best. You understand, right?

Dan’s brows furrowed. The first text had him itching to smile, wanting to finally relax in the knowledge that he might have done something _right_ with Phil, but then the second text was like getting drenched in cold water. Why one earth would Phil want them to _quieten down?_ What did that even _mean?_ He and Phil weren’t exactly being loud about anything - in fact, the _opposite_ was almost true.

For a while now, Dan had wanted nothing less than to proclaim to Phil everything he was desperately keeping under wraps. Every time he was around Phil, the itch under his skin grew. The way Dan’s stomach clenched every time Phil smiled, and how Dan liked to tease Phil and then watch him huff and grump until Dan made him laugh again, even the way that Phil tended to hover _way_ over-protectively if he was worried Dan was working too hard - these were all things that endeared Phil to Dan. Dan was finding it harder and harder to bite his tongue.

But what could he do? As far as he knew, Phil might not even _want_ a romance with him - and even if he did, it was clearly a new emotion to him. Dan had been reading up on demiromanticism ever since Phil explained that’s what he was, and it seemed like it must be new and scary to Phil. The _last_ thing Dan wanted was to freak Phil out any more.

But then, why on _earth_ would Phil text him asking him to _quieten down?_ Dan was already being so quiet he was basically a baby mouse.

Frustrated, Dan blew out a sigh from between pursed lips. He paused in replying to Phil, really unsure of what on earth he was supposed to say to that.

Louise, it appeared, had noticed his dilemma, as she peeked over his shoulder and squeaked, “Oh! It’s Phil! I wondered who had you so distracted.”

Dan instantly hid his phone screen. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Sure you don’t.” Louise looked amused. “Tell me everything.”

Dan rolled his eyes. He tucked his phone firmly back into his pocket – as much as he liked Louise, she was a bit of a gossip, and they’d only known each other a few months. They weren’t anywhere _near_ close enough for Dan to consider asking her advice about boy trouble.

There was only one person who he would consider telling, in fact, but Dan was a bit hesitant to call him.

“Alright, all mysterious, I like that.” Louise tapped the side of her nose, proceeding to almost fall over in the street. Dan caught her with a snort.

“It’s hardly mysterious,” he pointed out. “I just – well. We don’t really know what we’re doing, yet.”

“Alright, alright, consider my lips sealed.” Louise gave him a conspiratorial wink before changing the subject. They chatted easily for the rest of the walk back to the hotel, and then Louise waved him goodbye, and Dan was finally able to escape into his own room.

He settled into his bed, chewing on his lip as he surveyed the texts on his phone. Needless to say, he was confused. Phil had clearly seen his Tweet – did he not think it was enough? Was he getting followed home, or something? Or had other people found the shop, even _after_ Dan’s Tweet?

Narrowing his eyes, Dan typed out a reply.

**Dan:** Um. Go quiet how? Glad you liked my tweet it should get them off your back anyway (and yes PJ told me everything)

The reply didn’t take any time at all to come through, surprising Dan.

**Phil:** I just really think we need to have a break

Dan’s eyes widened, his stomach sinking. A break? A _break_? Oh, he was going to kill Phil. A break from what, exactly?! It wasn’t as if they were even _doing_ anything – at least, not by Dan’s measurements. He knew Phil must be working off a different, set, though, and Dan was really trying to understand. It just didn’t help when Phil wouldn’t bloody _talk_ about it.

Dan blew out a frustrated sigh. He rolled over, thinking of a few possible replies, but none of them sounded right. He didn’t know what was going on in Phil’s head, and he didn’t know how he was supposed to get inside of it either, without literally forcing Phil to talk to him.

With a groan, Dan did the only thing left he could think of – he called the one person he always went to for boy trouble. Tyler.

Thankfully, Tyler picked up quickly. “ _Well if it isn’t my long-lost roommate! I thought you’d forgotten me_.”

“Shut up.” Normally, Dan would have a much more eloquent, well-thought-out response, but right then he was too wired for their usual verbal sparring. “I need advice.”

“ _Well, of course, what else would you call me for?_ ” The sarcasm practically dripped down the phone. “ _Tyler, how I have missed you, Manchester just isn’t the same without you, filming is such a nightmare without your constant witty comments…_ ”

“Witty comments? I think you mean avid distractions.”

“ _Whatever, you miss me. I can tell._ ” There was evident concern behind Tyler’s words, though, despite his inherent teasing. “ _What’s up?_ ”

Dan closed his eyes, painfully aware of just how much his next words would make him sound like a teenage girl. “Ok. So. There’s … this guy.”

“ _Oooooooh._ ” Tyler’s voice was positively delicious. “ _Tell me everything, Daniel._ ”

Dan closed his eyes, internally debating whether or not this was even a good idea. Things with Phil felt – private. Private in a way that very little in Dan’s life was. However, he had no doubt that, were he at home, he’d already have told Tyler everything. This wasn’t really any different. Was it?

“So,” Dan started slowly, and then the words came tumbling out. “He’s kind of an asshole. Or he was at first. Didn’t even care who I was, thought I was some big-shot with an ego, you know?”

“ _Well, he’s not wrong._ ”

“Tyler!”

“ _Sorry, sorry. I care about you and your feelings. Carry on._ ”

“Thanks,” Dan huffed, but he carried on regardless. “Only then we got close – like, we keep getting closer. He’s a friend. A really good friend.”

“ _Scandalous, Dan._ ”

“Shut up. And, like.” Dan bit his lip, debating, but then decided against telling Tyler about Phil’s sexuality. That wasn’t really his business, and with how skittish Phil still was, Dan doubted he’d appreciate having Dan spreading it around. Even if he knew Tyler wouldn’t tell anyone. Plus, that wasn’t even his issue with Phil right now.

Trouble was, Dan didn’t know what the issue _was_.

“ _Yes?_ ” Tyler prompted after a moment. “ _Does he have some horrid past? Killed his mother, or something?_ ”

“Tyler! No! What do you take me for?!”

“ _Well, I can think of very little reason for you not to already be in his pants, so._ ”

Dan spluttered. Thinking about Phil that way kind of felt – wrong. Was it wrong? Phil would probably be uncomfortable with it.

“ _Dan?_ ” Tyler prompted again.

Dan sucked in a breath. Time to bite the bullet. “So, yes, I like him.”

“ _You go, girl!_ ”

“Shut up. We were getting close, I think we were finally getting somewhere, but then,” Dan let out a frustrated sigh, “He’s gone into hiding on me again.”

“ _Into hiding?_ ”

“Yeah.”

“ _Ok, I know you’re bad, but he can’t have figured that out so quickly_.”

“Thanks. And I don’t think it’s me? I don’t know.” Dan sighed, tugging one hand through his hair. “He doesn’t like attention much, and the media, and Twitter—”

“ _Oh, wait, wait, wait!”_ Tyler suddenly sounded very excited. “ _Is this the Twitter guy? The one you’ve been snapping photos of at every possible second?”_

“It hasn’t been every possible second—”

“ _Oh, he’s cute! I give you permission to like him_.”

“Thanks,” Dan said, dryly. “Now back to the problem at hand – he got weirded out earlier, some people found his bookshop, stalked him at work. Because of me. And so I put out this Tweet—”

“ _Oh, is that what your bizarre thing this morning was? Because that’s really precious. As is him working in a bookstore._ ”

“—Yeah, ok,” Dan drew in a breath, “But he seemed fine after that? Sent me a text saying thanks. And then barely an hour later he’s sending me a text saying we need to go on a break.” Dan huffed, finally letting some of his frustration out. “A break from what, though? We aren’t even together! Sadly!”

Tyler was silent for a moment, replying slowly. “ _So – you’re calling me because he isn’t talking to you?_ ”

“Sort of. Yeah. I guess?”

“ _So why exactly aren’t you talking to him about that?_ ”

“Because,” Dan huffed, “You are my roommate, and my best friend, and you’ve dated guys before.”

_“I’m flattered you’re finally recognising my prowess._ ”

“My point is, can you help me?” Dan’s tone was almost a whine at this point. “I have no idea what’s going on with him.”

“ _Oh, Dan, you have so much to learn_.”

“Yes, yes, you’ve said before.”

“ _Which is why you need me. But honestly, Dan, you just need to talk to him. From what you’ve told me, he’s adorably insecure, and you’re going to have to be the one to make the first move.”_

“How can I?” Dan asked miserably. “I just keep scaring him off. I don’t even blame him.  It’s entirely my fault he’s freaked out in the first place.”

“ _Dan,_ ” Tyler’s tone was sympathetic, “ _It isn’t your fault. He’ll know that, if he’s any kind of decent person._ ”

“He is,” Dan whispered. “He’s the best kind of person.”

“ _In that case, just go and see him. The two of you need to be honest with each other – you tell him exactly what dating a famous actor is going to entail—_ ”

“I’m not that famous. And we’re not dating.”

“ _—And he needs to tell you if he’s ok with that. The only way you’ll move forward if you both know where you stand.”_ Tyler sounded proud of himself. _“Then you can get on with getting in his pants, and the insufferable Twitter flirting can end. Also, does he have a brother?_ ”

“I’m hanging up now.”

“ _You do you, Howell. You’ll be fine. Tell me everything later._ ”

“Bye, Tyler.” Dan softened his tone a little. “…Thanks.”

_“No worries. I want details later. Go talk_.”

Dan drew in a careful breath when the call ended, bouncing the phone up and down in his hands. He knew Tyler was right, annoyingly, and the only way to really fix this would be to have (another) open conversation with Phil.

Dan honestly didn’t know how much more of Phil’s freaking out he could handle. He didn’t want Phil to be uncomfortable because of him – that was the last thing Dan wanted.

So he typed out a text to Phil, gnawing on his lower lip as he tried to get the tone right.

**Dan:** I mean, I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable but is everything ok? Can we talk about this?

The reply, thankfully, came through seconds later. Dan wondered if Phil had been sitting by his phone, waiting for Dan to reply…

Only, no, because Phil wasn’t a teenager anymore. Dan was probably the only adult still stupid and insecure enough to do that, right?

**Phil:** It’s nothing you’ve done

**Dan:** so what is it then? Can I come over?

Typically, Phil’s next reply took much longer to come through. Dan flopped backwards, letting out a huffy sigh. He was trying, here. Honestly, he was. Why couldn’t Phil see how hard this was for Dan, when he wasn’t used to letting anyone close to him?

When the reply did come through, it wasn’t anything Dan was happy about.

**Phil:** It’s late and you have an early start tomorrow. Go to sleep

Before Dan could get too morose about that, though, another text was coming through which placated him slightly.

**Phil:** But I’ll come by the set on my lunch break tomorrow?

**Dan:** You’d better and we are going to talk about whatever the hell it is you’re freaking out over this time

**Dan** : Promise me. No excuses

The reply, again, took a few minutes in coming, and Dan tapped his phone against his chin, worry churning away in his gut.

**Phil:** Promise. No excuses. See you tomorrow

**Phil:** Now really go to sleep or you’re going to hate yourself in the morning

Dan’s lips twitched despite himself. For someone who was making all of this so difficult, Phil was a hard person to stay mad at. Especially when he constantly did sweet things like looking after Dan or going all protective on him. Dan didn’t think he’d ever forget the way Phil made him a blanket fort because he was sleepy, or how easily he wrapped him in a blanket because he looked cold.

Whatever Phil’s problem was this time, Dan was determined to fix it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It felt very ironic writing this chapter … in a phanfic … xD oh well it’s AU I’m sure it’s fine, right? ^_^


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say thank you so much to everyone leaving me comments on this story! I’m sorry I haven’t been replying but I read them all and I treasure all your words, seriously, you’re all lovely supportive people, thank you so much <3 
> 
> Also sorry this chapter is late, I was pretty sick but I’m on the mend now, and this chapter is hugely long to try and make up for missing a week ^_^ you can always follow me on tumblr, I tend to post there if things are going to be late. URL is ineverhadmyinternetphase
> 
> Thank you SO MUCH to mecaka for once again being the best beta I could have asked for and getting me through this chapter <3

Phil approached the film set with trepidation twisting in his gut.

He hadn’t spoken to Dan since last night – the lack of a morning text had been painful. Phil couldn’t blame Dan, though. He knew Dan wouldn’t wait around forever, which was partly why Phil was going to force himself to talk to him properly. Or at least, he hoped to. His mouth was still drying up every time he thought about it.

On top of that, this week was when some people involved in post-production were supposed to be coming to the set, which did nothing to allay Phil’s fears. PJ had texted him that morning, excitedly saying that the people had already arrived. Needless to say, Phil was terrified, but excited. He wasn’t really sure what he could do, but meeting them would be more than exciting. Phil had always wanted to see how professional editors worked – he took pride in the few bits he did, and his PhD was his pride and joy, but Phil really wished he could get some proper experience. Even if that couldn’t happen here, he’d at least get the chance to talk to some people in the business.

Despite that, he was tainted with nerves as he edged past the ROAD CLOSED sign and made his way up towards the set. Thankfully, there weren’t many people waiting outside today, but Phil still ducked his head low and curled his body inwards, trying to appear as inconspicuous as possible. He didn’t like the thought that there might be people around snapping photos – not after what his latest Twitter venture had brought him.

He was filled with a mix of relief and disappointment when Phil arrived to see Dan mid-filming. On the one hand, he couldn’t talk to Dan and get whatever he wanted to sort out over with – but on the other hand, he got to watch Dan performing his art. And Dan truly was a performer.

Phil leaned against the wall, keeping quiet, and watched the scene unfold. Dan’s character was loudly proclaiming his love for Princess Estelle, in one of the more climactic moments of the story – from what Phil could gather, they were doing the scene where the knight Dean finally proclaimed himself as the only true companion that Estelle could rely on. It was heartbreaking – Estelle turned him away, which eventually led to Dean going on to sacrifice himself just for Estelle. She realised last minute, though, and went to save him, leaving him the eponymous ‘Last Man Standing’. It was one of Phil’s favourite sections of the book.

Watching Dan deliver the performance was perhaps one of the greatest privileges Phil could have asked for. Watching him act allowed Phil to forget some of his upset and worry and instead just delight in watching a talented actor bring a wonderful story to life. Phil felt himself relaxing, allowing himself to slow down and enjoy watching Dan.

The set was silent apart from Dan and Louise. The smoke machines had done their job well, and the atmosphere was curdled with wisps of grey that mixed with the drizzly film that constantly covered Manchester’s cloudy sky, clinging to Dan’s hair and making it curl slightly. Phil was entirely captivated by him.

So much so that he didn’t see PJ until his friend was literally right on top of him.

“Earth to Phil Lester!” PJ hissed, keeping his voice low so as not to disturb the filming. “Anyone in there?”

Phil gave a giant start, overbalanced, and had to dramatically fling a hand against the wall to keep himself upright. PJ rolled his eyes heavenward. “If you were actually paying attention to your surroundings, that wouldn’t have happened.”

“I was paying attention!” Phil whispered back. “I was just – momentarily distracted.”

“’Momentarily’, sure.” PJ snorted. “And how is Dan doing? Did you sort everything out?”

Phil grimaced. As far as he was aware, absolutely nothing was sorted out. Dan was probably mad at him, but Phil _needed_ some space. He couldn’t deal with the constant attention from the press or the way he had no privacy all of a sudden, not even in his place of work.

PJ sighed softly as the scene was finally called to an end, clapping Phil’s shoulder. “Don’t screw this one up, mate.”

Phil wrinkled his nose. “Your confidence in me is inspiring.”

“I mean it, though. You deserve some happiness.” PJ leaned into his side, and Phil was pleased to have his comforting presence right there. “You’ll have to talk to him.”

“Believe me, I know,” Phil muttered.

“And sorry I didn’t tell you, but the editing people have had to go – but they’ll be around all day tomorrow.” PJ glanced over to where Xander was waving him back towards the camera, and he grimaced. “I’ve got to go – Xander is even more unforgiving now I’m on the payroll.”

Phil waved him off, watching him head back into place with Xander, but then his eyes slid with unerring accuracy back to Dan. Dan was currently grouped together with Louise and a couple of the costume people, but Dan’s eyes were fixed straight on Phil.

Phil felt a tug in his stomach.

As their eyes met, Dan’s lips twitched up slightly, and Phil could feel warmth seeping slowly through his veins. There it was again – the inevitable pull towards Dan, the constant need to be near him. Phil tried to shake away those thoughts. He had a feeling he’d need a clear head for this conversation.

Dan murmured one more thing to Louise, then turned and started walking towards Phil. Phil resisted the urge to run away – he had to start facing up to his feelings about Dan. He’d made a habit of running every time something new turned up, but he was getting tired of it, and he was sure Dan must be, too. If Dan wanted to talk about it, then Phil would make sure he talked.

“Hey,” Dan murmured as soon as he was close enough.

Phil swallowed.

“Don’t look so scared,” Dan rolled his eyes a little, “I said I wanted to talk, not eat your family.”

Phil bit back a snort. There Dan went again – making everything easier for Phil, keeping him comfortable, bending over backward to make sure Phil was alright. It wasn’t fair on him, Phil knew, but he didn’t know how to balance their relationship.

“C’mon,” Dan murmured, placing a hand on Phil’s arm and leading him to the very edge of the set. They were much more out of the way here, but Phil was still a bit nervous about the proximity of the various people milling about the set. Dan’s eyes were calm as he looked at Phil, and his grip was warm on Phil’s arm. “So, Phil. Talk to me. What happened?”

Phil bit down on his lip. He didn’t even know where to start.

Dan let out a small sigh, and Phil’s stomach twisted. Was he being too difficult? Why was Dan even putting up with all of his nonsense?

“Look,” Dan started after a moment of awkward silence, “I get that maybe you don’t want to talk about this. And I’m sorry for forcing you to. But – I’m a bit confused here, ok?”

Phil blinked at him. “Confused about what?”

“About you!” Dan gestured to him. “Look, Phil. In case you seriously haven’t been picking up on this, I actually care about you a little bit. And I want to make sure you’re comfortable.”

Phil’s eyes widened a little, his heart doing a funny little skip.

“The thing is,” Dan rushed on, “I need to know what it is that’s making you uncomfortable. So I can make it better.”

“You don’t need to make it better,” Phil spoke through a smile.

Dan smiled back, slowly. “Well, maybe I want to.”

Phil blinked again. Somehow, every conversation with Dan included something unexpected – something he hadn’t seen coming. Maybe he was just immensely stupid, but he hadn’t thought Dan was this invested in his well-being.

“It was just,” Phil started, grimacing slightly, “Just when those girls showed up at the shop – I didn’t feel like I had any space. You know?”

“Believe me, I know,” Dan stated sternly. “But, Phil – that just comes hand in hand with knowing me, I’m afraid. I told them to back off, and I don’t want them making you uncomfortable, but – but it’s a fact of my life.”

Phil frowned, reaching out to grip Dan’s hand where it stayed on his arm. “You’re trembling.”

“Yes, well,” Dan murmured, “Doesn’t matter.”

“But—”

“The point is, Phil,” Dan continued loudly, “If you don’t want to deal with any of this, then – then maybe you shouldn’t hang out with me. I’d understand.”

Phil’s eyes widened. “What?”

“I mean, I get not wanting the attention. I get annoyed by it too, sometimes, but it isn’t fair that you should have to deal with it.” Dan stared down at the ground, deliberately avoiding Phil’s gaze. “I mean, if that’s what you want.”

Phil stared at him. After a moment, he asked, “Is that what _you_ want?”

“I—” Dan looked up again, finally, and his gaze caught onto Phil’s in a way that made Phil’s breath catch. Dan’s expression softened slightly, but he looked resigned. “No, Phil. If I’m honest, it’s not what I want.”

Phil nodded slowly.

“It may be selfish,” Dan continued quietly, “But I like having you around. Having said that, your comfort is more important. I survived without you before – I’m sure I could manage again.”

“No,” Phil said immediately. He didn’t like the sound of that at all. Dan coping without him? No, no way. Phil didn’t want to let Dan out of his life.

Dan stared at him, one brow arching. “No?”

“No,” Phil insisted, “I don’t want that.”

Dan blinked. A slow smile spread across his face. “So – and be clear, Lester, because you have a tendency not to say what you mean –”

“I say plenty,” Phil mumbled, even while knowing Dan was right.

“--Sure you do, but I have to know - what exactly is it that you want?”

Phil drew in a slow, careful breath. His hand was still on Dan’s, and he shifted just slightly to lace their fingers together. He took a little bit of pride in the way Dan’s breath hitched, and Phil loved the feeling of his fingers wrapped tightly around Dan’s.

“I’m saying,” Phil explained, looking up into Dan’s eyes, “That I don’t want to not see you anymore.”

Dan’s lips parted slightly. “But – I mean – are you _sure_?”

“Absolutely.”

“Even if the press will still be hanging around?”

Phil gave a light shrug. “I’m not that happy about it, but I can cope.”

“Can you, though?” Dan questioned him, his tone still a little stern. “Because it’s pretty intense. Every move is watched, and just now there’s a lot of interest around me, thanks to this film.”

Phil’s lips twitched. “Arrogant as ever, Howell.”

“Shut up.” Dan shoved Phil lightly with the hand that wasn’t still entwined with Phil’s. “I’m trying to help you here.”

“I know, I know. I’m grateful. Really.” Phil sidled a little closer, after casting a quick glance around to make sure no one was looking their way. “I’m sorry I keep freaking out. It’s just – this is all a lot to take in. For me. There are actual _fanfics_ about us now.”

Dan’s eyes softened further, and that something in Phil’s chest tugged. His thumb gently swiped against Phil’s palm. “I know. I know it’s a lot. Could we – um – could we talk about this some more?” Dan sounded nervous. “I mean – maybe not in public. It might be easier.”

Phil nodded hesitantly. “I think I’d like that.”

Dan peered at him closely. “I hope so.”

“I mean it,” Phil tried to reassure him, tightening his grip in Dan’s. A small smirk pulled at his lips. “Especially seeing as you _care about me_.”

Dan’s nose wrinkled. “I’m going to regret saying that, aren’t I?”

“Probably.”

Dan sighed, but he was smiling. Reluctantly, he withdrew his hand from Phil’s and stepped back. “So could I maybe come round later?”

“Please do,” Phil agreed, “I can order pizza if you want.”

Dan’s answering groan made Phil grin. Dan was getting called back on set, though, so he waved once more at Phil before striding back over to the Louise and the costume people.

Phil watched him go with a soft smile on his face. He stayed for just long enough to snap another photo of Dan and tweeted it with the caption _@danisnotonfire in his natural habitat again._

They’d been neglecting their photo war, and Phil had gone quiet on Twitter, but he was finally thinking that maybe he could be ok with that. It was still scary as hell, but if Phil got to keep Dan, then maybe things would be ok.

\---

Phil spent the day at his bookshop in a mess of nerves. He couldn’t quite focus on anything – he made so many mistakes with customers that Lilith eventually sent him up to the third floor to pack some more shelves instead. Phil gladly took the distraction. He didn’t really want to deal with people just then.

Instead, he spent his time among the books, and while that calmed him down, it also allowed his thoughts to wander. Right then, that wasn’t such a good thing, because Phil literally could not keep his mind off Dan. It was becoming a problem.

Phil gave his head a small shake. Worrying about Dan wasn’t going to help anything. The thing was – Phil wasn’t _worried,_ exactly. In fact, his fears had been mostly placated by their conversation this morning. He was aware that any kind of proximity to Dan would put him in the limelight, which Phil really didn’t want to deal with, but – but – Dan had said he cared about Phil.

Dan Howell actually cared about him.

Phil felt a smile rise unbidden to his lips as he slid another book into its rightful place. Dan Howell cared about _him._ The sentence felt vaguely surreal – as if it had bled through from a distant reality, a universal mistake that Phil was somehow benefiting from. Dan Howell cared about him. About _him_ – plain, old Phil.

Warmth flooded through him at the mere thought.

So no matter how scary the future became, Phil could feel himself beginning to relax. Dan Howell cared about him.

Trouble was, that sentence also came with a lot of other questions that Phil wasn’t so sure he wanted to face.

The idea that there might be something other than friendship between them – something that called for a deeper connection, a different type of love – that thought still terrified Phil. He’d never been able to picture himself in a relationship with someone before, but Dan… Dan was making Phil want to wake up with him every morning, to feed him and watch TV with him, to while away hours together doing nothing but sitting in each other’s company.

It was more intense than anything Phil had felt before, and that thought worried him. Especially when Dan wanted to come around later and talk about things some more. Phil was filled with nervous anticipation tainted with a large dollop of fear.

And yet – he was looking forward to it. Time with Dan away from the prying eyes of the public was hard to come by, and Phil treasured every moment of it he was allowed to get.

So, Phil set about sliding books into shelves, and spent his break time working on his PhD and texting Dan at the film set. Dan was coming over as soon as he was done filming for the day, which would give Phil enough time to get home and sort his flat out before he had company (which was very necessary, Phil had been in essay-writing hell for ages and his flat was showing signs of neglect).

When Phil’s shift was over, he waved a cheery goodbye to Lilith before quickly calling into the café next door for his favourite coffee. With the warm cup in his hands, Phil started his walk back across Manchester. He could hardly remember the days he used to get the bus into work – months ago, before the film set showed up and Dan inserted himself into Phil’s life. He’d grown to quite enjoy the walks across the city, the way the brisk, cool air woke up his tired thoughts. Maybe he wouldn’t go back to the bus once the film set was gone.

Phil’s eyes narrowed a little at that thought. Once the film set was gone, would – would Dan be gone, too? Phil had never bothered to ask where he lived. Was his base even in Manchester? Or would he be gone for good once the filming in Manchester was finished?

Phil didn’t like that thought much.

He shook his head, deciding to ignore thinking about it for now. He had some other things to sort out first – like what his relationship to Dan even _was._ Everything felt kind of fuzzy and blurred, and he was struggling to work out where he stood. All Phil really wanted was to know what _Dan_ wanted, because then he could work out how to provide it.

All these feelings were complicated, and Phil didn’t quite know how to cope.

Once he was back in his flat, Phil just barely had time to do a whirlwind clean before a soft knock at the door told him of Dan’s arrival. Phil drew in a careful breath, running a distracted hand through his hair. Nerves were still jumping around in his stomach. This was ridiculous – he knew Dan, they’d hung out loads of times before. He shouldn’t be almost hyperventilating just because of another visit.

When Phil opened the door, a sopping wet Dan Howell strode in straight away and flopped directly onto his sofa.

Phil blinked.

“I’m never getting up,” Dan spoke into his sofa cushions, “Literally, I am never moving again, and you can’t force me.”

“Um.” Phil slowly shut the door, then span around to face Dan. He tilted his head. “Why are you dripping all over my carpet?”

“Because my director is a sadist,” Dan answered calmly.

“Well, be that as it may,” Phil took several steps closer, until he was standing over Dan, “Who gave you permission to drip all over _my_ carpet?”

“ _You_ invited me over.”

“I didn’t realise you would be soaking wet.”

“Neither did I,” Dan grunted darkly. He rolled over, blinking his eyes open, and Phil was hit full-force with one of the fondest gazes he’d ever seen. Dan, with his hair curling and his eyes soft, staring straight up at him with the slightest smile on his face.

Phil was captivated.

“So,” Dan began to explain, still not moving from the sofa, “We had to film a lake scene, right—”

“Oh, the lake scene?” Phil perked right up. “You mean the bit where Dean dives to the bottom of a lake to recover the diamond? Lucas tries first, if I remember right, but he fails so Dean has to dive in to save him—”

“You would be right.” Dan shuddered. “But please don’t remind me.”

Phil was grinning as he perched on the arm of his sofa by Dan’s head. “You had to do a lot of swimming today then, I guess?”

“You have _no idea_.”

“Well, why didn’t you dry off before you left?”

“Because,” Dan whined, “I wanted to get away from there as quickly as I could.”

“…So you walked half-way across Manchester dripping wet?”

“Don’t remind me.”

“…Just because you wanted to come and see me sooner?”

“Don’t go getting arrogant,” Dan sniffed.

Phil’s grin was irrepressible. He reached down, tugging a finger lightly through Dan’s curls. “You can’t say something like that and then _not_ expect me to lord it over you.”

Dan mumbled something incomprehensible. His eyes slid closed again and he pushed his head further into Phil’s touch, surprising Phil momentarily. His hair was soft, if damp, and its curls were too tempting under Phil’s fingers. He tugged lightly.

Dan hummed.

Phil couldn’t stop himself from smiling. He ran his fingers gently through Dan’s hair, watching as the man all but melted into his sofa, eyes closed and face relaxed. He looked young and tired, but oh so handsome, and even though he was shivering he managed to look inviting. After a moment, Phil had to look away.

Abruptly, Phil got to his feet, emitting a small noise of discontent from Dan.

“Calm down, I’m just getting you a towel,” Phil responded gruffly, heading into his tiny bathroom. He emerged a moment later, holding the towel out to Dan, not quite meeting his eyes.

“Thanks.” Dan’s tone was amused, but he took the towel anyway. He ran it roughly through his hair, shaking his head, and Phil tutted when the droplets went all over the carpet.

“You’re worse than having a dog.”

“Frankly, I take that as a compliment.” Dan was grinning when he emerged from the towel with his hair all over the place.

Phil bit back a laugh. He reached into his pocket for his phone. “That is quite a look, Howell.”

“What are you doing?” Dan was suddenly full of suspicion, his eyes narrowing. “Phil? _Are you taking a picture?_ ”

“It’s for the good of Twitter!”

“ _Don’t you dare_!” Dan lunged for him, but Phil dodged, laughing, already having the photo saved on his phone.

Dan grumbled loudly, folding his arms. “This isn’t how you host someone, Lester.”

“Oh? You don’t think so?” Phil was still chuckling.

Dan sniffed. “Nope. I was promised pizza and warmth, not improper photos.”

“Hey, hey, I’ll still give you pizza.” Phil’s grin dropped, just a little. “…And I thought you wanted to talk.”

Just like that, the playful mood became sober again. Dan bit his lip, expression shifting into something slightly more serious as he eyed Phil carefully.

Phil almost wished he hadn’t said anything.

“I mean,” Dan started slowly, “I do. Want to talk. But not if you’re going to be uncomfortable.”

Phil lifted one shoulder slightly. “I think maybe I should start talking to you a bit more. I kind of – um. I might have a habit of running away.”

“ _Really_?” Dan’s words were thick with sarcasm. “Can’t say I’d noticed.”

“Alright.” Phil’s lips were twitching again. “Get comfy on the sofa. Get out whatever list you’ve probably written of questions you want to ask me—”

“I do not do that!”

“Have you got a list?”

Dan looked a little chagrined. “Um…”

Phil shook his head, smiling. “Right. So get that out, I’ll order pizza, and then we can chat. Sound good?”

Dan nodded a little sheepishly.

And thus began one of the strangest nights of Phil’s life.

Sharing a pizza with actual Daniel Howell was a strange enough occurrence in the first place – Phil got to see the ugly way he ate, the fact he got tomato dripping down his chin just like any other human, and the wild way his hair had dried. It made him seem much more – real, somehow. Not like a figment of Phil’s imagination.

That was both wonderful and terrifying because it made everything feel so much more _real_.

And then came Dan’s questions.

“So,” Dan admitted, “I might have a list.”

“I thought you might.” Phil rolled his eyes, taking another slice of pizza. He had a feeling he would need it.

Dan looked a little sheepish. “If I overstep the mark at any point – or, like, if I ask you something you don’t want to answer – that’s fine, ok? Just tell me, and I’ll move on.”

“I’m vaguely terrified.”

“You might have good reason.” Dan coughed, shifting awkwardly on the sofa cushions. “But just so you know – you can get out of the conversation at any point if you want to.”

Phil nodded. Oddly, that was actually quite reassuring. Phil was still nervous, but when he was right here, in Dan’s actual presence, his fear mostly fell away. It was hard to be scared when he saw what a complete dork Dan actually was.

“So.” Dan looked down at his phone screen, catching his bottom lip between his teeth. Phil settled into the sofa cushion next to him, his eyes trained on Dan’s face, enjoying this chance to study him. The bottom of Dan’s right cheek was sporting a spot of red, and he was determinedly avoiding Phil’s gaze as he spoke. “You already know – um – I mean. I already know what you’ve told me – about you. And, um, from what I gather, you maybe don’t want, like, a normal relationship.”

Dan’s voice cracked a little, in an entirely adorable way, and Phil decided to put him out of his misery. He leaned closer a little, putting a hand on Dan’s arm. “You’re right, and you’re wrong.”

“Huh?” Dan peeked up through his fringe, confusion in his eyes.

Phil held back a chuckle. “You’re right, and you’re wrong.”

“Not exactly helpful to know, Phil.”

“Right, sorry, let me just try and explain.” Phil’s forehead creased a bit as he tried to think. “…I know how you might think that, but – but I’m not _against_ a relationship.”

Dan’s eyes widened a little.

“Sure, there are maybe some things I’m not so interested in.” Phil’s face creased up a bit. “But – but there are some things I’m not against. Some things I actually kind of like.”

Dan stared at him. “Are you sure?”

“I – I think so?” Phil gave a half-shrug, a little helpless. “I’ve never been in this position before.”

Dan surveyed him seriously. “Because it wouldn’t matter. You know? If you didn’t want anything like that. That would be fine.”

Phil released a slow breath, surprised by the amount of relief that flooded through him. He didn’t feel like there was any pressure with Dan, and that what was giving Phil the confidence to keep going.

It was time to be completely honest. He owed Dan that much.

“Sometimes,” Phil spoke to his sofa cushions, avoiding Dan’s gaze, “Sometimes, I think about it.”

“You do?” Dan’s tone was soft.

Phil nodded helplessly. Fear was gripping his heart, but he felt like he needed to say this. He needed Dan to be on the same page as him. “Sometimes, I think – I see you on the film set and I wonder, what would it be like to call you mine? To be able to say, hey, see Daniel Howell? He’s tied to me. He’s _connected_ to me. And that probably sounds really weird—”

“No,” Dan’s hand was reaching out, hesitating. “No, it – I – carry on, please?”

Phil drew in a shaky breath.

He reached out to take Dan’s hand.

Dan twitched, eyes widening as he stared carefully at Phil, measuring him. Phil was still determinedly looking away, but he kept his fingers folded around Dan’s. “Sometimes,” Phil continued slowly, “I wonder what it would be like if you were here in the morning. I wonder what it feels like to hug you, or – or what you look like when you first wake up. I wonder how you sleep; if you like stealing all the blankets, if you prefer to be held or to be the one doing the holding. I wonder…”

Phil faltered, but Dan gripped his hand tight and gently drew his thumb against Phil’s palm. Phil closed his eyes and drew in another breath. “I wonder what it would feel like to kiss you. It terrifies me, but – but I think it would be good. I –” Phil swallowed, finally daring to peek up and look at Dan’s face. “I think I’d like that, Dan. But only if you would, too.”

Dan was looking at him as if he’d just admitted to having three heads. His eyes were wide, his lips slightly parted, his expression one of utter and complete shock. For a minute, Phil was afraid. But Dan’s fingers were still tight in his, and his thumb was still gently stroking Phil’s palm, and Phil was almost, _almost,_ ready to relax.

And then, Dan smiled, the kind of giant, crinkly-eyed smile that Phil had grown to love.

“You’re an utter idiot, Phil Lester,” Dan said fondly, and then he was leaning forward to capture Phil in a hug.

Phil fell into the embrace with a little noise of surprise, but his eyes soon closed as he found his face buried safely in Dan’s shoulder. He was relieved that Dan wasn’t taking this any further – Phil wasn’t lying when he said he was scared, he really wasn’t sure exactly how far he could take this, but Dan seemed to have an inherent understanding of Phil’s fears and swept them all right away. His arms were warm around Phil’s back, and he smelled _wonderful._

Phil nuzzled against him, tentatively lifting his own arm to wrap around Dan’s waist.

Dan chuckled softly against the side of Phil’s face, and Phil gave a tiny shiver. Then Dan was drawing back, just enough to speak, still much closer to Phil than normal, but still not quite close enough.

“In case you couldn’t tell,” Dan joked, eyes bright, “I want all that as well.”

Phil blinked. He looked dumbfounded for a moment, which only made Dan laugh harder. “Did you really have no idea? I thought you’d have guessed by now.”

“I—” Phil shook his head, confused. “I didn’t – I mean – don’t you want _more_?”

Dan tilted his head, studying Phil short-distance. “More how?”

“I don’t—” Phil waved his hand, unable to put his thoughts into words. He didn’t think he would ever be enough for Dan – how _could_ he ever be enough for Dan? Dan was _Dan Howell._ He could have anyone he chose. _Why_ would he settle for Phil?

Dan stopped his racing thoughts by lifting a hand to the side of Phil’s face, gently holding him in place. Phil was brought back to the moment, captivated by Dan’s soft, dark eyes.

“You’re enough, Phil,” Dan assured him quietly, and Phil’s heart sang. “You will always be enough.”

\---

Dan left later that night, after he and Phil had devoured the rest of the pizza and curled up together to watch a film. As it turned out, spending an evening wrapped in Dan Howell’s arms was even better than Phil had ever dared to imagine. He went to bed with a smile on his face for the first time in a long time, feeling warm and contented.

That feeling wasn’t to last, though.

Phil had the morning off from his bookshop, so he spent time in his flat battling with his PhD thesis some more. It was starting to take shape, but he had a long way to go before it would be anywhere near good enough to show to his supervisor.

Once his head started to pound, Phil pushed his thesis away and decided to set out early for work. That way, he could call into the film set first and see Dan again. Plus, PJ had mentioned the post production people being there again, and Phil would take whatever opportunity he had to meet them.

A small smile rested on Phil’s face as he thought about Dan. He’d never expected a confession like Dan had made last night - that Phil might actually be enough for him. Dan actually wanted to be with Phil.

At least, Phil was hoping that was what he meant.

On his way out of his building, Phil called into his favourite café for his usual coffee, pausing to get one for Dan as well. He was riding high on happiness, and he liked doing little things like that for Dan. Especially as the filming was stepping up, with his days getting busier and busier. Phil wanted to make more time to be there for Dan.

The approach to the film set was cold for an afternoon. Phil was glad of the two warm drinks he was holding, their heat warming his hands and stopping him from shivering quite so much. He sidled around the few people waiting by the ROAD CLOSED sign, keeping his head low, and ignored anyone who called out to him.

Filming was going on, but PJ was lurking in the background, and he waved when he caught Phil’s eye. “I suppose that isn’t for me?” He murmured, eyeing the second cup of coffee with a longing look.

“Sorry,” Phil whispered back. He was already turning towards the film set, trying to find Dan among the crowd. It was a busy scene today, with a lot of extras and all of the main cast involved. Still, Phil managed to pick Dan out, standing in the middle of it all, dressed in his full costume.

“Hey,” PJ nudged Phil with his elbow, nodding his head over towards a group of people by the cameras. “That’s one of the editors, up from London. Sarah, I think she’s called.”

Phil’s eyes brightened. “Yeah?”

“Yup. I can introduce you next time there’s a break.”

Phil nodded his head eagerly, already feeling nerves beginning to curl into his stomach. At least the woman didn’t look too frightening.

A few minutes later, a break was called, and the set was suddenly flooded with chatter and noise from the multitude of extras who were working today, along with the usual bustle of the set. Phil kept himself squirreled away in a corner with PJ, and they were soon joined by a disgruntled looking Dan who made grabby hands at Phil’s coffee.

Phil chuckled. “Calm down, I got you your own.”

“Gimme,” Dan demanded. He looked tired, and he sipped at the coffee like his life depended on it.

Phil narrowed his eyes. “Are they working you too hard again?”

“No, stop looking so worried.” Dan rolled his eyes. “It’s just a busy day. And I’m stuck working with Tom.” Dan’s face twisted in disgust.

PJ clucked his tongue in sympathy. “That guy really hates you, huh.”

“Thanks,” Dan said flatly.

“Don’t worry,” Phil started, turning to Dan with a soft smile. He reached out a hand ready to grip Dan’s arm, to comfort him, when PJ suddenly grabbed Phil’s shoulder and tugged him away.

“Phil, Sarah’s free now, c’mon!” PJ tugged at Phil’s arm, dragging him away from Dan.

Phil was pulled along helplessly. He sent a quick apology over his shoulder to Dan, who was standing there holding his coffee and looking very forlorn, before PJ whisked him away completely and he disappeared into the crowd.

Dan stood there, holding his coffee, and blinked at the empty space around him.

Well. So much for getting to talk to Phil.

Dan groaned slightly, dragging a hand across his forehead. Phil got to see PJ all the time – literally, they were best friends, they had years on Dan. And while Dan knew that there mustn’t be anything more going on between them, he admitted to feeling a little itch of jealousy tugging away at him for how much PJ got Phil’s attention.

“What’s got you looking so down?”

Louise’s voice pulled Dan out of his thoughts, and he looked up, plastering a smile on his face. “Nothing.”

“Come on.” Louise shook her head, moving into his space so Dan had to step back a little. “I think I’ve known you long enough now to tell that something’s up. Is it Tom?”

Dan shrugged. “He’s a pain.”

“He is,” Louise agreed, “But he’s nearly finished after today, just a couple more scenes I think.”

Dan admitted to feeling a little bit better at that thought – he could do without his fellow actor’s constant snide comments on Dan’s age and inexperience. Dan felt like he couldn’t afford to slip up at all in Tom’s presence, which led to him spending most nights sitting in his hotel room desperately learning his lines, brushing up on his knowledge, or just generally making sure he was as well prepared as he could be. It meant he was missing out on sleep, but he needed to do as good a job as he could.

Louise nudged Dan’s shoulder gently. “Hey. Are you sure it’s just Tom?”

Dan glanced down at his coffee, and then over towards where Phil had disappeared. Louise followed his gaze, guessing shrewdly. “Oh. It’s that handsome fan of yours, is it?”

“He isn’t a fan,” Dan was quick to defend Phil.

“No?”

“No. Almost the complete opposite, actually.”

Louise looked confused – which, Dan couldn’t blame her. He shook his head, and left the rest of his unfinished coffee on the side. “Never mind. Let’s just get back to work.”

“What, Dan the Avid Procrastinator, actually going back to work _early_? Now I know something’s wrong,” Louise joked, even as she took Dan’s arm in her own and walked with him.

Dan scoffed, but he’d be wrong if he said he wasn’t glad of her presence. Too long left alone, he’d only go dwelling on Tom being a prick, and on how easily Phil had slipped through his fingers again.

\---

Phil spent the better part of twenty minutes talking to Sarah from the post-production team. He completely lost himself in her world, listening with fascination as she explained the way they were planning to create the effects of magic during editing. Phil was fascinated. He was itching to come and see it getting done, and when PJ mentioned Phil’s PhD, Sarah had looked impressed and asked him to send her a portfolio.

So now Phil had the email address of someone who worked for a major editing company in London. Which, you know. Was pretty good.

Phil actually had to shove his fist in his mouth to stop himself from cheering aloud on his way to the bookshop. Lilith noticed his smile when he came in and arched a brow before sending him off to collect some boxes from the back, but Phil was too on top of the world to care. His life, finally, felt like it was on track. He had Dan, and his thesis was coming together, and now he had an exciting prospect for the future.

Phil was finally daring to think he might be happy.

Towards the end of his shift, he sent Dan a quick text asking how filming was going, as Phil hadn’t had much of a chance to speak to him earlier. Oddly, Phil felt as if he actually missed Dan. He was carrying around a little hollow in his chest where their conversations normally fit.

It took a while for Dan to reply, and when he did, the response was curt. Phil frowned, texting out a reply.

**Phil:** are you alright?

**Dan:** Yes

**Phil:** ok how about you tell me the truth this time?

The response took a little while to come, in which Phil packed up his belongings and waved goodbye to Lilith before starting on his long walk back home. The streets were busy, filled with people heading into the city for a night out. Phil was walking decidedly the other way, already thinking about his warm bed and the unwatched film waiting for him.

His phone buzzed, and Phil tugged it out of his pocket to see a response from Dan.

**Dan:** no I’m not alright because Tom keeps shouting at me and then I fluffed a line and I couldn’t get it right so they had to change scene and come back to it tomorrow only I can’t get my stupid words straight and Tom was laughing at me and I didn’t even get to finish your coffee earlier because you disappeared on me without saying hi

**Dan:** rude, btw

**Dan:** they’re sending me home early apparently I look too tired or something ugh

Phil bit back a smile. Despite how disgruntled Dan obviously sounded, he couldn’t help himself – there was something endearing about being the person Dan came to when he was grumpy.

**Phil:** Are you still on set?

**Dan:** for like five more minutes

**Phil:** Stay there

He sped up a little, weaving his way between the groups of people heading into town, and directed his steps towards the film set. No one was hanging around outside it at this time, so Phil was able to slip past the sign and up towards the cameras without getting noticed.

Dan was leaning against a wall just a little way in, his head hanging down between his shoulders, glaring at his phone. Phil’s lips twitched. He almost wanted to snap a photo to use in their photo war at some point in the future, but the more important thing right now was to get Dan smiling again, no matter how adorable his pout might be.

Phil edged his way up to Dan’s side and placed a hand on his arm, making him jump about a mile in the air. Phil’s grin only widened. “Hello.”

“Bastard,” Dan hissed. “You scared me.” He was looking a little pleased, however, moving subconsciously closer to Phil. Phil liked that – having Dan blindly following him.

“I thought you could come home with me,” Phil explained himself, glancing down suddenly. “I mean. Only if you want to.”

Dan chuckled. “I always want to come with you, Phil. But I really need to go over these lines, I don’t think they’ll let me screw them up more than once, and there’s another—”

“Dan,” Phil said firmly, “You’re going to come with me, and I’m going to feed you, and we can go over your lines together. If you really need to.”

Dan blinked at him. “Phil—”

“I’m not letting you go home on your own to stew in your misery, ok?”

Unbidden, a smile rose to Dan’s lips. “…Well, if you insist.”

Phil grinned at him and continued to tug him down the street. Dan kept easy pace beside him, and, after a minute, slid his fingers down until his hand was entwined with Phil’s.

Phil paused. Holding hands as they walked down the street – that was a bit – romantic? He bit his lip, unsure, but then Dan turned to him with worry in his brow and nervously asked, “Is this ok?”

Phil looked at him, at the way Dan was considering him so carefully, and he felt the jump of nerves in his stomach slowly start to settle down again. He drew in a careful breath, steeled himself, and nodded.

Dan’s face broke into a smile, and he tightened his hold a little. “Tell me the second you want me to let go.”

Phil nodded, starting to walk again. He kept his eyes carefully forward as he answered, “I’m not sure I’ll ever be saying that to you.”

He could practically feel Dan’s surprised happiness radiating from his side.

\---

When they made it back to Phil’s flat, Phil made good on his promise to make Dan some food – simple pasta, he didn’t have much in, but Dan assured him that it was the first time anyone had cooked for him in ages and that in itself made it worth about a hundred times more than any other meal could have done.

Phil felt oddly proud of that.

After they’d eaten, Phil tried to get Dan to agree to watch his film with him, but Dan shook his head with a laugh and waved his script at Phil. “Sorry. Honestly. Any other day I’d love to watch with you, but I’ve seriously got to get my head around this scene for tomorrow.”

Phil sighed heavily. “Have you ever heard of a day off?”

“It’s the middle of a shoot, Phil, there’s no such thing as a _day off_.”

“Your lifestyle is frightening,” Phil muttered, but he grabbed the script off Dan and led him over to the sofa.

They settled down, cross-legged, facing each other, and Dan gave Phil the scene he was currently working on. This was just between Dean and Julius – Dan and Tom’s characters. Oh. No wonder Dan was having a hard time getting this scene right. It was confrontational, as well – Julius was threatening to leave the group if Dean didn’t change.

“By the way, you aren’t allowed to share these lines with anyone,” Dan reminded Phil suddenly. “I shouldn’t even be showing you, everything is kept under lock and key until the official release date.”

Phil’s lips twitched. “I remember reading that the cast list got leaked.”

“And the assistant responsible for that got fired the next day,” Dan calmly explained, making Phil blanch. Dan smirked at him. “Yeah. Like I said – don’t tell anyone.”

Phil shook his head, turning to the script. He had to admit, he was excited at this chance to peek at the film of a book he loved so much, and the writing seemed to stay true to the book, which was the one thing Phil had been most worried about. He remembered how badly he’d misjudged the whole crew, back when he first heard it was getting filmed here. Back when he first met Dan. Phil almost wanted to punch his past self in the face.

Reading lines with Dan was a new experience. Phil was no kind of actor, but he fumbled his way through the lines easily enough, with Dan only berating him slightly for ‘upsetting his rhythm’, whatever the hell that meant. Dan, by contrast, was near-flawless. He got across all of Dean’s vulnerability, his inflection perfect, and he only stumbled on a couple of words. When it happened for the third time in a row, Dan cursed, shoving his script away. “See? Hopeless.”

“Dan, it’s _one_ line,” Phil disagreed, “And you’ve memorised practically the whole thing.”

“Still not good enough,” Dan muttered.

Phil snorted, until he realised Dan was actually serious. Then, Phil reached between them to grab Dan’s hand in both his own, giving it a sharp tug until he had Dan’s attention. “Shut up. You’re a great actor, you’re literally perfect for Dean, and messing up one line isn’t going to ruin that.”

Dan’s lips parted, and he stared at Phil like he’d just grown two heads.

“What?” Phil muttered gruffly, looking away. “You’re good, ok?”

Dan blinked. A slow smile stretched his lips wide. “You think I’m good?”

“Well,” Phil started, then stopped. Frustrated, he could feel the back of his neck going red. “Um. I mean, yeah, obviously, or they wouldn’t have cast you.”

Dan shook his head. He was full-on grinning by now. “And to think I told Louise earlier that you weren’t a fan.”

“Huh?” Phil looked up, confused, but Dan shushed him, still grinning. He looked so comfortable there, curled up on Phil’s sofa with his long legs tucked underneath his body, his black jumper stretching passed his arms. He looked soft and appealing, and Phil kind of wanted to wrap him up in a hug.

Dan met his eyes, expression softening further, and Phil felt it again – that warmth that started in his chest and slowly spread outward until it was all-consuming. He reached out without thinking about it.

Dan seemed to understand, because he shifted towards Phil and curled up gently in his arms. Dan was a little taller than Phil, but not by much, and it was easy enough for him to curl up small enough to lean against Phil’s chest. Phil wrapped his arms around Dan carefully, as if he was afraid Dan would shatter if he held him too tight. Dan was warm against his chest, his hair tickling Phil’s chin.

Phil didn’t ever want to let go.

“You’ll be fine,” Phil murmured, his head resting lightly against Dan’s.

Dan huffed. “If you say so.”

“I do,” Phil promised. “You’ll sleep tonight, and when you wake up in the morning, the lines will just magically have fixed themselves. I promise.”

Dan let out a small laugh, but Phil could feel him relaxing. “Well, if it’s a Phil-promise, then it must come true.”

“Precisely.”

Dan laughed again, a low soft chuckle in the back of his throat. He turned his face up to look at Phil, twisting slightly in his arms, and suddenly there was a warm hand against Phil’s cheek.

Phil went completely still.

Dan twisted a little further, his fingers gently pressed to the side of Phil’s face, and his eyes were darting everywhere, full of concern and worry. Phil didn’t like that. He preferred when Dan looked comfortable and happy, but then Dan was leaning closer still, until Phil could count his eyelashes, and he was giving Phil a small, nervous smile.

Phil’s stomach flipped, but he managed the tiniest smile back.

That seemed to be all the encouragement Dan needed, as then he was moving closer still, eyes falling closed, until finally, his lips pressed softly against Phil’s.

Phil froze.

Phil had never kissed anyone before. He’d never thought he _wanted_ to kiss someone before. But here was Dan, warm and nice and soft against him, holding Phil like he might break at any moment, kissing him with a nervous sweetness that Phil had never felt before.

Phil let out a little sigh, and then he slowly started to kiss back.

Dan made this small noise – like he was surprised – and then he was gripping tighter to Phil’s shoulder, tugging at him, and Phil’s arms moved naturally around Dan’s back to keep them pressed together. The hand on Phil’s cheek slipped up into his hair, until Dan’s long fingers were curled around the back of Phil’s head. He held Phil in place and pressed closer, carefully deepening the kiss.

And ok – that was a bit weird.

Phil froze, his brows furrowing, but Dan was still kissing him and he didn’t really want to pull away, so he stayed there, only then Dan pressed against him and Phil lost his balance slightly and he was falling, falling back against the sofa with Dan pressed on top of him.

Phil stopped breathing.

Dan pulled away quickly, sitting up with worry written all over his face. “Sorry, I – sorry—”

Phil just stared at him, trying to catch his breath and sit up and tell Dan it was all ok at the same time. In reality, though, he ended up just lying there, and then Dan was standing up hurriedly, pulling at his jumper sleeves.

Phil sat up, slowly.

“Sorry,” Dan said again, eyes trained only on Phil’s face. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have – I don’t know – sorry—”

“Dan,” Phil said, and his voice cracked a little.

Dan paled further. “I didn’t mean anything. Oh, fuck, I’m so stupid, I’m sorry—”

“Dan,” Phil tried again, “It’s ok—”

“No, it isn’t, I didn’t even _check_ with you, fuck—”

“Dan, seriously, I’m ok.” Phil sat up a little further, and he was. Ok. Mostly. He thought. He’d have a better idea once his brain started working again.

Dan was still looking at him like the world had just crashed around them, and there was legitimate fear in his brown eyes. Phil frowned a little. He went to stand up, but Dan scurried backward.

And then Dan’s earlier words hit Phil full force.

_I didn’t mean anything._

Did Dan not mean anything, then, when he’d kissed Phil? Was that what he was trying to say?

Phil’s heart contracted at the thought.

Dan seemed to notice something was wrong because he was stepping sheepishly closer again. “Um. Are you – are you alright?”

Phil looked up at him, speechless.

“Sorry, stupid question,” Dan muttered. “I mean – um. Do you want me to go?”

_No_ , Phil thought, but his brain was still struggling to get back into gear. He gave his head a small shake, leaning forward and trying to work out how to make words work again.

“Ok.” Dan was backing up, and Phil didn’t like that one bit. “Ok, so, I’m gonna – I’m gonna go. Um. I’m really sorry.”

The words were like a punch to the gut. Phil tried desperately to speak again. “No, Dan—”

Dan stopped instantly, staring at him with hope in his eyes.

Phil drew in a breath. “What – what just happened?”

Dan winced. The movement was tiny, but Phil noticed. “Nothing. Nothing happened, Phil, ok? It’s fine.”

“But Dan—”

“It’s _fine_ ,” Dan interrupted loudly, bending down to grab his script off the floor, “And I’m going now. Ok? I’ll see you – or I’ll text you – or something—”

“You’re just going to leave?” Phil demanded.

Dan blinked over at him, his voice heavy. “I think that’s probably for the best.”

Phil’s heart contracted again. He was struggling to breathe. Dan had just given him his first kiss, and Phil – well, Phil _thought_ he liked it, kind of, if he could just get his head around it – but now Dan wanted to leave? To forget about it?

How was Phil supposed to take that?

“Phil.” Dan’s voice brought him back to the present, and now somehow Dan was over by the door, about to close it behind him.

Phil stared at him hopelessly. _Don’t go._

“I’ll see you, ok?” Dan was looking anywhere but into Phil’s eyes, chewing on his lip. “Or not. Um. It’s – it’s up to you. So, um. Bye.”

That was perhaps the most awkward thing Phil had ever heard, and Dan still wasn’t looking at him, and then he was gone out of the door with it swinging shut behind him.

Phil’s heart was still contracted, his chest tight. He blinked, hard, and gave his head another shake. He wasn’t entirely sure what had just happened, but he didn’t think it was anything good.

Slowly, he lifted one hand to press a finger to his lips, where they still tingled from Dan kissing him. And – no, he hadn’t seen that coming, but it wasn’t _bad._ Exactly. It wasn’t amazingly good, but it wasn’t _bad._ Phil didn’t know – he needed some more time to think, to figure out how he felt.

But Dan had walked out. Dan made it very clear how he felt.

Phil’s chest tightened again. He bit down on his inner cheek, hard.

Nothing was making any sense, and he was too tired to think it all through properly. So, instead, Phil retreated under his blankets and tried to put Dan out of his mind.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I’m going away next week for a couple of weeks, which means updates will slow down and become more sporadic (not every Monday oops sorry). I’ll still be updating, but more slowly, and probably at random times too but I’ll do my best to keep up to date (and have every intention of finishing this story eventually) 
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone reading and commenting on this story, I really appreciate every one, even though I still haven't got around to replying I'm sorry <3
> 
> And as ever, a thousand thank yous to mecaka for being a brilliant beta, you're a star

Dan ran out of Phil’s place as fast as he could, absolutely mortified.

He couldn’t believe he’d actually done that. How could he have done something so _stupid_? Kissing Phil was off the table. Kissing Phil had _always_ been off the table, at least until Dan had sat Phil down and had a long conversation about boundaries and what was ok and what wasn’t with him. That was necessary, because the last thing in the world Dan wanted was to break Phil’s trust.

Only, that was exactly what had happened.

Dan could still remember the way Phil had gone completely stiff under him, suddenly freezing up, not responding in any way. When Dan finally pulled back, Phil had looked completely confused, and Dan couldn’t let himself continue. He’d backed away, and that was when the guilt set in and Dan had to leave.

He’d always sworn he wouldn’t push Phil. But it was hard when Phil wasn’t _talking_ to him. Dan was trying, really trying, to tread his way carefully around Phil, because he didn’t want to push too hard and scare him off. It had happened before, after all.

Dan groaned as he made his way back through the city towards his hotel, drawing his jacket tight around him. He’d never had to deal with a situation quite as difficult as this. He’d take the media with their flashing cameras and intensive questioning over this feeling of failure any day.

When Dan made it back to his hotel, he strode straight past the security, grateful for their presence in holding off the various cameras waiting around outside. The last thing he and Phil needed was more media speculation. Dan kept his face iron-clad, his mask in perfect place. He was grateful for his long stride that carried him safely inside fast, and made straight for the lift.

He didn’t talk to anyone on the way up to his hotel room. Most of the cast were either sleeping or still on set, which allowed Dan to slip back inside without having to see anyone. He considered calling Tyler, just to have someone to whine at more than anything, but he was exhausted and embarrassed and upset enough as it was. He could deal with Tyler laughing at him in the morning.

Dan shoved his phone under his pillow and determinedly turned over, hiding his face under his blankets until he could fall into blissful oblivion.

When Dan woke, it was to several missed calls and a few texts from Phil, but he ignored them all, not yet ready to talk to the person he no doubt had mortally offended. Instead, he got ready as quickly as he could and went down to the foyer to meet Louise, so they could head back to the set together.

Louise greeted him with a warm smile that quickly dropped when she saw his face. “Oh no. What happened?”

“Nothing,” Dan grunted. He pushed passed her, already making for the taxis that would be waiting for them outside.

Louise scrambled after him. “Dan, wait. Wait!”

With a heavy heart and a sinking feeling in his stomach, Dan stopped by the doors, allowing her to catch up. He could already see the flashes from the various cameras constantly camped outside the hotel, and he scrubbed a hand across his forehead with a small groan. He could well understand why Phil didn’t want any part in this world when it was so impossible to be away from constant attention. All Dan wanted to do right then was crawl back into bed and stay there.

“Ready to face the masses?” Louise said brightly from his side.

Dan’s grimace said it all.

“Don’t worry.” Louise laid a hand on his arm as she led him through the doors and out to the taxi. Immediately, the cameras started flashing. Dan wished he was short enough to hide behind her. “If it’s any consolation, it’s Tom’s last day of filming today.”

“Is it?”

“Yep.”

Dan instantly brightened. The thought of not having to battle his way through anymore scenes with the older, more experienced actor constantly griping at him was definitely a good one.

“See? Thought that’d cheer you up.” Louise nudged his side playfully as they crawled into the back of a taxi. “Plus, you’re doing all your scenes with me today, and I brighten everyone’s day.”

“Modest there, Louise.” Dan’s lips were twitching despite himself.

Louise just grinned at him, reaching across to pat his knee. Her face fell once they were on their way and the cameras were left far behind, and she studied him short-distance. “Seriously, Dan. Are you ok?”

Dan nodded, then frowned. He scrubbed a hand down his face, letting his shoulders drop, and groaned lowly. “Not really, if I’m honest.”

“Oh, Dan.” Louise resonated sympathy, and Dan was grateful for her presence, however little good it could do him. “Anything I can help with?”

“I messed up,” he answered hollowly. “Badly.”

If Louise was surprised, she didn’t show it. Instead, she gave his knee another reassuring pat. “I’m sure you can fix it, whatever it was.”

“I’m not so sure.”

“No?” Louise peered at him. “Or are you just hiding from it?”

Dan winced. He hadn’t answered any of Phil’s calls, but he just couldn’t face him right now. He didn’t want to get rejected, or yelled at, not when he already knew he’d made a mistake.

Louise sighed when she saw the look on his face. “Did you hurt someone? Is that what happened?”

“Accidentally,” Dan mumbled. “I accidentally – it doesn’t matter.”

“It seems to matter to you.”

“Yeah.” Dan curled himself in. “It does.” He couldn’t risk telling Louise – not that he didn’t trust her, but so few people knew anything about Dan’s interest in guys, he couldn’t possibly risk it getting out. Things were bad enough already without that added pressure. The only person he could talk to was Tyler, but Dan didn’t want to talk about it. He wanted to forget it.

Louise offered him a sympathetic smile. “If you need someone to rant to, I’m here.”

“Thanks.” Dan straightened as the taxi pulled onto the set, preparing himself. “I appreciate it. But let’s just get through filming, ok?”

“Whatever you say,” Louise agreed, though her eyes remained fixed on him as they got out of the car.

\---

Phil checked his phone for the fifteenth time in half an hour, his heart falling when there were still no new messages. How many texts was it acceptable to send to someone before it became classed as harassment? Should he take the hint and leave Dan alone? Even if it was the last thing he wanted to do?

Phil had woken that morning with a completely clear head. He’d gone to bed confused and upset, but the sleep had apparently given his brain the kick-start it needed to fully process exactly what had happened, and he woke feeling absolutely sure about everything. He wasn’t upset with Dan – at least, not for kissing him. The kiss had been weird, but Phil didn’t regret it, and he thought with time he could even come to like it. Maybe. He was certainly willing to try, anyway, if he had a Dan he could try with.

Only Dan seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth.

Phil still wasn’t sure exactly why Dan had run away from him the night before. He’d looked more scared than anything, and he didn’t look _disgusted_ , so Phil was really hoping that it wasn’t because he had no interest in Phil. Especially as Dan had been the one to kiss him. Still, fear crept at the corners of his heart – fear that maybe Dan had seen just how little Phil could give him, and decided to give up.

Phil did his best not to listen to that fear. After all, Dan had said before that Phil would always be enough. Phil was doing his best to cling to that.

It wasn’t exactly easy when Dan was actively avoiding him, though.

Phil grumbled to himself, setting his phone back down and turning to his PhD thesis that sat blinking at him from his laptop screen. He was almost done with his first draft now, which meant he’d have to send it to his supervisor, and Phil was freaking out quite a bit. He always feared getting feedback. The worst part was when he’d spent several months hammering out his argument to the best of his ability, only to have his supervisor reply with every single thing he’d done wrong. It was disheartening, to say the least.

He could only stare at the sentence for another minute before he turned away, scooping up his phone again. Thoughts of Dan were like a constant itch in the back of his head, clamouring away at him until what little focus he’d had abandoned him once more. He wasn’t getting anything done while caught in this limbo.

Phil sighed. There had to be a way to get Dan to pay attention to him – and that was when it came to him.

Twitter.

Phil quickly found his way back to his saved photos, his old phone taking far too long to load anything. There it was – the photo he’d taken of Dan with his hair all curly, just after he’d roughly towelled it dry. He was looking up at the camera with a startled expression, his hair a mass of curls. Perfect.

Phil posted it with an accompanying Tweet, feeling much more satisfied with himself.

_@amazingphil:_ caught @danisnotonfire in his finest moment

It didn’t take long for the notifications to start flooding in, as usual. They were a bit more shriek-y than usual, even, with mostly capital letters and expressions of glee, which Phil couldn’t help but agree with. There also seemed to be some sort of petition going to get Dan to keep his hair curly. Phil could see the attraction, from an aesthetic point of view. Dan’s curly hair looked so much more tempting to run his fingers through.

Phil gave himself a shake. He shouldn’t be having thoughts like that – not when he still wasn’t sure what Dan wanted.

Phil turned back to his PhD, forcing himself to focus at least for a bit, his phone determinedly on silent and shoved under a pillow. He could check again once he’d finished off his next paragraph, and not before or after. Maybe that would give time for Dan to see it and answer, anyway.

\---

“ _Cut!_ ”

Dan heaved a relieved sigh, straightening up the second the camera was turned off. He shook off his sodden trousers with a grimace, grumbling at the way the wet material was already clinging to him.

“Got a problem, Howell?” Tom’s vindictive voice sounded from somewhere over his shoulder.

Dan gritted his teeth. “You would, too, if you had to be on your knees for that entire scene.”

“Oh, I don’t know. Some of us have the training to deal with it, you know?”

Dan drew in a sharp breath, but Louise was right there before he could say anything, tugging him away. She drew him in close, firmly linking their arms, and strode off to the edge of the set before Dan could so much as blink.

“Don’t rise to it,” she told him firmly.

“You tell him off all the time!”

“I know what I’m doing.” Louise pulled him to a stop once they were out of earshot and span to face him, her expression flinty. “Also, I haven’t looked like a grumpy sod the entire day.”

Dan grimaced. “I haven’t been _that_ bad. Have I?”

“You don’t want me to answer that.” Louise eyed him closely, her expression softening just a little. “Seriously, what’s up? You haven’t been right all day.”

Dan let out a slow breath. He scrubbed a hand over his face and allowed his shoulders to slump, his lips turning downward. “It’s nothing. My fault, entirely.”

“Are you sure?”

Dan nodded fervently.

“Then maybe you should do something to fix it?” Louise asked, her voice gentle. “Look, whatever it is you think you’ve done, it’s clearly eating you up. It can’t hurt to reach out, you know?”

Dan blinked at her. “You think?”

“I know.” Louise looked up, grimacing, when her name was called. “Costume want me. Think on it, Dan, won’t you? It’d do you good.”

“I will,” he promised, watching as Louise disappeared. Dan sagged against the wall with a heavy heart. He knew she was right – he should probably reach out to Phil, to apologise if nothing else. He just couldn’t stand the thought of Phil turning away from him _again_ , after Dan had laid himself out bare. He’d kissed Phil, after all – that was a pretty strong indication of how Dan was feeling. And Phil had rejected him.

Well – ok, maybe it wasn’t a rejection. But he’d frozen up, and got scared, and Dan was terrified that he’d pushed Phil too far, and this time Phil wouldn’t forgive him. Dan didn’t want to lose Phil.

The hollow in his chest was just as cold when Dan realised that Phil probably wasn’t going to stop by the set that day, with his usual coffee and heart-warming smile. Missing him was a new feeling. Dan was usually happy to be on his own, to get some time to recline in the little piece of comfort that was his own space, but lately it was starting to feel emptier and emptier without Phil in it. He could see PJ busy working with Xander, and Dan hadn’t quite reached the point where he’d talk to Phil’s friends to try and get them back in touch. Not quite yet, anyway. Maybe.

Just then, his phone started buzzing in his pocket.

Dan glanced down at the screen with worry pooling in his gut, not particularly wanting to avoid another call with Phil, but not quite ready to talk to him, either. He arched a brow when he saw it was Tyler, answering quickly.

“ _Dan, what is this abomination I see on my Twitter feed?_ ”

Dan blinked. “Hello to you too.”

“ _Yes, yes, hello, how are you, all of that nonsense. What have you done now?”_

“I have literally no idea what you’re talking about.”

“ _Have you been on Twitter today?”_

“I – don’t think so, actually.” Dan frowned, putting Tyler on speaker so he could flick over to the app. “What is it?”

“ _Oh, you will see.”_ Tyler sounded positively gleeful, which was never a good thing.

Dan opened up the app, and he nearly dropped his phone at what greeted him. Phil Lester in his mentions, proudly displaying a photo of Dan in all his soaking wet glory. Dan remembered that photo well – when he’d finished up the lake scene and retreated to Phil’s flat for refuge. He’d been meaning to get Phil to delete that photo, but now, there it was, up for the entire internet to see. Was this Phil’s twisted idea of punishment?

“ _Have you seen it?_ ” Tyler was positively _sparkling_.

Dan rolled his eyes. “Yes.”

“ _So what’s the story, Howell? Had you just gotten out of his shower?”_

“Tyler! No!” Dan recoiled.

“ _What, I’m just saying? You_ have _made progress with him though, right?”_

Dan sucked in a sharp breath. “Not in any good way.”

“ _Oh, Dan, what have you done now?”_

“Something pretty terrible, actually.”

“ _Oh? Spill._ ”

“I kissed him,” Dan admitted, glancing around and keeping his voice low.

He winced at Tyler’s answering shriek. “ _On what planet is that a terrible thing?”_

“You don’t understand.”

“ _Is he really bad at it, or something?_ ”

“No, no, quite the opposite actually.”

“ _So what_ is _your problem?”_

“It’s just a bit – complicated.” Dan sighed. “I can’t really explain. He … may not have wanted me to kiss him.”

“ _Does he not like you?”_

“Well, no, I think he does.” Dan bit his lip, his heart picking up speed. “I hope so. He just – he’s not a fan of kisses in general.”

“ _…Oh._ ” Tyler sounded confused. “ _Ok. Have you talked to him about it?”_

“…Kind of?”

“ _Are you doing that thing where you ignore everything you’re scared of? Because that is not cool, Howell._ ”

“It’s with good reason,” Dan argued. “I’m fairly sure he hates me.”

“ _Honey, if he hated you, he’d have posted something much worse than that adorably affectionate picture.”_

“Affectionate? You think that’s affectionate?”

“ _From what I’ve seen, you two do all your flirting on Twitter, so yes. Adorably affectionate._ _All that’s left is for you to post something equally cute in response and you’ll have fangirls everywhere singing your praises.”_

Dan sighed, really wanting to believe Tyler. He really, _really_ did. But there was still that loud part of him that was sure Phil must hate him, and this was somehow his way of exacting revenge, because Dan couldn’t imagine Phil getting really vindictive. Not really.

“ _Just talk to him,”_ Tyler told him, “ _And stop freaking out about it so much. Whatever happened isn’t going to get solved with more silence.”_

“I guess that’s true.”

“ _It is. I’ll leave you be, I’ve got an appointment in five. I expect more cuteness on my Twitter feed when I get back, you hear me?_ ”

“I don’t do things for your enjoyment, Tyler.”

“ _Mhmm, you keep telling yourself that.”_

Dan snorted as he hung up, but he was feeling marginally better about himself. Before he could talk himself out of it again, Dan hit reply to Phil’s Tweet and added a comment, posting it without thought before he could freak out again.

@ _danisnotonfire:_ @amazingphil i committed no crime deserving of this exposure

He slid his phone back into his pocket, feeling some of the weight lifting off his chest, and made his way back to the set.

Things couldn’t be too bad. Phil couldn’t hate him too much – not if he was still willing to publicly communicate with him. Dan was just praying that he hadn’t messed everything up too badly.

\---

Phil almost fell off his chair when he checked his phone for the umpteenth time and _Dan had actually replied._

It wasn’t a text, or a call, or even a private DM, but it was _something_. A message that let Phil know that Dan hadn’t completely abandoned all points of contact with him, and it was enough to get hope blooming in Phil’s veins again. He went back to his PhD with a much lighter heart.

Phil had a day off from the bookshop again, in desperation to try and get his thesis written with the deadline looming. He was actually making decent progress, even with the constant reminder of last night knocking away at the back of his skull. The memory of Dan’s lips pressing against his was a good one, sending a tingly feeling flooding through his chest. He’d liked it. He especially liked the feeling of having Dan’s long, warm body pressed up against his, holding him in the best way. Yes, he’d liked all of that, up until Dan shoved him over onto his back.

Phil wished there was an easy way to explain that. He’d have a go, if Dan would actually _talk to him._

The rest of the afternoon was spent with Phil bashing away at his thesis until he was about ready to tear his eyes out, at which point he thought it best to take a break. He had a poke around in his cupboards, but was less than inspired by what he saw there. With a sigh, Phil resigned himself to yet another last-minute shop run, promising himself that in the future he’d have a better routine for himself.

He was struggling back to his flat with five heavy bags an hour later when he got his second Dan-related shock of the day. That being actual Dan Howell himself lurking reluctantly outside Phil’s apartment building.

“Hey,” Dan said quietly as soon as Phil was within earshot.

“Dan!” Phil was puffing, red-faced, struggling with his armful of bags, but still desperate to talk. “Ah, Dan, I need to say – I’m so sorry, about last night, I didn’t mean—”

“No, no, _you_ don’t need to apologise.” Dan’s eyes had gone all wide and pleading. “I was way out of line.”

“No, you weren’t—”

“I _was_ , I didn’t even check—”

“It’s fine, I’m fine, you did nothing wrong.”

Dan blinked. “Seriously?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Phil forced out around his gasps for breath. “Though – I’d really appreciate a bit of help – could you grab one of these?”

Dan stood there, staring at him in happy astonishment, until he caught on to what Phil was saying and instantly jumped to rescue one of the bags from his failing grip. “Right. Sure. Sorry.”

Phil snorted, shaking his head. “Just as helpful as ever, Howell.”

“Shut up,” Dan huffed, but he was biting back a smile as he followed Phil inside.

“What are you doing here, anyway?” Phil questioned the minute he had some breath back. Dan had followed him into his kitchen, and was now leaning against his counter playing awkwardly with a bag of apples from Phil’s shopping. That was an endearing sight, and one Phil would love to get used to – Dan Howell being in his kitchen.

“I wanted to talk to you,” Dan admitted quietly, “But I didn’t know what to say in a text, or a call.”

“…Ok?” Phil blinked, a little confused, as he started packing away cereal boxes into his cupboard. “So you came over to say nothing in person?”

Dan gave a low chuckle. “Something like that, yeah.”

“Well, I’ve always been someone who can appreciate silence.”

Dan laughed again, softly. It was an oddly forlorn sound, nothing like the loud cackle Phil knew Dan was capable of if something really made him laugh. Phil felt a tug of guilt at that. He couldn’t help but feel it was his fault that Dan was looking so meek and insecure – even if he wasn’t completely sure what he’d done.

So Phil set down his bags for a moment and instead turned to face Dan, leaning against the counter beside him. “Look, about last night—”

“We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Dan said quickly.

Phil smiled a little. “I think not talking is what got us into this mess in the first place.”

Dan met his eyes with a soft grin, putting down the bag of apples. “I guess you might be right about that.”

“So, here’s me, trying to talk.” Phil looked away again, not quite able to hold Dan’s eyes as he tried to gather his thoughts up together. They had a way of scattering every time he saw Dan’s warm gaze pinning him in place, even though he could feel it sending chills up his arms right then. “I just – I don’t quite know _why_ you left last night, but you didn’t have to.”

“Didn’t I?” Dan asked softly.

“No. Not on my account, at least.” Phil licked his lips. “I didn’t – it wasn’t a _bad_ thing, what happened.”

Dan’s smile was growing – Phil liked that. “Just to be clear here – we’re talking about me kissing you, right?”

Phil jumped, just a little, and Dan’s smile broadened further. Phil glared at him. “Yes. We are talking about – that.”

“Ok. Good to know.”

“Shut up, Howell.” Phil closed his eyes and let out a slow breath. “What I’m trying to say is, I didn’t hate it. I kind of liked it, actually.”

“I’m glad my kissing prowess has impressed you.”

“ _Dan_.” Phil sounded genuinely pained. “I’m trying to have a serious conversation here.”

“Sorry.” Dan didn’t sound sorry at all – in fact, he was still grinning when Phil opened his eyes again.

Phil pinned him with a look, expression stern. “What I didn’t like so much was you running straight out of here like I was the last person in the world you wanted to see.”

Dan winced.

“ _And_ you ignored all my texts and calls.” Phil shook his head. “Way to make me think you hated me.”

“Sorry.” This time, Dan did sound genuinely contrite. “I don’t, for the record. Hate you.”

“Oh. Ok. Good.”

“Did you seriously think I could?”

Phil gave a half-shrug, once again avoiding Dan’s gaze. “I thought – you said you didn’t mean anything. I was worried that was your way of telling me you didn’t want to kiss me.”

Dan, much to Phil’s surprise, chuckled, and then there was a warm hand on his arm sending goosebumps flaring up his skin. “Oh, Phil. You literally couldn’t be more wrong.”

Phil blinked. Hesitantly, he looked up to meet Dan’s eyes. “So you do?”

“Yes,” Dan smiled his crinkly-eyed smile, “I most certainly do want to kiss you.”

Phil’s chest was flooded with a rush of happiness.

“I just wasn’t so sure you _wanted_ me to kiss you,” Dan admitted, shifting a little bit away from Phil. “After everything you’ve told me, about you – I just didn’t know where your boundaries lay. And I was scared I pushed too far, because I didn’t even _ask_ you, and you went all frozen so I panicked and ran.”

Phil’s lips twitched. “Do you always run when you’re scared?”

“I never said anything about _scared_ , Phil,” Dan argued, with just a hint of a whine to his tone. “I was just – worried. About you, mostly.”

“Sweet,” Phil teased, and he edged a step closer to Dan, dared to place his own hand on Dan’s shoulder. “But I promise you, there was no need.”

Dan was staring at him with those impossibly warm brown eyes. “No?”

“Absolutely none.”

“So is – um – is kissing ok with you?”

Phil nodded, slowly. “I think so. I mean – I had to think about it for a bit.” His nose wrinkled. “The tongue thing. That was a bit weird.”

Dan laughed a warm, bright sound. “Ok. So no tongues.”

“And I didn’t really like having you leaning over me,” Phil confessed quietly. “Felt like I couldn’t escape.”

“You can always tell me to move,” Dan promised quietly. “I always will. The last thing I want is to hurt you.”

Another little burst of affection flooded through Phil then. He smiled at Dan, and moved a little closer, until he was almost pressed right up against Dan’s chest. He liked that feeling – of being close to Dan, wrapped up in him. It was good.

Dan was watching him with sparkling eyes. “At some point, Lester, we are going to sit down and have a proper discussion about boundaries. Ok? I need to know how far I can go.”

“Whatever you think necessary,” Phil agreed, already nudging closer. His lips were tingling, and Dan was _so close_.

Dan grinned, watching him. His arms slid slowly around Phil’s shoulders, every movement careful, until he was drawing Phil in closer. Phil moved with him gladly, letting out a little sigh. “This is good. Keep doing this.”

“Yeah?” Dan murmured, his voice low and soft in a way Phil had missed. He tightened his grip around Phil and drew him in, and Phil automatically wound his own arms around Dan’s waist and laid his head against Dan’s shoulder.

“Stay for dinner?” Phil murmured, and Dan nodded against him with a happy little sigh.

“I’d love to.” Two fingers landed under Phil’s chin, tilting his face up so he was meeting Dan’s eyes. “Can I try again? With the kissing?”

Phil’s heart jumped, and he gave a tiny nod.

Dan smiled, and then leaned close to kiss Phil again, keeping it chaste and sweet, and Phil practically melted against him. When it was over, Phil nuzzled close and murmured, “Yeah, that. Definitely like that.”

“Good to hear.” Dan’s voice bubbled with mirth, and he pressed his face into Phil’s hair with a muffled laugh. “Just, talk to me next time? Instead of freaking out?”

“Excuse me, you were the one who ran out without talking to _me_ ,” Phil complained, though he refused to move from his new resting place in the crook of Dan’s next. It was comfortable, and warm, and he kind of never wanted to leave, ever.

Dan chuckled again, keeping Phil pressed close to him. “I suppose you have a point. Alright then, new deal: we both talk to each other without either one of us freaking out?”

“I can get behind that.”

“Good.” Dan chuckled again, and continued to hold Phil. It was the best feeling in the world.

\---

Dan did indeed stay for dinner, poking fun at Phil’s method of chopping vegetables ( _“You’re just going to get them everywhere, seriously, there are already like five bits in the sink”_ ) and generally making a nuisance of himself. Phil couldn’t even bring himself to mind. There was a strange intimacy about having someone else in his kitchen, someone to tease and make fun of and generally be a bit silly with. Being with Dan allowed Phil to forget his thesis and his work worries and his general dissatisfaction with his situation, and instead relax and have _fun_.

After they’d eaten, Dan stayed a little longer to watch a film with Phil, although they ended up talking during it more than anything because Dan casually mentioned that he’d worked with one of the actors once, and Phil promptly fell off the sofa.

“Are you ok?” Dan asked, the fact that he was still snorting with laughter detracting from the otherwise sweet sentiment.

Phil grumbled, red in the face, as he clawed his way back up onto the sofa and settled down opposite Dan, who was still laughing at him. Phil glared. “What? You can’t just drop something like that and expect me _not_ to freak out.”

“I didn’t think it was that big a deal.” Dan’s eyes were dancing.

Phil huffed. “Oh yeah, sure, interacting with Jacob freaking Philips is just run-of-the-mill for you and your rockstar lifestyle.”

“Well…”

Phil promptly rolled on top of Dan, which was a pretty effective way to shut him up. Dan squawked, squirming around until he managed to sit up a bit and get his arms wrapped around Phil, shaking his head.

“Did you seriously work with him?” Phil murmured from his new spot resting against Dan’s chest.

He could feel Dan’s rumbles of laughter. “Yes, I really did, when I got my first job and left school. He was playing my uncle.”

“That’s crazy.” Phil shook his head. “So I’m – what – I’m two degrees of separation from him now?”

“Oh, sure, you’re excited about _him_ ,” Dan sniffed. “I recall you having a much less enthusiastic attitude when you first met me.”

“I didn’t know who you were.”

“Rude.” Dan shoved him, making Phil grumble. Dan frowned a little. “Besides, I thought you’d seen ‘ _Reckless’_? Didn’t you love my character in that?”

“Jaxon is a perfect example of a hero, yes, but that doesn’t make _you_ good.” Phil dodged Dan’s second whack with a laugh, pressing his face into the crook of Dan’s neck. He liked that little space, especially when Dan wrapped his arms around him and drew him in close.

They lay like that for a little while, until Dan nosed at Phil’s hair and asked, “So what made you go into editing? If I can ask.”

“You can ask anything,” Phil affirmed, and he rolled a little, thinking. “I just – I always loved film, but I knew I didn’t want to be in front of the camera. Editing was the next best thing.”

“Why not in front of the camera?” Dan reached up and straightened Phil’s fringe for him.

Phil leaned into the touch with a little, affectionate sigh. “Not all of us like the attention, Howell.”

“Hey.” Dan didn’t shove him this time, though, which made Phil send him a questioning look. There was a tiny crease furrowing Dan’s brow, and he avoided Phil’s eyes, instead glancing down at the sofa cushions. “That is something I wanted to check with you, though.”

Phil settled himself a little more comfortably. “Go for it.”

“I just – I know you don’t like attention that much, and I totally respect that, it’s just—” Dan bit his lower lip, glancing back at Phil’s eyes for a moment before flicking back to study his sofa cushions. “Being around me – it’s going to get you attention.”

“I know that, Dan.”

“But are you going to be ok with it?” Dan glanced up at him again, drawing in a slightly shaky breath. “I mean, I’m not suggesting we go around kissing in front of the cameras or anything—”

Phil snorted. “I’d hope not.”

“It’s just, you know,” Dan shrugged a little, “I’m worried about people speculating.”

“You mean like all your fans on Twitter?” Phil teased lightly.

Dan sighed. “I don’t mind about them. They’re respectful. It’s more…” he trailed off, until Phil gave him a little encouraging nudge.

“Go on. You can talk to me.”

“Can I?” Dan asked softly, looking back into Phil’s eyes.

Phil smiled softly at him, gently laying a palm flat on Dan’s chest. “Absolutely. Any time.”

Dan’s eyes crinkled as he smiled, and he leaned against Phil with a low sigh. “It’s just – you remember, I told you I think, only you and one other person know that I’m bi.”

Phil still slightly envied the way that word dropped so easily from Dan’s lips – like he was so comfortable with how he identified. Phil didn’t have that, not quite yet, though he was certainly in a better place since the last time they’d had this conversation. He nodded slowly. “I remember.”

“Well – I don’t think I’m ready for anyone else to know.” Dan sighed softly. “Not that I’m ashamed of you, nothing of the sort, but—”

“But there’d be questions you don’t want to answer,” Phil finished for him, and Dan nodded a little sheepishly. Phil rubbed his shoulder, soothing him. “Dan, that’s perfectly fine.”

“Yeah?” Dan actually sounded surprised.

Phil snorted. “I’m the last person who’d want to be broadcasting this. We can just – we can just keep doing this, you can come over and we’ll talk, right? You do want that, right?”

Worry suddenly started pooling in Phil’s stomach, until Dan quietened his fears with a soft laugh and a gentle kiss to his forehead. “Yes, Phil. You have to stop freaking out about that, ok? I will _always_ want to come and spend time with you.”

A little burst of warmth spread through Phil’s chest at that. He nestled closer, laying his head back against the crook of Dan’s neck, speaking against his skin. “Well, then. That’s agreed. We won’t tell anyone just yet.”

“Deal.” Dan paused. “Well. Actually. Someone might already know.”

Phil’s stomach tightened. “Oh?”

“No one who’d tell. My roommate, that’s all.”

Phil blinked. “You have a roommate?”

“Yeah. Well, a flatmate,” Dan corrected himself. “Tyler. He’s been dealing with me freaking out to him about you for a while, so I’m pretty sure he knows. He won’t tell, though.”

“That’s ok.” Phil bit back a laugh. “I think PJ knows, too. But let’s just rewind for a second to the bit where you were freaking out about me?”

Dan did shove him this time, making Phil grab onto his shirt with a squeal. Dan snickered up until Phil rolled back on top of him and nestled back into place, determinedly, demanding that Dan hold him again. Dan was more than happy to do so, and they curled up together to watch what little was left of the film, sharing delighted glances every so often that they’d finally made it here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I took Dan’s Tweet from what he actually said in response to Phil Tweeting a photo of him asleep in the car. I got so many tumblr messages saying the photo war became real, which is just hilarious, so thank you guys <3


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have like two days where I have time and internet SO I wrote this super quickly and it isn’t betaed, I apologise that it isn’t up to my usual standard but I'm literally finishing this on a train xD. Also I didn’t want to move the plot on too much so it’s essentially a pile of fluff.
> 
> As always, thank you so much to everyone who has commented on this fic. I can't even tell you how much it means to me. I'm so sorry I haven't replied to you all yet but trust me, I have read every single one and you are the best people I have ever known <3

Dan didn’t stay the night – he left late in the evening, once they’d made it through the film and two more episodes of an anime they’d started marathoning together. Phil shut the door behind him and then leaned against the doorframe with a silly grin on his face. He couldn’t help it. He was  _ happy _ . He let himself stand there and close his eyes and feel the happiness spreading out from his chest until his fingers were tingling and he felt warm and content.

Dan Howell actually liked him.

In fact, there was a very good chance that he was dating actual Dan Howell, and Phil couldn’t quite believe that that could be true. Then again, he never would have believed that Dan Howell was someone who might enjoy watching anime and films and generally being the giant dork that he was, so maybe Phil could be wrong about lots of things.

Phil went to bed that night with a dreamy smile on his face, thinking of Dan, and yes he was being soppy but maybe Phil was finally starting to understand what all the fuss was about. He’d never quite known how romance could work – he often retreated from the word, in fact – but now he was getting butterflies, feeling warm, and unable to get his mind off Dan, exactly like you were supposed to feel when you had a crush. He didn’t care that he was 26 – he was having his first crush, and loving it.

The next morning, Phil was back to working at the bookshop, so he got up bright and early and scurried off to pick up his usual cups of coffee before heading to the film set. He wasn’t just going to walk past it without stopping off, after all, and especially not now he had Dan to see.

The mornings were warming up now that spring was well and truly here, so Phil left behind his coat and instead bounced along his route to work, humming to himself. He was still glad of the steaming mugs to warm his hands, though, as even in the summer Manchester could be cold. The sky was overcast, threatening rain without actually raining, but Phil didn’t quite trust it enough not to hurry on his way through the city.

There was a crowd around the ROAD CLOSED sign again, staring up towards the film set. Phil grimaced. He still didn’t like the attention, but he wasn’t about to run away, so he simply ducked his head and walked as quickly as he could, trying to be inconspicuous as he side-stepped the sign and strode up towards the set. That never got any easier. Especially not when he could hear whispered conversations following him as he pushed past the crowd.

Still, once he was a little further up the road the smoke machines covered him, and Phil relaxed. The usual layout of the film set spread out before him, complete with cameras and wires and giant tripods that he didn’t want to get too near for fear of knocking them over. Xander was over in a corner, face set with concentration, and PJ stood not too far away manning his own camera. Phil burst with pride at the sight of his friend doing so well.

They were currently filming a scene with Louise and Dan and a few other extras that Phil didn’t recognise, so Phil sidled out of the way and waited in a little nook in the wall, clutching his two mugs of coffee. He liked getting to watch Dan filming. It helped that this time Phil felt a little tug in his stomach every time he saw Dan, knowing that he had a claim to him now. That Dan actually  _ liked spending time with him. _

The scene went on for long enough for Phil’s feet to start going numb. He was shifting his weight, wincing a bit, when there was finally a flurry of movement and he looked up to see Dan striding straight towards him with a big smile on his face.

Phil felt his own lips twitch up in an automatic reaction.

“You are officially my favourite person,” was what Dan greeted him with, along with a mad grab for one of the steaming mugs.

Phil rolled his eyes, slightly offended by the amount of affection that rude movement brought up in him. “Oh, sure, just because I bring you  _ coffee _ .”

“Well, it might be a little bit more than just that.” Dan’s eyes were glittering as he took a long sip, making a loud noise of appreciation. “But the coffee helps.”

Phil huffed again, but for some reason he was still smiling.

“That looked like a good scene,” Phil added after a moment of just staring at Dan. He was dimpling this morning, his face warm and soft even in the slight drizzle that seemed to settle permanently over the city.

“Mm,” Dan agreed, casting a look over his shoulder before quickly focusing back in on Phil. “It was. You know the bit where Estelle decides she wants to chase down the stag?”

Phil snorted. “And Dean tells her not to be such an idiot. So you’ve spent the morning ranting at Louise?”

“Exactly. It’s brilliant.” Dan’s eyes were glittering, the corner of his mouth twitching into a wicked smirk. “Though I’m not so sure she liked it as much.”

“Well, who would, having to look at your ugly face all day.”

“Rude,” Dan sniffed, “And unnecessary. I don’t think you were saying that last night, Lester.”

Phil choked. He glared over the lid of his mug, but Dan’s eyes were dancing with mischief. It was doing something strange to Phil’s insides, having Dan look at him like that, with such familiarity, as if they shared an inside joke. As if there was something special drawing them together.

Phil really, really hoped that was true.

They only had a few more minutes before the director was calling the next scene together, so Dan downed his coffee and quickly crowded into Phil’s space, pushing him back against the wall. Phil gave a startled squeak. Sure, he wasn’t  _ complaining  _ about having Dan so close, but this was kind of a public place…

“Can I come over again tonight?” Dan asked quietly, lips so close to Phil’s ear that he could feel them tickling his skin.

Swallowing, Phil managed a nod.

“Good.” Dan didn’t back up any, and he was smiling so wide that Phil could see the crinkles appearing in the corners of his eyes. “I’ll see you at seven. Don’t bother cooking, I’ve got it covered.”

Phil arched a brow. “Do you think I’m going to let you near my oven? After the number of interviews you’ve given where you literally burn toast?”

“Shut up,” Dan sniffed, actually sounding a bit miffed. “I’ve got a plan.”

“That’s never a good thing.”

“ _ Phil _ .” Dan’s tone was exasperated, but buzzing with warmth. He gave Phil another delighted look, leaned close enough to peck him on the cheek quickly, and then disappeared.

Phil blinked. He stared after Dan, one hand lifting to press to his cheek without him even realising it, eyes darting around to make sure no one had seen. Thankfully enough, their little corner was dark and shadowed, tucked away behind the cameramen, and mostly out of sight. Dan clearly must have thought they were safe. He’d made it clear enough that he was just as reluctant as Phil to go public with … whatever this was.

Phil stayed standing there staring into the middle distance until PJ appeared at his side with a loud snort and a knowing glint to his eye.

Instantly, Phil straightened his back and dropped his hand, staring challengingly back. He could feel heat rising at the tips of his ears and round the back of his neck, but he’d be damned if he was going to show it.

PJ was full on grinning by now. “’Nothing going on between you two’, my arse.”

If Phil wasn’t pink before, he certainly was now.

“Also still no coffee for me,” PJ grumbled, “I’m going to start getting a complex.”

Phil crossed his arms. “Great. So I have to deal with two whiny children grouching at me?”

PJ snorted again. “I don’t think I want to be compared to Dan Howell, actually. No way I can compete.” He grew more serious for a moment, fixing Phil with a piercing stare. “Are you happy?”

Phil tried to keep his expression smooth. “Happy with what?”

“Oh, come on.” PJ sighed. “I have eyes, Phil, and you’ve never been very good at subtlety. I just want to make sure you’re ok, and you’ve got someone to talk to if anything goes wrong.”

Phil’s eyes softened a bit. “Thanks. Really. And I’m fine. It’s – I think it’s good.”

“Then I’m happy for you.” PJ glanced back over at Dan, his lips twitching. “Whatever you did has worked wonders on Dan. He’s been a positive  _ delight _ all morning.”

Phil brightened. “Really?”

“Yep. Didn’t even complain once about being up at six in the morning.” PJ clapped Phil on the shoulder. “I think the entire set would thank you, if they knew it was down to you.”

Phil couldn’t help but feel a little bit proud at that.

\---

The day at the bookshop passed as slowly as ever, but Phil didn’t really mind. He went about his work with a hum and a smile on his face, buoyed up with happiness and pride that he might actually be doing some good for once. Not even stock checking down in the basement could upset his happy mood that day.

The promise of another evening spent with Dan was kind of helping, too.

Phil was a little bit intrigued about what Dan could have planned. They’d never really had  _ plans  _ before – not the kind where they knew what to expect. Phil was used to getting texts at random intervals during the day or night, demanding his attention or to keep Dan company during his breaks from the film set. Other than that, they hadn’t done much in the way of interacting, aside from when Phil went to the film set every morning he was working, or the few times Dan had shown up at his flat unannounced.

Phil had enjoyed the sporadic, spontaneous nature of their interactions up until now, but he had to admit, it was nice to have something a bit more concrete in his life. The downside was, his nerves had time to grip hold of him when he knew for sure that he would be seeing Dan later.

By mid-afternoon, Phil was a bit of a wreck. His fingers trembled as he slotted books into place, his stomach was a knot, and his heart made itself known by pounding away in his chest. This was all, quite frankly, ridiculous. He’d never felt quite this way about anyone before, never really believed it was  _ possible _ , and at 26 he thought he’d be past that kind of stupidity. Apparently, though, Dan Howell had a habit of bending the rules.

Phil took his lunch break to pop over to the café next door and grab himself another coffee (he might have a slight caffeine addiction, but he wasn’t going to mention it if no one else did). In the process, he slipped his phone out of his pocket and arched his brow to see that he’d been flooded with Twitter notifications since he’d last checked that morning.

That could only mean one thing.

And sure enough –  _ Dan Howell has tagged you in a photo. _

Phil heaved a sigh, but he was smiling a bit as he waited for the Tweet to load. It was nice to think that Dan still wanted to publicly interact with him, and Twitter was pretty harmless as far as the media went. At least the people on there seemed pretty keen on the idea of them together.

The picture, when it loaded, was a rather unflattering one of Phil hiding behind two coffee mugs, clearly taken that morning before Dan had come over to speak to him. How rude. Phil hadn’t even noticed him, the sneaky bastard that he was.

The caption was pretty sweet, though:  _ @danisnotonfire:  _ @amazingphil lives up to his name and brings me amazing coffee again

The replies were, as expected, vociferous squealing and caps-lock excitement. Phil’s lips twitched as he scrolled through them. Everyone seemed pretty happy that their photo war was still going strong, and there were actually a few people commenting on his appearance, which Phil was more than surprised about. Much to his amusement, Dan had actually replied to one.

_ @howelllesters:  _ @amazingphil is actually really cute nice catch @danisnotonfire

_ @danisnotonfire:  _ @howelllesters ikr hands off everyone else

Phil’s smile had turned into a fully formed grin. Dan was being  _ possessive _ , and Phil kind of loved it, actually. He couldn’t remember a time when someone had made it so clear they wanted Phil’s attention. Well, Dan had always been needy. Phil made a mental note to tease him about this later.

The rest of the day went peacefully. The bookshop was quiet, with only a few customers coming in to keep Lilith and Phil company, and for the most part Phil got to retreat to his own corners and bury himself with his books. That was the way he liked it. Part of the allure of working at a bookshop had been the promise of quiet moments hidden away from the rest of the world, where he would be able to ignore other people for a while and just have a bit of time to himself. Also, he got to read books for  _ fun _ , which made a nice change to the constant studying his PhD thesis demanded of him.

Quiet days were Phil’s favourite. Once he’d stocked the shelves up on the higher floors, Lilith called him down to man the tills for a while as she was headed out the back to deal with a new order. Phil went happily enough. Spending his time lounging against the counter with a book propped open and his phone out was never a bad way to spend time, in his mind.

There were only a few customers browsing the shelves, so Phil was completely relaxed when he heard the bell ring above the shop again. He lifted his head to send the new customer a cursory smile, and promptly dropped his book when he saw none other than Dan Howell crouching by the door and peeking through the blinds out onto the street.

Phil blinked. “…Can I help you?”

“Shh!” Dan hissed, flapping a hand behind him. “I think they were coming.”

“Who?” Phil was struggling to keep the chuckle out of his voice. He slipped out from behind the counter and approached Dan, leaning against the window next to him to look out onto the street.

Phil’s face fell instantly.

“They were following me from the set,” Dan hissed. “I should have noticed sooner.”

Phil recoiled from the window, looking away from the flashing lights of a camera. He stepped back into the safety of the shop, trying to ignore the little knot of worry that was slowly tightening in his stomach. Instead, he studied Dan. Dan was still leaning against the window, shoulders tense and brow furrowed as he peered outside. In his hand was a giant brown bag that Phil viewed with a mix of curiosity and mild terror.

“What’s going on?” Phil asked after a stretch of awkward silence. “Not that I’m not pleased you’re here. But aren’t you supposed to be filming?”

“There was a problem with the footage,” Dan explained, still not looking away from the window. “Or a camera, or something. We’ll have to reshoot on another day, but it means I get the afternoon off, so that’s good.”

Phil blinked. “Ok, great, but – I sort of meant more about the camera?”

“Oh.” Dan grimaced, then stepped away from the window and turned to face Phil instead. He looked tired, and a little bit nervous. Phil wanted to wrap him up. “Yeah. Sorry. They must have been hanging around after the set.”

“And they just followed you?”

“Yeah. They do that.” Dan shrugged a little ruefully. “I didn’t notice until I was already halfway across town, and I figured your workplace was better than where you live, if I was going to lead them somewhere.”

Phil was struggling to get over the turmoil that was suddenly gripping him. It had been bad enough to have a couple of Dan’s Twitter followers finding out where his bookshop was – but now there was an actual camera? With actual press?

Thankfully, Dan seemed to catch on to the way he was feeling, because he was quickly continuing, “But don’t worry, they won’t come inside. It isn’t worth the money they’d lose, considering I’d sue them to high heaven if they tried anything like that.”

Phil blinked again. “Sue? You people actually do that?”

Dan’s lips twitched. “Yes, Phil. If necessary.”

“…Right.” Phil shook his head. It was hard to get his head around just how different Dan’s world was to Phil’s sometimes, and Phil knew he’d barely seen anything of the chaos that must reign in Dan’s life. He couldn’t imagine living under such scrutiny, and especially so young. How old had Dan been when he’d started acting, again? 21?

Dan was quirking a puzzled brow at Phil. “Are you ok? I’m sorry, I know you don’t want anything to do with them.” He waved a hand to encompass the flashing cameras still just visible through the blinds.

“What?” Phil shook himself out of his thoughts, paying attention. “Oh, no, don’t worry about me. Are you ok? I mean – getting followed must be weird.”

“You get used to it.” Dan’s lips were twitching again, and he struck a pose, brown bag dangling from his fingertips. “Us infamous people, you know, we have to be accustomed to this lifestyle.”

Phil shoved him, hard. Dan yelped.

“That’s quite enough of that, Howell,” Phil sniffed, though he was grinning when Dan turned back to him.

Dan simply smirked in answer. “Whatever you say. When does your shift finish?”

“In…” Phil checked his watch, “About five minutes, actually.”

Dan’s face brightened. “Great. Then I’m calling us a car to take us to your flat.”

“A car?” Phil asked, a bit timidly, but Dan reassured him.

“A very nondescript, invisible car that will take us straight to your door. Just so they can’t follow, you know? I don’t want them knowing your address.”

Phil grimaced a bit at that thought. He’d never even considered being put in this position before, though of course he’d known that Dan’s life was very different to his own. He’d just never really been faced with the  _ reality  _ of it. Actually having a camera flashing outside his shop was a new experience, and it made everything feel so much more real.

Well, dating Daniel Howell would do that, he supposed.

“Alright,” Phil agreed, if a little reluctantly. It was hard to stay discomforted when Dan’s answering grin was wide enough to make his eyes crease, though, and he reached out to grasp Phil’s arm with eager fingers, looking like he was itching to do more.

Dating Daniel Howell was totally worth it.

\---

The car, as it turned out, was black and stylish with tinted windows. Phil was beginning to question just what exactly Dan’s version of  _ nondescript  _ meant, because this certainly wasn’t something he usually saw around his apartment building. Phil was sure he could sense the hawkish eyes of his neighbours staring from the street as he got awkwardly out of the car and stood waiting for Dan to appear.

This couldn’t be any more obvious if they’d tried.

Dan thanked the driver, who smiled and asked if he’d want a lift back to the hotel later. Dan sent a quick glance Phil’s way, then shook his head, saying he’d call later if he needed one.

Phil felt another warm tug at that. Dan was clearly planning on spending quite a bit of time here, then – to which Phil was certainly not complaining. He’d take up all of Dan’s time, if he could.

On the way up to Phil’s flat, Phil turned to Dan with narrowed eyes. “Are you going to tell me what’s in the brown bag?”

“It’s part of the surprise,” Dan shrugged. His eyes were glittering. Phil didn’t trust that look at all.

Phil huffed. “Well, just remember that I’m still not letting you anywhere near my kitchen.”

“I know, I know, you said before.”

Phil made a low, disbelieving noise as he unlocked his door. He hadn’t had a chance to clean up at all since Dan had been over last night, so the dirty plates were still in the sink and his sofa cushions were displaced and slightly ragged, but there was nothing he could do about it now. Besides, Dan had surprised him at home enough before to know that Phil wasn’t the tidiest person around.

As if proving his point, Dan was tutting the minute they made it into the kitchen. “Is it really necessary for you to have  _ every _ cupboard open at once?”

“It’s easier this way,” Phil argued as he dumped his bag on the counter, “I save time in opening doors when I need something.”

Dan shook his head. “ _ Impossible _ , you are.” He was smiling as he placed his brown bag on the counter, and then promptly shooed Phil away.

Phil eyed him with suspicion. “ _ No  _ using my oven.”

“I know, I know, to be honest I wouldn’t have the first clue where to start,” Dan admitted as he pushed Phil out of the door. “Just – go sit on the sofa, or something. Watch one of your favourite films with me in it.”

Phil’s spluttering was cut off by the kitchen door firmly closing in his face.

Phil lifted his eyes upwards, letting out a helpless sigh. He’d never been kicked out of his  _ own  _ kitchen before. He stood there for a good few minutes huffing to himself about arrogant actors and young fools who thought they could take over his life, and then did as he was told and went and sat on the sofa.

Dan reappeared twenty minutes later, balancing two plates full of an exciting-looking meal and two glasses with a bottle of wine. “Louise,” he explained at Phil’s raised eyebrows, giving a rueful smile. “All I had to do was shove it in the microwave. I really can’t take any credit.”

“I’ll thank her next time I’m on set,” Phil answered, more than a little impressed. He rescued his plate from Dan when Dan looked like he was about to trip over the corner of the sofa, feeling a warm sense of contentment at the familiar way Dan settled down into the sofa cushions next to him. The weight of another person was better than Phil had ever dreamed it could be. There was something different to when it was PJ, too – Phil never felt quite this  _ satisfied  _ at having PJ here as he did Dan. There was just something right about having Dan in his flat.

“Ok, cards on the table,” Dan started before Phil had barely got one mouthful down his throat. He looked up, seeing that Dan was sitting cross-legged with his plate on his lap, turned completely to face Phil, and that should  _ not _ be sending butterflies dancing in Phil’s stomach the way that it was. “I may have an ulterior motive in bringing you this tonight.”

Phil arched a brow. “Should I be worried?”

“Not really.” Dan fiddled with his sleeves. “At least, I hope not. I just want to talk.”

Phil tried not to worry at the way his stomach completely dropped with those words. He’d never been very good at talking. Especially not to Dan, if the last few weeks were anything to go by.

Dan rolled his eyes at Phil’s rabbit-in-the-headlights expression. “I don’t want to talk about anything  _ bad _ . I just – I – ok.” He took a breath, closed his eyes, and then said, “I feel like I need to know your boundaries.”

Phil blinked. “Huh?”

Dan opened his eyes again and sighed at Phil’s confused expression. “See, I thought you’d be completely clueless.”

“Excuse you,” Phil huffed.

“I just meant, you have no idea what I want to say, do you?” Dan cocked his head, then smirked when Phil still looked blank. “Exactly.”

“Not my fault you’re hard to read,” Phil muttered.

“Says  _ you _ ,” Dan huffed, and then he chuckled. “But that’s kind of my point.”

Phil sent him a quizzical look.

“See, if you were anyone else,” Dan explained, “I would have expected you to be trying to get me into bed by now. By  _ ages _ ago, in fact.”

Despite himself, Phil flinched.

“Exactly,” Dan pointed out. “That’s what I mean. I need to know your boundaries, Phil.”

Phil blinked at him. “Boundaries like – like what?”

“Like, what it is and isn’t ok for me to do.” Dan glanced down, then, and took a mouthful of his meal to stall for a bit. Phil traced his every movement with trepidation curling in his gut. He was a bit scared for what this conversation might mean - what exactly did Dan want to know? His boundaries?  _ Phil  _ didn't even know his boundaries. He'd never been anywhere close to this situation before.

“I don't want to scare you,” Dan said softly, his warm eyes trained straight on Phil’s face. “That's the whole point of this, Phil - I'm constantly terrified that I'm going to say or do something that'll push you too far.”

Phil visibly relaxed as understanding flowed through him. “ _ Oh.  _ So this isn't about you wanting something from me - is it? Because that would be ok.”

“Would it?” Dan questioned starkly. “Are you sure? Because so far you've freaked out every time I try and do something.”

Phil winced. That was a bit harsh - although, actually maybe he deserved it. His track record on not-freaking-out wasn't so great so far. “Ok, fair enough,” he admitted after a minute. “I can see your point.”

Dan blew out a relieved breath.

“It's just,” Phil tried to explain, “I don't want - I don't want you to give up anything for me.”

Dan blinked.

“I mean,” Phil rushed on, “I wouldn't want you to miss out on whatever it is you might want out of - um - out of whatever this is.”

Dan quirked a brow, lips twitching. “You're great with your words there, Phil.”

Phil shoved him, risking spilling both their dinners over his sofa. He sighed. “What I meant is,  _ Dan,  _ what happens if my boundaries don't match yours?”

“That's what I need to know,” Dan insisted. “So I don't push you too far.”

“But what if  _ I  _ don't give you enough?”

“Enough of what?”

“Enough of - of - whatever it is you want.” Phil fumbled over his words, cursing his inability to put his feelings into actual understandable sentences. This was always so  _ hard _ , because sometimes he felt like he and Dan understood each other, but then other times it felt like they were on completely different pages.

Dan’s eyes were still soft as he looked at Phil. “What is it you think I want, Phil?”

Phil looked miserable. “Are you really going to make me say it?”

“I think you're going to have to, because frankly I haven't got a clue what you're going on about.”

Phil sighed. He took a moment to gather his thoughts, pushing his food around on his plate, and eventually spoke down to his sofa cushions so he wouldn't have to see Dan laughing at him. “Assuming that this is a …  _ relationship _ … which I'm assuming it is, because, you know, the kissing and stuff, then won't you want all the normal relationship things?” Phil chanced a glance up to see Dan looking at him curiously.

Dan’s lips twitched. “You're talking about sex, Phil, aren't you.”

Phil flinched. “Well, you don't have to say it like  _ that _ !”

“I do actually,” Dan corrected with a smirk. “One of us has to be frank around here.”

Phil spluttered. He could feel heat rising up the nape of his neck at an alarming rate, and he shoved a mouthful of food into his mouth to give himself something to do that wasn't looking at Dan Howell’s smug face.

“Assuming you  _ are _ talking about sex,” Dan continued, and laughed as Phil proceeded to choke, “You can chill out about that.”

Phil swallowed past the burning in his throat and gave Dan an incredulous look. “Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

“But - isn't it - isn't it, like,  _ key  _ for you people?”

“Excuse you?!” Dan demanded. “ _ Us people _ ? Do you think the rest of the universe are sex addicts, or something?”

“Of course not!” Phil spluttered. “I mean, maybe? I don't know!”

Dan huffed, but then he was laughing. “Ok, Phil. I can categorically tell you that isn't true.”

Phil stared at him. “Seriously?”

“Seriously,” Dan agreed. “Sex isn't that great.”

Phil narrowed his eyes. “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.”

“And are you  _ seriously  _ telling me you're ok with never having it again?” Phil pressed, because he'd gone this far and it seemed only right to take this to the end. “Like,  _ never  _ again. Because this thing between us - I’d want it to be exclusive.”

Dan’s eyes were shining as he stared at Phil. 

“I mean,” Phil hastened to add, suddenly realising how presumptuous that had been of him, “Only if that's what you want. Oh, shit, I mean if you  _ want _ . Obviously you don't have to be in a relationship with me, I mean, you're freaking  _ Dan Howell,  _ you could probably go and pick up anyone you want…”

“Yeah,” Dan agreed readily enough, his eyes still shining, “I probably could.”

Phil’s heart sank.

“In fact, I already have.” Dan leaned a bit closer, plates be damned, and wrapped his hand firmly around Phil’s. 

Phil stared at him in quiet shock.

“Believe it or not, Phil,” Dan added with a sparkling gaze, “I’d choose you above literally everything else you've just said.”

Phil was completely floored by that.

“And besides,” Dan shrugged, “I have my hand if I ever miss sex  _ that  _ much.”

Phil’s face, if possible, turned even redder.

“Was that too much?” Dan was still tracking his every movement with those sparkling eyes, pinning Phil in place with a warm, firm gaze.

Phil swallowed, but slowly shook his head. “‘No. I can - if there are no details, I can handle it.”

Dan’s lips twitched towards. “Ok. That makes for a nice change, Tyler’s usually bugging me for every tiny intimate thing.”

Phil blinked. Tyler? Who was that again? Not that it really mattered for the moment. Phil had bigger things to talk about.

“So what you're saying is,” Phil hedged, “You're actually fine with missing out on …  _ that _ ?”

Dan nodded, still smiling as he looked at Phil. “If I get you in return, I don't consider myself as missing out on anything.”

Well, that was hardly fair. How was Phil supposed to respond to that with anything other than a giant grin?

“I do get you, right?” Dan asked then, his voice going small as he looked away from Phil’s eyes.

Phil watched him carefully, and then shifted their hands until his fingers were interlocked with Dan’s. “Of  _ course _ you do, you idiot.”

Dan’s answering smile was brilliant. He squeezed Phil’s fingers, and his hand was so much bigger than Phil’s that Phil’s fingers basically disappeared inside his grip. That was new. Phil didn't think he actually knew anyone else who was taller than him.

“So back to my original question,” Dan murmured, giving Phil’s fingers another squeeze, “Are things like  _ this _ ok?”

Phil looked back up at him. “You mean holding my hand?”

Dan nodded, and he was looking all flustered and  _ shy.  _ Phil’s heart slipped over in his chest.

Dan took a breath. “I may have been doing some research, and there was this thing that said some ace people are touch averse--”

“You've been reading up on me?” Phil asked delightedly.

Dan fidgeted about, screwing his face up. “Shut up, it's easier than actually getting you to  _ talk  _ to me, Lester.”

Well. Phil supposed he couldn't really argue with that.

“So anyway,” Dan carried on determinedly, “Is it ok to hold hands? You aren't just doing it to make me feel better?”

“No, no, I actually like it,” Phil hastened to reassure. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. It's good.” Phil squeezed Dan’s hand back, and then shifted their almost-empty plates around so he could lean into Dan’s side a bit. “Things like this are all good.”

Dan sagged against him a small sigh, and Phil naturally wound his other arm around Dan’s shoulders to pull him against his chest. Dan settled there comfortably enough, tucking his legs up under him and sprawling out across Phil.

“Things like this are good, too,” Phil murmured into Dan’s ear.

Dan’s grin was audible. “So you're a cuddler.”

“...Maybe.”

“That is absolutely fine by me,” Dan assured with a content little sigh. His face was pressed right into Phil’s t shirt, his voice rumbling against Phil’s chest. He was curled up in a little ball and so  _ warm  _ in Phil’s hold that Phil decided right there he never wanted to let Dan go. He'd never really wanted this before, but that didn't mean he didn't want it  _ now _ .

“Promise me one thing?” Dan mumbled into Phil’s t shirt.

“Of course.”

“You have to tell me the second anything I do freaks you out.”

“Dan, you aren't going to freak me out--”

“No?” Dan sat up with a little glare. “Because I've done that before, and I swear to God, if you run out on me again…”

“I won’t, I won't!” Phil promised. “I'll tell you. Actual, good communication, I promise.”

“You'd better.” Dan narrowed his eyes.

Phil nodded, and tugged at Dan until he was resting back against Phil’s chest.

“Besides,” Phil added after a moment of comfortable silence, “Pretty sure you were the one that ran out on me last time, Howell.”

“It was with good reason!”

“Whatever. Just don't do that again.” Phil nosed at his hair, closed his eyes, breathed him in. “I like having you here with me.”

**Dan’s smile was hidden in Phil’s chest. “Good, because I'm growing to quite like it here.” **


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome to whose fic is it anyway where the update schedule’s made up and the word count doesn’t matter
> 
> ^^ ok so I stole that from a tumblr post xD but it's accurate. I'm sorry for leaving this so long, but I'm hoping that updates will be more regular now (I'll aim for weekly again? But don't hold me to that xD). Thank you to everyone leaving me comments, I cannot reply to them sadly but I read them and love them and you're all awesome
> 
> And as ever thank you to mecaka, my wonderful beta, who I literally could not write this without. You're fabulous <3

The next few weeks were a rush of whirlwind, but Phil was most definitely along for the ride.

Things with Dan and him – they just kept escalating and escalating, until Phil suddenly couldn’t remember a time when he wasn’t getting a text every few minutes from Dan complaining about filming in the rain, or how uncomfortable and inconvenient cloaks were and why did he have to act in costume, or badgering him to come by with coffee on his next break.

Phil would always grumble, but then end up humouring him anyway.

The film set was getting busier and busier every time Phil went – not with crowds of people wanting to get a glimpse of the actors, that had actually died down a lot in the four months the filming had been going on, but the crew and the extras and the cameramen seemed to grow every time Phil turned around. He was still visiting the film set just about every day, and getting to know Dan’s colleagues fairly well. Louise was a bit of a delight, even if she did have a habit of ruffling his hair every time Phil visited.

In fact, since Tom, the actor who’d caused Dan so much trouble, had moved on, the set in general was a happier place. There were far fewer days where Dan would appear at Phil’s door stressed and miserable, and many more times where he’d come around with a smile and a new treat from the supermarket down the road, full to bursting of happy stories from the set for the day.

“There were actual  _ dancers _ ,” he enthused from Phil’s sofa, knee bouncing excitedly, completely ignoring the fact that Phil was currently knee-deep in textbooks, “Teaching us the ropes, you know, and then they were the extras so we got to just stand in the middle of this beautiful flowing scene of a ball, seriously—”

“As beautiful as I’m sure it was, I  _ am _ trying to work here,” Phil grouched, barely even looking up from his laptop.

Dan was pouting at him. Phil could  _ sense _ it. “Well, sorry for trying to share my special moment with you.”

“I get enough special moments from you,” Phil answered grumpily, looking up to flash Dan a quick grin. “I’m glad you’re having fun, though.”

“More fun than you.” Dan looked with evident distaste at the books and papers currently crowding every available surface in Phil’s flat. He was in the middle of writing his thesis, and also probably would have been crying about it if it weren’t for Dan’s presence. Dan had a rare day off, and had opted to spend it in Phil’s flat.

Phil couldn’t have been more grateful.

He wasn’t very good at showing it, though, so he looked back up at Dan and offered him a small smile. “Which ball scene were you doing?”

“The first one,” Dan answered, “You know, with Estelle basically saying fuck off to all her suitors.”

Phil snorted. “Not in those exact words, I hope.”

“Well, no, but it comes close enough.”

“So you were dancing with Louise.” Phil thought that over, holding back a grin. “The two clumsiest people on set –  _ that _ must have gone well.”

Dan snorted. “You bet. We actually didn’t manage to break anything, though I almost dropped her twice.”

“I bet she was really grateful for that.”

“You are the  _ worst _ ,” Dan huffed, and then folded his arms and stuck his nose in the air. “She was grateful, anyway, anyone would be at the chance to be in my arms.”

Phil almost laughed, wanted to, really, if it weren’t for the odd flare of …  _ something _ that rattled through him. He frowned. For some reason, he didn’t much like the thought of anyone else being in Dan’s arms, not when that was a spot he reserved for Phil.

Was he  _ jealous _ ?

Phil bit his lip. He’d never been jealous before. Well, Phil supposed, he’d never really had anyone to be jealous  _ of _ before, either.

Dan, as insightful as ever, seemed to pick up on Phil’s sudden change of mood. He tilted his head, brown eyes glinting wickedly. “Not that many people get the chance to be held by me.”

“Arrogant sod,” Phil muttered, determinedly burying his face back in his laptop. He  _ wasn’t _ jealous, not really.

Dan was still watching him. When next he spoke, there was curiosity in his tone. “Is that something you’d like?”

“What? Dancing with you?” Phil was quick to scoff, still buried in his laptop. “Nah. No way. I’m even clumsier than Louise, we’d probably kill a small child.”

“Not if we did it right.” Dan was leaning closer, hovering over the edge of the sofa with his eyes trained on where Phil was working at his desk. “Besides, I meant more the being-in-my-arms part.”

Phil spluttered.

“ _ Is _ that something you’d want?” There was mirth bubbling just under Dan’s tone.

Phil looked away from his laptop for long enough to send him a glare (well, it was  _ supposed _ to be a glare. Dan was smirking, though, which meant Phil ended up kind-of-grinning back). Phil considered the question, trying to look as if he wasn’t thinking that hard and failing miserably.

Being held by Dan – that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. But Phil didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of admitting to it, so he said gruffly, “Can’t think why anyone would want that.”

Dan just laughed. “Well. The offer is always open to you.”

Phil glanced up again from his laptop (at this point he wasn’t getting anything done, having Dan in his flat was too distracting). Dan was still on the sofa, glancing down at his phone and idly scrolling – at least, it looked idle at first glance. When Phil studied him a bit closer, though, he could see a slight tightness to Dan’s features, creases at the corners of his eyes and a little furrow in the centre of his forehead that suggested he wasn’t quite as at ease as he was pretending to be.

Phil set his laptop aside. “Well, if it’s  _ always _ open, I might just take that up.”

Dan looked up from his phone straight away, which was sign enough that he hadn’t really been paying attention to it. When Dan was  _ really _ deep in scrolling, Phil had to call his name at least four times before he’d look up. Right now, though, Dan’s expression was still wary. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Phil had a momentary staring-contest with his laptop, and then caved slowly, deciding he could take at least a little break. “I’d much rather be doing that than writing this, to be honest.”

“Phil, you’re a terrible student.” Despite his words, Dan’s tone had softened, and when Phil glanced back over he was smiling a bit.

Unable to resist that smile for long, Phil got up and went and plonked himself down on the sofa next to Dan, reaching for the TV remote. “Half an hour. I’m allowed half an hour, I’ve been writing for  _ hours _ and I don’t even think actual sentences are coming out anymore.”

“Well, that’s a good enough reason to me.” Dan’s phone was back in his pocket, and he was eyeing Phil closely, almost – almost nervously? The sofa cushions shifted a bit as Dan settled closer, and then he was lifting one arm, winding it cautiously around Phil’s shoulders.

Phil instinctively leaned into the touch. Dan was warm, the space between his shoulder and neck comfortable as Phil settled his head there. He drew his knees into Dan’s side and relaxed against him, still flipping through channels with the remote in his other hand.

Dan’s arm fluttered around his shoulders once, and then it settled, holding him tighter. Phil found himself smiling. Being held was nice, apparently – he didn’t think anyone had held him like this before, and certainly no one taller than him. For once, Phil wasn’t slightly put out by their minimal height difference.

Dan leaned his head against Phil’s, murmured, “This ok?”

“Yeah,” Phil promised him, voice equally low as he finally settled on something to watch. “You don’t have to keep asking me that, you know.”

“Asking you what?”

“If I’m ok.”

“Yes, I do,” Dan insisted.

“Dan—”

“I  _ do _ , and I will,” Dan interrupted stubbornly. “I’m not going to push you too far, or make you uncomfortable again. So just, deal with it.”

Phil bit back another grin. “Alright, if you insist.”

“I do.”

Phil nudged his head against Dan’s, curled in a little bit closer. “Alright. But I’m probably going to be ok with everything you do.”

“So much the better, then.” Dan sounded delighted, and then casually stole the remote from Phil and flipped the channel again.

\---

The next thing Dan did that kind of took Phil by surprise happened at the film set.

Phil was only calling by on his way back home again – he’d just finished up a shift at the bookshop, and it was still early afternoon, but he heard the calling of his thesis that was in desperate need of attention. Still, that didn’t stop him calling in to check on Dan (and PJ, of course, Phil hadn’t forgotten about his friend).

PJ was on a break, conveniently, so he spent a few minutes leaning against the wall and chatting to Phil in quiet whispers so as not to disturb the filming. They hadn’t had a chance to catch up properly in what felt like far too long, and Phil felt a little guilty that it was partially his fault. He’d been so wrapped up in Dan that the other people in his life had suffered for it.

…Sure, the only other people in his life might be his family and PJ, but they were still important.

PJ didn’t seem to mind, though, as he excitedly filled Phil in on all the happenings on-set since the last time they’d spoken. PJ was doing a bit of the actual filming now, under Xander’s strict instruction (who PJ assured Phil was a lot scarier than he first seemed). Watching him now, Phil could almost believe it, with the way he was frowning as he got the camera angle just right.

The scene they were filming today was another big one, and there were a lot more people on set than there usually would be. Dan was somewhere in the middle of it, PJ informed Phil, so Phil stayed in the quiet little corner and tried not to fret too much because he couldn’t actually see Dan.

When the next break was called, PJ was called back over to Xander, so he waved a quick goodbye to Phil and disappeared back into the crowds. Phil watched him go with a slight smile. He was just contemplating on whether or not to head home (his thesis really  _ did _ need to get worked on), when Dan came striding towards him with a smirk that quickly straightened into a smile when he caught Phil’s eye.

Phil could feel his own lips curving up in response. Gruffly, he said, “There you are. Finally found time for me, huh?”

“Needy much,” Dan joked, but he came closer anyway, right up to Phil’s side where he belonged. “Where’s my coffee?”

“I don’t only come here to provide you with caffeine,” Phil sniffed.

Dan laughed, and then did the thing that surprised Phil.

He reached out and grabbed Phil’s hand.

Phil couldn’t stop himself from giving a slight start, glancing down in surprise at their linked fingers. Right on the set. In front of everybody.

Nervously, Dan twitched his fingers in Phil’s hold and murmured, “Is this ok?”

“Um,” Phil started.

Dan instantly cursed, retracting his fingers. “Fuck, sorry. I promised I wouldn’t push you too far.”

“No, no – it isn’t – it isn’t  _ that _ .” Phil glanced up at Dan again, continuing in a conspiratorial whisper, “Isn’t this just a bit … public?”

Dan tilted his head. “No one’s looking at us?”

“Pretty sure everyone is always looking at freaking Daniel Howell,” Phil muttered.

Dan laughed again, quietly, and obediently flicked an exaggerated glance to his left and right before turning back to Phil. “Everyone is busy with the filming. There are way too many people here for anyone to bother with what I’m doing.”

“Are you sure?” Phil hedged.

Dan nodded, his eyes glinting amber in the spring sunshine. It was one of those rare days in Manchester where the rain wasn’t falling, and the clouds were thin enough that the sun could just manage to bleed through. The air was still chilly, but it didn’t feel like enough to bite Phil’s fingers off if he didn’t wear gloves, which was a definite improvement.

After another moment, Phil grinned, reached out, and took Dan’s hand back in his own.

Dan instantly grinned back at him.

It wasn’t much – a simple hand-hold really wasn’t that big of a deal, not even for Phil, but it was the fact that Dan was willing to do something like that in such a public place. It made Phil happy, and it made him more secure. The old fear that something terrible would happen if they were caught was still niggling a bit, but overall, Phil was feeling a lot more relaxed when it came to things between him and Dan.

After all, Dan had made it more than clear that he was never going to push Phil past a point where Phil was comfortable. That was enough to make Phil feel safe.

So he held Dan’s hand as they leaned in their corner and chatted, put up with Dan taking another selfie to post up on Twitter, and promised that yes, Dan could come around later that evening again, as he did almost every night.

All in all, things weren’t bad. Things weren’t bad at all.

\---

The next development was a bit more of an auspicious one, but it was done in just the same manner as everything in their relationship – carefully, and with lots of miscommunication.

For once, though, it was Phil that initiated the next shift. He hadn’t even really  _ meant  _ to, but still, it had happened.

They’d been curled up together on Phil’s sofa, as they were almost every evening, this time arguing over the merits of the ending of  _ Evangelion. _ Dan insisted that it was a work of pure genius, one of the best things ever to come out of the anime world, and he was very eloquent about it.

Phil just happened to disagree.

“It didn’t even make  _ sense _ ,” he pointed out, voice slightly muffled from where his face was pressed into Dan’s chest.

“No, it  _ did _ ,” Dan argued right back. His left arm was wrapped around Phil’s shoulders, his right hand laying gently against Phil’s knee, tapping out a rhythm there. Phil liked watching his fingers. “It was the best way to end that show, it was actually  _ beautiful _ .”

“If there needs to be a film to explain the ending—”

“—Then it isn’t a good ending, I  _ know _ ,” Dan exhaled loudly against Phil’s hair, “But that doesn’t mean it was  _ bad _ .”

“I think it does, actually.”

“No, Phil, it just went over your head, that’s the real issue here.”

“Rude,” Phil scoffed, shoving his face further into Dan’s chest. “Rude and unnecessary.”

Dan’s laughter rumbled through his chest, echoing in Phil’s ear where he had it pressed right against Dan. Of all the recent developments in his and Dan’s relationship, Phil was perhaps happiest with the excessive cuddling. Both of them liked it, and it had become the norm for them to curl up in a heap of limbs every night after dinner, sprawled across Phil’s couch or, twice, his bed, when they both wanted more space to stretch.

“I should go soon,” Dan murmured after a moment, his fingers playing with Phil’s hair.

Phil sighed. “Wish you didn’t have to.”

Dan paused. Phil could feel him go still, and he lifted his head up with a questioning look.

Dan’s eyes were calculating as he stared down at Phil. “You mean that?”

“Yeah.” Phil smirked a bit, reached out to press his thumb into the hint of Dan’s dimple. “I generally prefer it when you’re here.”

Dan moved his head away irritably, the ghost of a smile flitting across his lips. His fingers resumed their relentless tapping against Phil’s thigh, and then he said, “Well.”

“Well?”

Dan shifted, but he didn’t speak.

Phil manoeuvred himself upright, untangling himself just enough to send Dan a stern look. “Out with it, Howell.”

Dan wriggled. He avoided Phil’s gaze, instead studying the sofa cushions as he said, slowly, “Well. I could just…not go.”

Phil blinked at him. “…Don’t you have a five-star hotel room waiting for you?”

“Well yeah, but.” Dan made a face. “It doesn’t have a you in it.”

Phil’s grin was practically wicked. “Who’s needy now?”

Dan shoved at him, his face still screwed up.

“If you’re serious, though,” Phil continued quietly, “I’d really, really love that.”

Dan looked at him, and suddenly his face was all open and vulnerable and  _ honest _ . This was the side to Dan that Phil knew no one else got to see – or, not in anything other than rare glimpses, at least. Dan Howell was a confident, almost arrogant actor when he was out in public, but here? Here, he was just a young man with far too many insecurities for someone in his position.

Phil reached out to grab Dan’s hand, his thumb swiping gentle strokes across Dan’s palm. “You could stay. My bed is big enough, I have some pyjamas you could borrow.”

“Would you be alright with that, though?” Dan asked, his serious gaze pinning Phil in place.

Phil nodded his head. “Hundred percent.”

“Are you  _ absolutely  _ sure, though, because I don’t want you just to say yes because you think it’s what I want.”

“Dan,” Phil said pointedly, “I would have stopped seeing you a long time ago if I didn’t want this.”

Dan bit his lip, clearly still undecided.

Determined to fix his expression, Phil leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to Dan’s lips. He was still a bit shy about initiating these things, knowing he was less than experienced and also still liable to freak out sometimes, but it usually made Dan happy when he kissed him, and Phil really liked that. He also liked the kisses.

“I’m positive,” he explained once he’d pulled back, and gave Dan’s hand a little tug. “C’mon. I’ll show you what you can borrow, then I’ll go get changed in the bathroom.”

Dan’s answering smile was beaming. Dimples and everything – Phil’s favourite expression on him, as it happened.

\---

The night was warm and spent in comfort, and it was completely new to Phil.

Sharing a bed was something he’d thought about in passing before – perhaps even dreamed of it, thinking it could be nice to have another warm body to cuddle up to at night. But it had never happened, and he’d been more than fine with that. He tended to splay out a lot anyway, so it probably wouldn’t be comfortable.

And then, Dan happened.

It turned out that sharing a bed was full of more logistical problems than Phil had previously thought – there were too many limbs and bony joints getting in the way, and one part of his body seemed to have pins-and-needles all through the night – but he’d also never realised just how  _ nice _ it could be. Dan was just as much a sprawler as Phil, only he’d found a way to wrap himself completely around Phil, pressed up to his back with an arm slung lazily over Phil’s waist.

Phil couldn’t quite believe how comfortable he was, actually. Despite the fact that he could do with stretching his legs out, and Dan’s breathing was tickling his ear, the last thing Phil wanted to do was move. Dan was incredibly warm, comfortingly solid, a good presence behind him.

Phil closed his eyes again, deciding he wasn’t going to be the first one to move. It was morning already, if the light just peeking under Phil’s curtains was anything to go by, and Dan probably had to get back to the set at some point, but Phil wasn’t needed in the bookshop until that afternoon, and he planned to take full advantage of it.

Besides, Dan would have set an alarm if he’d needed to, right?

Unable to get his tired, happy brain to think properly, Phil simply closed his eyes and cuddled up closer to Dan. He turned carefully in Dan’s arms until he could see his face, and smiled a little when Dan didn’t wake. His eyes were closed, his hair a complete mess, and just the hint of a dimple pressed into his cheek.

Phil was tempted to reach out and poke it, but also, he kind of wanted to look at Dan being like this forever.

As it was, Phil simply nuzzled into him, closing his eyes and tentatively laying a hand on Dan’s side, above his pyjama top. Well, Phil’s pyjama top that he’d borrowed. That sent another little thrill of happiness through Phil – this quiet intimacy, this was what he craved. Exactly this and nothing else.

Their little corner of peace continued on until the door opened with an unexpected bang.

Phil shot upright quickly, dislodging Dan’s arm from around his waist and turning with wide eyes to stare at the wall separating the bedroom from the rest of his tiny, one-room flat. There were footsteps coming from through there.

Heart in his mouth, Phil’s hand edged towards the edge of the covers, ready to slide out of them and…and do what? Beat the burglar around the head with his desk lamp?

Phil bit back a scared laugh and turned back to Dan, who had groaned and tugged the blankets closer to him. Clearly he wasn’t bothered, then. Phil contemplated waking him, but then there was a  _ crash _ from the next room and the footsteps grew closer.

Phil jumped, getting half-out of the bed at just the same time that PJ appeared, his gaze accusatory. “There you are!”

“It’s you!” Phil huffed in relief finally, collapsing back onto the bed. “Peej, you almost gave me a heart attack!”

PJ ignored him in favour of leaning against the wall and folding his arms, sending Phil a narrow-eyed stare. “You’re dating Dan Howell, aren’t you?”

“Wah?” Phil blinked, at the same time as there was a rustle from beside him.

Oh no.

Dan sat up, emerging from the covers with rumpled hair and sleepy eyes, and said casually, “Yes, PJ, Phil is aware of that.”

Phil wanted to run away and hide.

PJ was making spluttering noises from the corner of the room, staring between them as if they’d suddenly grown two heads. Phil grimaced, turning just enough to send Dan a pointed glare, to which Dan just raised his brows back at him. “What? He  _ asked _ .”

“You didn’t  _ have _ to,” Phil said helplessly. He rubbed at his temples, frowning a bit when his head started throbbing. His throat was kind of sore, as well, but he wasn’t getting sick. Phil refused.

“So how long has this been a thing?” PJ spoke up from his corner of the room, apparently getting over himself enough to take in what was properly going on. He gestured between Dan and Phil, and oh no, Phil recognised that little knowing glint to his eye.

Dan shrugged, answering when Phil failed to, “Only since he got his shit together.”

“ _ Dan _ —”

“So never?”

“ _ PJ! _ ”

“I mean, never is a  _ bit _ harsh…”

“Ok, that’s enough, that’s enough,” Phil stated loudly, wincing when his head pounded. His throat  _ really _ hurt, as well. “You, get out,” he made a flapping motion at PJ, “And you, go back to bed.” He glowered at Dan, and then set about rolling out of bed to head after PJ.

Dan grinned up at him. “No one’s ever  _ told _ me to have a lie in before.”

“You’re insufferable,” Phil grunted, but he couldn’t ignore the fond little tug that seeing a sleepy Dan all wrapped up in his bedsheets gave him.

Dan simply winked, and then stretched out very obviously. “Come back soon.”

Phil rolled his eyes. He straightened his pyjama top and pulled his fringe down into its rightful place before squaring his shoulders and heading round the wall into the rest of his flat, grimacing when he saw that PJ had made himself quite comfortable on his sofa.

At least the kettle was on.

PJ watched him with sharp eyes as Phil stomped into the kitchen to get down three mugs. “So. Were you going to tell me?”

Phil winced. He glanced back at PJ with guilt tugging at him, and lifted one shoulder in a half-shrug. “I wanted to. But…it’s complicated?”

“Yeah,” PJ murmured thoughtfully, glancing back to the other room before looking back at Phil, “Yeah, I suppose it is.”

“I did want to tell you though,” Phil admitted. “But – it’s only just happened.  _ I _ don’t even understand it, yet, and…saying it out loud makes it more real.”

PJ stood, then, and crossed to help Phil get the coffee out (Phil had kind of just been staring at the water inside his kettle beginning to bubble). He laid a quick hand on Phil’s shoulder, then retreated. “But this  _ is _ what you want, isn’t it?”

Phil looked around to see PJ sending him a concerned look. He smiled. PJ was a good friend – a very good friend. Phil trusted him more with this than probably anyone else – except maybe his mum. “Yes, PJ. I’m sure.”

PJ arched a brow.

“I’m  _ sure _ ,” Phil reiterated, and finally took the coffee off PJ to start spooning it into the mugs.

“And you’re happy?” PJ pressed.

Phil took a moment to consider that, turning and glancing at the wall separating them from the bed with Dan Howell in it.  _ Dan Howell.  _ In his bed.

“Yes,” Phil said, and his eyes had softened. “Yes, I’m happy.”

“Then I’m happy too,” PJ answered, sounding pacified. Phil let out a relieved breath. He hadn’t realised just how important it was to him that PJ approved, but…well, it was. In general, Phil trusted PJ’s judgement. It was good to have him in agreement.

Phil turned to him with one more cautious question, though. “You won’t tell anyone, right?”

PJ looked surprised.

“It’s just,” Phil rushed to explain, “Things are kind of…really complicated. With Dan being who he is, I mean.”

“You mean being a famous actor isn’t the easiest thing in the world,” PJ answered, his lips twitching up.

Phil snorted. “Yeah. That. It’s just…we don’t need the added pressure.”

“I get it,” PJ reassured him, “Don’t worry. I was actually coming over to see if you knew where Dan was, though.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, he was supposed to be on set an hour ago.”

Phil blinked. Then he turned to PJ with a resigned look. “Really?”

PJ nodded, unable to hide his smile this time.

Phil raised his eyes upwards. “I swear, sometimes I feel more like a babysitter than anything. DAN! Get out here!”

There was a muffled groan from the other room.

PJ snorted again. “I mean, I  _ would _ let you rest, only Dan being late seems like a bad idea if you two are trying to keep a low profile.”

“Tell me about it,” Phil muttered.

“Otherwise,” PJ added, and there was a dangerous level of mirth bubbling in his tone, “I’d have left you alone. You looked  _ really _ comfortable.”

Phil sent him a helpless glare. PJ just grinned back, though, and Phil couldn’t hold his glare long before his lips were twitching up, too. After all, he  _ had _ been comfortable curled up in bed with Dan, and the idea of staying there all morning was quite appealing, actually. If PJ hadn’t come to drop real life on them, Phil would have enjoyed waking up in Dan’s arms and being allowed to stay there.

Reality existed, though, which was why Phil went stamping back into the room to wake Dan up properly.

Dan still looked cute, all curled up in Phil’s bedsheets with his pyjamas rumpled and his hair a curly mess. He groaned again when Phil called his name, and swatted at him when Phil shook his shoulder.

“Who gave you the  _ right _ ,” Dan mumbled, trying to get the bedsheets over his head.

“You did,” Phil pointed out sagely, fighting Dan every step of the way, “When you decided to sleep in my bed.”

“You are the  _ worst _ .”

“Yes, yes I am.” Phil finally took hold of the sheets and ripped them away from Dan’s body, leaving him to grumble and crack open one eye in a very unhappy glare.

“Morning,” Phil said brightly.

“The  _ worst _ ,” Dan grumbled, sitting up and running his palms down his face. “What did PJ want?”

“To take you to the set. You’re late.”

“Shit.” Dan blinked again, then casually stole Phil’s phone from the bedside table to check the time, ruffling up his hair in the process. “Oh, I’m  _ really _ late.”

“How can you be so calm about that?” Phil bunched the sheets in his hand, then dropped them and settled down next to Dan.

Dan wasted no time in nestling up against him, winding an arm securely around Phil’s waist. Phil quite liked that, and he had to bite back a smile as Dan answered, “Easy. I mean, I’m late more than I’m on time, to be honest.”

Phil shuddered at the mere  _ thought _ .

“I’m meant to be working with Louise, though,” Dan continued with a sigh, putting Phil’s phone down in favour of hiding his head in Phil’s shoulder. “She’ll be mad if I don’t go.”

“So you’re going to go,” Phil answered decisively, and got to his feet again with a disgruntled yowl from Dan. “I’d give it fifteen minutes before Peej forcibly drags you out of here. You can shower first.”

“I  _ hate _ you,” Dan grumbled.

Phil threw a towel at his face on the way out of the room.

\---

Things went … pretty well, actually, from there on out.

Dan made it to the set in time for his scenes (well, most of the time), and all his spare hours were spent camped in Phil’s flat – even if Phil himself wasn’t in at the time. Phil had lost count of the number of times he’d come home from a shift at the bookshop to find Dan curled up on his sofa, or snacking on something from his kitchen, or stretched out having a nap in his bed.

“Well, you shouldn’t have given me a key, then,” Dan pointed out through a yawn on one such occasion, and Phil didn’t really have an answer to that, so he just went to join Dan in watching the newest American Horror Story episode.

It was nice, having someone else taking over his life like that. Several of Dan’s belongings just kind of appeared, taking over corners or crannies or cupboards that Phil hadn’t noticed felt too empty before. There wasn’t too much of it, either, but then Dan pointed out that he’d been living out of a suitcase for the past few months anyway, so he didn’t have too much with him. In fact, Dan much preferred spending time in Phil’s place than his hotel room.

Phil had to hide a smile at that.

He stretched, rolling over on his bed and cricking his neck, doing his best not to send several papers flying. He’d banished Dan to the sitting room to give him a chance of actually getting some work done, without Dan crawling over him asking  _ what’s that  _ and  _ wow you read a lot of books  _ and  _ you’ve typed the same sentence like five times are you ok _ . With Dan’s absence, Phil had actually managed another 1000-word dent in his thesis, which was an improvement considering what his work ethic had been like lately. Having someone else in the flat was distracting, to say the least.

Still, Phil felt like he’d worked his quota for the day, and his stomach was rumbling, so he closed the lid of his laptop and rolled off the bed, stretching before heading off to find Dan.

Dan was stretched out on Phil’s sofa with his headphones in, staring with a small smile at his laptop screen. He didn’t look up when Phil appeared. Assuming he was immersed in some video or other, Phil wandered up behind him and ruffled his hair, then bent to press a kiss to the top of his head. “Hey. I’m done. Want to find food with me?”

Dan squawked – which, ok, that wasn’t the sound Phil had been expecting him to make. Neither were his next movements, because Dan was suddenly moving lightning-fast to slam down the lid of his laptop and stare up at Phil with a betrayed look.

Phil blinked. “What did I do?”

“Phil!” Dan sounded mortified.

Phil’s forehead creased and he crossed his arms. “I thought you  _ wanted _ to spend time with me.”

“But – but – you just kissed me!” Dan sounded astonished – and  _ affronted _ , actually.

Phil blinked, again. “…Yeah, that’s a thing we’ve been doing? I was sure you’d noticed.”

“You kissed me!” Dan said, again, followed by, “On camera!”

Phil faltered. “What?”

“Me! You kissed me!!”

“Yes, I know that, but what did you say about a camera?”

“I was on Skype!” Dan pulled his headphones off and turned to give Phil a properly incredulous stare.

Phil choked. “You were  _ what _ ?”

“On Skype!” Dan’s voice had shot up several octaves, and then he turned to give his laptop a despairing look.

Phil pressed his hands into his face, and then stared at Dan’s laptop with a look of abject horror. Panic was building in his chest, his stomach clenching and his thoughts quickly spiralling into disaster.

“Oh,” Phil started, “Oh  _ fuck _ .”

“Yeah,” Dan answered faintly.

“It wasn’t—” Phil swallowed, “It wasn’t your  _ mum _ , was it?”

Dan snorted, which was enough to break the tension. Or would have been, if Phil’s insides didn’t currently feel like they were trying to fight their way out. “No, not my mum.”

“Thank goodness.”

“Way worse, actually.”

“ _ Worse _ ?” Phil sank down onto the couch, sitting on Dan’s legs (Dan made a noise of complaint, but didn’t push him off). “What could be  _ worse _ ?”

Dan was sending him a look that Phil didn’t much like. “So. Have I mentioned my roommate to you?”

Phil arched a brow. “The make-up artist?”

“Yeah. Tyler.” Dan gestured to his closed laptop and grimaced. “Also the worst gossiper I know.”

“You’re  _ kidding _ .”

“I wish.”

Phil went back to staring at the laptop with a new and intense form of panic. “You have to open it again.”

“No, no I don’t.”

“Dan! What’s he going to think?”

“I have no idea.” Dan’s forehead wrinkled. It was distractingly cute.

“Well, I think he’s going to think I’m some kind of miscreant.” Phil was still hiding his face in his hands. “A kissing miscreant. Oh, damn, your flatmate is going to think I’m a kissing miscreant.”

Dan cracked up at that. Phil was a bit put out, really, but it didn’t last long as he peeked through his fingers and watched Dan’s shoulders shake and his eyes light up.

“Come off it,” Dan managed finally, giving Phil a good-natured kick.

Phil still grimaced, flopping down against Dan’s side with a loud sigh (and an ‘oof’ from Dan). “I wanted to make a good impression on your friends.”

“You already have,” Dan reassured him through a fond little smile. There was a hand in Phil’s hair. That was nice. “I’ve been telling him. He’s been itching to meet you for weeks, actually.”

Phil’s forehead creased. He tipped his head up to meet Dan’s gaze, still sprawled out half-on-top of Dan and in serious danger of knocking his laptop off the sofa, but really not wanting to move. “We haven’t even been  _ dating _ for weeks.”

“It’s been almost a month,” Dan disagreed mildly.

“Still. He can’t have known about me for that long.”

Dan’s lips twitched. He glanced up at the ceiling. “Ah. Well. About that.”

Phil’s head tilted. “Dan?”

“So maybe I told him about you.” Dan was still staring determinedly up at the ceiling. “Way back.”

Phil grinned.

“Nothing good, mind,” Dan grumbled with a poke to Phil’s cheek. “Just that you were this stupid prick who seemed to enjoy getting in the way.”

“So just that you love me, then,” Phil answered, still grinning.

“ _ Impossible _ , you are,” Dan huffed, and tugged at Phil’s hair.

Phil moved his head away to instead rest comfortably on Dan’s chest. He could hear the rumble of Dan’s voice through the fabric of his t shirt, and it was oddly comforting. “Still. Tyler wants to meet you, after hearing me whine about you for so long.”

“I think he maybe just did.” Phil answered with another miserable look at the laptop.

Dan chuckled. “Ok, so he’ll want to talk to you  _ properly _ . I don’t think he planned to see you snogging me with no introduction.”

“It wasn’t a  _ snog _ !” Phil sounded scandalised, much to Dan’s delight. “It was barely even a peck!”

“Whatever.” Dan was still chuckling, but one of his hands had found its way back into Phil’s hair, so he wasn’t complaining that much.

Instead, Phil settled back down with a sigh and grumbled, “Fine, well, if you want me to meet him, at least let me sit up.”

“If you insist.” Dan pulled Phil in for a quick kiss before releasing him, and Phil looked a lot more pacified as he sat up next to Dan, rather than on top of him, and gave his fringe a quick ruffle.

Dan rolled his eyes affectionately, and nudged Phil’s ribs with his elbow before he opened up the laptop again.

The screen showed a guy with glasses and immaculate hair, and Phil instantly felt inferior. The guy was staring out of the screen with narrowed eyes and a confused gaze, but as soon as the picture became clear again he was screeching out, “ _ Daniel Howell, did you hang up on me?!” _

“No!” Dan answered hurriedly. “I was—”

“ _ Because that sure as hell looked like you were hanging up on me, _ ” Tyler huffed, “ _ And just when things were getting interesting as well, you – oh – and hello, who is this _ ?”

Phil shifted in place, suddenly growing very self-conscious. The man on screen was staring straight at him with a glint in his eye.

“So this is Phil,” Dan said with a glance to Phil and a small smile. “You know, the guy I’ve been telling you about.”

“ _ The one you’ve abandoned me for _ ?”

“Uh,” Phil said when Dan looked at him again, and gave a little half-shrug. “Sorry? I didn’t exactly ask him to. He just kept showing up.”

“ _Why_ _doesn’t that surprise me_ ,” Tyler chuckled, while Dan made an annoyed sound and kicked Phil in the shin. Phil’s eyes watered.

“Anyway,” Dan continued with a pointed look at Phil, “We’re going to go get food. So bye.”

“ _ Oh lovely, _ ” Tyler huffed. “ _ You cut me off and came back just to tell me that _ ?”

“I only cut you off because Phil decided to kiss me,” Dan grumbled.

Phil sent him a betrayed stare, but Dan just smirked back, while Tyler cackled in the background.

“So bye,” Dan said again, and went to end the call, but not before Tyler could sigh again.

“ _ Well, alright, bye for now kiddo. I’ll have you home with me in two months so I suppose I can live with this separation.” _

“You’re so dramatic,” Dan rolled his eyes, “Bye, Tyler.”

Tyler made a sad face at him before hanging up the call.

Dan snapped the laptop shut and let out another loud sigh before turning to Phil eagerly. “So you said something about food?”

“I did,” Phil answered, but he was feeling a little…numb. Two months, Tyler had said. But why would he get Dan back in two months?

Oblivious as ever, Dan simply got up to his feet and headed straight for the kitchen, calling over his shoulder, “If you don’t get in here and cook for me, I’m going to try, and your kitchen might not survive that experience.”

“Brat,” Phil muttered loud enough for Dan to hear, and he got a snort in reply. Still, Phil hesitated.  _ Two months _ . That time got caught in his head, stuck inside his skull along with the way Tyler had seemed eager to have Dan back with him. Back in his home.

His home, which was decidedly not in Manchester.

Phil had never really put much thought into it – into where Dan lived. Dan had just always been  _ here _ , been around. Phil knew where to go to find him. It was only just now that he was realising that this wasn’t a permanent arrangement. Dan wasn’t always going to be right on Phil’s doorstep – and now he felt like an idiot for not realising that sooner.

“Seriously, Phil,” Dan called, “I’m going to burn down your flat!”

Phil shook the thoughts off and got back up to his feet. Two months. That was plenty of time. Plenty of time to sort through this, to talk to Dan about it. He didn’t need to panic straight away.

Two months.

With a final shake of his head, Phil headed into the kitchen to join Dan for the evening, and left any worries for another day.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, sorry for the delay in this chapter! I’m just gonna say this once: I have M.E., a medical condition that effects my energy levels and gives me chronic pain and nasty things. Sometimes it affects my ability to write, which is why updates can be slow. But good news: I know this fic is going to be 25 chapters long, and I have them all planned exactly. I’ll update as regularly as I can ^_^
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who comments. They just mean the world to me, even though I'm too sick to reply I read every single one and treasure them all <3
> 
> Again, giant thanks to my beta mecaka! This is only possible because of her hard work. Go send her love on tumblr (her url is mecaka) if you’ve got time because honestly, she is the best thing that could have happened to me with this fic

Two months, it turned out, was the length of time left on the film set.

“Well, actually, it’s closer to a month and a half,” Dan elaborated from his place sprawled across Phil’s lap, eyes narrowed as he tore around another corner in Mario Kart. “And did you have to bring this up  _ now _ ?”

“I’ve been trying to talk to you about it all day,” Phil grumbled gruffly. Which, in his defence, was true. Ever since the call with Tyler last week, Phil had been working up his courage to bring the subject up with Dan, and this morning he had finally done it only for Dan to distract him by dragging him out to the sofa to challenge him to a duel.

Which Dan was going to win, because this was  _ Mario Kart  _ and Dan was insanely competitive.

“So after the set,” Phil started again, barely even focusing on the screen and much more occupied with the warm person lying across his lap, “Are you, um, are you going away?”

Dan raised an eyebrow. “Away where?”

_ Away from me _ , Phil thought, half-heartedly firing a shell. It went backward, straight off the course, completely missing Dan’s little figure that was racing far ahead.

“ _ There _ ,” Dan said satisfactorily as he crossed the finishing line, then paused the game and rolled onto his back. He narrowed his eyes at Phil. “What’s up with you?”

“Nothing’s up with me,” Phil answered immediately. Perhaps not the best method for improving communication, or generally getting anywhere with Dan, but denial was still and would probably always be Phil’s first defence mechanism.

Thankfully, Dan had been around Phil for long enough now to recognise this, so he wasn’t dissuaded at all. Instead, he sat up, tossing his controller carelessly onto the cushion beside him, and fixed Phil with a stern look. “So something is definitely up.”

“It isn’t,” Phil insisted unhelpfully.

Dan had one brow arched at him in a perfect expression of disbelief. Practised many times for several film roles, probably, and now Phil was being subjected to it in all its realness.

“If nothing’s up,” Dan said calmly, “Then we can just carry on playing, and you interrupted a perfectly fun round for no good reason.”

“Yes,” Phil replied quickly, then stopped. “Well, no. Um. Maybe.”

“Congratulations on giving every possible answer.” Dan rolled his eyes, but there was a fond smile at his lips. He flopped himself back down over Phil’s lap, arranging himself to be perfectly comfortable so he could still see the screen, and grabbed the controller again, starting up a solo level. Phil’s eyes traced Dan’s character, and he felt his heartbeat calm down a little. Watching Dan do things always calmed him down – there was a level of professional confidence about everything Dan did, as if he’d thought every action through at least four times. It was… reassuring. Especially when every aspect of Phil’s life was currently being made up as he went along.

“So you asked if I’m going away,” Dan said evenly after a few moments of silent playing.

Phil swallowed.

“I’m guessing you don’t mean leaving the country, or, like, dying,” Dan continued, and was that a hint of laughter hiding away in his tone? “But you still brought it up, so something must be on your mind.”

“Yeah,” Phil answered softly without thinking. His fingers had somehow found their way into Dan’s hair. It was comforting to have the knowledge that Dan was still  _ right there _ . For now.

“So what is it?” Dan asked again after another moment of watching his character easily cruise the level. Dan really was insanely good at Mario Kart. How did he even have time to practice as an actor?

Phil gave his head a small shake. He shuffled around a bit, until Dan made a noise of complaint, and then went very still with his fingers still curled in Dan’s hair.

Phil just didn’t want to lose  _ this _ .

“I suppose,” he started slowly, “I mean what your roommate said in the call.”

“Tyler?” Dan sounded surprised. He had no idea at all, then.

Phil gathered his courage and said, “Yeah. When he said he was getting you back. That means… that means you’re leaving me, right?”

The words sat heavily. Phil winced as soon as he realised their full meaning. He hadn’t  _ meant _ it quite like  _ that _ , but… but therein lay his fears, really.

Dan squawked. He dropped the controller, not even bothering to pause the level this time, and rolled around to face Phil just as his character made a squealing noise as it fell off the course.

“ _ What _ ?” Dan asked, staring at Phil, a picture of surprised disbelief.

Phil shifted awkwardly. “Tyler said he’d be getting you back.”

“Yeah!” Dan narrowed his eyes. “And you think that means I’m  _ leaving you _ ?”

Phil bit his lip. He considered for a moment. “Um. Well. Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“Leaving… me.”

“No!” Dan sat up properly then, giving Phil the full extent of his glare. “Why? Do you  _ want _ me to?”

“No, not at al! I just—” Phil paused, realising he’d done an extremely bad job of explaining himself. He deflated in place a little. “I just – don’t understand.”

“Well, that makes two of us,” Dan answered after a moment of silence. He shook his head, sitting back a little on Phil’s sofa cushions so he could draw his knees into his chest. Defensive, Phil realised. He’d made Dan go all defensive again.

Desperately, Phil tried to salvage the conversation and make it go back in the direction he’d originally intended. “What I’m trying – very badly – to say is, you aren’t staying here forever. In Manchester, I mean. Are you?”

Dan blinked. Slowly, comprehension started to show on his face, and Phil thanked every lucky star he’d ever wished on for it. But there was also fear tugging at Phil’s stomach, because he’d brought this up now. They were going to have this conversation, to face the issue that had been itching at him all week.

“No,” Dan answered slowly, his tone cautious, his eyes fixed on Phil’s face. “No, I’m not staying in Manchester forever.”

Phil’s heart plummeted.

“But you knew that, right?” Dan added, leaning in a little bit closer. “I’m only here for the set. That’s over in a couple of months, then I’m going home. You knew that, right?”

Phil swallowed. Dan said  _ home _ so easily, and he was referring to a place where Phil wasn’t. That shouldn’t hurt, they’d hardly known each other four months, but somehow Phil’s idea of  _ home _ already had a Dan in it. “And then back to London. And Tyler. Right?”

Dan didn’t answer straight away. Instead, he tilted his head, regarding Phil closely with something warm hiding in his eyes. “I mean, yeah. London is home for me.”

Phil nodded once. He kept his face clear of expression.

After a moment, Dan asked, “Does that bother you?”

Phil shifted, considering the question for a moment. He reached out to grab Dan’s hand, smiled a bit when Dan gave a startled movement that settled into a small smile. He squeezed Phil’s fingers.

“It doesn’t really bother me,” Phil answered slowly. “I mean, it’s your home. Tyler seems nice.”

“He is,” Dan agreed, his gaze still intent on Phil. “My best friend.”

“That’s good. I’m glad you have a best friend.” Phil glanced at Dan, tried not to let jealousy slip into his tone. “How did you meet him?”

“Oh, I met him years ago,” Dan answered with an easy smile and went on to tell Phil that Tyler had met Dan on Dan’s very first set. Dan had been a nervous wreck, unsure of everything around him, and Tyler was his make-up artist. He’d taken one look at Dan’s pasty face and gone  _ Oh no, we can’t have that.  _ Dan at first thought he was being mocked – it turned out Tyler was just very exuberant and exacting in what he wanted.

After that, they’d become fast friends. Tyler was new to England, and so Dan took it upon himself to show him around the main sites. After a year, they’d decided to move in together, and when Dan hesitantly stuttered out that he was maybe attracted to boys as well as to girls, Tyler had embraced him in a warm hug and welcomed him to the party. (Tyler was as gay as a pink elephant, and as exuberant about it as he was about make-up).

“So he knows?” Phil interrupted, surprised.

Dan nodded. “He’s the only other one who does. You and him.”

“Not even your family?” Phil asked without thinking, and then winced. “No, wait, you don’t have to answer that.”

Dan’s eyes had tightened up a bit, but he hadn’t removed his hand from Phil’s. Dan glanced downwards, at where his fingers linked up so easily with Phil’s. “I just – I didn’t want to risk the exposure. You know. If the press ever got wind of it…”

“I get it,” Phil spoke into the silence quickly. “Honestly. That’s not what I meant.”

Dan sent him a tiny, grateful smile.

Phil fidgeted for another minute, then reached out to pull Dan into a hug. Dan muffled a chuckle as he leaned into Phil, speaking into his shoulder, “You can’t solve everything with a hug, Phil.”

“I can try,” Phil said adamantly, and then added, “I just… don’t want you to be gone.”

“I won’t be gone,” Dan murmured, his own arms slotting easily around Phil. “Not really.”

“But London is far away.”

Dan tilted his face up until he was looking right at Phil, and suddenly he was very, very close. “I’m not in London now.”

Phil was frozen, immobile, still taken aback by these moments of intimacy. But he was very sure that was happiness bubbling up inside him, so he leaned closer at Dan’s invitation and kissed him lightly.

Dan smiled, kissed him back, and for a moment everything was perfect. Things like this got easier every time they did them, and Phil was growing in confidence every time, more and more sure that yes, he liked this. As long as it didn’t go too far, and Dan was wonderful and soft and never pushed him.

When Phil pulled back, Dan didn’t complain at all. He didn’t even look insecure, which Phil always worried about because he had a feeling that Dan would kiss for longer if it was up to him. But Phil always started to feel weird after a few minutes, and he was endlessly grateful that Dan never brought it up, but just smiled happily every time Phil pulled away.

Dan was smiling happily at him now, and then he whispered, “You could always come with me.”

Phil blinked. His voice squeaked a bit. “Come with you?”

“To London.” Dan’s eyes were bright, but a bit guarded. He didn’t look away from Phil’s face. “When the set is done with. You could come back to London with me.”

Phil’s eyes widened. He’d never even  _ considered _ that as a possibility – that Dan might ask him to go  _ with  _ him, that maybe there was a solution that didn’t involve Dan staying in Manchester forever.

Dan couldn’t stay in Manchester. He had a job, and friends. Obviously.

But Phil still felt the tiniest tug of disappointment. Manchester was his  _ home _ . He’d deliberately moved back here after doing his undergrad in York, because York felt too far away.

It was closer than  _ London _ , though.

Dan was still looking at him, but that guarded something in his eyes had grown. He was shrinking back a bit, shrinking into himself, behind all those walls that Phil had started to break down.

Phil grabbed for him again. “I want to be with you.”

Dan brightened up again immediately. “So you’ll come?”

“I’ll…” Phil took a breath, bit his lip. “I’ll… I’ll think about it. London is… far away.”

Dan’s eyes had clouded over again. Phil hated that, wished he could banish it away in an instant and have Dan happy and smiling again, but… but he’d learned not to dive straight into scary things. He needed to think, to process.

And they still had time.

“There’s a month and a half left, right?” Phil added almost desperately. “There’s time to… to think. We can figure it out.”

Dan nodded slowly, his gaze clearing a bit. “Yeah. Yeah, we can figure it out.”

Phil smiled back at him, and really, really hoped it was true.

\---

A few days later, when Dan was away at the film set and Phil was sitting at home half-heartedly tapping away at his thesis, the idea crossed Phil’s mind again.

Moving to London.

It didn’t seem quite possible when Dan mentioned it. Like a dream, something to be imagined but never to be  _ lived _ , at least not for someone like Phil. Dan’s world was full of glittering lights and camera flashes and interviews – hell, that was why they never went on proper dates outside. Phil could still remember with a shudder the day a camera had followed Dan back to Phil’s bookshop.

That was Dan’s world, not Phil’s. And if he was honest, Phil wanted no part in it.

Except… except he did want to keep Dan. He  _ really _ did. To the extent that thinking about Dan going away to London without him had Phil’s chest constricting until his breathing was difficult.

This was crazy. He’d only known Dan a handful of months, and the majority of that had been spent trying to  _ avoid _ him. Phil had hated Dan when they’d first met, he was sure of it – he remembered that arrogant smirk, the way Dan had looked down on him.

Knowing Dan as he did now, Phil could see that had been because Dan had believed Phil snubbed him deliberately. But he  _ hadn’t _ . Phil was just a bumbling mess, he always had been, and he probably always would be.

Dan shouldn’t even want him around anyway.

Phil shook away the thought with a sad little frown. He was staring blankly at his thesis document, on its way to finished with a month left to the deadline, and then his course would almost be over. Just another month after that until his official graduation. His mum had already invited everyone over for the celebration –  _ Phil the Doctor, Phil the smart one, he’d always been the brains of the family _ , she’d proudly say.

But then what?

There’d be a big celebration, and then… then what? Phil had never been one to look at the future too hard, never been one to wallow in worrying. He’d just enjoyed what he did without thinking too much about where it would lead him. But now… now, he was facing a gaping hole with no more education to fill it.

And he didn’t want to face that alone.

So Dan. He had Dan, he wanted to keep Dan, and miraculously Dan wanted to keep him. That had to be worth all the worry, right? All the stress? There had to be something worth holding onto in the feelings he had for Dan, in the feelings Dan had shared with him.

He hadn’t had a text from Dan yet that day. Phil had messaged him in the morning but hadn’t heard anything back. That wasn’t too unusual. The film set was getting busier every day, with the closing deadlines looming. Then everything would be moving down to London.

London, where all the post-production work would be happening. Phil’s speciality. Phil’s favourite aspect.

If only…

Phil chewed on his inner cheek, having a staring contest with his laptop, until he relented and pulled up a new internet tab.

_ Post-production film jobs in London. _

Unsurprisingly, there were a lot of results. Phil trailed through the first few, registering some of the company names, recognising some. There were a lot of internship programmes that he’d be eligible to apply for.

He didn’t have to make any decisions yet. But it was an option.

Just then, his phone buzzed against his desk. Phil snatched it up to see a new tweet from Dan:  _ literally starving at the set @amazingphil where is my coffee _

Phil snorted. They were still being publicly open on Twitter, and while they’d never explicitly stated the exact nature of their relationship (Phil still got a fuzzy little feeling whenever he remembered that Dan was his  _ boyfriend _ ), it was a good thing. Having Dan happy with them being public, even in this tiny way – it gave Phil hope.

Hope that this was actually ok.

Definitely a possibility, Phil decided as he glanced at the results on his laptop, and then bookmarked it before answering Dan’s tweet with another public one of his own.

_ @amazingphil:  _ @danisnotonfire on my way right now

\---

The days continued in their easy pattern, but the time was constantly being eaten up. Without even meaning to, Phil found himself subconsciously counting down the days to their deadline, the deadline when Dan would be leaving.

He’d visit the set with coffee for Dan and think,  _ only five more weeks of doing this _ .

Dan would crash into the bookshop during Phil’s shift and regale him with stories of the day’s filming and Phil, in between fits of laughter, would find himself saying, “Not much longer left, now.”

Dan’s eyes always went cautious. He answered carefully, “No. Not long left.”

Phil tried not to think too much about the way Dan’s eyes lingered on him, as if he was waiting for a response, for something more from Phil. Something more that Phil wasn’t sure he could give.

They’d be curled up together on Phil’s sofa, or cuddled under the blankets on his bed watching Netflix on Phil’s laptop, and Phil would stay silent but the thoughts running around his head were full of  _ not much longer, you don’t get to have this for much longer _ . He tried to quiet the doubts, knew that Dan moving away was very different to Dan breaking up with him, but it was still  _ hard _ .

He tightened his grip around Dan and buried his face in Dan’s hair.

Dan made a questioning noise and wriggled a bit, so Phil batted at him until he stayed still. He didn’t want to  _ talk _ , didn’t want to face the questions that he knew Dan was going to want to bring up. In all honesty, Phil just didn’t want to face the future. He wanted this present to extend forever, with Dan in his arms and something easy on TV and blankets and cuddles and nothing else more complicated going on.

Why couldn’t he just have that? Phil didn’t think it was too much to ask for.

It was when there were only three weeks left that Phil came home from a shift at the bookshop to find Dan sitting on the sofa on Phil’s laptop.

Phil blinked, and then let out a heavy sigh. Coming home to Dan invading his flat wasn’t exactly unusual, not since Phil had given him a key, but  _ still _ . There were privacy limits. Weren’t there? Or shouldn’t there be?

Dan grinned at him impishly, and then pulled Phil’s laptop further into his lap. “Mine for now. Sorry.”

Phil rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. “I guess I shouldn’t even be surprised anymore.”

“Probably not,” Dan agreed, already buried back in whatever he was doing. As long as it wasn’t another skype call to Tyler that Phil could embarrass himself in front of, then Phil didn’t really mind. It was an excuse to forget about proof-reading his thesis for a bit, after all.

“Hot chocolate?” Phil offered on his way into the kitchen.

“Mm, please!” Dan called back, and Phil’s smile was widening before he even realised it. Having Dan around just made Phil feel… buoyant. Like there was something under his skin lifting him up, making his feet hardly touch the ground. It didn’t quite feel real, except when he could feel Dan in his arms, breathe in his scent, see the possessions he’d slowly left scattered around Phil’s place. Honestly, Phil didn’t even know the last time Dan had actually spent long periods of time in his hotel room.

“There’s something I need to tell you,” Dan said when Phil returned with two steaming mugs. He curled his legs out of the way, making room for Phil to join him, and grabbed eagerly for the mug.

“Don’t spill that on my laptop,” Phil warned him, but otherwise settled in happily. He cast Dan a slightly worried look. “Also, that doesn’t sound good.”

“It’s not  _ bad _ , exactly,” Dan hedged, casting another quick look at Phil. He grimaced. “I just – I saw a car.”

Phil arched a questioning brow.

“A black car,” Dan elaborated, “Um, outside.”

“Wow, amazing, anyone would think we were in a main city.” Phil grinned. Some of Dan’s sarcasm had rubbed off on him.

Dan kicked at him delicately. “No, you idiot. Outside  _ here _ . Outside your building.”

Phil blinked, taken aback. “…Oh?”

“Yeah. It looked like a journalist to me.” Dan was looking steadfastly at the laptop screen again, not meeting Phil’s eyes. “So, um. They might have seen me, and my guess is they could call you at some point."

Phil’s stomach dropped.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Dan added in what was clearly a carefully researched speech. “You can just refuse to comment if they badger you. And if they do it too much, threaten the police, it’s harassment.”

“The police?” Phil asked a bit faintly.

Dan shot him a look, then bit his lower lip. He shifted a bit closer to Phil. “I did try and warn you this might happen.”

Phil remained silent. That didn’t help very much. Sure, he remembered when Dan was first trying to get closer to him, that Dan warned him what his lifestyle meant – but Phil wasn’t anyone interesting. He hadn’t really given much thought to people bothering him, or what he was supposed to do or say. He was far too awkward for any of it.

And it wouldn’t even matter soon, with Dan going away.

Phil shook away all those thoughts, a crease appearing in his brow. Dan reached out to smooth it away with his thumb, a sweet gesture he’d started doing whenever Phil was stressed or worrying about something. “You don’t have to say anything, Phil.”

“I just,” Phil started, and then turned to look straight at Dan. “Do you want me to say anything?”

Dan blinked. He looked startled for a moment before casually schooling his expression back into a careful blank. That was the problem with Dan being such a good actor – when he didn’t want to show his emotion, he really didn’t show it.

“I didn’t think you’d want to,” Dan answered delicately.

“I don’t,” Phil agreed, “I mean, not if you don’t want to. I just. Does that mean you want it to be a secret?”

Dan looked a bit pained. “That isn’t a fair question.”

“What do you mean?”

Dan squirmed, but Phil pressed him, leaning in a bit closer. “What do you mean, Dan? Communicate, remember. Talk to me.”

Dan made a face at him. He took in a breath, slowly, and then let it out. He closed Phil’s laptop and slid it onto the floor, and then made grabby hands at Phil in a gesture that Phil had come to realise meant  _ come closer, need to hold you _ .

Phil obliged, and let Dan wrap him up in long arms, hold him against his chest. He laid his head comfortable on Dan’s shoulder.

“Saying something would mean that this is something that’s going to last,” Dan eventually murmured into Phil’s hair.

Phil’s mouth went dry. He froze.

“I don’t mean that would be a bad thing,” Dan hastily continued, “I mean, like, it would make it  _ official _ .”

Phil managed to unstick his mouth enough to say, “And  _ that _ would be a bad thing?”

“No, no, I don’t mean anything like that.” Dan let out a cross little sigh. “I mean – um – it would mean we’d both face a lot of questions about it, and if you’re… if you’re in Manchester, and I’m in London, um. We’d have to face them alone.”

Phil took in a careful breath. The weight behind Dan’s words told Phil that he’d thought about them a lot, probably been thinking about the coming month just as much as Phil had, in fact. Maybe if they’d talked about it sooner, Phil wouldn’t have had to do as much worrying on his own.

“I mean,” Phil started, and then stopped again.

Dan nudged at him. “What?”

“I mean, we might not be apart forever,” Phil answered quietly. He felt Dan quiver against him, and he bit his lip. He didn’t know if now was the time to bring this up, or if there would ever even be a better time, but Dan sounded worried and Phil didn’t like Dan being worried.

He leaned back enough to look at Dan, right in the eyes, and the worry he saw there made Phil want to dispel it immediately. “I mean, London is a thing.”

Dan smiled briefly. He didn’t look away. “London is indeed a thing.”

“I’ve been looking,” Phil confessed quickly, “There are internships. Places that do the kind of thing I’d want to do.”

“Really?” Dan was obviously trying really hard to keep the hope out of his voice, but he wasn’t quite succeeding. That warmed Phil. He was wanted, obviously, desired by Dan Howell, and that still didn’t quite make sense in his head.

“Not yet,” Phil warned him. “My PhD doesn’t finish until two months after you’ve gone back to London.  I have to be here for that.”

Dan wilted a bit. But he nodded. “I’d expected something like that.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. You’ve been working for ages on your degree, I’m happy for you.” Dan smiled at him, the expression a little shy, a little vulnerable. Phil felt his heart give just a little bit more. He loved this man – he really loved him, and that was still hard to come to terms with.

Phil smiled back. “But after that – after that, well, I don’t know. It’s a possibility.”

Dan was staring at him almost disbelievingly. Phil didn’t like it much when he did that, but his options to make Dan happy were still fairly limited. Phil just wasn’t very good at it, much as he’d like to be.

Phil leaned in, pressed a kiss to Dan’s cheek. “It’s a possibility.”

Dan’s cheek had gone red. That was nice. He also still had his arms around Phil, which was also nice, and he was smiling a bit as he answered, “To be clear – are you saying you coming to London with me is a possibility?”

Phil thought about it for a moment. Then he nodded a bit hesitantly. “After my degree. Maybe.”

Dan’s eyes were a little wide and a little wild. “Seriously?”

“Seriously. Well,” Phil amended, “I’m thinking about it. It’s not something to rule out.”

Dan kept staring at him for a bit, and then he was grinning and holding Phil tighter. “Good enough for me.”

\---

There was hope, but there was also sadness, because time was running out on them too fast and Phil still hadn’t made a decision.

Three weeks disappeared like sand rushing through Phil’s fingers. It didn’t matter how much he tried to grab onto it, the time just went faster and faster, rushing on and inexorably on until he was left standing alone and forlorn in his own apartment with boxes of Dan’s stuff gathered up all around him.

All the things that had collected in Phil’s flat over the past few months, every little memory of Dan being here, was wrapped up carefully and packaged and taped and shut away, all ready to be moved out. Including Dan himself.

Phil felt sick to his stomach.

Dan stood opposite him, an awkward distance away, playing with the ends of his sleeves. He wasn’t looking at Phil, seeming to find it easier to study his carpet instead. The air between them felt charged. The last bag was sitting packed by Dan’s feet.

“It just makes more sense to leave tonight,” Dan was explaining, still steadfastly studying the carpet. “The cars are leaving the hotel really early tomorrow. I don’t want to disturb you in the morning.”

_ You wouldn’t _ , Phil was desperate to say. But he didn’t. He stayed quiet, except for the ringing in his ears and the slightly wild thud of his heartbeat.

The boxes were moved, one by one, into the car waiting outside Phil’s flat. They did it together, woodenly, not talking but not staying far apart either. Phil treasured every brush of Dan’s elbow, every minute left in his company. They were rather rapidly disappearing, after all.

The last box was in the car. Dan was hovering awkwardly on the pavement, one hand on the car door, his eyes fixed on Phil.

Phil should turn around and go back inside. They were in public, and even if they weren’t, Phil was bad at goodbyes. This was why he’d always returned home. He couldn’t deal with last times, with never-seeing-people-agains. He left everything open-ended, and always came back to the place that meant the most to him. He didn’t do well at leaving.

Was he ever going to see Dan again?

Dan was staring at him with carefully masked emotions. Phil hated that too. He wished he could push back past those boundaries, get back to where he and Dan had been. They’d been so close, they’d been so open and honest with each other. Eventually. Dan was the one person Phil had never wanted, and then everything he’d wanted but never thought he’d have, and then, miraculously, been the person to openly accept him. Everything about him.

Phil couldn’t lose that. He didn’t want to let go.

Dan swallowed. His hand awkwardly fumbled on the car door, and for a moment Phil thought he was going to step away from the car and back into Phil’s arms, and this whole hellish ordeal could be over.

But he didn’t.

Instead, the car door flew open, and Dan turned as if to climb inside.

Phil’s heart stopped.

Dan paused, turned back to face Phil. His mouth opened, but no sound came out. Instead, he just stared at Phil’s face some more.

Phil hung in stasis. His body tipped forward, telling him to take the step and  _ go _ , to stop the best thing in his life from walking away from him.

But the crease in Dan’s brow was back, and he turned away again with a muttered, “See ya, Phil,” and then he was climbing into the car.

“Wait,” Phil’s mouth said without his permission.

Dan paused, span back around again in an instant. His face was still carefully blank.

Phil stayed still for a moment, counting the racing beats of his heart, tracing the planes of Dan’s face that he’d come to know so well. Dan Howell,  _ the  _ Dan Howell, famous actor, blind fool at times, but most importantly,  _ Phil’s  _ Dan.

There was no way Phil could let him go like this.

“Stay,” he begged.

Dan’s mouth dropped open.

“Just tonight,” Phil pleaded, because, apparently, he wasn’t above  _ actual  _ begging. He took a step forward, grabbed one of Dan’s hands in his own.

Dan’s blank expression was melting.

“I know it can’t be forever,” Phil continued, his tone shattering a bit. “Just stay. You can wake me at whatever hellish time you have to tomorrow, just – just stay one more night. Please.”

Dan hovered, his gaze quickly flicking left and right. They were in the middle of a public street,  _ Phil’s  _ street, and there was a suspicious looking car sitting up the road that had been there all morning and was still directly facing them, but Phil just couldn’t let Dan go like this.

He prayed he was doing the right thing.

“Please,” he said again and tugged once at Dan’s hand.

Dan’s face finished melting, and he was standing there looking at Phil with the warmest, most vulnerable gaze Phil had ever seen. His fingers were trembling a bit, but he closed them firmly around Phil’s and took a step towards him, until Phil was forced to look up to meet his eyes.

“Ok,” Dan whispered, and then span to say to the driver, “Go back to the hotel. I’ll meet you there in the morning.”

The driver, as discrete as ever, simply nodded and disappeared.

Phil felt a little bit faint. His fingers tightened in Dan’s, the world swaying around him. Dan was still here. For now. He was here.

Fingers tightened around Phil’s arm, gently pushing him towards the door. “Inside, now,” Dan whispered into his ear, “Quickly, I need to – Phil, I need to—”

Phil understood. He knew exactly what Dan was talking about. He fumbled for his keys, got them both back inside his building, and hurried quickly to his flat door.

They didn’t make it two steps before Dan was pushing Phil against the wall, still metres from his actual flat, and this was still dangerous because anyone could walk past, anyone could see them—

“Phil,” Dan whispered, and the sound was broken and almost  _ desperate _ and Phil couldn’t think about anything else, not right then. He stared right back at the man in front of him, the man clutching at his shirt sleeve hard enough to pinch his arm, the man who looked so young suddenly with no hint of sardonic amusement on his face.

Phil reached up for him, leaned in, and kissed him.

Dan sagged into him, like he was melting all over again, fitting perfectly in Phil’s arms until Phil was the only one holding him up. Phil wasn’t the only one this was taking a toll on. Not with the way Dan reached for him, held onto him, kissed him like a drowning man.

“Not yet,” Phil whispered against his lips, dragging him down the hall into the safety of his flat.

\---

They did the most kissing they’d ever done in one go that night. Up until then, kisses had been small, gentle things, sweet nudges of affection against each other’s lips, nothing more. They hadn’t  _ needed  _ anything more.

But this time – this time, Phil felt like a desperate man, like someone who was about to lose everything under his fingertips. He clung onto Dan, remembered the feeling against him, tried to lose himself in someone else’s arms.

They stayed fully clothed, which held off Phil’s repulsion. And the kissing was still  _ just _ kissing, aside from when Dan occasionally leaned down and pressed his lips to Phil’s throat, which sent a shiver down Phil’s spine which was just this side of good. Any more, and he’d have been pushing Dan away, but Dan had grown to learn his reactions and knew not to push him any further.

Dan needed this, too. He never left Phil’s side, never left any unnecessary space between them, until the warmth was almost unbearable. But Phil would never have had it any other way. They stayed wrapped up in Phil’s bedsheets in a tangled heap of limbs and faces and breathing and kisses, and neither of them got much sleep that night.

“I’m going to miss you,” Dan mumbled at some point with his face buried in Phil’s hair.

“Shush,” Phil muttered back, swatting at him, and then rolled them over so he could lie himself down on Dan’s warm, sturdy chest. He didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to think about it. He just wanted to hold Dan here, in his bed, and remember what it felt like to have another person in his flat.

He fell asleep soon after, but Dan remained awake, eyes hiding a shadow as he stroked his fingers through Phil’s hair.

In the morning, Phil woke up to an empty bed and a note scrawled hastily on the back of an envelope and left on the bedside table.  _ Car arrived. Didn’t want to wake you.  _ There were a few scribbled out lines, and then, finally,  _ Don’t break anything before I see you again. All my love – Dan. _

Phil stared at it for a very long time, until his vision had blurred and his breathing sounded funny.

_ All my love – Dan. _

He’d thought that word would terrify him. Phil still hadn’t said it, wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to without it feeling like some sort of lie. But he  _ felt  _ it. The emotion blossoming in his chest, constricting his heart until he thought it would burst – there was no denying what that was.

Phil blinked, hard, grabbed the note, screwed it against his chest, and flopped back into his pillows. Dan was apparently just as bad at goodbyes as Phil was, but Phil couldn’t help wishing Dan had at least woken him up. Just to have one last hug.

But would Phil really have been able to let go?

Honestly, Phil wouldn’t put it past himself to just upend everything on a whim and head down to London with Dan, his PhD be damned. But that wasn’t the sensible, adult thing to do. Phil needed some thinking time, time to actually consider his own future and how best to keep Dan in it. Maybe he did need space to do that.

But no amount of rationalising would stop the hollow ache in his heart when he rolled over to find the other half of the bed empty.

Phil bit his lower lip, glanced down at the note still squished between his fingers, and then tucked it securely under his pillow. He’d leave it there, he decided, until Dan was back with him again.

They wouldn’t leave it too long. Phil didn’t think he could cope.

But for now, he had work in a few hours and a thesis to finish, so after a few minutes more of moping, Phil forced himself out of the bed for day number one without Dan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A note before you go: (incredibly) this fic is up for several phanfic awards (thank you so so much to anyone who nominated me, I couldn’t believe it!!) so if you’re interested in the awards and want info on how to vote check out this post here: http://phanficawards.tumblr.com/post/155358390725/phanfic-awards-2016-voting


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops sorry this took a while again, but I’m still beavering away and I promise you will get all 25 chapters of this fic eventually ^_^
> 
> @mecaka on tumblr and here, could not have done this without your help, thank you for being my star and betaing this constantly for me even when I leave it literally a month before writing the tiny last scene xD you are my saviour <3
> 
> And thank you so so much for all the comments!! I am so sorry I can't reply to them but I read and treasure every single one (also somehow this fic won phanfic awards?? Thank you to anyone who voted <3)

Phil’s flat felt far too empty with only one person in it.

He was sure there hadn’t been quite this much space before. The floor felt too clean, there was too much space on his sofa, his TV was on too quietly. The kitchen didn’t hold as much food, the pans were tidied away far too quickly. His bed was far too wide.

Phil moped around the place on his own, finding it harder and harder to concentrate. Writing his PhD thesis was nowhere near as fun without someone constantly distracting him by climbing over his legs. Anime was less captivating without sharp running commentary. One time, Phil had made the mistake of flicking to the film channel and  _ Reckless  _ had been playing. Seeing Dan Howell’s face on the big screen made Phil flinch and look away, quickly changing channels.

Plus, Dan on screen just looked kind of… wrong. Phil still loved the film, but the Dan on there was fake. Where once Phil would never have noticed the actual ‘acting’, now he could see the illusion Dan finely painted, in the details of his careful expressions, the mask he wore of another character.

It wasn’t Phil’s Dan up there. It was everyone’s Dan.

Phil flung the remote down, grumbling to himself about dumb actors ruining his favourite films for him. He’d resorted to running out to the café next door earlier, desperate to get some actual writing done in a place that didn’t have treasured memories leaking from every corner. He’d been there an hour and got through editing the first part of his draft before his phone buzzed.

Phil tried not to show his disappointment when it was PJ asking to meet up later.

So Phil had packed up his bags and returned to his flat, thesis still in desperate need of attention but Phil in desperate need of distraction.

PJ had opted for a pub in town to meet in. They were going to eat out and have a drink or two and then return home happier for it, Phil knew that objectively, but it was still hard to drag himself into respectable-ish clothes and head out of the door. He’d become used to staying indoors all night, wrapped up in someone else’s arms. It felt strange, actually going  _ out  _ again.

The black car was still sitting at the end of his street. Phil cast it a worried glance and upped the pace of his stride, hurrying through towards the centre of town as quickly as he could without actually running. No one had approached him yet, but Dan had warned him over skype that hype would be increasing soon.

_ “The film premiere is in a month, so watch out up until then, _ ” he’d told Phil through a mouthful of cereal, the image on Phil’s computer far too grainy for his liking. “ _ All the publicity will go insane.” _

“I’ll be prepared,” Phil had promised him,then got lost watching the way he smiled.

PJ was sitting in a booth over in a quiet corner. Phil was forever grateful that his old university friend was so similar to him, still enjoying a quiet night rather than a noisy meeting place. Neither of them had ever been much into clubs, and they certainly hadn’t been fans of the more rowdy crowds. This was probably exactly what he needed – a meal with a friend. Even if all Phil really felt like doing was sliding back into bed and moping some more.

PJ waved him over with his usual cheery smile. His greeting was as warm as ever, though he cast Phil something of a knowing look when Phil’s reply was a bit morose. They’d been settled in for a while, and Phil had only offered a few grunts to the conversation when PJ abruptly changed the subject with a small sigh. “You’re moping, Phil.”

“Huh?” Phil sat up then, dropping his fork in his lasagne.

PJ chuckled, but his eyes were warm as he looked at Phil. “See? Moping.”

“I’m not,” Phil denied reflexively.

PJ wasn’t buying it, simply snorting in response. But he also didn’t push it. Phil was eternally grateful for his friendship, for knowing when Phil needed to talk and also when Phil needed to sort his thoughts out on his own. Phil should get better at thanking him.

“So what are you up to now?” Phil finally forced himself to say, dragging himself out of his own morose thoughts.

“Well, I’m back with the company, but my boss isn’t too happy with me,” PJ admitted.

Phil squinted at him. “Why not?”

PJ shrugged. “I don’t think he much appreciated me taking so much time off to work on the set. I  _ had _ to, though – an  _ actual  _ film set. And I got paid for my hours, so it was worth it.”

“That’s great,” Phil said with an effort, and he meant it. Really, he did. It was just… impossible for him to think of the film set without thinking of Dan, and Phil had been trying to get  _ out _ of his mope.

He wondered if Dan would have liked this pub. Probably wouldn’t have approved of the music choice.

“It was, and all thanks to your Dan,” PJ answered with a chuckle, but his expression was careful.

Phil grimaced a bit, wriggling. “He’s not  _ my  _ Dan.” Despite the shiver of warmth that flowed through him at the sound of that.

PJ eyed him closely. “Isn’t he?”

Phil bit his lip.

“You miss him, don’t you?” PJ questioned him quietly.

Phil froze. The answer was obvious, he felt it flowing through his veins, with every pulse of his heart, like an ache deep in his bones. But he didn’t know how much it was safe to admit, especially when Dan wasn’t  _ here _ to make Phil feel better about it.

But PJ was a good friend, and Phil knew he could trust him. So he glanced up to meet PJ’s eyes and gave a tiny nod.

PJ’s smile was sympathetic. “He misses you too, trust me.”

Phil shifted about a bit, muttering, “How do  _ you _ know?”

“Because I had to work on the set with him practically every day,” PJ answered wryly, “And I put up with his constant questions about you. Like,  _ which would Phil prefer black or red jacket,  _ or,  _ if I show up at his flat for the fourth time this week is he going to think I’m creepy _ , never mind his constant freaking out over what to tag you in on Twitter that day.”

Phil, despite himself, was biting back a smile. “He really did that?”

“Mate, you have  _ no idea _ ,” PJ answered with feeling. “The only person who got it worse than me was Louise, we used to have a schedule for Dan-freaking-out times for which one of us would deal with it first.”

Phil was full on grinning by then. Dan had always seemed so suave and cool and put together, but Phil had caught glimpses of the mess he suspected lay hiding underneath. For some reason, it made Phil feel a little better that Dan had been just as insecure as Phil. Or maybe not as  _ much _ , but at least a little.

They carried on with their dinner then, and Phil relaxed into it a little more. Talking about Dan seemed to loosen the tight feeling in his chest a bit, and he felt himself starting to have a good time in a way he hadn’t thought he’d really be able to. PJ understood him, though, and they had a lot of shared stories from the film set. Swapping stories about the weirdest habits they’d seen from the actors to geeking out over the cool techniques they used to simulate magic.

Things were going well until PJ got a phone call. He glanced down at the screen and whispered an apology to Phil, saying, “Sorry, I’ve to take this, I’ll just—” he pointed to the door.

Phil nodded, shifting his knees out of the way so PJ could get out, and then he was alone. He poked morosely at the remnants of his lasagne, and of course, it didn’t take long for his thoughts to curve back around to Dan.

Dan, who’d probably be sitting in some swanky restaurant in London right now. Without Phil.

Well, no, more realistically Dan would be curled up in his flat in his pyjamas with messy hair eating stir-fry out of a bowl, but  _ still _ . He was still without Phil.

That tightening in Phil’s chest made a reappearance.

Phil shook his head, stabbing his fork into his lasagne and releasing a soft sigh. If he’d thought himself ridiculously obsessed with Dan before, then being without him was only calling it more and more into perspective. Dan had been gone less than a week, and so far they’d skyped four times and texted each other almost hourly, and Phil still felt that crushing weight of loneliness more often than not.

Phil had thought he knew what it felt like to miss someone. He’d missed his mum when he was at uni, he’d missed his grandma’s dog when she passed away, he’d missed his brother when he moved out. But all of those paled into the background compared to the bone-deep  _ ache _ he felt at the lack of Dan.

It didn’t help that literally everything reminded him of Dan. Every song that came on the radio Dan had offered an opinion on, every time Phil went to work he was reminded of all the spaces Dan had curled up asleep. Not to mention that every nook and cranny of Phil’s flat held some memory of Dan that was all too precious. Phil was making a conscious effort not to forget anything, instead sealing Dan away in his memory forever.

PJ returned then, pulling Phil out of his thoughts. Phil turned to greet him, a crease appearing in his brow when he saw the way PJ seemed to be bouncing on his feet a bit.

“Hey,” PJ greeted, and was his voice trembling?

“Are you ok?” Phil asked.

“What? Oh, yeah.” PJ slid back into place opposite him, his fingers tapping out a rhythm against the table.

Phil narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

“I am!” PJ insisted, then broke out into a face-splitting grin. “Well, ok, something’s happened. But it’s  _ good _ .”

“What is it?” Phil arched a questioning brow, taking a sip of his drink.

PJ bit his lower lip, practically bouncing in his seat. He waited politely for Phil to put his drink back down, and then announced, “I’ve just been offered a job working full-time for Xander.”

Phil’s eyes burst wide open. He stared at PJ in shock, mouth falling open. “Wait – Xander, as in, the one from the film set?”

“Yep.” PJ nodded, and he was laughing before he could finish his sentence. “Just called me up – he’d mentioned, maybe, there’d be space at his company down in London, but I never  _ thought _ – this  _ quickly _ —”

“That’s incredible!” Phil paused, shaking his head, and then pulled his friend into an awkward around-the-table hug. “PJ! That’s  _ incredible _ !”

“I know, right,” PJ agreed, voice thick with emotion. He was trembling a bit when Phil pulled back. “I’d never dared to hope I’d actually get it.”

“You completely deserve it, though,” Phil hastened to add. “You’ve worked so hard, and you’re so talented – I always knew you’d do it.”

PJ grinned at him.

The rest of his words registered for Phil then, and Phil frowned a bit, shooting PJ a close look. “Where did you say this job was, again?”

“In London,” PJ confirmed, and Phil’s heart sank. “I won’t be starting for a couple of months, have to work out my notice here and sort out some finances – and find somewhere to  _ live _ , of course.”

Phil nodded, PJ’s excited chattering starting to fade into the background. His heart was sinking down to his knees. London. Why did so much of his life seem to revolve around London? It felt miles away – well, it  _ was _ miles away – and he’d barely even got used to the idea of Dan being there.

Well, ok, he wasn’t used to that idea at  _ all _ , but he’d been working on it. On making it work long-distance. But now PJ was going to leave him, too?

Phil was having a really hard time keeping the distress off his face.

He was going to hide it, though, because PJ deserved happiness. Phil was proud of him, knew that this was a literal dream come true, and the last thing he wanted to do was ruin his friend’s moment with his own moping. He’d get over himself eventually. This was great news for PJ.

Phil just about managed to keep it together for the rest of the evening, until they’d finished up their meals and had a drink and split the bill between them. They said their goodbyes, and PJ went off to his own place while Phil started the long walk back to his flat.

He could get on the bus, of course, if he wanted. The roads were all open again now the set had gone. The city had returned to its normal state, no more disruption.

Phil still walked the entire way home.

On his way passed the street where the filming had happened, he paused, staring a little morosely at the place where the ROAD CLOSED sign had stood for so long. Right there was where he’d first met Dan, in a situation that still made him go a little pink. There was where he’d first got to go onto a film set, got to meet some fantastic people, and, of course, where he’d shared more moments than he could count with Dan.

Phil couldn’t bring himself to walk straight passed.

Instead, he stopped, staring at the spot contemplatively for a while, and then pulled out his phone. He snapped a photo and then headed straight back home when drizzle started to drip from the cloudy sky again.

Phil waited until he was back home curled up with coffee under a blanket (his flat still felt eerily empty) when he got his phone out again. Dan still hadn’t answered from earlier, probably fell asleep or something, but Phil didn’t linger too long before he pulled up Twitter.

There, he posted the photo of the empty street along with the caption,  _ Just not the same without @danisnotonfire and the rest of the film crew. Manchester misses you <3 _

As ever, the replies instantly came flooding in. Phil’s follower count had continued to steadily increase since he and Dan started featuring in each other’s timelines, but they hadn’t posted anything in awhile. The odd selfie went up, but as they were still mostly trying to keep their relationship private, they were careful not to make it too apparent how much time Dan had been spending in Phil’s place.

Now, though, there was no such need for caution. Most of their fans seemed to think whatever they had would be over now that Dan had gone down to London, although there were a dedicated few so-called ‘shippers’ who seemed almost desperate that they stay together.

Phil couldn’t help but agree with them.

He scrolled through a few replies to his photo, smiling a bit at a few of them.

_ @phanforlife:  _ @amazingphil is that what you said to @danisnotonfire when he left

_ @dansfans101:  _ @amazingphil dw he misses you too we’ve all been seeing the mopey tweets

At that one, Phil chuckled. He too had seen the rather telling tweets from Dan over the past week, things like  _ isn’t this spring much colder than its supposed to be  _ and  _ having lonely dinner for one again am I the worlds worst celebrity _

Phil wasn’t too proud to admit that he’d almost been proud of that last one.

After scrolling through a few more replies, Phil set his phone away and stretched out on his couch, glancing up at the ceiling with a soft, yearning sigh. This entire room felt too cold, too empty.

And then his phone buzzed in his pocket with a new Twitter notification.

_ @danisnotonfire:  _ I miss Manchester too <3

Phil bit back a smile, despite the burning feeling spreading to the back of his throat. His eyes were a little damp. It was ridiculous, too, this whole entire thing, because not so long ago he’d been freaking out about being on Twitter at all. The number of notifications on his phone had been far too overwhelming, but now, Phil yearned for them.

They were proof that it had been real. Dan had been real.

His phone buzzed again, this time with a new text.

**Dan:** skype?

Phil didn’t hesitate at all in leaning over to grab his laptop screen. Dan might not be here in person, but he wasn’t really so far away. For now, a grainy webcam picture would have to do.

\---

The next time Phil ran into a problem, he was heading back from town with handfuls of shopping bags and desperately trying to get back into his flat.

He was just on his way back from a meeting with his supervisor, which had gone surprisingly well. She approved of the first draft of his thesis, and only had a few pointers of things to fix and where to go next. All in all, she was very nice, and the end of Phil’s degree was in sight.

That kind of terrified him, so he tried not to think about it too much.

He’d popped to the shop on the way back only because he was literally out of food, and ended up walking into several of the shelves because he was buried in his phone. (Dan was texting him for the first time that day, ok, and had sent him a very serious picture of a dog. Phil had his priorities right). As such, it had taken him a little longer to get around the shop, and he was ninety percent sure he hadn’t picked up half the ingredients he was supposed to, but he had got to see Dan’s excited key smashes from the dog talk, so it was worth it.

He was heading down his street, fumbling for his keys in his pocket, when he was accosted by a strange-looking man with a pen tucked behind his ear and a very eager smile on his face.

“Hello!” He announced, sounding like someone reading the news. A hand was shoved in Phil’s face. “Dan Foster, just here to ask a few questions if you’ve got time?”

Phil blinked. He shuffled around the bags in his hand to reluctantly shake the man’s hand, giving him a squinty look. He didn’t  _ look _ like anyone Phil recognised. “Erm. Hi?”

“Hi!” The man’s grin widened if that was possible. “So like I said, a few questions. Have you always lived in Manchester?”

“Uh,” Phil said intelligently. “Er, I guess?”

“Wonderful.” There was suddenly a notebook in the man’s hand. “And you’re how old?”

“Uh – 26?” Phil took a step back. “Who are you, again?”

“David Foster, and if I can ask, where do you work?”

_ David Foster.  _ The name meant nothing to Phil. The man was now jotting something down in his notebook. “Where do you work, sir?”

“Um—” Phil was getting a bad feeling about this. He tried weakly to point at his front door over the man’s shoulder. “I just – I live there, I just –”

“Is this your permanent address?” The man’s smile was starting to look a bit creepy.

Phil tried to move around him. The man blocked his way.

“Yes,” Phil answered weakly, lifting up his bags. “I just – I really need to get home—”

“Anyone there waiting for you?” The man asked smoothly, pen poised above his notebook.

Phil shook his head. His phone buzzed in his pocket – Dan would be waiting for him on Skype. “Actually, I – I have to make a call—”

“Some other time, then.” The man backed off, finally, and gave a final little smile at Phil.

Phil smiled awkwardly back and started walking forward as soon as there was enough space in front of him. He couldn’t get back inside fast enough. There was a strange clicking sound from behind him that made Phil jump, and he turned instinctively just fast enough to see the door of a black car slamming shut.

The same black car that had been there before Dan left.

Phil’s stomach suddenly dropped. He hurried back inside with more urgency than before, struggling to get all the bags inside his flat and dumped on the kitchen counter before he went straight to his laptop and to Dan.

“You’re late,” was the first thing Dan said to him.

Phil made a face. He was still adjusting the pillows on his bed, precariously balancing his laptop on his knees in the process. “I had to buy food. Nothing else would have priority over you, don’t worry.”

“But I thought you’d be back  _ ages _ ago.” There was a slight whine hiding in Dan’s tone, and it made Phil hide a smile. “Also, put your laptop down, you’re going to drop it.”

“I’m not,” Phil argued, quickly saving it from falling off his knees.

“You will, you’re too bony for your legs to be a safe resting place,” Dan disagreed. Phil made a face back at him. He’d had plenty of complaints from Dan about how his bony legs weren’t comfortable, but, well, there wasn’t exactly anything Phil could do to fix that.

Dan looked a bit tired today. He was pale, and his hair was a curly mess, and he was still in his pyjamas lying on his bed. Phil had got the tour of his bedroom in their first skype call the night Dan got back to London, and Phil had made appreciative noises at the size of it. It remained the only room he’d seen in Dan’s flat, though, as Dan explained he felt too awkward giving a tour when Tyler was around.

Phil hadn’t seen much of Tyler, either, except when Dan complained about him leaving the bathroom door open or messing up the fridge order. (“You have a  _ fridge order _ ?” Phil had spluttered, and Dan had sniffed and haughtily changed the subject).

“Did you have a good day?” Phil asked when he’d finally got his pillows sorted.

Dan blew out a frustrated little sigh. “Kind of. Waiting for my agent to send me the details of an audition, but I don’t know  _ when _ it will be, so I can’t really plan anything.”

“Audition?” Phil perked up in interest. “What for?”

Dan smiled, his eyes lighting up a bit. “It’s for a stage show. Don’t know if I’ll get it, though.”

“Really?” Phil settled himself down comfortably. “Tell me more.”

That led to Dan launching into a detailed description of the play’s nature, and the part he was going for (one of the leads, though not the main lead, Dan stressed – he wasn’t as experienced on stage as he was on screen). Phil listened excitedly, but he was struck once again by how very different his and Dan’s lives really were.

Not that it was putting Phil off. If anything, he just wanted to climb right inside Dan’s world and live there for a while.

“What about you?” Dan asked when he’d talked himself out. “Good day?”

“Yeah. Mostly.” Phil scratched at the back of his head. “Ran into a weird guy on the street.”

Dan tilted his head, smiling. “Isn’t that kind of usual for you?”

“Yes, but this was weirder than normal.”

“You have to tell me now.”

Phil grimaced. “He just asked me a bunch of questions, and then got into the black car. You know, the one on the street?”

Dan grew very still. His voice came out a bit strangled. “The same one from before?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s still there?”

Phil blinked. “Uh. I don’t know about right now, but it was. It has been, I mean.”

Dan’s expression had tightened. Phil didn’t like that much. “And this guy was talking to you?”

“Yeah. I didn’t say anything, though,” Phil hastened to add. “Nothing really important.”

“That’s good.” Dan was chewing on his already-abused lower lip. Phil wanted to buy him lip balm. And maybe kiss it better. “Don’t tell them anything, ok? No matter how much you like random small talk.”

Phil bit back a smile. “I wouldn’t. You know I wouldn’t.”

Dan let out a tiny breath, and his shoulders finally relaxed. That was better. He looked more like Phil’s Dan now, not the Dan always around on screen. “Anything else weird happen today that I should know about?”

Phil shook his head.

“What about the meeting with your supervisor?” Dan looked up, then, and grinned. “Wait, I just heard Tyler leave, gonna bring you into the kitchen.”

Phil grinned back. He liked getting a little peep into Dan’s life again, seeing the place he called home. The flat was big, a bit empty, but full of lots of little things that Phil could guess Dan had put there. A galaxy cushion on a sofa that Phil just caught a glimpse of, an entirely black candle sitting at a perfect aesthetic angle on a windowsill.

The kitchen counter was messy, and the sink was full of dirty dishes. That also made Phil feel a bit better, more like Dan was a real human. It was easy to forget that sometimes, to think he’d imagined those happy few months with Dan in his life, in his flat, in his arms. Dan deposited him on the counter, and it meant that all Phil could see were Dan’s elbows and hips and the hem of his giant pyjama camouflage top (seriously, how did clothes look baggy on Dan? He was taller than Phil and Phil struggled to get clothes that fitted him easily). Watching him prepare a meal, even something as simple as microwave popcorn, felt relaxing and comfortingly domestic.

This was definitely Phil’s Dan.

As he watched, Phil explained about the meeting with his supervisor, how it had gone so weirdly well. Dan ducked down enough to specifically beam at him with a giant thumbs-up, which sent something fluttering in Phil’s stomach. He was smiling back before he realised it.

“So you must be almost done, then?” Dan asked as he carefully placed the popcorn in a bowl. “Like, soon I won’t be fighting with textbooks to get your attention?”

“You have my attention anyway,” Phil promised, grinning at Dan’s snort. “But yeah. I just have to make a few improvements and adjust my conclusion slightly, and it’ll be done.”

“That’s a strange thought,” Dan mused. “Phil who isn’t a student. I can’t really imagine it.”

“Honestly, nor can I,” Phil admitted.

Dan shot him a look at that. There was a question in his eyes, one that scared Phil a bit, but one that also excited him. He wondered if Dan would ask.

Dan did, in a kind of roundabout way. “So no plan then? I mean, you don’t need one. Exactly. Not yet, anyway, there’s plenty of time and you haven’t even graduated yet and—”

“Dan,” Phil interrupted his rambling and leaned a bit closer to his webcam.

Dan sent him a soft smile, the expression gentle and calm and everything Phil could ever want to see. He wanted to reach through the screen and poke Dan’s dimple.

“I’ve been thinking about a plan more,” Phil confessed, watching as Dan set about balancing his laptop and the bowl of popcorn so he could head back to his bedroom.

“Yeah?” The screen tilted alarmingly as Dan launched himself onto his bed.

“Yeah, just, like.” Phil swallowed. “Nothing certain, but. You know. London.”  _ London has you in it. _

Dan’s eyes brightened. He dragged his laptop closer to his face until it was resting on his chest and his eyes loomed large in Phil’s screen. They were an impressively deep brown colour. “Really?” His tone was full of hope.

Phil chewed on his lower lip, lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “I mean. There are companies there, good ones. And that woman on your film set gave me her card. I can probably dig it out from somewhere.”

Dan’s eyes brightened still further, but then his expression fell a bit. “Sarah? Was it Sarah?”

“Um.” Phil squinted, trying to remember. “Maybe?”

“If it was, there might be a problem.” Dan wilted a bit. “She left on maternity leave.”

Phil felt his insides crumble a bit. He’d sort of been vaguely holding onto the hope that he knew someone from Dan’s film set. Without that, he didn’t really feel like he was a good applicant at all.

“Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t apply, though,” Dan pressed.

“Yeah,” Phil agreed, and let out a low sigh. “If I ever graduate. If they’d ever even consider my application.”

“They would,” Dan answered decisively.

Phil arched a brow.

“Well, they  _ should _ ,” Dan argued. “You’re awesome.”

Phil couldn’t hold back a small smile at that. If  _ Dan Howell  _ was saying he was awesome, then maybe Phil shouldn’t fight him too much. Even if it was a bit difficult to believe. He’d just – never had to apply for something before, not quite like  _ this _ . Applying for university courses had always just been a case of getting good references and writing a vaguely appropriate personal statement. He’d walked into the job at the bookstore simply because he used it all the time to work, and one day had caught Lilith struggling so much that he jumped in to help.

This would be the first time he was applying for something  _ real _ .

Dan was considering him closely through the webcam, and not for the first time, Phil wished their connection was better so he could stare at Dan’s freckles rather than pixels. Of course, the ideal would be to have Dan in his  _ arms _ , but Phil would take what he could get.

“I think you should apply,” Dan said finally, much more decisively than Phil had been expecting.

Phil blinked at him. “Really?”

“Yeah. Like, if you want to, obviously.” Dan was talking too fast, the way he always did when he was a bit nervous. But his gaze remained unfalteringly on Phil’s face. “I know it’s a huge decision, and I know it’s asking a lot, but – but if I never say it then I’ll feel bad. I want you with me, Phil.”

Phil’s stomach swooped. Something warm grew in his chest, spreading out until he was tingling right to the tips of his fingers, and he stared at the laptop screen like he could reach right through it and hold Dan’s hand. He kind of wanted a hand to hold through this.

“I want that too,” he managed to gasp, grinning at the answering expression on Dan’s face. Dan looked  _ surprised _ , almost, as if he hadn’t been expecting Phil to agree.

As if Phil could do anything else.

“It’s hard, without you,” Phil confessed, and Dan’s eyes softened in understanding.

“I know,” he answered, and rolled closer to his laptop screen until his face was as close as it could get. “I meant what I said. About missing you.”

“Even with all the glitz of London life?” Phil teased. His chest felt tight.

“ _ Especially  _ with all the glitz of London life.” Dan let out a loud sigh. “Do you have any  _ idea _ how busy the next few weeks are going to be for me? There are  _ so many interviews  _ before the premiere, ugh.”

“Acting life,” Phil answered wisely, as if he had any idea what he was talking about.

Dan made a face. “Acting life can fuck off. That side of it, I mean. I wish I could just do the actual  _ acting  _ without any of this other nonsense.”

“You like the attention really,” Phil pointed out sagely, snickering when Dan looked chagrined. “I mean, I’ve  _ seen  _ you gloating whenever your Twitter followers go up.”

“That’s entirely different,” Dan sniffed, and Phil laughed at him. Sometimes, Dan still acted like the haughty, arrogant actor Phil had first met (and slightly hated), but now it was more likely to spark a sense of protectiveness in Phil. Like he wanted to wrap Dan up and put him in jumpers.

If only that was possible, from so far away.

There was a bang in the background, and Dan’s face fell. He craned his neck away from his laptop screen, then sighed. “Sorry. That’s Tyler. He’s bought dinner.”

“Go eat,” Phil agreed, proud when his voice only shook a little bit. His chest still felt tight every time they had to end a call, every time he had to say goodbye to Dan. It didn’t get any easier, no matter how many times they’d said it now.

Dan smiled softly at him. “I’ll text you tonight.”

“Needy,” Phil scoffed, but he meant,  _ yes, please. _

When they hung up, and Phil was left looking at a blank screen again, loneliness crashed over him like a wave. He felt  _ homesick _ , which was ridiculous, because home had always been here, but now – now, home seemed to be wherever Dan was.

_ London _ , Phil thought. It didn’t seem quite so impossible anymore.

\---

Dan closed his laptop but proceeded to stare at its perfectly pristine white surface for the better part of several minutes. He could hear Tyler crashing about in the kitchen, banging pans and plates and cutlery in what Dan knew to be a vociferous exclamation that yes, he was home, and Dan should stop wittering on to his boyfriend person and get back out here to the kitchen.

Dan smiled, but he didn’t look away from his laptop yet. Which was ridiculous because Phil wasn’t actually  _ in _ there, and yet to Dan, it contained the whole world in that moment. His only visual tie to Phil.

He was a ridiculous sap.

After a particularly loud crash from the kitchen, Dan winced and hopped up to his feet, exiting his room. “Are you  _ actually _ destroying things, Tyler? Because if you are, you’re paying the deposit.”

“Oh,  _ there _ you are,” Tyler said delightedly. He had the biggest grin on his face when Dan appeared at the kitchen door – well, Tyler always had the biggest grin on his face. His eyes were sparkling in a way Dan knew to be entirely too dangerous. “How’s the boyfriend?”

“Still in Manchester,” Dan answered morosely. He collapsed onto one of the chairs and watched Tyler bustling about with what looked to be some interesting noodly meal.

“We need to stop you moping,” Tyler answered seriously. He was now doing something dangerous-looking involving flames on the hob and a pan setting on fire. Dan drew his chair back a bit.

“I don’t actually mope,” Dan disagreed, watching Tyler through suspiciously narrowed eyes. “Like, if I was  _ actually  _ moping I’d be walking around in a blanket, or drinking copious amounts of hot chocolate, or—”

“That jumper is as good as a blanket,” Tyler informed him with a smirk.

“—Shut up, no it isn’t – but my point is, like, I wouldn’t be functioning like a normal person – shut  _ up _ , I  _ am _ functioning—”

“You haven’t been out of the house in five days,” Tyler sing-songed, setting a finished plate of a rather exquisite looking meal down in front of Dan and joining him at the table.”

“But that’s  _ normal _ ,” Dan defended himself.

Tyler gave him a pitying look.

“No, really, it  _ is _ .” Dan attempted to use chopsticks to grab a mouthful, glared a bit when Tyler could use them perfectly.

“I’m not doubting you, Daniel,” Tyler reassured him, “It’s just the sad truth.”

Dan didn’t even have it in him to retort properly. He just let out a heavy sigh and stabbed something with one chopstick. After all, Tyler was right – Dan knew it, really. He was sitting in his pyjamas mooching food that his friend had cooked instead of being out at some gathering or whatever. It wasn’t like he was short of invitations – with the premiere of  _ Last Man Standing  _ coming up, everyone wanted to get a glimpse of him.

It was just – Dan had done the whole celebrity lifestyle thing before, and hated it. Parties and clubs and excessive drinking just really weren’t his thing. He much preferred staying in and watching stupid videos on the internet.

That had just never felt so  _ lonely _ before. Manchester had spoiled Dan – he’d got completely accustomed to just sending a whiny text and having Phil be  _ right there _ , coming every time Dan called with a roll of his eyes and a fond smile. Dan  _ missed _ that. Like, really, seriously missed that.

“See?” Tyler’s amused voice cut across his thoughts. “Moping.”

Dan didn’t even bother to deny it this time. He just sank his face into his hands and groaned.

Tyler made a sympathetic noise. “Just get him to come visit. I won’t mind actually properly meeting the man who stole you away.”

“Can’t,” Dan grumbled.

Tyler tilted his head, giving Dan a significant look. “Are you worried about the press? We’ve had this conversation, coming out isn’t anywhere near as terrifying as it looks from your side of the fence.”

“That’s not even the issue,” Dan grumbled, and then paused, lowering his hands. Well. It was  _ some _ of the issue. The thought of everyone knowing he was with another  _ man  _ – that was more than a bit terrifying. Dan’s family didn’t even know. The only person was Tyler, and that was because Dan had needed someone to confide in, someone to help him sort out the mess his head had been in at the time. Tyler always knew exactly what to say. After all, he’d been through it himself.

Only… not quite like this. Dan was bi, after all, and his relationships with women had been pretty well documented so far (Dan had to bite back a smile at the memory of Phil confronting him because he’d seen something about an ex-girlfriend of Dan’s in the paper. As if she was  _ any _ competition). But sometimes, Dan wished he was just… one or the other. Gay or straight. Being caught in the middle was hard to explain, even to himself. How was he supposed to manage telling other people?

“It won’t be as hard as you’re thinking,” Tyler advised, reading correctly into Dan’s expression.

Dan groaned.

“Eat your dinner,” Tyler ordered.

Dan obediently shoveled in a mouthful, and then spoke around it, much to Tyler’s disgust. “But like I said, that’s not even the issue. Not the whole of it.”

Tyler sent him a disbelieving look.

“Like, there’s so much more going on here,” Dan tried to explain himself. “Phil has a whole life in Manchester. I’d be taking him away from all of that, and for what? He doesn’t want a life in the media. He freaks out every time someone new follows him on Twitter, like, what am I supposed to  _ do _ with that?”

“Well, he clearly likes you enough,” Tyler added.

“Fuck knows why,” Dan muttered, stabbing his chopstick against his plate repeatedly.

“Stop it, Daniel, you’re moping again,” Tyler told him. “Nothing bad will come of Phil at least  _ visiting  _ you.”

Dan paused for thought. He wanted to believe Tyler, really he did, but – but it was easy to find the distance between him and Phil overwhelming when Phil wasn’t actually  _ here _ , reminding him physically that Dan’s fears were unfounded.

Because really, why would someone like Phil even look twice at Dan. He was living in a completely different world.

_ Except he said that London was a possibility _ , Dan’s brain reminded him, and Dan almost choked on a smile.  _ A possibility _ . Phil was looking into it, had found the editing company – and Dan knew Phil loved that, that his real joy was in editing. What if Dan could help that come about?

“I suppose,” he said aloud, startling Tyler mid-mouthful, “I suppose nothing could hurt if he visited.”

“ _ Exactly _ .” Tyler sounded proud of himself, if a little choked. “And when he’s down here and sees all the glitz and glamour of your life—”

Dan snorted.

“—He’ll realise exactly what he’s missing out on in the dreary horrible northern part of your country and move down here for good.” Tyler let out a satisfied sigh at the thought. “And I can finally stop dealing with your constant moping. I’d even let him move in. Temporarily. If you aren’t excessively loud in bed.”

Dan snorted louder. “Trust me,  _ not _ going to be a problem.”

Tyler sent him a curious look. Dan shrank back into his seat, avoiding meeting his eyes. He didn’t want to talk about this – not only did it make him exceedingly uncomfortable, but also, this part was  _ Phil’s _ secret to tell. Dan had no idea how comfortable Phil was with telling others. So, hastily, he added, “Well, I mean, London is a thing, though. For Phil. Like, he’s thinking about it.”

Tyler brightened instantly. “Well, there you go!”

“But he’s only  _ thinking _ about it,” Dan stressed before he settled back into moping. “Like. He loves editing, he knows the name of a company. But he isn’t  _ doing _ anything about it, not yet.”

“So do something for him,” Tyler shrugged.

Dan stared at him.

Tyler caught the look and raised both brows. “What? Think about it – a word from Dan Howell and he could get into any of the companies here, you  _ know _ that.”

Dan blinked. He… actually hadn’t thought of that before. Generally, he wasn’t about using his influence to get ahead anywhere, but – but if it meant Phil could come here…

No. No, Phil would hate him. That was a bad idea.

“I should just let him apply,” Dan disagreed, slumping down further in his seat.

“If you already know who he’s going to apply to, there’s no problem with having a quiet word,” Tyler pointed out. He grinned. “That would get you out of the house, too. Two birds, one stone.”

Dan glared at him. But the thought was in his head, and it wouldn’t shut up – after all, Tyler was right, he could have a word with any one of the people who’d worked on his set, mention Phil casually. It had worked for PJ – Xander was the one who got him the job, or so Dan had heard. There was nothing wrong with Dan doing the same for Phil, was there?

Was there?

\---

“There’s nothing wrong with it, is there?” Dan said, halting on the steps of the giant office building that housed the company currently editing his film.

Tyler patted his shoulder. “Nothing at all. Go get ‘em.”

But Dan still felt something sour in his stomach as he pushed the doors open. But that was dumb. He was  _ helping _ Phil, not upsetting him or making him mad. And he already knew Phil had an interest in applying here. There was nothing wrong with helping him get his foot in the door.

And then, there would be something concrete that would get Phil to be in London. There couldn’t be anything wrong with that.

No, Dan thought to himself as he waved to one of the managers and went over to have a word. No, there was nothing wrong with this at all.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand I’m finally back. I’m just going to go ahead and say updates will forever be slow for this fic :P BUT it’s only 25 chapters, so we’re getting there! Just five to go now (well, four and a sort of epilogue thing). Thanks to everyone sticking with this story/commenting/sending me messages about it, that means an awful lot <3
> 
> Also massive thanks once again to Meg for betaing this despite drowning in her own schoolwork!! You are the best <33 Feel free to come follow either of us on tumblr, I'm @ineverhadmyinternetphase and she's @mecaka and we don't bite ^_^

Dan looked good.

Phil had to admit it, begrudgingly. He was curled up on his bed with his laptop open under the covers, buried deep in his own blanket fort, watching the interview Dan had given that morning to promote the premiere of  _ Last Man Standing _ . As he’d promised, the media attention was definitely growing leading up to the premiere, which was apparently going to be a big sparkly event attended by all the most prominent members of the film industry. There was even Oscar talk.

Ordinarily, Phil would have been grumbling about a big film company profiting from one of his favourite books, but, well. That would be slightly hypocritical, seeing as he’d watched most of it being filmed, and it looked  _ good _ .

Plus, they had Dan, so. It was bound to be a success.

Dan in the interview looked smooth and comfortable, exactly in his element. Gone were all of the awkward mannerisms that Phil  _ knew  _ he had, aside from the way his fists were clenched over the skinny jeans he was wearing (black, of course). Dan also had his public voice on, sounding smooth and suave and nothing like the stuttering and rambling rants he went on in Phil’s presence.

Phil was slightly proud of that.  _ That  _ Dan was solely his.

Not three minutes into the interview, Phil’s phone buzzed with a series of texts.

Dan:  _ are you watching it _

Dan:  _ you’re watching it aren’t you _

Dan:  _ tell the truth do I look like an idiot _

Dan:  _ hated the seat they put me in it felt like a thousand bees stinging my butt _

Dan:  _ as you would say _

Dan:  _ Phil this is killing me are you watching _

Phil rolled his eyes, but it was hard to deny the affectionate little flip his stomach did. The Dan currently blowing up his phone notifications also didn’t sound much like the Dan in the interview, who was cool and joking and just the right side of confident. Phil struggled to believe he’d ever thought of Dan as arrogant. Now he saw it for what it was – nerves making him talk a lot, and a deep-set fear that he really wasn’t good enough for the life he’d found himself in.

Phil planned to take every opportunity to reassure Dan that he was perfect exactly as he was. Starting with a text back.

Phil:  _ Yes I’m watching it cool your beans _

Dan _ : Well am I doing alright have I fucked up yet _

Phil: _ As if. You’re the epitome of professional. Plus you look cute _

There was a beat before the next reply, which had Phil gnawing nervously on his lower lip. Ridiculously.

Dan: _ You have to say that (but thanks  <3) _

Dan: _ Call me after? _

Phil grinned at that, texting back immediately  _ of course _ . Calls would do, they were the best thing they had right now, and Phil had to admit it was a little ridiculous, the amount of time he spent on the phone to Dan. Whenever he wasn’t working at the bookshop or working on his thesis then he was on the phone. He hadn’t called his mum all week, but he’d called Dan at least twice every day.

Did he have a problem? Was this level of co-dependency normal in a healthy relationship? Phil honestly had no clue, what with having no scale or measurement or any previous experience to relate it to, but it didn’t  _ feel _ bad. Quite the opposite. What felt bad was not talking to Dan, when the gaping hole he’d carved for himself in Phil’s life and then unceremoniously abandoned started to itch and ache and fray at the edges.

Phil turned back to the interview, but it wasn’t long before he found his attention drifting. He got caught up in the crinkles that were just a shadow at the corners of Dan’s eyes, the hint of his dimple appearing on his cheek, the way his hair was ever so slightly wavy from the heat of the lights. These were all things Phil knew well, had studied in their private moments, but – it was different, seeing them up on a screen like this.

Sometimes, because Phil hated himself, he’d search Dan on google images. The pictures that showed up were always heavily choreographed, shot in some fancy studio or other, or screenshots from his films. Phil’s favourites were still the screenshots from  _ Reckless,  _ the film he’d loved for longer than he’d known Dan, and that was weird to think about, to look back on a time where he’d loved one of Dan’s characters but not known Dan himself. It made something funny twist inside Phil, something almost like nostalgia. He longed for Dan in every way he knew.

Which was why, as soon as the interview was over, Phil was pulling up a skype tab and calling Dan.

Predictably, Dan answered straight away, still in his rumpled pyjamas with his hair a mess. “It was awful, wasn’t it, don’t sugar coat it,” he said before the screen had even loaded properly.

“It was the worst thing I’ve ever seen, how dare you ever appear on television,” Phil deadpanned.

“Shut  _ up _ .” Dan glared at him, flopping over on his bed and dragging the laptop in closer. “Ugh, I’m the worst.”

“You are,” Phil agreed mildly.

“The lines were all wrong, they didn’t ask the questions in the order they told me, and I swear the interviewer wouldn’t stop looking at my left cheek – like just my left, why was she so obsessed? – and—”

“Your dimple is there,” Phil stated, as if it was obvious.

Dan shot him a slightly startled look.

“What?” Phil answered defensively. “It’s a nice dimple.”

“Glad to hear you approve.” Dan was smiling again, which was good, though he still looked a little bit distressed. “It was terrible.”

“You were perfect, as ever,” Phil assured him gently. “It’s as if you’ve been doing this for years.”

“You know I have,” Dan grumbled, but he looked mildly placated. He gave Phil a soft smile, one that just hinted at the creases at the corners of his eyes. “Missed you.”

“Me too.” Phil dragged his laptop further under the blanket fort with him, missing having something to wrap his arms around. He felt kind of hollow. “This whole being apart thing isn’t going too well.”

“For me neither,” Dan agreed. He looked a little shy through the grainy, pixelated screen, and the picture wasn’t clear but Phil thought he was maybe a little pink. “It’s almost the weekend, though.”

“Does that mean you get a breather from all the interviews?” Phil asked.

Dan nodded. His eyes darted up to meet Phil’s, and then away again, and he was squirming against the bedsheets. “I could. Um. I have some free time, so like… I could come up and visit.”

Phil’s eyes widened. “Don’t you have to be in London?”

“Well, I’m  _ supposed  _ to be.” Dan made a face, hastening to add, “But, like, I could get out of it for a weekend. There’s this thing where I’m supposed to be picking out a suit, and a few invites but I ignore them all anyway, and—”

Phil tuned out for a moment. Dan could be back here, actual and tangible and  _ real _ , a person with a presence and a warmth and a scent, and Phil could have that. Phil could have him back. For however short it might be, Phil could have him  _ back _ .

“But you aren’t supposed to leave London,” Phil interrupted Dan’s rambling.

Dan looked a little bit nervous. “Uh, yeah, but like I said, I could get out of it—”

“What if I came down to you?” The words were out before Phil could catch them.

Dan blinked, lips twitching as he stared straight through the camera. “Like, you’d visit here?”

“I mean, I could.” Phil hesitated, tracing every flicker of emotion across Dan’s face, worried he’d missed something or accidentally put his foot in it, or something. “I mean, my thesis is due by the end of the week so I’d have to leave Friday evening at the earliest, but—”

“But you’d come down to London?” Dan was staring at him with something like awe through the screen. It was a look Phil was having to become accustomed to, but sometimes it was a little hard to be looked at like he was the most amazing thing in the universe. Dan just thought so  _ much _ of him, when Phil really didn’t think he was that special at all.

It was Phil’s turn to smile a little shyly at the camera. “Yeah. I’d come down to London.”

Dan’s entire face lit up.

“I mean, if I was welcome,” Phil hastily added, “And assuming everything goes well with my thesis, and you wouldn’t mind, and Tyler wouldn’t mind, then yes. I could stay the weekend.”

“Of fucking course you’d be welcome,” Dan answered, his voice light. “Tyler’s actually been bugging me about meeting you properly for weeks.”

“He’s met me on skype,” Phil said defensively. There was a little knot of worry balling up in his stomach. He’d never really met anyone from Dan’s world – not properly, aside from Louise perhaps. But Tyler was an old friend of Dan’s, someone important to him, and he actually scared Phil a little bit. Tyler was just very… exuberant.

“Yeah, but he says it isn’t the same.” Dan rolled a bit on his bed, curls flopping into his eyes as he peeked up at Phil. “I have to say, after this I’m inclined to agree with him. Not having you here isn’t fun.”

“I know,” Phil agreed. He cuddled up a bit smaller in his blanket fort. “But this weekend?”

“This weekend.” Dan’s face lit up again, all bright smiles and twinkling eyes and the crease of his dimple appearing again. “Five days. You’ll come down Friday evening?”

“Booking a train right now,” Phil agreed, and clicked straight over to the site to do so.

\--

Why was finishing a thesis so hard? Phil had made a big mistake. Why had he stayed in education so long? Why hadn’t he gone out and got a proper job like PJ and the rest of their uni acquaintances? Literally no one else had stayed on to do a PhD apart from Matt, and he’d randomly decided to become an accountant four months in because it was too much hard work. Phil had made an error of judgement.

Well, at least, he thought so when he was busily reading through his entire thesis for the seventh time, furiously editing as he went. It had to be  _ perfect _ . He was sending it off to be bound today, and it had to be quadruple checked for any errors and all his reasoning had to be perfectly outlined. His viva would happen afterwards, after all, and then he’d be sat down in a tiny room with two experts who were going to question him intensely on every single aspect of his thesis. And if he didn’t pass that, then he wouldn’t be graduating.

So his thesis was important.

Dan had already phoned him that morning, but Phil had actually hung up because he was too stressed to listen to Dan tell him about calming breathing techniques and ways to find inner peace when he was drowning in rows and rows of paper.

Phil’s phone buzzed just as he was figuring out the final bits of formatting, and he glanced down without really caring to see, to his surprise, a twitter notification from Dan.

_ @danisnotonfire _ : guys pls send @amazingphil some love his final day working on his thesis is here

Something in Phil’s chest tugged.

He hadn’t been expecting something like that. Today of all days, when he was stressed and cranky and he knew he’d been short with Dan on the phone earlier, but rather than getting upset and mad, Dan had instead done  _ this _ . It was clingy and sweet, and Phil had a feeling that Dan just wanted to get attention from him somehow. But Phil was rather flattered by that thought. Especially when it resulted in this kind of sweetness.

Suddenly, Phil missed Dan even more than usual. He was glad he’d booked those train tickets earlier – just one more day and he’d be back in Dan’s space.

Slowly, he abandoned his laptop and instead scooped up his phone, glancing down to see a stream of replies already flooding in. Dan and he had calmed down a bit on twitter recently, tending towards texting and skyping each other instead of publicly announcing things (plus they weren’t in the same city anymore, which meant spontaneous photos had had to stop). But the same old people were back, replying once more to Dan’s tweet and tagging Phil in every response.

_ @dansfans123:  _ @amazingphil good luck omg that is so exciting

@ _ phantrash4ever:  _ look at @danisnotonfire being a supportive bf gl @amazingphil

_ @dangirl98:  _ @danisnotonfire @amazingphil thanks for brightening up my twitter again missed you guys

There was a dusting of something warm fluttering in Phil’s chest from all these messages. People on the internet who he didn’t even know were wishing him well – people who’d been following him for a while, sure, but no one he knew personally. He’d always thought they were just following him for his sneaky creepshot photos of Dan, anyway – he’d never expected to get this kind of support from them.

It was a surprise, but a welcome one.

With a little smile, Phil reached for his phone and sent a quick text to Dan before he went back to battling with his thesis.

Phil:  _ thank you <3 _

Dan: _no problem now go back to work_

Phil did so, but it was with a smile on his face.

\---

His thesis was over.

Phil was sweating when he finally sent the email with the finalised copy to the people who would bind it for him. He felt like he’d just run a marathon. Well, more like ten marathons back to back whilst being chased by a rabid baboon, but the fact still remained that he’d  _ made it _ . His thesis was done. The biggest part of his PhD was finished, actually finished, and he thought he’d maybe even be proud of it after a few hours’ sleep and a shedload of coffee.

As it was, he sat grinning at his sent emails for probably too long before he finally set about the rest of his day.

Clearing away the giant piles of books was rather like saying goodbye to old friends. At least he could finally give Lilith back a lot of the books she’d lent him over the past four years, and maybe even actually get back to doing a few shifts at the store rather than spending his entire life buried in his documents. He’d missed the shop. Everything always felt peaceful there (never mind that it also contained some rather fond memories of Dan).

Speaking of Dan, Phil was going to have to start packing. He was heading off to London that evening, after all, a thought which had a tight little knot of nerves and excitement balling up inside his stomach. He was so  _ excited  _ to see Dan again, there was no denying that, but there was also the tiniest hint of fear tied in with everything else.

Well, maybe not tiniest – more like a growling monster threatening to grow bigger with every moment that Phil spent thinking about this weekend. Being with Dan again would be wonderful, yes, but there was everything  _ else _ that came with it. Being in a big city, one Phil had only visited a few times before, away from his family and friends and everyone who knew him and made him feel safe. Aside from Dan, of course, who for some reason was the only person who Phil would move across the country for, because he made him feel safe.

Temporarily. There was no guarantee this was going to last, but… Phil would be lying if he wasn’t thinking about the future a lot while he set about throwing things into his suitcase.

Dan was a haphazard packer, but Phil was anything but. It was a difference he’d noted when Dan was first preparing to move back to London, once the film set up here had finished. For weeks afterwards, Phil’s flat had played home to a constant stream of Dan’s possessions that had taken up every corner of his flat, watching with despair as Dan threw them casually into his many cases. Dan had simply laughed at him, calling him overly worried, until Phil ended up walking away with a despairing shake of his head, letting Dan create whatever mess he desired within Phil’s life.

When Phil packed, it was ordered. He had everything folded up into neat little piles, and then proceeded to worry that he didn’t have everything he needed, or that he’d overpacked for just a weekend. But it was a weekend with  _ Dan _ . It had to be perfect.

Phil was just putting in his favourite Stephen King book for the fifth time when his phone rang. The caller ID said  _ Dan _ with one of the derpiest pictures Phil had taken during their Twitter creepshot war, so Phil was already smiling as soon as he hit ‘answer’.

_ “Did you hand it in?”  _ Dan asked immediately, as soon as the ringing tone stopped.

Phil let out a loud sigh. “Do you have so little faith in me?”

“ _ I don’t know, with the panic you were in earlier I had no idea,”  _ Dan defended himself.

Phil couldn’t even be mad. He was already smiling just from hearing Dan’s voice, and he caught himself pressing his phone tighter to his ear, as if that would somehow make Dan be closer. “Yes, I handed it in.”

_ “I knew you could do it.”  _ Dan sounded smug.  _ “And you were sooo stressed about it.” _

“I’m the one who’s entire life is dependent on this going well,” Phil grumbled. “I think I can be allowed to stress.”

“ _ Of course, you’re absolutely right, stress is of course allowed.” _

“Are you being sarcastic?”

_ “Would I do that?”  _ Dan chuckled. “ _ Have you packed?” _

“Staring at my suitcase right now,” Phil promised, settling on sliding the Stephen King book back into its bookshelf. He wouldn’t need it in London when there was a Dan to keep him occupied.

Dan made an odd sort of squealing noise down the line.

Phil grinned. “Same.”

_ “I’m going to be waiting on the platform when your train gets in,”  _ Dan promised, and there was so much eagerness in his tone that it made Phil’s chest tug.

Every the practical one, though, Phil answered gruffly, “Isn’t that impossible? You won’t have a ticket, the barriers—”

_ “Do you think barriers can stop Daniel Howell, _ ” Dan scoffed. “ _ Speaking of which, we should talk about what might happen.” _

Phil arched a brow. “That sounds serious.”

_ “It is, kind of.” _

Phil stepped away from the suitcase in favour of settling down on his sofa cushions, feeling the sofa groan as it took his weight. Everything in this flat was old – he’d been here almost four years, it was tired and full of nothing but his student life. Hardly a home, really.

Home was the other person on the phone.

“ _ I’m just aware that there may be… people on the platform who might… recognise us.” _ Dan sounded sheepish, a little nervous even, but his words were a bit of a relief to Phil. Phil had been imagining all sorts of bad scenarios from the moment Dan said it was serious – like, hey Phil, actually I don’t want you to come to London at all, see you never again!

But that didn’t seem to be the case. Dan would probably laugh at him if Phil admitted to even thinking that in the first place.

“Oh.” Phil sighed, but tried to keep the levels of relief in his voice fairly normal. “Well. Ok then.”

“ _ That’s all you’ve got to say? _ ” Dan was torn between sounding amused and annoyed.

“Well, what do you want me to say?” Phil scratched at his hair. “I mean, I’m kind of used to the idea that being around  _ actual Dan Howell _ means people are going to stare.”

“ _ But are you ok with that?”  _ Dan sounded concerned, more than Phil had been expecting. “ _ I mean – we haven’t properly talked about it.” _

“We can talk about it tonight, if you like.”

“ _ That’s a bit late.” _ Nerves were evident in Dan’s tone. “ _ I mean, like, we’ll have already been seen out in public, probably. But I really want to meet you at the station.” _

Phil deliberated over that for a while, considering what Dan was really getting at. A part of Phil wanted to tease Dan for thinking he was important enough to be spotted even on a quick trip out to a train station, but the other part of Phil knew that Dan was probably right – hardly a day passed when Dan wasn’t getting photographed with some fan on Twitter.

Phil wasn’t jealous. Not really.

He also wanted Dan to meet him at the station.

“We can talk about it tonight,” Phil decided. “And you can meet me at the station. Nothing too bad can happen between the station and your place, right?”

“ _...Right _ ,” Dan agreed after a moment, if a little hesitantly. “ _ You’re sure?” _

“Positive,” Phil said, a lot more decisively than he felt.

\---

The closer the train got to London, the more Phil’s nerves increased, until he felt rather like there was some kind of giant fluff monster trying to fight its way out of his stomach. Leaning his head against the cool window helped to settle his nausea some, but Phil was still feeling distinctly less than well as the train started to slow on its approach into the station.

Dan would be waiting there. On the platform, if he had indeed managed to wangle his way past the security barriers without a ticket (Phil wouldn’t put it past him, that face of his was annoyingly charming). Either way, very shortly Phil would be back in Dan’s space, and he was – honestly, he was  _ terrified _ .

It had never felt this difficult in Manchester. There, Phil was at home, he’d never been the one to move into Dan’s world. No, Dan had always been the one visiting Phil, invading his spaces with his breezy charm and hasty personality, eyes dark and usually glittering with some annoying plot or other. Phil had got used to it, having Dan around, and not having him around left this awful ache that just kind of congealed inside Phil’s chest.

But this – travelling to Dan’s space, preparing to see him again – this was also just  _ terrifying _ . Phil knew, logically, that he was being irrational – this was still just Dan, after all, his Dan – but that didn’t stop him from rolling around in nerves. Dan was  _ Daniel Howell _ , so far out of his league it was basically a joke. Surely in these few weeks apart, Dan would have realised that he could have so much more than Phil could give.

_ He told you you’re enough _ , Phil reminded himself. He just wished that was easier to believe.

The train pulled to a halt. Phil got shakily to his feet (his knees were actually  _ trembling _ , what was this), scooped up his rucksack, and joined the throng of people battling their way off the train and onto the platform. He felt awkwardly tall, as ever, and wished for Dan to be there to at least match his ridiculous height.

It took what felt like ages to get off the train, with all the commuters going to London, and the platform was crowded when Phil finally stepped down onto the concrete. The noise of the crowds sounded like a faded buzz to Phil, though, who was already scanning the crowd for another awkwardly tall, fringe-bearing human who would probably be lurking in a dark corner somewhere.

Sure enough, one glance around the station revealed a black-clad figure sequestered away under the stairs, near the lift. Phil was breaking into a smile before he realised. Dan looked just the same as ever –  _ his _ Dan, not the Dan that appeared in TV interviews. No, this Dan had his head down and his fringe falling into his eyes, his shoulders bent in posture almost as bad as Phil’s own, hiding away from the crowds other than quick darting looks he sent towards the train.

One on such quick darting look, he caught sight of Phil. Phil’s smile widened instantly, and he lifted one hand in an awkward half-wave. It was different, seeing Dan here, in public when they were deliberately meeting. It made Phil almost… shy.

Dan, it seemed, had no such qualms. The minute he caught sight of Phil, he was striding across the platform with purpose in his steps, but a smile just gracing the corner of his lips. Phil reached for him automatically as soon as he was close enough, but their conversation earlier was enough to make him hesitate – what if there was someone watching? So in the end, Phil ended up just kind of tugging on the edges of Dan’s sleeves in lieu of actually holding his hand.

Dan grinned and tugged on Phil’s sleeve in return. “Hi.”

“Hey.” Phil was a bit breathless. “Wasn’t sure you’d charm your way onto here.”

“Never doubt my charms,” Dan admonished him, giving another tug on Phil’s sleeve. He was smirking, that stupid expression that made him look arrogant, but Phil could read the slight nerves dancing behind his eyes.

Phil could understand that.

“You’re ridiculous,” Phil ended up telling him. “And a pain, and I thought I’d never see you again.” He tugged once more at Dan’s sleeve, and then took one more step forward, right into Dan’s space. They weren’t touching, but Phil could finally breathe him in again, cement the fact that this was somehow  _ real _ .

Dan was smiling, holding back a grin if the tightness to the edges of his mouth was anything to go by. He ducked his head a bit, nudging in closer, and murmured, “Of course you’d see me again, you spork.”

“I don’t know,” Phil confessed quietly. “Figured you’d have found someone more your level down here in the big city.”

“Better than you northerners,” Dan agreed, but he tightened his grip on Phil’s sleeve anyway. “Come on. I want to take you home.”

Phil could feel the tightness in his chest already receding just at those words. That fluff monster of nerves that had been trying to fight its way out of his stomach all day finally disintegrated, slowly, leaving him relaxed and feeling secure again.

So, with another deep breath, Phil reached out and took Dan’s hand in his own.

He felt Dan startle a bit, saw the way Dan turned his head with a questioning glance to Phil, but Phil just nodded his head firmly. “Home. Take me there.”

A beat of silence followed, but then Dan’s face relaxed into his open, easy, crinkly-eyed smile – Phil’s favourite. “Alright. Home.”

He kept his hand in Phil’s as he led him out of the station.

\---

In all the nerves about getting to London and seeing Dan again, Phil had kind of… forgotten that Dan had a flatmate.

Tyler Oakley was larger than life, bouncing around the room like an excited weasel and leaving a whirlwind of order in his wake. The kitchen was so clean it almost sparkled, the sofa cushions were plumped and soft and arranged with aesthetic looking cushions, and the whole place smelled like flowers and lemon.

Phil blinked upon walking in, and then turned straight to Dan. “There is no way this is your doing.”

Dan looked vaguely affronted, which honestly just made the whole thing better.

Tyler shook Phil’s hand enthusiastically upon meeting him, looked him up and down in a way that made Phil shift a bit uncomfortably, and then turned to Dan with an approving nod. “I give you leave to like him.”

“Bit late for that,” Dan answered wryly, giving Phil’s hand in his a squeeze. “But thanks.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Phil added stupidly, and then wanted to burst into embarrassed flames.

Tyler, thankfully, just smirked at him with that odd thin-lipped smile, eyes twinkling. “And if you can put up with Dan for multiple hours when he’s working on set, then I know you’re already a saint, so.”

“I am not  _ that bad _ ,” Dan huffed.

“No?” Tyler turned to Phil. “Did he do that thing to you where he fell asleep in random inconvenient spaces?”

Phil arched a brow. “Yes, actually. In my bookshop.”

Tyler sent Dan a triumphant look. “And get you out walking at random hours so he wouldn’t have to be  _ lonely _ ?”

“I got many 5am calls,” Phil agreed with a heavy sigh.

“I hate you both,” Dan announced. “Officially.”

“Ooh, we’re  _ terrified _ .” Tyler winked at Phil, and then proceeded to flick the hob on.

Tyler was a good cook, to add to his many talents, and he didn’t mind wittering on about nothing important while Dan and Phil curled up together on the sofa. Phil listened occasionally, feeling a bit bad about ignoring someone he’d only just met, but it was hard to focus on Tyler’s stories about stage make-up when he had Dan crawling rather determinedly into his lap.

“Do you  _ mind _ ,” Phil grumbled, but Dan just hushed him and got settled a bit more comfortably.

“ _ There _ ,” Dan said, with great satisfaction, and laid his head on Phil’s lap.

Phil pretended to grumble for a moment more, but he couldn’t keep it up for long when Dan was wriggling about and warm and  _ here _ . They were in the same space again, and Dan had wasted absolutely no time crawling back into Phil’s space, attaching them together firmly and simultaneously quieting all of Phil’s fears that this wouldn’t last, that he wouldn’t be enough.

It didn’t take long for Phil’s fingers to find their way into Dan’s hair, which only made Dan melt more against him. When Tyler next turned around, it was to find the two of them cuddled up close, hands held, Dan’s head in Phil’s lap, Phil leaning down over him with the softest little smile on his face.

Tyler smiled at both of them, and went back to cooking dinner.

Having Dan back in his space was the best thing Phil had ever felt. He’d known he’d  _ missed _ Dan, but it hadn’t quite felt as real or visceral as this before. When he had Dan’s hair under his fingers, Dan’s breath warm against his wrist, the warm weight of Dan’s torso sprawled across his lap, it was hard to remember what the empty space without him there had felt like. The unsettling ache that had burned its hole into Phil’s chest was placated somewhat when he had Dan so close.

Even when they ate, Dan made sure to keep touching Phil whenever was possible – a brush of the shoulder, a quick grip to his finger between courses (because Tyler was ridiculous and had cooked a full four courses, despite Dan insisting it wasn’t necessary, Tyler said he wanted a proper greeting for Dan’s Boyfriend). Phil appreciated it, even if the way Tyler’s gaze lingered on the two of them occasionally made him uncomfortable.

Phil tried to put it to the back of his mind. It was easier to do that than he’d imagined, what with Dan still insisting on lying on him at every possible opportunity.

The meal went well, and Tyler was surprisingly easy to get along with. At first, Phil found his brash, quick nature a bit difficult to get along with, but Dan and Tyler had a sort of easy banter that it was easy to listen to, so Phil fit himself in around that (and tried not to get jealous of how easily Tyler was able to tease Dan.  _ Phil _ wanted to do that, too).

They cleared up together, but then Dan tugged at Phil’s hand rather determinedly and turned to Tyler, saying rather firmly, “We’re going to my room now.”

Tyler arched a brow at the both of them. “Will I need earplugs?”

Phil sputtered, but Dan spoke over him smoothly enough. “Don’t be a shithead.”

Tyler shook his head, backing up a bit to wave them on through. Phil did everything he could not to meet his eyes. He was sure his cheeks had gone a disgusting red colour, but Dan was still tugging on his hand, so he felt slightly more sheltered than before. Besides, he was quite looking forward to curling up with Dan without worrying about what Tyler was doing.

Heading into Dan’s room was oddly familiar, if only from the background to many skype calls. Phil instantly recognised the black and grey pillows on his bed (so depressing and so typically Dan trying to be cool), the soft fluffy blanket he had thrown carelessly across his bed sheets, the shelf in the corner of the room that housed many anime DVDs as well as a few of Dan’s own films.

Phil grinned a bit when he saw them. “A fan of yourself, are you?”

“Shush, someone has to buy them,” Dan grumbled. He’d already sprawled himself across his bed and was making grabby hands at Phil, accompanied by a pathetic little whining noise.

Phil bit his lip to try and hide his grin. “Are you trying to tell me something?”

“Stop being a dick and get over here,” Dan grumbled. “It’s been  _ ages _ .”

Phil would have argued, but he was really itching to be back with Dan again too, so he just let out a put-upon sigh and crawled up onto the bed with Dan. Dan immediately attached himself to Phil, which was really quite ridiculous seeing as they were both tall lanky humans who didn’t really fit, but Dan was insistent and Phil wasn’t complaining.

They ended up a tangle of limbs, Dan sprawled mostly on top of Phil with his head nestled on Phil’s chest, just over Phil’s heartbeat. Phil wrapped both his arms around Dan’s back and squeezed, placing his face into Dan’s hair for just a moment.

“Missed you,” he confessed, which made Dan give a little wriggle against him.

“Missed you too,” Dan answered in his softest inside voice. Looking down at him, it was hard for Phil to imagine this as the same human who’d been smooth and suave in an interview on TV just a few days ago.

This Dan and Daniel Howell didn’t always match up in Phil’s head.

But he would learn. And besides, Phil really quite liked this Dan, so he squeezed him tight again and nestled his face into Dan’s hair.

“You’ve done nothing but cling at me since I got here,” Phil remarked casually into Dan’s hair.

Dan made some kind of muffled snorting noise into his shirt. “Are you complaining?”

“Never.”

“Good.”

Phil chuckled softly, jostling Dan a bit, and squeezed him close.

Dan blinked up at him, a question furrowing his brow. “So earlier, at the station, what did you mean?”

Phil tilted his head. “Uh, you might have to be a bit more specific?”

“When you said you thought you’d never see me again.”

Phil bit his lip. “Oh. That.”

“Yeah.” Dan shoved at him. “That. I wanted to ask you all through dinner, but—”

“Tyler,” Phil supplied wryly.

“Tyler.” Dan agreed. “So what did you mean?”

Phil let out a sigh. He debated for a moment just how honest to be, how much he should let Dan in. But Dan had already seen everything of him – and Phil had literally travelled across the country for him. It should be safe enough, shouldn’t it? Phil should feel secure enough to say this.

And the odd thing was, he  _ did _ . With Dan there, back in his arms, it was much easier to feel secure.

“I don’t know,” Phil finally murmured. “I just – when you were in Manchester, right there every day, it was easy to think about this. About you. But when you were gone—”

“Are you saying you never thought about me when I was gone?” Dan demanded indignantly.

“No, no, of course not – I mean – you were always on my mind, but in a bad way.”

Dan squawked.

“Not  _ bad  _ bad,” Phil hastened to rescue the conversation. “I mean like – it was hard to imagine it had happened at all when you weren’t there.”

Dan tilted his head up enough to send Phil a hard stare.

“Don’t look at me like that,” Phil defended himself. “It was easy to imagine you never looking at me twice again, you’re  _ actual Dan Howell _ .”

Dan continued to stare at him, though the look had turned into one of consideration. Thoughtfully, he answered, “We really need to work on your insecurities.”

“Thanks,” Phil grumbled gruffly.

“And you’re an idiot,” Dan added casually as if Phil hadn’t spoken. “Do you really think I could look at anyone else when you’re just sitting around in the north waiting for me?”

Phil hid a smile in Dan’s hair. “It just didn’t seem believable when you were on TV instead of sprawled all over my lounge.”

“I do not  _ sprawl _ .”

“What are you doing right now?”

“Not sprawling,” Dan grumbled, even as he shifted to be more comfortably settled on top of Phil.

Phil chuckled, squeezing his arms tight around Dan’s body. “If you say so.”

“Can you be quiet now,” Dan mumbled into Phil’s shirt, wriggling and stretching out and burying his face more firmly into Phil’s shirt. “Only get to have you here for so long, would rather not spend that time together bickering.”

“So you want me to be a faceless lump for you to sprawl on,” Phil deadpanned, chuckling again when Dan whacked at him. He pressed his face back into Dan’s hair and breathed him in, and really, he wasn’t complaining about this either.

Dan was right, after all. They only had this weekend, and Phil would really like to just hide from the rest of the world for a little while and focus only on having Dan back in his space.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for this chapter: there is some discussion of being outed without consent, and also discussions surrounding coming out to the public in general. Proceed with caution if this is a sticky issue for you ^_^
> 
> Also, the wonderful nothingisbetterthanfood (on tumblr) is in the process of translating this fic into German! So if you want to read it in that language, the link is here: https://www.fanfiktion.de/s/58c6ff42000510f9f5cb7b4/1/In-My-Way and thank you so much for doing this, I am in awe that you would spend so much time translating a fanfic, I am so happy ^_^
> 
> And once again massive thanks once again to @mecaka for betaing this! You are an angel <3

Waking up next to Dan was another of the best experiences of Phil’s life. He’d forgotten how  _ comfortable _ it was, having another warm body to cuddle up to under the sheets, someone else’s scent in the air, someone else’s arms around him. Phil kept his eyes closed with a happy sigh and snuffled his face into the warm material in front of him.

There was a soft squawk from somewhere above his head. “Do you  _ mind _ ?”

“Mrrh,” Phil made a non-committal noise back, keeping his face pressed in the warm loveliness before him. He wasn’t in his own bed, he knew that from the soft luxury of the sheets, much better than his scratchy old Ikea bedspread. Which meant he wasn’t in his city, because Dan was here, and Phil should probably be a lot more freaked out by that than he was.

When had it become normal for Dan to be in his space? All those months in Manchester, sure, but – but this time apart, it had felt never-ending. Phil hadn’t been sure he’d ever ease back into the comfort he’d had with Dan before.

If the way Dan was poking at him and telling him to shift because his arm was going numb was anything to go by, though, Phil thought they were pretty ok.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, lifting his face reluctantly off its place in Dan’s shoulder and blinking blearily at him. “Comfy.”

“Are you,” Dan grumbled, curls rumpled and dimple deep. “Well, I wasn’t.”

“Be quiet, of course you were.” Phil reached out to press his fingers into the blurry lines of Dan’s cheek, feeling the dimple give beneath his touch. He grinned. “You’re the happiest because I’m here, lighting up your life, as ever.”

“You’re fucking  _ insufferable _ .” Dan huffed, rolling away from Phil to face the other way. Phil made a distressed noise and moved after him, tugging at his arm, but Dan resisted with a low chuckle. “No, no cuddles for rude old men.”

“Excuse  _ you _ .” Phil had managed to wrangle his way under Dan’s arm, cuddled back up to his side. “You brought me all the way down from Manchester specifically  _ for _ cuddles, so. Might want to backtrack there.”

“Might I?” Dan turned his face to see Phil, biting back a smile. He leaned in to press a kiss to Phil’s forehead. “Maybe, then. If you behave.”

“I always behave.” Phil slung his own arm around Dan’s waist, drawing him closer until they were pressed as close together as they physically could be, among the bedsheets and their pyjamas and the warmth trapped between them.

They stayed like that, cuddled up together, and Phil closed his eyes again. He’d be quite content never to move, actually, but then Dan went and started shuffling about, disturbing him. Phil grumbled, cracking open one eye, and let out a defeated sigh when he saw that Dan had, of course, reached for his phone. “You can’t leave that alone and pay attention to me for five minutes?”

“Have to check on our adoring fans,” Dan answered with a cheeky wink.

Phil shoved him, and then determinedly closed his eyes and pressed his face back into whichever soft part of Dan he could reach.

He knew something was wrong the minute Dan started tensing up. With a frown,all seriousness recovered, Phil opened his eyes and turned his face up to see Dan staring at his phone screen, his face as white as the pillowcase next to him.

Phil propped himself up carefully. “What happened?”

Dan blinked, looking up to meet Phil’s gaze dead-on. There was something close to panic in his eyes, hiding behind his usual mask that Phil was still learning to look behind. Without a word, Dan turned his phone screen, and Phil took it off him, squinting without his glasses.

It was Dan’s twitter, open on an image from – an article? Or something – but the image was laid out in plain sight, of Phil and Dan walking back from the train station yesterday, hand-in-hand.

Phil’s breath caught in his throat.

He only caught sight of a few of the squealing replies on Twitter, but it was enough to tell him the news had already spread. Whatever report this was from, it must have been picked up by Dan’s followers, must already be everywhere

Who had even photographed them? Phil was sure he hadn’t seen anyone.

Suddenly, the brave-in-the-moment decision to hold Dan’s hand in public yesterday didn’t seem like quite such a good idea.

“Yeah,” Dan whispered, looking at Phil’s expression in the glimpses of sunlight coming through his partially opened curtains. “Yeah, that’s exactly how I feel.”

Phil blinked. He shook his head a bit, thoughts swirling, and then shoved the phone back at Dan. He didn’t want to look at that image anymore. Not that seeing Dan next to him was  _ bad _ , it was more that – it wasn’t from their perspective. Some outsider had seen this, and now – now, speculation was going to be everywhere.

Phil hadn’t even told his  _ mum _ yet. What if she saw this? What was she going to think?

Dan took the phone back from Phil, his face drained of all colour as he looked at the screen. Phil watched him, feeling distant, almost far away as Dan just stared, and the silence between them grew heavier and heavier.

“It’s from an article,” Dan finally broke the silence, his tone harsh from trying not to let it shake. “Newspaper. I should have known it couldn’t last long.”

Phil’s throat was dry. A newspaper – a picture of them, together, in a newspaper, and neither of them were at all prepared for this. This was another huge step, a giant one, and one that should have been taken with a lot of prior thought and discussion. But they’d never even  _ talked  _ about going public, not really, not beyond the fact that neither of them was ready to tell everyone openly that they were together.

Why did this have to happen  _ now _ ? On the one weekend Phil finally had Dan back in his arms, and not just in pixelated form?

“Looks like it’s spread to other websites, too,” Dan added, “all across the internet. I can attempt some damage control, but sometimes with these things, it’s better to leave them quiet. I can privately request to get the photos taken down, I suppose…”

Phil let Dan’s ramble trail off into background noise. It was important, of course, but just then Phil was still desperately trying to get his head around what had happened.

He and Dan hadn’t been ready to go public. Dan had said before he wasn’t ready, and Phil…

Phil hadn’t even told his mum yet.

He was jolted back to himself when Dan started moving. The bed shifted, the covers disappeared, and Phil made a displeased noise and reached out to grab for Dan.

His hand landed on Dan’s arm, where he tugged until Dan turned back to face him, one styled eyebrow arched. “Yes?”

“Where’re you going,” Phil mumbled, still a little hazy with sleep and the shock of it all.

“To fix this mess,” Dan answered dryly. “And fetch you some coffee, so you’re actually awake enough to talk about it.”

Phil blinked, then frowned. “I’m awake!”

“Yeah, no, you’re really not.” Dan patted him on the head, an oddly affectionate gesture, and then moved to get up. “I’ll be back. Don’t hurt yourself before I return.”

Phil made another disgruntled noise, but this time he let Dan go. Coffee sounded good, after all, and Dan knew as well as Phil did that he wouldn’t really be able to think until he’d had his first mug of the day.

It was just, without Dan, the roaring in Phil’s head got louder. The worry, the concern, and the not-quite-a-freak-out-yet raucous grew and grew until it was rattling inside his skull, a constant reminder that there was a public image of him and Dan in a very-much-non-platonic setting.

Unless holding hands could ever count as platonic? It could, surely, but… but the newspapers wouldn’t see it that way. And neither would their readers. The idea of a faceless mass of people out there all judging his and Dan’s appearance and relationship had the noise in Phil’s head tipping over to definite freak-out mode.

By the time Dan came back, he found Phil buried down in the blankets with his head under the pillow, making muffled screeching noises. Dan just stood and watched him for a moment, two mugs in hand, before he grinned and said, “Same.”

Phil jumped. He turned his head, the sheets twisted around his legs, and made a muffled noise again. He saw the mugs and made grabby hands.

Dan chuckled, but he handed the one with coffee in it over. Phil practically inhaled it, which just made Dan laugh again as he perched himself down on his side of the bed. And that was still a weird thought – his side of the bed. Because someone else belonged in the other side, now.

Dan wondered if it would be any more difficult to be here after Phil left, once the memory of him in this room was fixed.

He sipped at his hot chocolate and then set it down on his bedside table, watching as Phil wrapped long fingers around his own mug. Phil was determinedly not looking at him.

Dan bit his lip. “How much are you freaking out about this right now?”

Phil finally glanced over at him, eyes a bit wild.

Dan’s lips twitched. “Like, give me a percentage to work with here.”

Phil squeaked. “Um. Probably – somewhere around the 85% mark.”

“Ok.” Dan scooted closer, started to rub small circles into Phil’s back. It made Phil relax against him, if slowly, and he let Phil lean into his side, liked the feeling of him there. “Ok, so. It’s happened, whether we like it or not.”

Phil drew in a shuddering breath.

“We just have to figure out how we’re going to react.” Dan’s voice was soothing, he hoped. It was easy to flip back into business mode, to remember how he acted when he was in public rather than at home, or with Phil. He had to be on guard again.

Phil glanced up at him from where his head was resting on Dan’s shoulder. “Do we have to react?”

“Not necessarily.” Dan shrugged. “I tend to think – sometimes, with these things, we could just ignore it and let people assume what they want.”

Phil nodded slowly. “But?”

“But,” Dan continued, “I also think things have a habit of exploding if I ignore them.”

A small smile flitted briefly over Phil’s face. “Why does that not surprise me?”

“Shush,” Dan nudged him, but the motion was affectionate. He sighed, pressing his face into Phil’s hair, just breathing him in for a moment. It calmed him; grounded him. Reminded him that Phil was still right here, with him, and that was the most important thing.

“What are the other options?” Phil coaxed gently after a moment.

Dan bit his lip. He’d been thinking, his mind racing ever since he first saw the article. Anger had been his first response, and fear, but then – but then he’d also been somewhat weirdly  _ relieved _ . If it meant he never had to hide Phil again or avoid talking about him when being asked awkward questions, then it couldn’t be wholly bad. Or, more enticingly, never having to answer ridiculous questions about when his next girlfriend was going to show up.

That thought was appealing, Dan couldn’t deny it.

But that also came with so many  _ problems _ . If Dan didn’t outright deny the article, then people would be assuming things left right and centre. It would probably be the only thing Dan was asked about, and that wasn’t exactly ideal, what with the premiere coming up. That was what Dan wanted to be focusing on right now, that and only that. He didn’t want to have to deal with this speculation, too.

So then there was the other option – not to deny it, not to ignore it, but to… to simply  _ confirm _ it. He could do it, it would be easy as anything to drop hints on Twitter about him and Phil being together, and he knew they already had a fanbase who would lap it up and quickly spread the news everywhere. It would be simple. And then there would be no more hiding, no more avoiding questions, no more worrying every second that he was out in public with Phil.

But… that would also mean coming out. Something Dan had never thought he’d publically do.

And coming out  _ with Phil _ . And would Phil even be ok with that?

Judging by the way he was freaking out… probably not.

“Dan?” Phil prompted again, turning to study his expression. He was warm against Dan’s side, eyes a little concerned. “Are the other options really that bad?”

“No, not really.” Dan sighed, then flopped back on the bed, pulling Phil down with him. “This just isn’t exactly how I’d planned for things to be.”

“Me neither.” Phil snorted a bit, clambering over Dan’s chest to meet his eyes. “But then, I never really expected to be dating a famous actor, either.”

Dan’s lips twitched. “Wasn’t in your life plan, huh?”

“Not exactly.” Phil laid his head down against Dan’s chest and closed his eyes, listening to the soft thud of Dan’s heart beating away. It would be easy, he thought, if they could just stay like this forever. Just the two of them in their own little world, distant from any kind of pressure that might exist out there.

They lay in muffled silence for a while, both dwelling on their own thoughts.

Dan was the first to pull them out of it, and he made Phil startle. “I mean, I could just come out.”

Phil jumped, flailing.

“Not if you weren’t comfortable with it.” Dan was talking as easily as if they were discussing the weather, but the way he was staring determinedly up at the ceiling betrayed his inner nerves. His face was a calm mask, but Phil knew him well enough by now to read the panic and fear that was hiding just behind his eyes.

Phil blinked at him.

“But I could,” Dan continued. “I mean, it’s possible.”

“Sure it is,” Phil answered slowly. “If that’s what you really wanted to do?”

Dan bit both his lips and tipped his head back against the pillow, eyes glued to a crack in the ceiling.

“Is it?” Phil pushed gently. “What you really want to do?”

Dan stayed silent for another moment before he pushed both hands against his face and groaned. “I don’t  _ know _ , Phil. I honestly don’t know.”

Phil hovered. “You shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to do.”

“I know that,” Dan mumbled into his hands, “but I just don’t really want to keep hiding, either.”

Phil looked down at him, torn and a little bit scared.

If Dan didn’t want to hide anymore, did that mean… was Phil not enough for him after all?

But no. Dan had said before that Phil would always be enough, and Phil believed him. Everything they’d said and done for these past months had been about them figuring out how to be together, and Phil was absolutely positive they both were happiest when they were close. He’d just… not expected to be confronted with anything else, yet, and it petrified him.

“I don’t want to hide you anymore,” Dan was mumbling into his hands. “I hate not talking about you, dodging questions about you. Having to smile and laugh when someone asks me if I’m enjoying the single life, or when I’ll find a girl to settle down with.”

Phil’s heart froze. Well. At least that didn’t sound like Dan wanted to leave him.

“I just want to scream at them that it might be a boy, too,” Dan mumbled, and then finally spread his fingers to peek through them at Phil. “That it turned out to be a boy, I mean. That you exist.”

Despite himself, Phil found himself smiling.

“But,” Dan continued cautiously, “I’d only do this if you were ok with it. I don’t want you to feel like you’re being pressured into something you’re not ready for.”

As ever, Dan was there, caring for him. Putting Phil first. Always making sure Phil was comfortable. That made a surge of affection rise in Phil’s chest, swamping him

Phil reached out and cupped Dan’s cheek in his hand, thumb curving over where his dimple usually appeared. He leaned in close and brushed a careful kiss over Dan’s nose, then dipped down briefly to his lips.

“I think you should do what you want,” Phil told him softly when they pulled away. “Whatever would make you happiest.”

Dan looked up at him, all soft and open, and he looked so  _ young _ . His curls were wild, fluffed up against the pillow, and he was all bony corners and open edges as he stared up at Phil. “Are you sure?”

“One hundred percent.” Phil kissed the tip of Dan’s nose again, smiling when it made him scrunch his face up. “If you’d be more comfortable not hiding this… then we shouldn’t hide it.”

Dan’s eyes widened a bit. “I’d still be pretty terrified. Coming out as bi – that isn’t always easy.”

“No, but you’d be a pillar of the community.” Phil grinned at him, leaning down to nuzzle back into his neck. “A proper role model.”

“I’m not sure I really want to be,” Dan mumbled as he wrapped his arms around Phil’s waist. “I just want to be happy. And with you.”

Something warm glowed in Phil’s chest again. He hid his smile against Dan’s neck, breathing him in. “Then let’s do that. Just be happy, and us. The world can think whatever they like.”

Dan wriggled against him, but it was a happy wriggle. He paused after a moment, though, running his fingers through Phil’s hair. “Are you sure, though? I mean – I wouldn’t mention you, not if you didn’t want, but…”

“It might be kind of obvious,” Phil finished for him with a low chuckle, “considering we’ve been photographed everywhere together. Holding hands in the latest one.”

Dan hid his smile in Phil’s hair. “Yeah.”

Phil blew out a sigh. He gave himself a moment to think about it, knowing this wasn’t a decision to rush into – not when he knew he was prone to freak outs and he still hadn’t even told his  _ mum _ . But the idea of not having to hide – of watching Dan in interviews like the one earlier that week, only watching him talk about  _ Phil _ , about  _ them _ , no worries of hiding it – that was an appealing thought, Phil couldn’t deny it.

So maybe. Maybe… it was a possibility.

“There are people I’d want to tell on my own first,” Phil answered slowly. “My mum. PJ already knows, but – my friends. Lilith. My brother.”

“Of course.” Dan’s tone was tinged with held-back excitement.

“And I’m not quite sure  _ what _ I’d tell them, either,” Phil continued. “I mean, I’m not bi like you, but – maybe that’s a bit much to try and explain?”

“We wouldn’t have to go into too much detail,” Dan murmured. “Just, I’d say I’m bi, and that you’re my boyfriend – or partner – or whatever word fits best. And leave it at that.”

Phil’s face scrunched up. “That would have them… assuming things, wouldn’t it?”

“Probably,” Dan admitted honestly. “I don’t quite know how I’d get them to stop. I mean, I’d explain wherever possible, but… I don’t know, Phil. Without you coming out, too, it would be hard to stop them.”

Phil mulled that over for a moment. He knew Dan was right – that there wasn’t really a way to control what people would think of them. That they’d be assuming the nature of his and Dan’s relationship was something physical, something that Phil really wasn’t comfortable with. And maybe one day, Phil would be ready to correct them, but for right now—

Right now, Dan was the important one. Dan’s comfort, and Dan’s happiness, and Phil thought this was the right thing for him to do.

“I’ll fix that as and when it occurs,” he murmured into Dan’s neck, groping about until he caught Dan’s hand in his own. “But until then – I think you should do this.”

Dan stared down at him, biting his lip. “You think so?”

“I do.” Phil nodded, then tilted his face up to meet Dan’s wide-eyed gaze. “I think you’ll be happier if you can be more of yourself out there.”

Dan gave him another long look before he nodded. A small smile broke across his face. “Yeah. I think you’re right.”

Phil smiled back at him and pulled him in closer.

A problem not exactly solved, but at least dealt with. For the moment. That warranted them another few hours’ cuddling in bed, in Phil’s book.

\---

The premiere, they decided.

The premiere was when Dan would come out.

“It’s in two weeks’ time,” Dan was explaining as he brushed his teeth, Phil perched on the edge of the bathtub next to him. “That’s enough time to prepare myself. And I wouldn’t want to hijack all the promo for the film before then, either.”

“Is there much promo, then?” Phil asked from his rather precarious position. For as expansive as Dan and Tyler’s flat was, the bathroom was a little crammed, and he was squidged into the tiniest corner between the sink and the shower head. There really wasn’t much room to move.

Dan gave a muffled snort. “Yeah. The promo’s barely even  _ started _ .”

“But you’ve done that interview,” Phil protested, “and other things, there was the magazine review…”

“But nothing with the full cast yet,” Dan reminded him gently, leaning over the sink to spit out the toothpaste. It should probably be gross. Phil wondered why it wasn’t. “And there’s still the trailer to come out, there’ll be a bunch more interviews before then.”

“Oh.” Phil sank down a little, wondering what that must feel like. Having your face plastered everywhere. Dan had talked about it a little, but mostly in sarcastic terms, making it hard to know what he really thought. But the Dan Phil knew was an introvert, and a lone one at that, so it was hard to imagine him enjoying any kind of social activity.

But thoughts of the trailer were good, too. He’d be itching to see this film regardless of whether or not he knew any of the cast, as  _ Last Man Standing  _ really was one of his favourite books, but he’d get to see Louise again, and all the other people Dan had been talking about. And Dan himself, of course.

As if reading his mind, Dan shot him an amused look. “Excited about seeing my face on a giant screen again?”

“Shut up,” Phil grumped, poking Dan’s side. “I know you’re looking forward to it, anyway.”

“Not really,” Dan disagreed lightly. He took Phil’s hand, tugging him back to the door.

Phil frowned, staying stubbornly in place. “Why not?”

Dan shifted, but he stayed put when it was obvious Phil wasn’t going anywhere soon. He made a face, but it was clearly meant to hide whatever was darkening his eyes a little, making him avoid Phil’s gaze.

That just made Phil look harder.

“I think I told you before,” Dan eventually relented. “I’m not really such a fan of seeing my face everywhere.”

Phil tilted his head. “How come?”

Dan shrugged, still avoiding Phil’s gaze. “It’s just weird.”

Phil bit his lip, ready to prod further, but then there was a new voice trilling somewhere from the kitchen, calling both of their names out loud (and with far too much enthusiasm for this time in the morning, in Phil’s view).

Dan smirked, sharing a resigned look with Phil. “Tyler.”

“Is he always like this?” Phil asked a little helplessly.

“What, so loud?” Dan grinned, nodding. “Unfortunately. C’mon, he’ll be in here with us if we take too long.”

Phil grumbled about it, but he let himself be pulled along regardless.

Breakfast was a happy affair. Tyler was eating some form of giant sweet American pancake, and there were enough for Dan and Phil to share. The sweet syrupy sticky mess was good, and it relaxed Phil enough that he actually started enjoying being around the two men, one whom he barely knew at all. Conversation was easy, especially with Dan and Tyler griping with each other over who’s turn it was to wash the dishes, or why Tyler had had to be the one to answer the door the past five times there was a parcel (usually Dan’s) arriving.

Seeing Dan in such a domestic session as this – it warmed Phil in a way he hadn’t quite expected. Like this was yet another side of Dan, one he’d only been able to glimpse at so far, in quiet relaxed moments curled up together in his flat in Manchester.

It struck Phil then how really very fast this had all been. He hadn’t even known Dan that long, but here he was, sat at his breakfast table in a city he didn’t know.

He wasn’t afraid, though. No, for the first time in a very long time, Phil actually felt quite safe in someone else’s company – like he wasn’t too weird for them, or too grumpy, or too out of place. He fit with Dan. Here or in Manchester, at work or at home, he fit with Dan, and that was something worth holding on to.

The fear from that morning still lingered, the thought of their photo being out in a newspaper was generally terrifying, but Phil still knew that what he had with Dan was worth risking almost everything for.

Half-way through the giant stack of pancakes, Tyler turned to Dan with a question. “So, have you started thinking about looks for the premiere yet?”

Dan blinked at him slowly. “Already?”

“Oh, no, Howell, we are not playing the last minute game  _ again _ .” Tyler placed his cutlery down with an unnecessarily loud noise and proceeded to fix Dan with a sharp stare. “When are we going shopping?”

“I don’t need  _ another _ new suit,” Dan groaned, but Tyler was already shaking his head with a scarily determined expression on his face.

Phil looked between them, amused. Tyler took a while to get used to, but the more time he spent in his company, the more he grew on Phil. Plus, he was rather exceptionally good at putting Dan in his place. Phil should probably start taking notes.

“Plus,” Tyler continued, “You need to think about who’s going to be your plus one this time. You know the tabloids are going to be scouting for you.”

Dan made a face, but Phil glanced over at him, curious. He knew from his early days of internet stalking Dan that the last premiere he’d been to had been with his last girlfriend, Susie, the one Phil had mistakenly thought was still with Dan before they sorted things out between them. From what Phil could gather, it was usual for a plus one to be a significant other.

Dan seemed to arrive at this conclusion at the same time, as he suddenly turned to Phil with a slightly wondering look.

Phil arched a brow. That expression on Dan worried him.

“Hey,” Dan said softly, tone hopeful.

Phil shook his head straight away. “No. Nope. No way in  _ hell _ , Howell.”

“But it would be perfect!” Dan argued, his tone pitching up. “Think about it!”

“I  _ am _ , and it’s a terrible idea.”

“But Tyler just said!” Dan pointed at where Tyler was sitting, now looking a little confused. “The tabloids will be scouting for me, it’s perfect!”

“That’s not how we agreed to do this,” Phil persisted weakly.

“But it would  _ work _ .”

“I can’t do that, Dan, come on, look at me!”

“I  _ am _ , and it  _ would work _ .” Dan leaned closer, grabbing Phil’s hand under the table and staring at him beseechingly.

Phil narrowed his eyes. “I swear, if you start whining—”

“Would I ever,” Dan disagreed, to a snort from Phil. Dan pouted. “Come  _ on _ , think about it. It would be the perfect time!”

“I really don’t think being gawped at by millions of reporters—”

“There are never  _ millions _ —”

“Regardless, it’s just a really bad idea!” Phil’s eyes were wide.

Tyler looked between the two of them, surprise written all over his face. “Er – if you two could stop having conversations in code for one second?”

Dan and Phil kept eye contact for a moment longer, Dan pleading, Phil doing his damnedest to remain stubbornly negative.

Eventually, Dan broke, spinning to look at Tyler with a gusty sigh. “It would  _ work _ . Bringing Phil as my plus one. Tell him.”

Tyler’s surprise only grew.

Phil shrank down into his seat, wishing for all the world to disappear into the floor.

“I thought you guys were keeping it quiet?” Tyler glanced at Dan, in particular, confusion in his tone. “You especially, you always told everyone to butt out?”

“I did,” Dan decided, glancing quickly at Phil before back to Tyler again. “But, well – have you checked the news this morning?”

Tyler looked more confused and fished out his phone. Phil watched with trepidation, knowing it would only take a few minutes of scrolling for Tyler to find what he and Dan had woken up to just a few hours ago – and Phil wasn’t entirely sure he was ready for the reaction.

Tyler made a soft noise in the back of his throat, dropping his phone in favour of staring back at Dan.

“Yeah,” Dan said wryly. “So, it’s maybe a little late to be keeping everything quiet.”

“Fucking paparazzi,” Tyler muttered, folding his arms and fixing Dan with a stern stare. “So you decided not to deny it?”

Dan shook his head, glancing over at Phil again. “I think I’ll be happier if I don’t have to hide myself anymore.”

Phil recognised his own sentiments in Dan’s words. He bit back a smile, looking up to find Dan staring at him softly. Despite himself, Phil’s stomach still jumped every time he got looked at like that.

“You’ve never said anything more sensible in your life.” Tyler broke out into a smile, and suddenly, some of the tension building up in Phil broke. He relaxed his shoulders with a soft exhale. If Tyler knew—and was happy about it—then maybe this was doable after all. Phil had no doubt that it was the right decision for Dan.

He didn’t, however, much like the look that Tyler directed his way seconds later. “So, we’d better think about getting him into a suit.”

“Exactly,” Dan said smugly.

Phil shot upright, eyes wide. “Hey, no, this is still a terrible idea.”

“Matching colours,” Tyler mused, glancing between the both of them. “Blue highlights, I think. It’ll bring out his eyes.”

“I said no—”

“Shopping trip next weekend?” Dan glanced over at Tyler questioningly.

“It’s still a little late,” Tyler grouched. “Only a week after that if you’re not happy.”

“Yeah, but Phil can only come down at weekends.”

“I said no!” Phil yelped. He squeezed a little desperately at Dan’s hand, staring at him. “You aren’t seriously considering this, are you?”

Dan squeezed back, leaning reassuringly into Phil’s side. “Not if you really don’t want to. But think about it – it’s the perfect time to tell everyone.”

“In front of all those cameras?” Phil’s voice squeaked. “All those people? Really?”

Dan’s thumb rubbed soothingly over the back of Phil’s hand. “It saves waiting for the story to spread. It’ll be like this amazing statement, this fact that like, I’m not who they always thought I was because I’ve got this amazing man by my side, and the theatrics of it when we get out of the car—”

“Of course you’d like that,” Phil muttered.

Dan stopped, sending Phil a small frown. “If you really don’t want to, then we won’t. We’ll find another way. But there will be questions if I turn up at the premiere alone, and I sure as fuck am not bringing anyone else.”

Despite himself, that warmed Phil a little.

“As things go, premieres are kinda safe,” Tyler chipped in. “The focus will all be on the film, you two’ll just be, like, an interesting by-line.”

Phil bit his lip.

“And when are you ever going to get the chance to go to a premiere again?” Dan pointed out, poking gently at Phil’s side. “PJ will be insanely jealous. Especially as you’re going with one of the main stars and all.”

Phil elbowed him, but he had to admit that the more he thought it through, the more the idea made sense. Logically, theoretically, at least. Practically, he was still quaking at even the  _ thought _ .

“Dan,” Phil turned to him, eyes still a little wild. “I didn’t even make it through my graduation without falling over my own feet in front of everyone.”

“It wouldn’t matter,” Dan soothed.

Phil shook his head. “I’ll just embarrass you—”

“I don’t care.”

“—And you’re going to be there with all your peers—”

“Phil, I don’t care.”

“But it’s just  _ me _ ,” Phil said helplessly. “I’m not –  _ I _ can’t go to a premiere.”

Dan shrugged with one shoulder, but his eyes were sparkling. “You  _ can _ if we do this.”

Phil held his stare for a long, long moment, in which Dan kept rubbing his thumb over the back of Phil’s hand.

Finally, finally, Phil slumped down in his seat with a gusty sigh. He turned to Tyler. “Shopping next weekend, you said?”

Tyler’s eyes lit up, and Dan squeezed Phil’s fingers even tighter. “If you can get down here again.”

Phil glanced over at Dan, saw the hope in his eyes, the fear from this morning completely wiped out and replaced with something very close to excitement.

Phil couldn’t take that away from him. And this was Dan’s world. Phil would just have to trust him.

Turning back to Tyler, Phil gave a firm nod. “I can get down here again.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter finally! Sorry for the delay, usual life things like university happen ^_^ thank you so much to everyone still reading and leaving comments, they really mean a lot to me, and as usual, huge thanks to Meg, my beta. Now just three chapters to go!
> 
> Also, two amazing pieces of fan art have been done for this story, you can see them here:
> 
> By illoura (I actually love this one so much it's currently my phone background): http://ineverhadmyinternetphase.tumblr.com/post/162679663505/illoura-actordan-and-uniphil-au-from-in-my-way
> 
> By heartbreakerlester (I especially love the Phil): http://ineverhadmyinternetphase.tumblr.com/post/164791649355/heartbreakerlester-ive-been-doodling-my-favorite

It was true – Phil  _ could _ get down to London again for the weekends, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t still absolutely terrified. So he did his best to focus on the time he got to spend with Dan, rather than the fact that he was soon to be loudly announcing his place at Dan’s side in front of a whole bunch of cameras.

Phil had to admit, though, that having a more concrete schedule for seeing Dan was doing him good. He liked knowing that every weekend he could hop onto a train and be down with Dan again. He didn’t even mind all the travelling involved. Returning to Manchester at the end of the weekend was softened by the knowledge that he’d be back in London again soon enough, that he’d have Dan back in his arms again at the end of another week.

It wasn’t easy to leave him, but it was easier than it would have been otherwise.

Phil spent the rest of the week in Manchester desperately brushing up on the last of his uni work. His final assessment, his viva, was creeping imminently closer, and Phil was feeling less than prepared.

As much as Dan was a wonderful addition to Phil’s life, he was also something of a distraction. Phil’s mind hadn’t quite been where it should be over the past few months.

But still, Phil had managed to hand in his thesis on time, and despite everything he thought it had turned out rather well. Now he just needed to get all of that knowledge stuck in his head, ready to be grilled by two of the most senior people in his department.

Nothing to be worried about at all.

The next weekend with Dan was giving Phil something to look forward to, which was much needed as he was once again drowning in books and sources and articles. Spending any time apart was proving to be difficult, and Phil found himself calling Dan up most days, or sometimes, waking up in the middle of the night to the insistent buzzing of his phone by his ear because Dan had no sense of time or normal waking hours.

The distance wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t as difficult as it could have been. Nothing felt impossible. In fact, Phil was starting to entertain the very real, very dangerous possibility that he might just get to keep Dan in his life more permanently.

That brought with it some terrifying ideas about the future. A future in London, with Dan, in Dan’s world. He still hadn’t completely decided what to do, but there were internships, places that would take him, especially once his PhD had gone through. He could edit professionally, full-time, not just the bits and pieces he did for PJ between his own work. And Phil loved education, he really did, but after his PhD he was itching to get out and try some of his work in a more public setting.

Meeting Dan had helped with that, he had to admit. Seeing Dan’s world, or the bits of it he’d been privy to so far, had lit something inside of Phil he wasn’t sure had been there before. Something that desired to make good things, and be brave enough to put them out into the world.

He’d talk to Dan about it, this weekend. See if he thought Phil could do this, if he should apply to somewhere in London, and exactly what that would mean for the two of them.

Phil hoped it would mean good things.

Travelling down to London that weekend brought its own set of nerves, something Phil wasn’t sure he’d get over no matter how many times he saw Dan. There was just something about the deliberate, planned nature of going to see him that felt more real, and scarier, than bumping into him on the film set had felt. This spoke of something that required forethought.

But Dan would be at the end of it, and that was enough for Phil.

He leaned his head against the windowsill, watching the countryside flash past the window, becoming gradually more and more built up the closer to the city he got. He mourned the loss of green, the wide open spaces slowly narrowing and narrowing, but there was the upside that he was drawing closer and closer to Dan. Every minute brought him nearer.

Dan was waiting for him at the station again, although this time a little more surreptitiously. He was wearing normal casual clothes, a giant baggy grey jumper and black jeans, stuff that blended in with the people around him. Dan himself still stuck out like a sore thumb, though. He was just so much taller than the people around him, and being aware of that fact just made him more awkward than he already was.

Phil greeted him with a smile and a quick, cautious hug. After what happened the last time they met at a station, they both knew to be more careful, even if Dan did pout at him a little.

“You set the date for coming out,” Phil reminded him as he shouldered his bag and followed Dan out of the station. “The premiere. No overshadowing the build-up, remember?”

“I know,” Dan grumbled morosely. “I just miss holding your hand, it’s been an entire  _ week _ .”

Phil bit back a self-satisfied grin. He’d missed Dan too, but it was still reassuring to hear it from Dan’s own lips, just how much being apart hurt. It was making Phil consider serious things about the future, about  _ their _ future.

But he kept those thoughts to himself for now, and instead walked faster so they’d be safely back behind closed doors soon.

Dan’s flat was empty, Tyler being out at a shoot, so Phil took his time putting away his suitcase and then taking Dan into his arms, remembering what it felt like to have him close again. They curled up together on the sofa, half-heartedly watching old reruns, but more interested in focusing on having each other back in their space again.

“I missed this,” Dan said lowly after a few minutes.

Phil shifted a little to look down at where Dan was sprawled across his lap. Gently, he drew a finger through Dan’s curls, for once not straightened to within an inch of its life, and pulled him closer. “Me too. I don’t like it, being away from you.”

“Me neither,” Dan grumbled, shifting into Phil’s touch. “I don’t think you should actually be allowed to leave, tbh.”

Phil’s lips twitched. His thoughts skittered back to the possibility of not having to leave – of having somewhere permanently within Dan’s reach.

The thought was a good one, if a little terrifying.

Phil cleared his throat, knowing if he didn’t bring it up now then he’d never really be brave enough. “I kind of agree, actually.”

Dan twisted to send him a confused look. “Not fighting me for once? That’s a novelty.”

“Shut up.” Phil nudged him, then gathered him back in close, fighting the nerves beginning to swirl in his belly. “I meant, like, maybe there’s a way I wouldn’t have to leave.”

Dan arched a brow and waited.

“I’ve been giving it some thought.” Phil gathered up his courage and looked determinedly at the wall next to the tv. “There’s a few possibilities. Editing companies here that would take on someone with my qualifications. If I ever get my degree, that is.”

“Your  _ third _ degree,” Dan reminded him with a snort.

“Yeah, well,” Phil shrugged, “Depends on how my viva goes next week. And then there’s no guarantee anyone would actually  _ take _ me.”

Dan went very quiet. He stilled in Phil’s arms, so Phil glanced down at him curiously to see a little furrow between Dan’s eyebrows.

“What’s a viva?” Dan finally settled on asking, still not meeting Phil’s eyes.

Phil blinked. “I told you before. The final assessment, where I have to explain my thesis idea to two professors and they rip it to shreds in front of me.”

Dan didn’t laugh, though he did offer Phil a comforting half-hearted smile. “They won’t rip it to shreds.”

“You don’t even understand it,” Phil berated him.

“Yeah, but I’m a dropout.” Dan stretched. “You’re actually intelligent, you’ll be fine.”

Phil nodded slowly. If he was honest, this wasn’t quite the excited reaction he’d been expecting from Dan if he brought up the possibility of actually moving to London. The support was nice, sure, but he’d kind of hoped Dan might squeal a little and jump on him.

All in all, Phil was actually a little disappointed.

Dan shifted again in his lap, glancing up with the little furrow still present in his brow. Phil reached down to wipe it away. “So you wouldn’t mind?” Phil asked. “If I… thought about applying here?”

“ _ Mind _ ?!” Dan shook his head vehemently, reaching up to cup a hand to Phil’s cheek. “The opposite. I want you to be here all the time, Phil, I thought I’d made that fairly obvious.”

Phil’s nose wrinkled. “A little, maybe.”

“I want you to be here,” Dan promised, sitting up and leaning closer, his palm still cupping Phil’s cheek. “In fact, there’s nothing I want more.”

Phil’s heart flipped over in his chest, and he was still getting used to it doing that. Feelings like this were still new and a little bit overwhelming, but the more time he spent in Dan’s presence, the safer he felt. The butterflies still hadn’t stopped, though.

Dan was looking at him very intently, his dark eyes warm, and then he leaned in to press a kiss to Phil’s lips. Phil melted against him, as he always did, because Dan knew just how much to give him, just how much was good, and had learned never to push him further than that. How had he got so lucky, Phil wondered. How had he ever managed to find someone who would appreciate his boundaries, never mind that someone being  _ actual Dan Howell _ .

They drew apart again, Phil’s arms having found their way wound tight around Dan’s waist, but Dan ignored his insistent tugging and instead leaned back to meet Phil’s eyes.

Phil looked back, because he always would, and because seeing Dan this close to him was a thrill after a week spent apart.

Dan licked his lips. “I… I want to tell you something.”

“Anything,” Phil promised.

Dan swallowed, and when he spoke again, his voice cracked a bit. “I did something. And I’m going to tell you, but – but you have to promise me you won’t get mad, ok, and there might not—”

The sound of the door slamming interrupted Dan and made them both jump wildly. Dan pulled back, and Phil wanted to grab him, to hold him still and listen to whatever he was about to say, but then Tyler came waltzing into the room, chattering a hundred words a minute as he went.

“You wouldn’t  _ believe _ the hours I’ve been working, there are so many actors on that shoot, and if I never have to wipe another person’s sweaty brow – oh, hi Phil – another sweaty brow, it will have been too long, I’m telling you,  _ never again _ .” He visibly shuddered as he threw himself down onto the sofa across from them.

Dan watched him with a small smile. He was still wrapped up in Phil’s arms, but he wasn’t looking at Phil anymore, so Phil nudged him and quirked a brow. “Tell me later?”

Dan bit his lip, threw another glance at Tyler, and nodded quickly. Then he turned back to Tyler with a small smile. “So long day, I’m guessing?”

“Horrendously long.” Tyler was lying dramatically on his back with one hand flung across his forehead. “I’m dead, that’s it, I’m never rising again.”

“That doesn’t look particularly comfortable,” Phil observed softly, making Dan snort.

“Excuse you, Mr. Northerner,” Tyler responded airily, then twisted to send Phil a look. “Oh! Now you’re here, we can go shopping, excellent.”

Dan groaned.

“Don’t think you’re getting out of it, Howell,” Tyler warned. “I told you. If you’re making a statement at this premiere, then you have to get the look exactly right.”

“I  _ hate _ shopping with you,” Dan whined. “It takes  _ hours _ and you make me try on every single thing in the shop.”

Tyler shrugged. “At least you’ll have company this time.”

Dan sent Phil a sharp grin.

“Oh, oh no.” Phil shook his head, looking helplessly between them. “No, come on, I thought you were joking.”

“I never joke about fashion,” Tyler said seriously, and then flopped dramatically back down onto the couch. “Give me five minutes to recover, and we’re leaving.”

Dan groaned again, and this time, Phil didn’t even rebuke him.

\---

Clothes shopping with Tyler Oakley turned out to be an… experience.

He did indeed force Dan to try on every single shirt, but it wasn’t even reduced to one shop. Instead, they were dragged around the whole high street, and in every single place they went Tyler seemed to know at least three of the people who worked there.

Phil spent most of his time loitering between shelves of clothes he didn’t even dare look at the price tag for, watching as Tyler and Dan bickered over which thing looked best. Dan was holding some form of black shirt that had an uncountable number of zips in places where there should not be zips, and Tyler was attempting to talk him out of it.

For once, Phil sided with Tyler. The thing looked absolutely ridiculous.

“You’re awful,” Dan told Phil, pouting. “This is the worst kind of betrayal.”

“I’m just telling the truth!” Phil defended himself. “It looks like a hamster designed the pockets.”

“Hamsters could have good taste, you don’t know.” Dan clutched the shirt closer to him when Tyler attempted to take it, glaring.

Tyler sighed heavily, but relented, grabbing another shirt from the pile and shooing Dan away with both of them. “At least try this on too, but go, see for yourself the ridiculousness of your own decisions.”

Dan made a face, but disappeared readily enough back behind the changing room curtain.

Phil shifted a bit uncomfortably on his feet. He hadn’t been left alone with Tyler much yet, and he wasn’t proud enough to admit that he still found Tyler slightly intimidating. Tyler was just so  _ exuberant _ about everything, and Phil was very much not part of Tyler’s world. With Dan around, things were easier, but alone, Phil felt a little like a ship sailing on its own on a giant, unknown sea.

Tyler, however, seemed completely oblivious of any tension. Instead he thumbed through the rest of the items on the rack, humming under his breath, and every once in a while giving Phil a considering look.

Phil tried not to look like a rabbit in the headlights.

“Good eyes,” Tyler informed him after a minute.

Phil jumped. “Excuse me?”

“You’ve got good eyes.” Tyler didn’t look up from the shirt he was considering. “Don’t match Dan’s at all, of course, but I can theme an outfit around them.”

Phil swallowed. “I, uh – I don’t think anything here would really fit me.”

“Nonsense,” Tyler answered breezily, giving Phil another considering look before continuing to look through various items on a shelf in front of him. “You’ve just got to know what you’re looking for.”

Phil did little more than helplessly nod. If there was ever a fish out of water, Phil was currently that fish.

Much to Phil’s surprise, Tyler stopped looking through the clothes racks to instead turn and level Phil with a serious look. “How are you feeling about all this?”

Phil blinked at him. “Uh – all what, exactly?”

Tyler smiled, the expression slightly pitying. “All of  _ this _ .” He waved an airy hand around the (very fancy) store they were in. “Dan’s world. Our world. A life of fame and vanity.”

Phil swallowed. Put like that, it didn’t sound very appealing at all – in fact, exactly the opposite of anything Phil would ever have thought he’d want.

But for Dan –  _ with  _ Dan – this world didn’t seem very frightening at all.

“It’s a little out of my comfort zone,” Phil answered, deciding to be honest. Tyler was important to Dan, after all. “I’m not used to it. I don’t think I’ll ever quite fit in.”

“Give it a few months,” Tyler replied wisely, giving Phil a look full of scrutiny. “I’m not so sure. Dan seems to like you, and although his taste in fashion is awful, his taste in people is usually better.”

Phil smiled without realising.

“Plus,” Tyler continued breezily, “You look good together. And the Twitter thing – it really helps that you’re active on that. Good decision.”

“It was never really a  _ decision _ ,” Phil answered weakly, thinking back to the first time he’d engaged with Dan online, the slight terror at all those people watching that still occasionally twisted his innards upside-down. “I just – it seemed like a good way to get his attention.”

Phil had never admitted that out loud before. He was surprised to realise he wasn’t embarrassed.

Tyler grinned. “It helped a bunch. Public flirting like that, people love it – perfect set-up for the premiere. All Dan really has to do is confirm it, no one will be surprised at this point.”

Phil carefully kept his face impassive. He didn’t really agree. He knew plenty of people who would be surprised – not least of all, his mum. He still hadn’t quite worked up the guts to tell her, though she’d called him three times since he and Dan had decided to go public. The words just… never fit into the conversation.

He had no idea how to vocalise any of his life to her now.

“You don’t have to be so afraid,” Tyler continued, mistaking Phil’s look of consternation for one of nervous fear. “Premieres are all focused on the outfits and the film, not the gossip of the actors so much. You’ll be a sideline at most – you and Dan. And like I said, most people won’t even be surprised. You haven’t exactly done a great job of being subtle.”

Phil nodded, trying to look like he meant it.

Thankfully, he was saved from having to look any more positive about things because of the reappearance of Dan, holding both his own choice of shirt and Tyler’s out with a deep furrow in his brow. “Ok, so you were both right about the black one, but Tyler – I can’t wear this thing, it’s got  _ ruffles _ .”

“Trust me, Howell,” Tyler tutted, taking both from Dan and holding up the dark blue ruffly one again. “It’ll be good.”

“I’m not wearing  _ ruffles _ ,” Dan muttered, and he looked so much like a toddler about to throw a tantrum that Phil snorted. Dan glanced over at him, arching a brow. “What?”

“Nothing.” Phil was still grinning, all nerves completely settled back in the presence of Dan. “Come here.”

Dan went to his side easily enough, still pouting, so Phil just wrapped one arm around his waist and tugged him close. Dan smiled, but still turned his head to do a quick, darting check that no one was watching before he leaned his weight into Phil’s side.

Silently, Phil knew that he wouldn’t miss times of having to watch their every move.

Tyler was still holding the blue ruffly shirt, but at a glare from Dan that threatened much more than just a tantrum if he was going to insist on it, Tyler threw his hands up in the air and admitted defeat, wandering off to have another look at the aisles.

Phil released a tiny sigh. They’d been here for  _ hours _ , and clothes shopping really wasn’t his thing.

Dan seemed to notice, as he leaned back against Phil and murmured, “Tired?”

“Not really.” Phil shrugged, nestled his head against Dan’s. “Just normally do this kind of thing on the internet, from my bed. You know?”

“Believe me, I know.” Dan’s tone turned dark. “I hate when Tyler drags me out to these things.”

“So you just inflicted it on me, too?” Phil grumbled.

Dan grinned at him. “What’s mine is yours, and all.”

Phil rolled his eyes, but he’d be lying if he said that comment didn’t warm him just a little. Here he stood, in public, with Dan Howell nestled against him, perfect and warm and accepting of everything. He even grumbled with Phil about being outside, about having to be here and do this when they both knew it was for their own good in the end. What did Phil know about what to wear to a film premiere, after all?

Tyler came back shortly, two items on his arm, and his grin was positively wicked. “I’ve got the perfect thing for both of you.”

Phil glanced at what he was holding and paled considerably.

Dan, however, actually made a noise of interest. He disentangled himself from Phil (with a final squeeze to his hand) and then made his way over to Tyler, fingering the clothing. “Hmm.”

“You bet, Howell.” Tyler was practically glowing as he lifted the two sparkly blazers, one dark gold, one bright silver. “Matching and perfect for both of you. The perfect couple.”

Phil blanched, but Dan made another interested noise. “I want the silver.”

“Dan,” Phil complained weakly. “Really?”

Dan span to face him, a small grin tugging at his lips, his dimple just appearing. “Come on. We can be sparkly together.”

Phil made a face at him. “They’re just a bit… ostentatious. Aren’t they?”

“That’s the point,” Tyler enthused. “You’re making a statement.”

“A  _ sparkly _ statement,” Dan added with a grin.

Phil looked between them, from one excited face to the other, and then back at the jackets. The silver was definitely the brightest, Dan could have that, but the gold… it was a dull gold, bold but tasteful, and it looked subtle next to the silver, present but quiet. Just like him next to Dan.

Phil walked over and ran two fingers along the cloth. Soft; inviting.

“Try it on,” Tyler urged. “Then tell me you hate it.”

Phil looked at him, then back to Dan, then down at the jacket. He let out another little sigh. “Alright. I’ll try it on.”

\---

The silver and gold jackets were a go, it was decided. Dan loved his the instant he put it on, and Phil felt comfortable enough in the gold blazer to accept it. He’d been to formal occasions before, after all, he knew he always felt a little out of place in fancy clothes. His mum said he’d grow out of it. Phil never had.

He had the flat to himself, which was a strange feeling. Tyler was out at a job, and Dan was out at a meeting with his agent. Phil planned to use the rare time alone to call his mum, to tell her where he was and who with and everything. So far, all she knew was that he’d gone down to London with that actor he’d been friends with. Phil needed to explain everything before the premiere, and that was happening in exactly a week.

He was running rapidly out of time.

Still, it was hard to actually pick up the phone. Phil was currently sitting with it in his lap, staring blankly at the tv screen in the giant living room which was paused on an episode of Game of Thrones that Dan had randomly decided they needed to rewatch, and then promptly left halfway through. Typical behaviour really.

Phil caught himself smiling fondly in the darkness of the screen, and quickly fumbled for his phone again. The sooner his mum knew, the better. And telling her wasn’t going to be  _ bad _ , was it, after all, the thing he had with Dan wasn’t  _ bad _ . She knew Phil. She knew he’d never had feelings like this for anyone before, despite her gentle pushing every now and then. She’d know, wouldn’t she? And she’d be happy for him?

Phil had always been close to his mum. He just felt like that could be about to change.

Either way, it was much better she heard it from him rather than through the news. So Phil took a deep breath, picked up his phone for the third time, and determinedly pressed ‘call’.

She picked up on the fourth ring. “ _ Hello child, I’m out right now—” _

“I’m with Dan Howell.” Phil said the words faster than he’d meant to, all in a rush, because he was sure if he didn’t then he’d never say them at all.

There was a startled silence. Then—“ _ Phil, dear, I’m at the shops, give me five minutes…” _

“Ok.” Phil sat there, heart in his mouth, and listened to the distant rustling on the other end of the line.

It felt like days before his mum’s voice came back. “ _ Alright, what was that you said?” _

“I’m with Dan Howell,” Phil answered, and then, guiltily, “Uh – did you finish your shopping?”

_ “No, but I’ve come and sat in a toilet cubicle while we chat _ .” His mum sounded soft and warm, the same as ever. “ _ Dan Howell the actor?” _

“Yeah.” Phil frowned. “You didn’t bring your trolley into the loo, did you?”

“ _ Of course not, it’s in the aisle _ .  _ With him how exactly? _ ”

“I thought dad told you not to abandon it anymore.” Phil swallowed. “Uh. With him… in London. And. Um. Another way, too.”

“ _ Your father hasn’t had a say in my shopping habits for years, _ ” she pointed out with a low chuckle. “ _ With this actor, hm? What’s he like?” _

“He’s great.” Phil folded his arms, curled his legs in tight to his chest, air feeling tight in his lungs. “Out at the minute, but. I’m in his flat. I’m going with him to a premiere next week.”

“ _ Well, that sounds fancy, _ ” she answered. “ _ Have you got something to wear? _ ”

Phil swallowed, his heart in his mouth. “Yeah, his friend helped us – he’s sort of a stylist – but, mum, I’m  _ with him _ . You need to understand, it’s going to be everywhere soon and I have to tell you first, because I didn’t want you to see it somewhere else—” he was close to hyperventilating, he could hear it. Sharp, harsh breaths high in his throat.

His mum shushed him gently down the phone. “ _ Phil, honey, you aren’t making sense. What are you trying to tell me?” _

Phil took in a deep breath, hating that it still sounded high-pitched and weak. But this was exactly what he was most terrified of, and now it was right here, happening right now, he was on the brink of taking this step and then he’d never be able to take it back.

An image of Dan floated into his head. Dan, smiling, happy, dimpling. His.

“I’m with Dan Howell,” Phil said as bravely as he could. “With him as in, in a relationship with him. We’re together. I love him. I’m pretty sure, anyway.”

There was a short silence.

“ _ Oh, is he the one? _ ” His mum said finally, sounding a little surprised, but not – not horrified, at least. “ _ I did wonder _ .”

“Mum,” Phil shook his head. “Wonder what? Mum?”

_ “You haven’t said much about your life lately, darling, not real details anyway. I wondered what you’d been hiding, or who. So it’s this Dan, is it? I did wonder, after that article the other month.” _

Phil bit his lip, but there was an odd, tight sort of relief pushing at his shoulders. His mum knew a lot more than he gave her credit for. “Yeah. The articles are kind of the problem.”

“ _ And you said something about a premiere?”  _ His mum made a proud noise. “ _ So it’s serious, then?” _

“Yeah, I think so.” Phil swallowed, wondered how much to say in one go. That he was even considering moving for Dan, away from her, away from his family. His previous life. Everything and everyone he knew, for something new, and terrifying, but also insanely exciting.

“ _ How are you feeling about that, darling?” _ His mum’s voice was the same as ever, soft and caring, home. What had Phil even been worried about? Why had starting this conversation been so hard?

He drew in a breath. “I’m nervous. Scared. But it’s the right thing, mum, and Dan – Dan’s right for me. This is good.”

_ “So you’re happy?” _

“The happiest.”

“ _ Then that’s wonderful,”  _ his mum soothed, “ _ And everything will happen for the best. You just hold his hand out there in public and show the world how happy you are. That’s all I want for you, sweetheart.” _

Phil was biting his lip, hard. “Thanks, mum.”

“ _ Anytime, darling. Anytime.” _

\---

After he’d hung up with his mum, Phil curled up on the sofa staring blankly at some more Game of Thrones until the door blew open again. Dan came back into the flat with abandon, waving his phone in the air. “Tweeted a photo of our jackets for the premiere. Twitter’s already going crazy. And my agent’s setting up an audition for me, a stage show which sounds really exciting – why are you staring at Kit Harington’s face? Is one famous actor not enough for you?”

Phil blinked, drawing himself out of his thoughts and turning to find Dan standing over the sofa, pouting at him. “Hm?”

“Oh, nothing,” Dan flopped down on the sofa next to him, “Just wondering when you’re going to replace me.”

Phil shoved his side, then grabbed his hand. “You’re ridiculous. Come here.”

Dan nestled up against him, laying his head against Phil’s shoulder. Phil wrapped an arm around him and drew him in closer, pressing his face against Dan’s hair. It was straightened today, made neat for the people outside to see him. Phil much preferred it curly and messy, the Dan he knew, not Daniel Howell the actor.

He loved both parts of Dan’s life, but he was still scared of the public side. He’d adjust, he supposed, but it was just – scary.

“I told my mum,” Phil murmured into Dan’s hair, keeping him pressed close. “About us.”

Dan stilled in his arms. Then he turned his face up, met Phil’s gaze with questioning eyes. “You did?”

Phil nodded abruptly. He bit his lip. “She’s happy for me. For us. She’s going to watch the premiere with my dad and brother and his girlfriend, I think.”

Dan studied him, and then slowly smiled, just the hint of a dimple appearing. “And how do you feel about that?”

“Good,” Phil said after a moment, and pulled Dan into him. “I feel good.”

“Well,” Dan was properly smiling now as he clambered determinedly into Phil’s lap. “That’s good. I feel pretty good too.”

Phil held him, and glanced up, and hoped that every reaction would be as good as mum’s. But there was still the quiet voice in his head that said this wasn’t right – that his relationship with Dan somehow wouldn’t stand the test of prying eyes. After all, Dan might be bi, but Phil – Phil wasn’t. Phil was something else. And he didn’t quite know how to handle that when it came to something like this.

“What’s up, though?” Dan asked after a moment, in a moment of incredible telepathy. His fingers skimmed Phil’s arm, rubbing up and down in a soothing rhythm. “Something’s up. You’ve gone all quiet.”

Phil huffed, hiding a smile in Dan’s hair. “What’s wrong with being quiet?”

“Nothing, unless I can tell you’re hiding something,” Dan clarified, settling in Phil’s lap, still gently rubbing his arm. “What is it?”

Phil held his silence for a moment, and then let out a sigh. “I just – this is all a lot, you know?”

“I know,” Dan murmured gently. “Is it too much? We can stop anytime, you know – if you’re uncomfy—”

“No, that’s not it,” Phil disagreed with a quick shake of his head. “No, wow Dan, I just – I can’t wait to be able to hold your hand in public and not be constantly checking for cameras or any of your strange stalkerish fans to be following us.”

Dan stifled a smile. “Same, honestly.”

“Exactly. It’s just—” Phil paused, thinking his words over carefully before continuing. He didn’t really know what the source of the unsettling feeling growing in his stomach was, jangling around like nerves, twisting up his innards. Telling his mum had gone well. There’d been no questions at all. And that just – it threw Phil, a little.

Partly because he didn’t think he’d really said anything, yet. Not about him. People were just… assuming, and Phil worried they were assuming the wrong things.

He had no idea how to verbalise any of this.

But Dan was still looking up at him with something close to worry hidden in his gaze, and Phil didn’t want to leave that there. He wanted to wipe that look away, replace it with Dan’s smile.

“I suppose,” he started softly, “That my mum, and Tyler, and everyone – everyone we tell at the Premiere, everyone on Twitter – they’re all going to assume something about us that… isn’t true?”

Dan tilted his head questioningly. “Like what?”

“Well,” Phil floundered a bit, “They’re going to think that, like – we’re in a relationship? Which obviously we are, but – not in the way everyone thinks?”

Dan tilted his head. “I’m guessing you mean some of the more… physical stuff. Because of, like, you being ace.”

Phil bit his lip. It still shocked him, occasionally, to hear that word spoken out loud when it had lived alone in his head for so long. But he nodded. “Yeah. And I know it doesn’t matter really – I’m just glad to have you, and  _ you _ understand and that’s all that matters, but—”

“But it’s still annoying to not be able to talk about it,” Dan said softly.

Phil nodded again, morose. “I don’t know  _ why _ , exactly, even. I just… feel like everyone is assuming something about me, and it doesn’t always sit quite right.”

“I get it,” Dan said after a moment, still gently rubbing his hand up and down Phil’s arm. It was a soothing touch.

Phil leaned into him. “I shouldn’t care, I know. It shouldn’t be a big deal.”

“No, it should,” Dan disagreed. “It’s important. I get it – and I’m scared of that too, Phil, honestly.”

Phil sent him a quizzical look.

“Not in exactly the same way,” Dan said with a small, wry smile. “But – I’ve had relationships with girls before, you know. Publicly.”

“I know,” Phil replied, a little more darkly than he felt. He remembered all too well his deep google searches about Dan’s past with actresses.

Dan grinned. “Jealous. But yeah – people will know about them. I’m scared telling them about you will make people say I was lying before, somehow, or – or like those people were just shields, or whatever you want to say. But they weren’t. I loved those girls – I did. At the time.”

Phil bit his lip, drew in a breath. Hearing about Dan’s past relationships wasn’t really making him feel better. His fingers slid down to find Dan’s, gripping his hand hard.

Dan chuckled, leaning in. “Nothing to what I feel for you. Not even close, Phil.”

Phil looked down, embarrassed he’d needed that reassurance, but feeling better for it regardless.

Dan squeezed his fingers. “It’s just – if people see me with you, they’re going to assume I’m gay, that I’ve always been gay, that I’ve just been hiding it. But that isn’t true. I’m not gay.”

“Nor am I,” Phil agreed.

“I know.” Dan nestled in close, and then snorted. “We’re both coming out and everyone’s going to say we’re gay when that’s exactly what neither of us is.”

“Ironic,” Phil agreed, smiling despite himself. He held Dan close, hid his face in Dan’s hair, breathed him in. That was all he really cared about. Having Dan close.

Dan leaned into him, squished somehow in his lap despite the fact that Dan really was taller than him, and probably far too big for this. But Phil didn’t care. He liked holding Dan, having Dan lean into him.

“It doesn’t really matter, though,” Dan added, squeezing Phil’s hand again. “We know what we’re like. We can correct the people close to us when they get it wrong, and – and at the end of the day, it isn’t their business. We are us. That’s all that should really matter, and that’s all we’re showing next week. That we’re just… us.”

Phil glanced down at him, struck silent by those words. Dan had just said it perfectly.

Being them, Phil could do.

“Yeah,” Phil agreed, and squeezed Dan tight, pressed a kiss to the top of his head “Yes. Let’s just be us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come bug me on tumblr, my URL is ineverhadmyinternetphase ^_^


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say, before we get going with the chapter, thank you so much for 3000 kudos! That is crazy!! I never expected an ace fic to get this much love. Thank you to everyone who has read so far (and sorry for making you wait so long for this update) but I come bearing good news! I have now finished this fic!
> 
> The last chapter will go up on Wednesday, and the epilogue on Friday, and then this fic will be done ^_^ thank you for your patience with me!
> 
> Massive thanks to @agingphangirl for helping me out with this chapter, and of course to my lovely beta Meg who's going to look this over for me ^_^

The week leading up to the premiere was nothing short of hell for Phil.

He started the week by having to head back up to Manchester, leaving Dan behind in London again, and Phil was really, really starting to hate having to say goodbye. Train stations were becoming an all too familiar surrounding, standing there in public staring at Dan longingly, unable to reach out and take him into his arms, having to make do with whispered goodbyes and promises to be back soon.

It was the last time, though, Phil reminded himself. The last time he’d have to make sure not to be publicly affectionate with Dan.

That was such a strange thought. Phil was still blown away sometimes that he even  _ wanted _ this – for the first time in his life, he wanted to be with someone. The prospect of an actual relationship still terrified him when it reared up in its pure form, but then he just had to remember that it was only Dan, and everything felt ok again.

He would always want to be with Dan, he suspected. Everything was just easier to cope with when Dan was in the same room as him.

When Phil got back to Manchester, it was to an untidy flat that he’d left in a stress-muddled mess, notes for his PhD thrown about everywhere, and no food in his cupboards. Phil cursed his past self who hadn’t bothered to have any foresight past going back down to London and seeing Dan again, which had, of course, been his priority at the time.

It was a good priority, but now Phil was left in a mess again.

There wasn’t even any real point trying to tidy up – his viva was in four days’ time, that didn’t give him long to look over the rest of his notes and frantically try and prepare. This was the last time he’d ever need to work on something for his PhD, or education in general if he was able to get some work. In London, perhaps, if his tentative plans for the future somehow magically played out.

Phil bit his lip, recalling the rather strange conversation he’d had with Dan in relation to his possible idea of moving to London. It hadn’t gone anywhere near as well as Phil had hoped. Dan had been about to tell him something, Phil was sure, right before Tyler walked in, but – well, Phil had no idea what that might have been.

Some reason he had for not wanting Phil to move to London?

No, Phil tried to quench that doubt the minute it arose. Dan had made it clear enough he wanted Phil around him, and had told Phil more than once to quiet his insecurities surrounding that. Plus, Dan was actually planning to publicly announce Phil as his partner at the premiere in a week’s time – it was difficult to imagine anything  _ more _ permanent.

Phil smiled at that image, pausing just before ordering takeaway for the night. He was caught somewhere between excited and terrified at thoughts of the premiere. On the one hand, he struggled through any kind of public event at the best of times, and this would be something quite different – a lot more spectacular than he was used to. Phil was really not the kind of person to attend premieres. He’d never in his life imagined he’d get there – although he’d always had an interest in the film industry, it was definitely from behind the scenes.

The idea of going to such a glitzy event on the arm of Daniel Howell himself sounded like it had to be happening to someone else.

But on the other hand, Phil knew Dan now – he knew what a lazy sod he could be, how Dan didn’t much like public affairs any more than Phil did, how they’d be leaning on each other to get through it. Plus, he would quite like to meet back up with Xander and Louise and the other people from the film set, the place he’d first met Dan, back when half of Manchester was clogged with the road closure.

Phil remembered how annoyed he’d been initially upon hearing the news of the set in his city, and grinned. That had changed rather drastically. And now, here he was, almost to the end of his PhD with the tantalising possibility of a shining future with Dan stretching out before him.

\---

Two days before his viva, Phil met up with PJ for lunch. He hadn’t seen PJ in far too long, and he needed a distraction to quiet some of his greater nerves that were building more and more the closer it got to his final assessment. Plus, he really wanted to tell PJ about his and Dan’s plans for the premiere before they happened. The last thing Phil wanted was for PJ to read about him in a paper before Phil got the chance to talk to him.

PJ, it turned out, was busy himself packing up ready for moving to London. In all the excitement of his own life, Phil had almost forgotten about PJ getting his job down with the film company that Xander worked for, and so of course he was relocating.

Phil hoped to be joining him, if all went well. But he wasn’t sure how much to say for now. Everything felt so tentative still.

On the other hand, PJ was his best friend; they’d been close since their first term of uni. If there was anyone Phil could trust to confide in completely, it was PJ.

“So how’s packing going?” Phil asked, sipping at his coffee.

PJ swallowed his bite of sandwich and ran one hand through his curly hair. “Don’t even ask, seriously. I forgot how much  _ stuff _ I have. And do you have any idea how expensive it is to hire removal vans to  _ London _ ?”

“I can imagine,” Phil agreed with a pained smile. “But you’ve got a place down there?”

“Yeah, not a great one but it’ll do.” PJ sent Phil a sly smirk. “Nothing like the place you’ve been crashing with Mr Daniel Howell, I suspect.”

Phil, much to his horror, felt warmth spreading up the back of his neck. “Hey. It wasn’t  _ that _ flashy.”

That was a lie. Dan’s flat was pretty fancy, with his wage packet and Tyler’s combined they managed a pretty nice spacious place in the centre of London.

“Yes, well, mine’s barely bigger than a room and I’m lucky to have it,” PJ grumbled. “I hope you’ll come to visit me as well as that actor of yours, though, Phil.”

“Definitely,” Phil promised. “It’ll be weird without you here. Who am I going to drag out for lunch when I’m panicking next time?”

PJ fixed him with a soft, knowing look.

Phil shrank a little under that gaze.

“It isn’t just me in your life now, though, is it?” PJ asked smugly. “I called it, you know. When I saw how you were looking at him.”

Phil could feel the tips of his ears going red, heat still creeping up the back of his neck. “Was I that obvious?”

“Slightly.” PJ grinned at him. “I thought I must be seeing things at first though. Never seen you like that before.”

Phil half-smiled back. PJ knew him better than most – he was right, Phil hadn’t really acted like this before. Dan just… kind of came along and took over his world. Phil hadn’t been expecting that. If he looked objectively at the past few months of his life, he hardly even recognised himself.

But he felt good. Like he was moving forward. And he wanted to keep Dan around.

“About that, actually,” Phil began, his words getting thicker. “I, um. Maybe you won’t be the only one moving to London soon.”

PJ looked up, surprised, half-way through taking a bite of his sandwich.

“I’m thinking about it,” Phil admitted. “Maybe. Things with Dan, they’re – well, like you said, I haven’t really ever done this before. But they’re pretty great, if I’m honest.”

PJ grinned around his mouthful. “So you’re coming down too?”

“It’s something I’m thinking about,” Phil answered, nodding. “Quite seriously thinking about.”

PJ’s grin widened. He put down his sandwich and clapped Phil’s shoulder, harder perhaps than necessary. Phil’s shoulder ached. “That’s amazing! We’ll be a proper team, I’m glad, I need your help down South.”

“So you think it’s a good idea?” Phil asked a little shyly. “Me moving down too, I mean?”

PJ levelled him with a serious look. “I think that the fact you’re considering it is sign enough.”

Phil tilted his head. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, I know you, Phil.” PJ was still looking at him seriously. “You don’t like change, you don’t like moving. You stayed close to home for a reason. So the fact you’re thinking about up and moving across the country – well, Dan must be pretty special.”

Phil bit his lip. The way PJ phrased that had nerves spiking back through him again, as if hearing so starkly just how drastic his plans were made him reconsider exactly what he was doing.

PJ caught the look and sent him a questioning stare. “Are you worried about it?”

“Well, a little,” Phil admitted. “It’s a big move. It’s kind of scary.”

PJ nodded, but he was smiling again. “Which is why the fact you’re even considering it tells me it’s a good idea. You’re ready for something new, mate. Have you thought about what you’ll do?”

Phil nodded slowly, remembering the research he’d done into editing companies, the bookmarks sitting unopened on his laptop, the emails sent and not yet answered. He had options. He had a favourite company all ready to call up, the one he’d told Dan about what felt like ages ago now. It wouldn’t take much to send off an application. He was qualified, he knew – or he would be, once his viva was out of the way.

The knowledge that his viva was only two days away sent nerves clenching in Phil’s stomach all over again.

But PJ seemed happy for him – and that was important. One more step in the direction Phil thought he wanted his life to take now. Not much longer and he could potentially have everything he’d once dreamed of.

If everything went well. If Dan really did want him to move down to London. If he wasn’t hiding anything.

But he couldn’t be. Phil would know.

\---

“ _ So I told Tyler the hot water isn’t running right because my shower was freezing this morning, and he completely blew up at me! _ ” Dan’s tone was a familiar whine down the phone, keeping Phil company as he sorted through some of his extensive notes. Preparing for his viva had been driving him insane, so seeing the incoming call from Dan cheered him up no end.

He wondered if his heart would ever stop flipping over when he saw Dan’s name pop up on his phone screen.

“So what did he do to you?” Phil asked, amusement hiding behind his tone.

Dan huffed. “ _ He didn’t do anything. He just told me that I should probably call the landlord if I had a problem.” _

“I mean,” Phil said as blandly as he could, “You probably should.”

“ _ Yes, but what if I don’t want to _ ?”

“Not really a good enough excuse, is it,” Phil chuckled.

“ _ You’re laughing at me.” _

“Maybe a little.”

“ _ Rude.” _ Dan huffed. “ _ How was your lunch with PJ?” _

“Nice. Good, actually.” Phil straightened up, leaning back against his bookshelf. “I wanted to talk to you about that.”

“ _ Oh _ ?” Dan sounded interested.

“Yeah. PJ’s getting ready to move, you know.” Phil fiddled with a pen lying on his desk. “Got a place in London.”

“ _ It’s so good Xander liked him enough to hire him,”  _ Dan agreed.

“Yeah.” Phil glanced at his desk, where his laptop still sat open on the email he’d drafted, a reply to the company he’d already expressed an interest with. His CV was attached. His portfolio was ready. All he had to do was click send.

But first—

“So PJ liked the idea of me possibly moving down there too.” Phil got the words out quickly, like nails through his teeth, a pool of nerves still tugging at his stomach.

There was a brief moment of silence.

“ _ So it’s actually possible? _ ” Dan started talking quickly, his words running together like they always did when he got excited. “ _ You’re seriously thinking about it? And it wouldn’t be too far, your family – I always said I’m not going to take you away from them if you don’t want to, and your home’s up there, and—” _

“Dan,” Phil interrupted firmly. “Do you want me to be in London?”

The answer was immediate. “ _ Yes. Please.” _

The words, simple as they were, were enough to calm the unsettling flutter swirling around in Phil’s stomach. He took in a breath, leaned over, and hit  _ send _ on his computer. “Then I’m looking into making that happen.”

Dan drew in a sharp, excited breath. “ _ Really? Like, actually, in real life, really?” _

“Yes.” Phil bit back a grin. This was more the response he’d expected, more of what he wanted. Dan being excited, unafraid to show it (to Phil, at least) and full of eager ideas.

“ _ Fuck, yes, you could stay with me and Tyler. If he ever stops grouching about the hot water. Or, actually, better idea, he can grouch so much he leaves and then you can just move in with me.” _

“I don’t want to start this by kicking out your best friend,” Phil laughed, but he couldn’t deny the sharp little buzz starting to sing under his skin. The casual way Dan had said  _ move in with me _ . Like it wasn’t even a question. Like of course they’d end up together.

“ _ But the rest of it?”  _ Dan wheedled. “ _ How soon are we talking? Are you just going to stay here after the premiere?” _

“I don’t think it quite works like that,” Phil answered with a grin still fighting its way onto his face. “I mean, I still have to pack up my stuff and somehow get everything down to London. Never mind I’d quite like to wait until I have confirmation of somewhere to work, I only just applied.”

There was a hesitant silence.

“ _ You applied somewhere?”  _ Dan’s voice was still excited, but more cautious. Phil supposed he was nervous on Phil’s behalf. “ _ Where _ ?”

“The place I told you about before.” Phil leaned over, read off the name of the person he’d contacted. “I literally just sent them my info. Keep your fingers crossed for me.”

_ “I will _ .” Dan’s voice had gone a little funny, maybe the reception was bad. “ _ You’ll walk into it. With your reputation, how hard you’ve worked.” _

“I don’t have a reputation yet.” Phil gave a cynical laugh. “But I have lots of official-sounding letters after my name, so maybe that will help?”

“ _ I’m sure it will.”  _ Dan still sounded subdued. “ _ Tyler just got back, I’ll call you back later?” _

“Sure.” Phil glanced back over to his abandoned viva notes, knew he really needed to go through them properly again. “Good luck with the hot water.”

“ _ Thanks, I’ll need it, _ ” Dan answered dryly, and then hung up.

\---

In London, Dan stared at his phone for a couple more seconds before running in a panic into the kitchen, where he could hear Tyler unpacking some shopping.

Tyler took one look at his face and glared. “ _ No _ , Howell, I am not calling the landlord about anything ever again, not after you swore it would be your turn next time!”

“I’ll do it in a sec,” Dan waved him away, pointing dramatically at the phone in his hand. “We have a situation.”

Tyler looked from the phone, to Dan, and back to the phone again. “You can’t have broken that too, surely.”

“No, no.” Dan flapped his free hand. “ _ Phil _ .”

“The man you’re hopelessly in love with, yes,” Tyler agreed slowly, raising a brow. “What about him?”

“He’s coming to London.”

“Now?” Tyler looked surprised. “I mean, not that I’m complaining – I could do with more time to get his shirt fitting properly…”

“No, no, not  _ now _ ,” Dan spat, ignoring the tug in his chest that wished that were true. “Like,  _ forever _ . In the future.”

Tyler looked at him blankly. “…I’m not getting the panic here.”

“He emailed them!” Dan’s voice was getting shrieky. He made Tyler flinch. “The company! The one you made me tell about him!”

Tyler blinked, still staring. But then his eyes widened in understanding.

“Exactly!” Dan’s tone was still much more high-pitched than it should be. His breathing was quick, panic clouding his thoughts, and none of his years of actor training could teach him how to calm down.

Tyler raised a hand, palm out. “Hey, woah, woah. I didn’t make you do anything, Howell.”

“You were there!” Dan ran a distressed hand through his hair. “You could have stopped me! Fuck, I knew it was an awful idea, I  _ knew _ —”

“Wait,” Tyler said, eyes wide as he stared up at Dan. “Wait a minute, calm down. You said he emailed them, right? So does he know?”

Dan let out a panicked breath, fingers clenching in the hem of his baggy shirt. “I don’t know. He didn’t  _ say _ .”

“Maybe he knows and just doesn’t care, then?” Tyler squeaked hopefully.

Dan let out a sardonic laugh. They both knew Phil well enough to know that couldn’t be true – they both knew that Phil wouldn’t just accept Dan putting in a good word for him without complaint. Phil was too fucking pure, had too much integrity. He wanted to get in of his own volition, manage his own progress, be completely assured that everything he did was from his own hard work. And he was  _ good _ , he’d be able to go far.

But Dan had scuppered all of that for now, hadn’t he?

“Shit, I fucked up,” Dan half-whispered, his hand back in his hair and tugging,  _ hard _ . “ _ Shit _ . I shouldn’t have – I never should have done it.”

“You were acting in his best interests,” Tyler tried to placate him.

Dan levelled a glare his way. “ _ We _ were.”

“Yes, yes, ok,” Tyler admitted, paling considerably. “Fuck, don’t  _ tell _ him I had anything to do with this.”

Dan arched a brow. “Are you scared of him?”

“He’s way bigger than me!” Tyler bit his lip. “I don’t want to get punched.”

“Phil wouldn’t punch a beetle,” Dan disagreed, with wry experience. When Dan had found a bug in the bathroom once and promptly started screeching, Phil simply befriended it as he scooped it up and showed it to the door. “Besides, he’s going to be too concerned with yelling at me to do anything about you. And then never speaking to me again.  _ Fuck _ .”

“It won’t be that bad,” Tyler reassured, even though he didn’t look particularly sure about it himself.

Dan looked back at him, not answering. The silence was heavy, and Tyler didn’t look convinced either, but Dan chose to believe his words, at least for now.

“It won’t be that bad,” Dan murmured, turning back to his room, and hoped with every bone in his body that it would be true.

\---

The day of Phil’s viva, Phil was a shaking, trembling mess. But he got through it. Somehow, with a quick call to his mum beforehand where she told him to pull himself together, and a whole barrage of encouraging texts from Dan that blew up his phone to the point where Phil actually had to turn it off before he went in, Phil made it.

They tore his argument to shreds, of course, but (as much to Phil’s surprise as anyone else) his theory actually stood up to their inquisition. They liked it, he thought. At least, he left the room with a smile on his face, feeling more confident than he had in quite a long time.

And that was it. His education complete. All that was left was for him to receive his marks and then he’d be graduating.

Phil felt a strange, gaping sort of emptiness at that thought. The relief would come later, simmering deep in his bones, but it hadn’t quite sunk in yet. He was free. Endless time on his hands, freedom to do as he pleased.

The only thing still holding him to Manchester was his work at Lilith’s bookshop, and he hadn’t had the heart to tell her he’d be moving yet.

Never mind the fact that he didn’t actually know for sure if he  _ was _ moving. No word back from the editing company he’d emailed yet.

Phil didn’t have a huge amount of time to mope, though, not when the premiere he was attending with Dan was happening  _ this weekend _ . It left him with far too little time to pack, to clean up the mess that was his apartment after weeks of living among scattered notes and countless books, all preparing for his viva. Which was now done. He was  _ free _ .

He could feel it starting to sink in as he set about clearing up his things, carefully tidying away all his notes back into his filing system (Dan used to make fun of his folders, calling him an old man. The memory brought with it a wave of fondness and the urge to send Dan a bunch of texts, which Phil followed through on even though he knew Dan was currently in a meeting with his agent). It felt strange, in part, to be packing up the last four years of his life into folders, but Phil didn’t feel as empty as he thought he would.

He may just have been too busy freaking out about the premiere, of course.

He passed the rest of the week in a blur of packing and panicked calls to Dan, during which Dan attempted to soothe him, and one very bizarre occasion where  _ Tyler  _ called him, saying he’d stolen Phil’s number from Dan, to have a very serious discussion about the pairs of shoes Phil owned. Turned out there was a lot to think about when wearing an outfit to a  _ premiere _ .

The weekend rolled around too soon, and Phil felt horrendously unprepared, but he still got on the train and spent the entire journey on tenterhooks, eager to see Dan again.

Dan, of course, met him at the station, and greeted him with a quick but fervent hug before pulling back nervously.

“Hey,” Phil reminded him gently, leaning into his side. “Last time we’ll ever have to hide it, remember?”

“Yeah,” Dan agreed, and sent him the sunniest, widest smile Phil had seen in a while. Phil’s stomach tugged. “True. That bit, I’m excited for.”

“Only that bit?” Phil teased mildly, letting Dan take a bag from him as they walked side-by-side out of the station. “Not the part where you’ll get to show off in front of a crowd of screaming fans?”

Dan shuddered. “Don’t remind me.”

“You’re the one dragging me to this thing, I hold every right to remind you.”

“Ok, first of all, you agreed to join me in this hell,” Dan reminded him, elbowing Phil’s side. “And secondly, you’re the only thing that’s going to make this bearable, so please kindly shut the fuck up.”

Phil, despite himself, snorted. “So polite.”

“As much as you deserve.” Dan elbowed him again, then took hold of his arm to lead him out of the station and to a waiting car.

Phil stopped, looked at it (it had  _ blacked out windows)  _ and then sent Dan a questioning look.

“Sorry.” Dan grimaced a little. “With the premiere coming up and all, interest has spiked a bit. It’s safer to travel this way.”

“Oh.” The cluster of nerves gathered in Phil’s stomach set alight again. He took in a breath. “OK. That’s fine. Yeah.”

“You sound anything  _ but _ fine,” Dan chuckled, and then took his hand and led him gently forwards.

They put Phil’s bags in the boot and then climbed in the back, and the driver politely nodded to Dan before setting off. “Back to your flat?”

“Yes please, James,” Dan answered, and Phil held back a laugh at the uncomfortable look on Dan’s face. He knew enough of Dan now to believe that Dan disliked having a driver almost as much as Phil felt uncomfortable sitting on the fancy white leather seats.

The drive did give them an excuse to sit close and hold hands, though, which Phil wasn’t exactly complaining about.

When they got back, Tyler was in waiting for them and had cooked an extravagant meal. Phil was still a little scared of him, so clung close to Dan’s side from the moment they stepped in lest Tyler jump him with more questions about colours and styles and the way he wore his hair.

He couldn’t help but compliment Tyler on his cooking, though, after a few bites of the steak.

“It’s my dream to be a house husband one day,” Tyler sighed thoughtfully in response. “This is just practice for when I cook for my family every night.”

“You hardly ever cook for  _ me _ ,” Dan griped, leaning over Phil to get some water.

Tyler smiled at him sweetly. “That’s because, Howell, you’re an ungrateful lazy disaster of a human. You’re just lucky I like your boyfriend.”

Phil choked on his glass, but Dan just snickered.

“And you two had better keep it down tonight,” Tyler added seriously, sending both of them a sharp, knowing glance that instantly made Phil uncomfortable. “I know you must have missed each other, but  _ no funny business,  _ at least not loudly. I need my beauty sleep.”

“Oh, we won’t talk loudly past ten,” Phil assured him.

Tyler snorted. “ _ Adorable _ . That’s not what I meant, Phil.”

Phil blinked for a moment, confused, and then his eyes went wide.

Dan was sitting beside him and reached over instantly, a reassuring hand on Phil’s knee and a calm voice as he said, “Shut the fuck up, Tyler.”

“I mean, I won’t  _ blame _ you,” Tyler added, still tucking into his side salad. “A week’s a long time, you’ve missed each other, I get it, but I don’t need to hear any unnecessary noises, alright? No mental images that will scar me for life.”

Phil was politely choking through Tyler’s words. He cowered down in his seat so low he wanted to disappear, could feel the hot redness spreading across the back of his neck and to the tips of his ears.

He knew what Tyler was talking about. Or, at least, he  _ thought _ he knew.

“Um,” Phil managed to squeak, and Dan sent him a sharp look.

Phil looked back. “Should we tell him?”

Dan couldn’t keep the surprise from his face, even as he schooled his expression into a calm, blank one. “That’s up to you, Phil. It has to be your decision.”

Phil bit his lip.

Tyler looked between them, confused. “You know, I’m getting used to you two speaking in your own language, but if this is about me…”

“Sorry,” Phil said quickly, flicking Tyler a glance. He still felt like his face was on fire. “Um. There’s something – I should maybe tell you.”

Tyler quirked a brow at him.

Dan squeezed Phil’s knee, leaning into his side. “You sure? You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“No, I – I want to.” Phil sat up a little, squaring his shoulders. “It’s not even that big a deal, it’s just – Tyler, you don’t, like, ever have to worry about those, um… noises. Like you were talking about.”

Tyler’s brow rose even higher.

“I’m asexual,” Phil blurted out, the word releasing something wound up tight in his chest. He swallowed past the nervous lump in his throat. “Um, so. That’s. Like, that’s – not a thing that’s ever going to happen?”

It came out more like a question. Why did it have to come out like a question?

Tyler was staring at him with his mouth open.

Dan, of course, came to the rescue. He leaned into Phil’s side but kept his gaze flickering back to Tyler, even as Dan nonchalantly continued eating his steak. He spoke between bites. “So yeah, you get your peace and quiet. Doesn’t mean you get to just walk into my room whenever you want, though, that rule still applies.”

Tyler blinked, finally. He was still staring at Phil. “You’re  _ what _ , exactly?”

Phil floundered under that gaze. “Umm. Asexual. And sex-repulsed, for that matter, but like – mostly just asexual.”

Phil had done his research. He was more comfortable with his label now, and where he sat on it, but that didn’t really make saying it out loud any easier.

Tyler was still gawping at him.

“Close your mouth,” Dan told him, reaching for more salad.

Tyler promptly snapped his mouth shut, only to open it again a second later. “ _ Asexual _ ?”

The back of Phil’s neck was on fire. “Um. Yes.”

“Huh.” Tyler sat back, eyes still fixed on him. “Funny. I’ve never met one in real life before, I always just kind of assumed it was made up.”

Phil, despite himself, flinched. He didn’t know Tyler that well, true, but he hadn’t expected such avid  _ confusion _ in his tone.

He should have expected it, though. He wasn’t normal. He knew this. Tyler’s reaction was just further proving it.

Dan, however, was looking at Tyler through a sharp-eyed glare. “Well, it isn’t. And now you have. So.”

Phil shrank in his seat.

Tyler closed his mouth again, looking between them still, from Phil’s determined slouch staring down at the table to Dan’s sharp glare that didn’t leave Tyler’s face.

Wisely, Tyler decided to change the subject.

“Ok, well…” he trailed off, still looking at Phil with something like confusion in his eyes. “Ok. That’s fine, I guess. Um. Both your outfits are laid out for tomorrow, put them on early so I can get started on your hair and make-up, alright?”

At that, Phil’s gaze snapped back up to Tyler, eyes widening. “What was that, sorry?”

Dan elbowed his side lazily. “Don’t worry too much. Tyler’s insistent, but he’s good.”

“Exactly, and I can’t let you go walking down that red carpet without looking stunningly attractive. Everyone’s going to want to have you.” Tyler paused a second. “Or, well – um. However you want to look. Either way, you’ll be hanging off Dan’s arm all night, I’m going to make you look like the perfect couple you absolutely are.”

Nerves curled up like ashes rekindling in Phil’s stomach at that mental image. Him and Dan before all those cameras, all those people watching him, judging him, and he had no doubt that not all of them would look upon him and Dan favourably.

He didn’t voice these thoughts until much later, after dinner was cleared and Tyler settled on the sofa while Dan and Phil retreated back to Dan’s room, the door shut, them sprawled out across the bed.

“It’s a big thing you’re doing, after all,” Phil confessed quietly into Dan’s neck, Dan’s fingers soothingly stroking over his back. “No one is going to look at us the same. What if people react badly? Twitter’s already crazy enough, but this is like, the  _ actual _ newspapers and stuff. What if—”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” Dan interrupted smoothly, his fingers pressing into Phil’s spine, “Before you freak me out more than I already am.”

Phil looked up, brow wrinkling apologetically. “Sorry. I don’t mean to do that, I’m just…” he sighed, rolling further into Dan’s body, concentrating on his warmth.

“Scared?” Dan finished for him, voice so soft it was barely a murmur. “Because that makes two of us.”

Phil winced. He reached out, arms wrapping around Dan, and rolled them until they were both on their sides, facing each other. He used one finger to gently trace down Dan’s cheek, pressing once where his dimple usually sat, and then cupped his face with his palm. “It’ll be alright. We’ll do it together, and afterwards, it’ll still just be us. That’s what you told me, remember? We’ll just be us.”

Dan’s brown eyes looked back at him, full of insecurity, but his grip tightened around Phil’s fingers. “You promise?”

“I promise,” Phil answered easily, and pressed a small kiss to the corner of Dan’s mouth. “We’ll still be us, whatever happens tomorrow.”

Dan curled into him like a pretzel piece, long and gangly and he was definitely kneeing Phil in the stomach, but Phil dealt with it for the feeling of being able to wrap his arms tight around Dan and hold him close.

Phil clung to his own words as he closed his eyes. Dan would still be his come morning, come whatever happened after the premiere. Whatever people would think of him, some nobody hanging off  _ The Daniel Howell’s  _ arm. Dan would still be his, whatever people assumed. That would be enough to get him through tomorrow.

\---

Despite all his reassurances to himself, Phil woke the next morning with a tight ball of nerves coiled in his stomach.

He went through the motions of getting dressed with his throat closing up and nausea roiling beneath his skin, tingling. One glance at Dan told him Dan was in a similar state, except Dan was better at hiding it – his face smoothed out impassively, hard-to-read. It wasn’t for nothing that Dan was such a successful actor at such a young age.

Dan helped Phil into his dark gold jacket and then wrapped his arms around him, just hugging him for a moment. “It’ll be fine. We’ve got this.”

Dan’s voice was steady, which was a reassurance, but Phil was still jangling with nerves as he turned in Dan’s embrace to face him. “Have we? Honestly? Because I don’t feel like I have a clue.”

“Oh, same,” Dan said, and laughed. “I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing, but – but this will be so worth it, Phil.”

Phil bit his lip, took in a breath. “No more hiding.”

“No more hiding.” Dan leaned into him, his head resting on Phil’s shoulder. “I just want to hold your hand on the street, why is this so hard?”

Phil gave a low chuckle. He wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist and pulled him closer, pressing his face into Dan’s viciously straightened hair. “After today, it will be. Then you can hold my hand all you like.”

“I’m never going to let you go,” Dan answered determinedly. He still looked pale when he drew back, though, and Phil didn’t miss the taught thinness of his lips. Dan might be doing a good job of hiding it, but Phil could still see the nerves.

He leaned in and kissed Dan softly, eyes falling closed for just a moment. Dan melted against him in just the way Phil was growing used to, the way he missed most when he was alone in Manchester wrapped up in his bedsheets, and kissed back with a soft sort of desperation.

It was a long moment before Phil drew away, and then they turned to face the day together.

The hours passed all-too-fleetingly for Phil’s taste. He spent most of the day sat in a chair in the kitchen surrounded by products he had never heard of before (Tyler improvised the kitchen table into a make-up desk, complete with several mirrors that Phil tried to avoid looking into). Dan was by his side, grumbling at Tyler good-naturedly and every now and then prodding Phil with his foot when he wanted to get more attention, which Phil was happy to give even with the nerves that seemed to jump tighter and tighter with each passing minute.

All too soon, he was standing with Dan by the door with a car waiting downstairs, Tyler flitting about putting final touches to their looks.

Dan took both Phil’s hands in his in the last moment, turning Phil to face him. He looked beautiful like this, Phil admitted – Tyler had done a perfect, subtle job, and Dan was practically sparkling.

His eyes, though. His eyes were what drew Phil the most, dark and serious but lit with something that might just be excitement.

“You sure?” Dan asked, fingers tightening around Phil’s. “Now’s the time to back out.”

Phil swallowed. He stood up a little straighter, feeling awkward in his suit and with his face caked for the first time, but – but here he was at Dan’s side. Dan’s date to a film premiere.

Phil certainly hadn’t imagined this outcome the first time he came across Dan in rainy Manchester, however many moons ago that was. It almost felt like a different life.

He looked Dan right in the eyes and said, “I’m ready.”

Tyler cooed, breaking the moment, and Phil almost glared at him, almost.

Dan, however, just rolled his eyes and pulled Phil in for a careful hug. Phil leaned into him, breathing in his familiar smell, settling his nerves for the final time.

Dan opened the door, and they stepped out together.

The car was waiting downstairs, sleek and black just like the one that had picked them up from the train station. Phil was glad of the tinted windows the closer they got to the centre of town. The crowds outside the car were  _ insane _ . Phil had been prepared, of course he had, he knew that going to something like this involved lots of people – he’d seen it on tv – but nothing had quite prepared him for the reality of it.

The reality of the cameras he could already see flashing outside the window, the rows and rows of people, and they weren’t even at the red carpet yet.

Dan, ever the attentive boyfriend that he was, slid his thumb across Phil’s fingers where their hands were joined in the back and leaned his head against Phil’s shoulder. “It’ll be quiet once we get into the actual cinema. It’s just the walking in that’s the nightmare.”

“The  _ red carpet, _ you mean.” Phil’s voice came out sounding far more strangled than he’d expected.

“Yeah. That.” Dan managed a chuckle, somehow. Phil wished he knew where Dan found his calm from. “I’ll do all the talking, though, promise.”

“So I’m just here to smile and look pretty?” Phil did his best to sound affronted. “Is that all you want me for, Howell?”

“Yeah, totally, you’re just here to make me look good.”

“You don’t need any help with that.”

“Shut up.” Dan nudged him with his shoulder. “I’ll be talking about you, anyway. The whole time. Finally get to not shut up about you.”

Phil couldn’t hold back a smile at that. He leaned into Dan, letting out a soft sigh. “Am I really worth all this, Dan?”

Dan wrapped a long arm around Phil’s shoulder and brought him close into his chest. “You’re worth all of this and way more, Phil, and you know it. I’d turn my whole life upside down for you. Well,” Dan let out a soft chuckle, shaking his head, “You kind of did that yourself, actually.”

Phil sent him a curious look, nestling happily under Dan’s arm. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, like,” Dan flicked his hair out of his eyes and leaned into him. “I never imagined doing this. Always figured I’d keep as much to myself as possible, stay firmly at a distance, that sort of thing. But then you showed up and made me want to change it – like, you made me want to publicly bicker with you on Twitter and post photos of us everywhere and I really wasn’t expecting that. Never mind all of this,” Dan waved a hand irritably at the cameras flashing outside as the car edged closer and closer, “You made me feel something I never expected to. Pride. Pride in you, and, because you seem to like me, pride in myself, too. That’s what I feel the most right now, even if I’m quietly dying inside. I’m proud of us.”

Phil bit his lip, hard. He swallowed.

Then he leaned in and kissed Dan swiftly, on the lips, even when Tyler had warned them against doing that for fear of smudging their make-up.

When he drew back, Dan looked the best kind of startled.

“I love you,” Phil said, hurriedly. “The most. You know that, right?”

Dan let out a quiet laugh, but he squeezed Phil’s hand tight. “Yeah. Me too, Phil, fuck – you have no idea.”

“I have some idea,” Phil disagreed quietly, and squared his shoulders as the car rolled to a final halt. “You ready for this?”

“As I’ll ever be.” Dan drew away from him, turning to face him. “Did you smudge me?”

“No,” Phil answered (well,  _ he  _ couldn’t see anything out of place, even if he wasn’t an expert).

“Then let’s go.” Dan squeezed his hand one more time, turned, and pushed the door open, helping Phil out after him.

The sound of the screaming crowd was instantly overwhelming, closely followed by the brightest flashes of light Phil had ever seen. He squinted instantly, shielding his eyes, legs trembling with the fear that crept incessantly through his veins.

For an instant, he was frozen.

Then Dan was there, gently taking his hand, and Phil failed at resisting the urge to lean into him.

“We’ve got this,” Dan murmured to him, squeezing his fingers, and Phil swallowed and found his feet.

He nodded once, looking into Dan’s serious gaze, and summoned up a smile which Dan briefly returned.

Together, they stepped into the lights, hand-in-hand.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are at the final chapter (there’ll be an epilogue on Friday, but the story’s true end is here). I can’t believe we’ve finally made it! Thank you so, so much to everyone who’s been following this story, I know some of you have been here literal years and I can’t thank you enough for your patience with me.
> 
> You’ll know this if you follow my tumblr, but I have severe ME which has seriously impacted my ability to read and write, which is why it’s taken me so long to finish this fic. But I did it! And in writing this I met so many incredible people and heard so many stories just like mine, from other ace people who relate to this work, and that means the most to me.
> 
> (Also, I once got a pretty awesome comment from some girl named charlottekath and that lead to me messaging her back and we got talking and long story short we’re partners now and moving in together in two weeks. xD We’re both ace and happily together, so I’m finishing this story with the certainty that ace people can be in happy relationships, when I started writing this whole thing to try and figure out if that was possible).
> 
> Warnings for some mentions of biphobia in this chapter, and thank you so much to agingphangirl for reading this over for me!
> 
> Enjoy the final chapter!

_ Film star Dan Howell makes history by coming out as bisexual _

_ Who is the man on Dan Howell’s arm? That’s the main question coming out of ‘Last Man Standing’s premiere _

_ ‘Last Man Standing’ receiving great reviews, but all talk is about Dan Howell _

_ Bi Dan? The internet is going crazy as #phan is confirmed _

Phil bit back a smile as he continued scrolling through Twitter, curled up snug under the covers with Dan wrapped almost bodily around him. Dan’s head was on Phil’s chest, Dan himself still asleep, but Phil had been awake a while now. Scrolling.

Sleep had been difficult in the aftermath of the Premiere. Phil had been running high on adrenaline, on the flashes from the cameras and the overflow of questions, and Dan himself being on his arm.

“He’s my date,” Dan had explained patiently to every single interviewer who caught them on the way into the Premiere. “We’re here together. We’re together.”

“So you’re gay?” One particularly rude interviewer had demanded, and Phil bristled, but Dan laid a hand on his arm and calmly answered, “No, bisexual is actually how I identify, if I had to put a label on it.”

The questions had been overwhelming after that.

Of course, some of the headlines were less kind as Phil continued scrolling on his phone. Things like  _ Gay celeb lied about previous girlfriends  _ and  _ Indecisive or just promiscuous? Dan Howell’s sexuality crisis _ . Those headlines made Phil’s insides twist, and he scrolled past them quickly, hoping that Dan would never see them. He was glad Dan was still peacefully sleeping on his chest, cheek smushed against the soft material of Phil’s sleep shirt.

Phil wished he remembered more of the actual film they’d been to see. Watching Dan’s face on a big screen had been a weird experience when Dan himself was sitting right next to him, but Phil had enjoyed every scene he remembered watching. Mostly, he’d been desperately trying to calm down the trembling in his hands, and alternating between staring at the screen and staring at the side of Dan’s face.

Dan caught him, sometimes, but just briefly smirked and leaned closer each time.

Phil sighed, clicking off his phone and tossing it onto the pillow beside him. He drew Dan closer, making Dan let out a disgruntled sound in his sleep, and gently threaded his fingers through Dan’s hair. The curls had returned overnight, sweat from the lights and crowds of people still lightly encrusted on Dan’s brow.

Phil looked at him, slowly, and thought.

Dan had done it. Had taken this enormous leap in public, and all because of Phil. Those bad headlines, the intense scrutiny into Dan’s private life, that was all because of Phil.

He couldn’t help but feel a little guilty.

Before he could fall too far down that rabbit hole, though, Dan stirred against him. Sleepy brown eyes blinked up at him and Dan’s face broke out into a wide smile.

Phil could do nothing but smile back.

“Hey.” Dan’s voice was croaky, and he cleared his throat before curling in closer to Phil, one hand coming up to clutch at the soft material of Phil’s shirt. “You’re awake early. Did I miss much?”

“Just me being bored and unable to shove you off me,” Phil answered blithely, and chuckled at Dan’s strangled choke. “Joking. I was actually just checking the internet, making sure you didn’t completely break it yesterday.”

“You mean  _ we _ didn’t completely break it,” Dan corrected, and stretched. “I’m dreading checking my Twitter.”

“Nah, you can’t wait,” Phil disagreed. He tightened his arms around Dan and drew him back closer, pressing his cheek into Dan’s soft curls.

“Can too,” Dan argued.

Phil just shook his head with a fond chuckle. “You enjoy breaking the internet, Dan, and the last person you need to hide that from is me.”

“Yeah, you, the person who breaks the internet right along with me.”

“You started it.”

“I think  _ you _ started it, actually,” Dan said thoughtfully. “Back with the photo war – you posted a picture of me first.”

“No, you did,” Phil argued. “That stupid one of me behind the camera.”

Dan pursed his lips. “That didn’t count, no one reacted to that because they didn’t know who you were yet.”

“So you’re saying I started it just because you happen to be famous?”

“Yes.” Dan frowned. “I think.”

“You’re ridiculous.” Phil shook his head, another chuckle buried in his throat. He nuzzled his face into Dan’s hair.

Dan swatted at him weakly. “You’ll tangle it, stop.”

Phil just nuzzled harder.

“ _ Stop _ .” Dan laughed, wriggling around until Phil was dislodged. Phil made a face at him, but Dan just made a weirder one back and said, “Seriously, though. Internet. Reactions?”

“Mostly good,” Phil answered, tone dropping a little.

Dan kept his face impassive. “Mostly?”

Phil bit his lip. He didn’t want to tell Dan about the less-good ones and have to see his face drop, didn’t want to be the bearer of any kind of bad news. But lying to Dan was even worse.

“Come on,” Dan prompted with a gentle nudge. “I can take it.”

“I saw a few bad articles,” Phil admitted finally.

Dan nodded once, his lips thinning. “How bad?”

“What you expected,” Phil hedged.

Dan gave a hollow chuckle. “That I’m a cheating lying bastard, then?”

Phil winced.

“Yeah, thought so.” Dan sighed, flopping back against Phil’s chest. “Fuck the lot of them. At least I don’t have to hide you anymore.”

Phil bit his lip. Something that he recognised as guilt swirled and tugged at his insides, tightening his throat and pressing heavily against his chest. Was he really worth it, to Dan? Was he really worth all this public scrutiny, when Phil knew Dan well enough by now to know that the fame wasn’t something Dan particularly enjoyed about his job?

“Hey,” Dan’s tone was soft and he tapped Phil on the nose. Phil startled, looked down to see Dan giving him a curious glance. “I was joking, being self-deprecating as ever, don’t look so worried.”

Phil swallowed around the tight lump in his throat. “Yeah. I just.”

“You just what?” Dan prompted after a few seconds of silence.

Phil let out a slow breath. Sometimes he still had to catch himself from hiding things from Dan, from hiding how he was feeling. He’d never been one to talk openly about some of this stuff, but Dan…

Dan usually made his fears feel better.

“I can’t help but feel a little guilty,” Phil said slowly, and flinched at the sudden look of shock on Dan’s face. “Not in a bad way! In, like – like I’m making you do this and maybe you wouldn’t have had to face all this if it wasn’t for me, kind of a way.”

There were a couple of minutes of silence as Dan processed this, the look of shock morphing into surprise into… exasperation?

Dan rolled his eyes. Hard.

“Phil. You idiot.” Dan chuckled, rolling on top of Phil and punching him in the shoulder.

Phil winced. “Ouch, Dan – careful, you’re a lot bigger than you realise—”

“Shut up, I’m squashing you to teach you a lesson.”

“ _ Dan _ —”

“You’re an  _ idiot _ .” Dan laughed, pressing one hand over Phil’s mouth. “In case you hadn’t realised, I’m  _ happy _ . A few bad reports in the press aren’t going to ruin this, ok?”

Phil looked at Dan, unconvinced.

“Besides,” Dan continued, “If it weren’t for you, I’d have just had to keep hiding. I’d never have been brave enough without you, but now – I don’t have to hide a massive part of who I am anymore. And that’s because of you. You shouldn’t feel guilty, you should feel  _ proud _ .”

Phil bit his lip beneath Dan’s hand.

Dan shook his head, a fond expression on his face. “If I move my hand, will you promise to stop being an idiot?”

Phil just rolled his eyes.

Dan grinned.

\---

When they emerged from Dan’s room, sleepy and still with messy hair, they found a veritable feast waiting for them at the kitchen table.

Tyler hovered worriedly by the counter, frilly apron on, elbow-deep in washing up. There were soap suds caught on his glasses.

“I’m sorry,” Tyler said before any kind of greeting had a chance to escape Phil’s lips. He was looking directly at Phil, too.

Phil blinked. He sent Dan a confused glance.

Dan just shrugged, then sat down and grabbed for some French toast.

Phil looked at the table, taking in the piles of pancakes (American style, Tyler hated British pancakes with a passion) and rows of toast and jam and scones and crumpets, and then looked back at Tyler.

“I’m sorry,” Tyler said again, emphatically.

“Um,” Phil said. “It’s – it’s ok? I mean… what?”

Dan snorted from the table. “My boyfriend, ever the most eloquent human.”

Phil cuffed the back of Dan’s head, and then pulled out the seat beside him.

Tyler pulled off his gloves and dried his hands on a tea towel, and then came and sat down opposite Phil and gave him a serious look.

Phil quailed a little.

“I’m saying sorry,” Tyler said, “Because I was a total asshole last time we spoke.”

Phil swallowed.

“I should never have reacted how I did,” Tyler continued, his tone firm and his gaze level as he met Phil’s eyes. “You – you trusted me enough to tell me about your sexuality, and I never should have doubted it or questioned you. I like to think I’m open-minded. Maybe I’m not quite as open-minded as I thought.”

Phil bit his lip. He could sense Dan sending him a look by his side, but he didn’t turn to meet his eyes. Instead, he just glanced down at the table for a moment before looking back up at Tyler.

Tyler looked – dare Phil say it? – a little worried.

“It’s ok,” Phil said finally. “Really, it is. I – I haven’t told many people, and, well, I expected a lot worse reactions than yours, to be honest.”

Tyler’s eyes widened. “You did?”

Phil nodded.

“But that shouldn’t be the case,” Dan cut in, and when Phil turned to him he saw Dan giving Tyler a hard look. “You shouldn’t have given him such a hard time.”

“I know,” Tyler replied, and gestured to the overflowing kitchen table. “This is an apology breakfast.”

“It really wasn’t necessary,” Phil replied before Dan could, laying a calming hand on Dan’s knee. “But thank you.”

“I think it was necessary,” Tyler replied, and settled down, grabbing a pancake. “It makes me feel better, knowing that you know I’m sorry.”

“Thanks,” Phil flashed Tyler a smile.

“Good.” Tyler smiled back. “Now eat a pancake. I didn’t go to all this trouble for nothing.”

\---

Later that day, before Phil’s train back to Manchester, Dan and he decided to check Twitter together.

They were curled up on the sofa, Tyler out at another job, Phil’s legs stretched out and Dan sprawled all over them. They both had their phones out, although Phil spent most of his time looking at Dan’s – it was much newer and easier to see than Phil’s old cracked model, after all.

“Alright.” Dan wriggled until he was comfortably lying on Phil’s chest, and then held out his phone between them. “Are we ready?”

“As we’ll ever be.” Phil ran a hand down Dan’s side, gripping the soft wool of his jumper between his fingers.

Dan twisted to send Phil a look. “You sure?”

“I’m positive,” Phil said, and pressed a swift kiss to Dan’s forehead. “Come on, I’m excited to see what your host of excitable fangirls are saying about us.”

Dan huffed, but he was smiling as he turned to his phone.

They both held their breath while the Twitter app opened.

It didn’t take long to search the tags and see some of the responses online to the articles published about the night before. In fact, when Dan even dared to go to the official tag for the premiere of their film, some of the top tweets were in relation to Dan and Phil rather than the film itself.

_ dantrash01:  _ OMG AM I DEAD OR IS #PHAN REALLY EXPOSED RN #LastManStandingPremiere

_ chocolatehowell:  _ Dan Howell really out here with the bi rep at #LastManStandingPremiere I’m so proud

_ howellslesterss:  _ they look so cute together I am crying and I demand the #phan selfie we all deserve #LastManStandingPremiere

Dan pressed a giggle into Phil’s shirt. “Seems like they’re happy, right?”

“So happy,” Phil nodded, looking at the number of keysmashes that made up a lot of the other tweets. He grinned when Dan chuckled again, pressing his face into Phil’s shirt.

“So I did good?”

“You did so good, Dan.”

Dan hummed, then wriggled around to send Phil a soft look. “I’m so glad I got to do this with you.”

“Sap.” Phil just wrapped an arm properly around Dan’s waist and drew him closer, though.

Dan laughed. “I mean it.”

“So do I.” Phil nuzzled into Dan’s hair and murmured, “But I’m also glad I got to do this with you. That you picked me out of everyone.”

“There was never any competition,” Dan replied immediately, and then grinned widely up at Phil. “Hey.”

“Hm?”

“We could totally fulfil one of the fan’s wishes.”

Phil arched a brow at Dan. “Should I be worried?”

“No, nothing weird,” Dan laughed. “Just the one who asked for a selfie.”

“Oh.” Phil grinned. “We’ve done that loads before.”

“Never as an actually out couple, though,” Dan pressed, and Phil bit his lip. That was technically true. Although Phil thought they’d been fairly obvious on Twitter, they’d never been completely open, always having to watch what they said and did.

It was slowly dawning on Phil that he’d never have to worry about that again.

Never have to worry about accidentally overstepping any boundaries, fear about what could happen to Dan’s career. It was already out there. The hardest step had already been taken.

“Ok,” Phil said, and grinned. “But hey. Do I get to kiss you in this selfie?”

Dan almost choked.

Phil’s grin widened. He liked that he was still able to take Dan by surprise, and watching his usually-composed face fall into complete surprise was always entertaining.

“Really?” Dan managed to get his expression back under control enough to send Phil an exasperated look. “We could do anything, and you wanna go as cliché as that?”

“Just your cheek,” Phil said, and leaned in close, pressing his lips to Dan’s cheek with his arms still wrapped tightly around Dan’s middle. “Like this. Get your camera.”

His words buzzed against the side of Dan’s face, and Dan laughed. “That tickles.”

“Yeah, and you need a shave. Camera?”

Dan snorted, but he still opened up the camera on his phone, flipping it quickly to front-facing. “Come on then, Mr Ridiculous.”

Phil ignored him. He looked at the image of the both of them on Dan’s screen, noted how close they looked, how open.

How happy.

He bit back a smile as he pressed his lips to Dan’s cheek, watched how Dan’s grin widened naturally as he took a few pictures.

“There we go,” Dan said, sounding the utmost of content. “Time to break Twitter again.”

\---

And break Twitter, they did.

Phil was enjoying scrolling through the replies as he sat on the train back up to Manchester. It made having to leave Dan again a little easier, when he was able to look at the selfie of the both of them and see the true happiness in their eyes. Most importantly, Dan looked  _ free _ . There was no worry on his face about keeping things in line for the camera. He just looked unhurried, and happy.

Dan had captioned the image  _ Time to ruin you all #phanisreal  _ and, predictably, the internet had exploded.

Still, it made Phil smile. Seeing hundreds of people happy because  _ he _ was happy was a good thought, and the idea that it made Dan happy too? That was more important than anything.

The dull ache in his chest from missing Dan was lightened a little at the thought.

Still, leaving Dan had been harder than ever this time. True, they were able to hold hands freely in public, but there had been a number of camera flashes on the way (Dan had ruefully explained to Phil that they’d probably only get photographed more in the days after the premiere, with the stir they’d caused. Phil was doing his best to be ready for it). He’d been able to kiss Dan goodbye instead of just tugging at his sleeve, and that had felt nice, but it still left him with a dull ache that he was going in the wrong direction.

Going away from Dan didn’t sit right with him at all.

He thought back to his decision on whether or not to move to London, and knew he’d done the right thing. He had to come down to London. He couldn’t take Dan away from his job, but no more could he keep travelling away from him. Long distance wasn’t something he wanted to do forever.

Heart aching but hopeful, he closed Twitter and tapped on his email app instead. He hadn’t checked while he’d been down in London, too caught up with the premiere and  _ Dan _ , but he wondered if there’d been a reply to his application to the editing company in London.

Sure enough, there it sat. A response. In his inbox.

Phil’s heart immediately started pounding.

_ Dear Phil Lester, _

_ Thank you for your enquiry into post-production positions in our company. We are taking applications for internships right now, and I’ve attached the form for you to fill out to this email. _

_ However, in checking our records I couldn’t help but notice your name already on our applicant list. Is it possible you’ve already sent in an application form and had it approved? No problem if so, just let us know so we can update our records. _

_ Best wishes, _

_ Janet Douglas _

Phil paused, frowning.

He read the email back over, slowly, making sure he hadn’t misunderstood. The editing company already had his name? That wasn’t possible. He knew for sure he hadn’t already sent in an application, he’d only just made the final decision to move down to London when he emailed them the first time. He’d never met the company representative on set in Manchester, either – he could well remember the disappointment when he’d realised he’d missed them.

It shouldn’t be possible for them to have his name.

Pausing, Phil wracked his brains, wondering if there was any possible other route for them to have his name. Maybe through PJ? He was working with the filming company now, after all, maybe somehow he’d talked about Phil and one of the editing people had remembered? That was odd, but it wasn’t completely impossible.

Puzzled, Phil swiped to his contacts and hit call on PJ’s name, then lifted the phone to his ear.

“ _ Yeah? _ ” PJ answered on the third ring.

“Hey, PJ—”

“ _ Phil!”  _ PJ sounded instantly ecstatic.  _ “How are you doing? Still recovering from breaking everything yesterday? I’ve seen your face way more than I’ve seen you recently, you’re all over the newspapers.” _

“Oh, yeah.” Phil laughed a little, forcing down the guilt he felt at not having seen PJ at all since PJ moved down to London. But hopefully soon that would change. “Yeah, that happened.”

_ “’That happened’, he says. Could have used some warning, mate.” _

“That’s why I made sure I told you about me and Dan before!” Phil whined. “I didn’t know what to say. I just – it was important that it went right.”

“ _ And did it?” _

“…Yeah.” Phil nodded to himself, lowering his voice a little when he got a glare from another passenger on his train. “Yeah, I’d say it did.”

_ “That’s all that really matters, then, isn’t it?” _

“Yeah, yeah.” Phil licked his lips nervously. “Um, Peej. There’s actually something else I wanted to check with you.”

_ “Oh?” _ PJ’s tone brightened with interest. “ _ Fire away, then.” _

“Did you give my name to the editing company?”

“ _ What _ ?” PJ sounded confused.

Phil swallowed. “The editing company. I emailed them about an application and they told me they already have my name?”

“ _ Really? That’s a little odd, isn’t it?” _

“That’s what I thought, too.”

“ _ Well, it wasn’t on my account,”  _ PJ assured him. “ _ Haven’t seen anyone from that company since they visited set in Manchester, we’re working with a different company on my current project.” _

“Oh.” Phil didn’t know why that answer made a tight ball of anxiety knot up his stomach. “Oh, right. Must be another explanation then.”

“ _ Must be, yeah.” _ PJ sounded just as confused as Phil felt. “ _ I’ll ask around, see if Xander knows anything?” _

“That’s be amazing, Peej.” Phil gave his head a shake and tried to ignore the tension slowly settling across his shoulders. “Anyway. New project? What’re you working on?”

This sent PJ into an excited spiel filled with talk of camera angles and different lenses and what the best way to shoot wide shots was, and Phil settled into the familiar conversation with a little more confidence. This was the kind of talk that had filled his undergrad days, the kind of stuff he loved enough to study at masters and then PhD level. He might be finished with his PhD now, result pending, but he knew he wanted to dedicate his life to film.

After hanging up with PJ, Phil leaned his head against the train window and watched the landscape flash past his eyes. The tight knot in his stomach had been slightly dissipated by PJ’s light voice, but he was still confused.

Travel sickness prevented it right now, but as soon as he was back in his flat in Manchester he was going to reply to that email and ask whether or not the editing company had made a mistake. There was no way they should have his name. It just didn’t add up.

Phil closed his eyes, and tried to sleep the journey away.

\---

Manchester was both wonderfully familiar and strangely distant at the same time.

Two days back alone in his flat, and Phil was already feeling like he wasn’t truly at home. His flat was the same as it had been the past three years of his PhD, littered with coffee mugs and bits of paper and piles upon piles upon  _ piles  _ of books, but some of the comfort had gone. Phil curled up in bed and felt lonely, walked the streets and his hand itched to be holding someone else’s, settled in on his sofa and automatically reached an arm out for someone to crawl under.

Dan. His flat was missing Dan,  _ he _ was missing Dan. Phil knew enough to recognise that.

Even nightly facetime calls and texting and sometimes more calls during the day didn’t fully stave off the loneliness. Phil faced every morning getting up alone and every night getting into bed alone, and he missed the warm body of Dan next to his.

“It’s stupid,” he told Dan on their nightly call two days after he’d returned to Manchester.

“ _ No it isn’t _ .” Dan’s voice sounded tinny over Phil’s phone speakers. “ _ Or if it is, I’m stupid too. My room feels wrong now you aren’t in it. _ ”

“Gross,” Phil complained through a fond smile.

Dan rolled his eyes back. “ _ Like you aren’t the real sap here, going on about how much you miss me _ .”

“I change my mind, you’re a brat and I don’t miss you at all.”

“ _ And I know you don’t mean any of that _ ,” Dan sing-songed, and then smiled so hard the corners of his eyes crinkled up.

Phil wanted to keep that moment forever.

“Brat,” he mumbled still, biting back another smile. “See if I ever move to London for you.”

At that, Dan perked up. He rolled over and the bedsheets rolled with him, causing a mess behind him. Phil rolled his eyes. “Don’t destroy the bed.”

“ _ Who cares, it doesn’t have you in it _ ,” Dan said petulantly. “ _ When are you coming back, anyway? Any news on your editing application?” _

“Oh yeah, that was weird,” Phil remembered.

Dan stilled on the other side of the phone.

“They replied to my email, really nice, said they’re accepting internship applications right now,” Phil said, smiling briefly. “But they already had my name in their records? I don’t know how that happened, I’ve emailed them because it must be a mistake.”

There was a beat of silence.

“ _ Right, yeah,” _ Dan said carefully. “ _ A mistake _ .”

“Yeah.” Phil glanced at his camera, curled up in his blankets with his phone propped up by his face. “It must be, right? There’s no way my name could have got to them from set, I checked with PJ.”

Dan went very quiet.

Phil frowned. Dan was still in the prime centre of his phone screen, so Phil could see every squirming motion that he made, every flicker of worry that passed across his features.

The knot in Phil’s stomach tightened.

“Dan?”

Dan swallowed. “ _ Ok. Ok, alright – so I may have, um. I did something, but I was gonna tell you! I swear I was, I’ve been meaning to for weeks, I—” _

Phil’s stomach switched from tightening to doing somersaults. He swallowed. “You did something?”

_ “Nothing bad, _ ” Dan said hastily, his face pressed close to the camera. “ _ Nothing bad, Phil, I swear, I just—” _

“What did you do?” Phil was struggling to speak past the lump in his throat.

Another beat of silence.

“ _ I… went to the editing office,”  _ Dan admitted, slowly. “ _ I told them I knew you’d be interested, and. Well, might have talked you up a bit and I think they fast-tracked you to the waiting list, so. You probably don’t need to do an application form.” _

Phil absorbed that for a moment.

“ _ So nothing bad?”  _ Dan’s voice was tentative even over the tinny speakers.

Phil let out a short laugh. He wasn’t really sure how to feel. The ball of anxiety in his chest was only growing tighter and his throat felt like closing up, but. Mostly he was just trying to process the meaning of what Dan said.

“You gave my name to the editing company,” Phil said after a minute of awkward silence.

Dan swallowed. His camera was shaking slightly – his fingers must be trembling. “ _ Yeah. Yeah, I did that.” _

Another beat of silence.

“Why?” Phil asked, letting out another short laugh. “Didn’t think I had any chance of getting in on my own, huh?”

“ _ No, no, nothing like that, I just—” _

“Just what, Dan?” Phil could hear a note of anger entering his voice. He tried to tape it down. “What exactly were you trying to do?”

Dan looked vulnerable, a flash of insecurity twisting his features before they smoothed out again. “ _ I was honestly just trying to help you, Phil. I know how much you love editing, and you seemed so excited about them on set – I was just—” _

“I didn’t need your help, Dan,” Phil interrupted, a frown creasing his brow. “I don’t need your help. I can apply on my own.”

_ “I know, I know that, I just thought—”  _ Dan bit his lip.

Phil almost glared at him. He reined in his expression to a mild stare. “Just thought what?”

Silence, for another beat or two.

“ _ I just thought it would help you be sure about coming here,”  _ Dan admitted quietly. “ _ That if I could show you’d have stability, then maybe moving to London – maybe that would become something you’d want to do.” _

Anger flared, white-hot, through Phil’s gut. “You were trying to bribe me to move in with you?”

_ “No!”  _ Dan looked horrified. “ _ No, of course not, Phil, don’t be stupid—” _

“So I’m stupid now, as well?”

_ “No!” _ Dan made a frustrated noise. “ _ That’s not what I mean. Look. I just helped you a bit, ok, they’re still only going to accept you if they like you.” _

“But that’s not the point!” Phil was doing his very best to keep his anger under control, but it itched under his skin, difficult to ignore. “I want to get in for  _ me, _ Dan, not because I’m the hang-on of some famous celebrity!”

Silence bit hard through the air.

“ _ Really _ .” Dan’s voice was flat. “ _ That’s really what you think of me? Some famous celebrity?” _

“I’m not wrong.” Phil curled up into a tighter ball. He suddenly felt very small.

Dan let out a cold laugh. “ _ Really? Nice to know you still think as low of me as you did when we first met.” _

“I don’t,” Phil griped. “I’m just – Dan—”

Dan shook his head. His expression was flat as he reached to his screen, finger obscuring the camera for a moment, and then the call ended.

Dan had hung up on him.

Phil lay still for a moment, frozen. Then he curled up into a tighter ball around his phone, staring at the screen for a moment as if it would bring Dan back.

Then he chucked his phone under his pillow and screamed into it for a moment.

When he was done, he stood up and walked into the kitchen, deciding a late-night snack was called for. By the time he’d eaten his way through the majority of a haribo packet, there was still no text or call from Dan. Nothing from him at all.

That night was the first time Phil went to sleep without talking to Dan in a long, long time.

\---

Just to spite him, there was an email in Phil’s inbox the next morning.

_ Dear Phil Lester, _

_ Many thanks for your application. It turns out we have already reviewed your work and we are happy to offer you a place on our internship programme. _

_ Please find attached more information, including start days and how to accept the offer. _

_ We look forward to seeing you soon! _

_ Best wishes, _

_ Janet Douglas _

Phil read it through twice, then chucked his phone under his pillow again. He didn’t look at it once for the rest of the day.

\---

By the evening, though, he was caving. If he thought missing Dan had been bad before, missing him  _ and _ being angry at him was even worse. And then there was the fact that Dan was ignoring him on top of it all.

Phil hated to admit how much it got to him.

He was still mad at the thought that Dan had interfered in something that Phil was proud of, wanted to earn by himself. Editing was his pride and joy, and he knew he was good at it – would soon have a PhD to prove it, too – but he wanted to start a career based on  _ merit _ . Not just to piggyback off someone else..

Phil wasn’t stupid. He knew the only reason he would have been fast-tracked to acceptance by the editing company was because Dan put in a good word for him. He hadn’t even submitted any work for them to see.

It made Phil sick to his stomach, the thought of stepping over other hard-working people simply because he happened to be lucky enough to snag someone like Dan. Phil had every right to be mad.

And yet.

He  _ missed _ him. Like a dull ache in the centre of his chest, pounding away in time with his heart, reminding him of just exactly what was missing. His phone, empty of messages when Phil finally caved and checked at the end of the day.

Nothing.

So Phil did what he always did when he felt a little lost and a lot sad – he called his mum.

She picked up on the second ring.

“Mum,” Phil said quickly before she could say anything, and he was surprised by how thick his voice sounded. “Is now a good time to talk?”

She seemed to sense instantly that something was wrong. Her voice was as comforting as ever as she said, “ _ Of course, I’m just doing a bit of the laundry. I hate ironing though, awful chore, talk away, child. _ ”

“I just.” He paused, swallowed. “Tell me a bit about home. I don’t know. Something normal.”

“ _ Well, your brother’s just been up visiting with his girlfriend _ ,” she said easily, as if he’d asked about the weather. “ _ She seems lovely, that Cornelia, a real keeper I think. Asked after you, too, both of them did, but I said you were busy down in London. We all watched the premiere, there were some beautiful dresses, weren’t there? My son was the best dressed though, I reckon. I liked the gold, very tasteful _ .”

“That was Tyler,” Phil replied. He paused. It felt beyond bizarre to be discussing the events of life with Dan with his mother. Going to film premieres, dressing up with all the other glitzy stars that he had absolutely nothing in common with at all. He swallowed. “Mum, do you think – am I making a mistake?”

There was a beat of silence.

“ _ I think you’re doing spectacularly, actually, _ ” she answered finally, her tone just as sure as always. “ _ Can’t say much more without meeting the fellow himself, but that Dan does seem alright. I liked how he held himself in interviews, and how he talked about you. Very respectful. _ ”

Phil let out a shaky breath. “Respectful?”

“ _ Yes, well, he talks about you as if you’re worth the world. Which I approve of, naturally.” _

Phil managed a soft laugh. There was dampness on his cheek. “So you think it’s good? Me and Dan, I mean?”

“ _ Phil, I just want you to be happy,” _ she answered, tone gentle. “ _ And you’ve been happier, these past few months. You’ve been travelling, not holed up in your room all the time, calling me sounding happier than you’ve been in a long while _ .”

Phil swallowed.

“ _ He’s been good for you, _ ” she continued. “ _ From my perspective, anyway. _ ”

“I am happier with him,” Phil admitted softly.

“ _ There we go. _ ” She sounded proud. “ _ So now all you have to do is sort out whatever it is that made you call me in the first place _ .”

Phil laughed wetly. “I can’t just be calling you to say hi?”

“ _ You do that plenty of times without crying down the phone to me, _ ” she answered. Phil could imagine her stern smile. “ _ Do you need me to come down there and give you a hug? _ ”

Phil laughed again. “No, mum, it’s fine. I’m fine.”

“ _ Good. Now go and fix it, ok? _ ”

“Yes.” Phil was biting back a smile now, even with his cheeks still damp. “Yes, mum.”

She hung up with a normal goodbye, and Phil felt a lot more ok after that conversation.

He still didn’t call Dan immediately, though. No, he really wasn’t sure how to go about it. After all, Dan had been the one to hang up on him – what if Dan just didn’t want to talk to him?

Well, Phil wasn’t going to let him get away. Not this time, not after everything. He couldn’t abandon Dan like that, especially not after an amazing experience like the premiere, standing proudly by Dan’s side. Phil had never felt so  _ right _ as then.

He wasn’t about to let that go.

He tapped his phone against his chin, deliberating, then clicked open the Twitter app.

There was the photo of them, the last thing he’d had open. Phil bit back a smile at the sight of them so happy, his lips against Dan’s cheek, Dan straight-up giggling at the camera. A pretty perfect moment, captured forever.

It made Phil’s chest tug with a dull ache.

He tapped off the picture and was taken back to his timeline, and what he saw there made him pause.

A tweet from Dan sat at the top of his timeline.

@danisnotonfire:  _ I wonder how biology can explain the physical pain in your chest when all you want to do is be with someone D: _

All of a sudden, Phil was smiling. His heart hurt and his chest ached and there was still a tangible emptiness on the other side of his bed, but he was smiling.

Perhaps Dan missed him just as much as he missed Dan.

With that, Phil clicked off Twitter and went to his texts, typing one out to Dan and pressing send without thinking about it too much.

**Phil:** I miss you too

\---

Dan was splayed out flat on the sofa, on his back with his legs in the air, phone discarded beside him, when it buzzed.

Tyler gave a long-suffering sigh from the armchair. “Is that your man come to rescue you finally?”

“Probably not,” Dan bemoaned. “I really fucked up, Tyler, what if he never speaks to me again?”

“You know, you could always text him first,” Tyler said blithely.

Dan shuddered. “I  _ hung up on him _ . He’s going to ignore me whatever I do now.”

Dan’s phone buzzed again from beside him. A text, then. He rolled over with a world-weary sigh and grabbed for his phone, blinking blearily at the screen.

It had been a long day. He’d almost texted Phil more times than he could count, but every time Dan chickened out. He couldn’t get out of thinking that Phil must hate him – he’d sounded so mad, on the phone, when Dan told him about the editing company fuck-up. And now everything was going wrong because of him. The most he’d been able to do was moan to Tyler and be mopey on Twitter, simply because he felt like he needed somewhere to let out the burst of emotion constantly itching beneath his skin.

He almost didn’t want to face Phil again, not if he would still be angry.

But now, on his phone, there it sat – a text from Phil.

“From your shocked silence, I’m guessing that’s him,” Tyler said wryly. “So please go talk to him and stop moaning about how fucked up you are, we’ve been over this, your self-esteem needs work.”

“My self-esteem always needs work,” Dan muttered, but mostly he was struck still from the text.

“What?” Tyler poked him with a toe after a moment. “Did he die, or something?”

“No,” Dan shook his head, still dumbfounded by the words.  _ I miss you too _ .

It was a relief.

“I think he saw my tweet,” Dan mumbled finally. “Or something.”

Tyler cheered. “ _ Or something  _ or whatever, finally! Now go call him before I call him myself.”

Dan paled at the thought of that.

He didn’t hit call straight away. There was still fear churning away in the back of his mind that he’d really fucked up for good, that Phil might just slip through his fingers even after everything. After all,  _ I miss you too  _ didn’t necessarily mean things were going to be fixed.

But it did give Dan some hope.

With shaky fingers, he typed out a reply.

**Dan:** Does that mean you’re still mad at me?

Thankfully, a response came through almost instantly.

**Phil:** Not if you call me

**Phil:** I want to talk about it

**Phil:** But I miss you

Dan’s phone stopped buzzing. Dan stared at the three texts, his lower lip caught between his teeth.

“Call him.” Tyler spoke from right over Dan’s shoulder, making Dan jump a foot in the air. He clutched at his chest, glaring at Tyler and instantly hiding his phone against his chest.

Tyler rolled his eyes. “He’s clearly willing to listen. Call him. Explain that you were doing it in good faith and you don’t mind if he applies the normal way. He’ll be ok with it if he’s anywhere near halfway decent.”

“Phil is the most decent person ever,” Dan mumbled defensively. “More than decent. Generous. Kind. The most caring person—”

“Yes, yes, you love him, I know.” Tyler rolled his eyes, but his tone was fond as he clapped a hand on Dan’s shoulder. “Go call him and tell  _ him _ that, instead of moping around me any longer.”

Dan bit back a smile. His skin tingled with fear and loss, still, but there was some hope there too. Hope that perhaps he could fix things. Hanging up one phone call didn’t have to be the end of the world, did it?

Dan was all-too familiar with his ability to blow everything out of proportion, and that’s what kept his nerves jangling even as he scooped up his phone and headed to his bedroom.

Once there, he leaned against the inside of his closed door and let out a slow, deep breath.

He tapped on Phil’s contact name.

Hit ‘call’.

Phil answered before the first ring had even finished. “ _ I’m sorry _ .”

“ _ You’re  _ sorry?” Dan let out a small laugh. “Pretty sure that’s my line, actually.”

Phil’s answering sheepish laugh was the most beautiful thing Dan had ever heard. “ _ Dan _ .  _ I’m sorry _ .”

“No, you don’t have to be,” Dan disagreed instantly. “ _ I’m _ sorry. For hanging up on you, for ever giving your name to the fucking company in the first place, I should have checked with you—”

“ _ I do want to ask you about that, _ ” Phil’s voice still managed to sound smooth even over the crackly connection. “ _ But it’s ok. I promise I’m not mad about it anymore.” _

“I just did it to try and help us,” Dan answered, his tone growing small. “I didn’t mean – fuck, I just didn’t  _ think _ . I just, I really wanted you to come down to London with me, and you’d been talking about wanting to edit, and I just thought – if it was something I could give you, something to give back after everything you’ve done for me—”

“ _ You don’t need to give me anything more, Dan—” _

“No, but,” Dan took a breath, “It’s important. I didn’t want to step over you, or cross a boundary, I just – I just wanted to make you happy. And I know it wasn’t the right way to do it, but – but that was all I wanted. To make you happy.”

There was a silence in which Dan heard Phil’s soft intake of breath.

“ _ Well, I can’t be mad at you anymore, can I?”  _ Phil huffed, but the sound was gentle.

Dan let out a soft laugh. “I hope not. I’m really sorry, Phil.”

_ “It’s ok _ .” Phil’s voice was gentle, everything Dan wanted to lose himself in. “ _ I promise I’m not mad, I just – I want to do things the right way, you know? I don’t want to use you to get ahead, I want to – to earn everything I do, just the way you’ve always had to.” _

“I know, and I get that, I promise I’ll never fuck up like this again.”

_ “You haven’t fucked up,” _ Phil reassured him gently. “ _ At least, not now you’ve explained. I get it. I’m not mad.” _

Dan felt lighter than he had all day.

“ _ I missed you, too,” _ Phil added after a beat. “ _ I just – it felt so weird going to sleep last night without you talking to me.” _

“Same,” Dan said immediately. “Let’s not do that ever again.”

_ “Never go to sleep on an argument.”  _ There was the hint of a smile in Phil’s voice. “ _ That’s what my mum always says.” _

“Your mum sounds like an intelligent person.”

“ _ Oh, she’s the best.” _ Phil’s tone was definitely warmer now. Dan wanted to press himself against it. “ _ I called her, you know?” _

A flash of worry flared across Dan’s chest. “You did?”

“ _ Yeah, I just – you hung up on me, I thought you’d be furious. I didn’t know what to do.” _

Guilt built up slowly in Dan’s throat. “I’m so sorry.”

“ _ It’s ok, you’re here now,”  _ Phil reassured. “ _ And so am I. But anyway. She said you make me happy, and I should stick with that.” _

Dan took in a surprised breath. “She really said that?”

_ “Yeah.” _

“She’s never even  _ met  _ me.”

“ _ Apparently she doesn’t need to _ ,” Phil laughed down the line. “ _ And I agree with her. You make me happy, Dan. Just you. You don’t need to do anything extra, you’re already enough.” _

At those words, Dan felt something loosen in his chest. His shoulders relaxed and he sagged against the door, biting back the grin that threatened to tug at the corners of his lips. “Sap.”

“ _ Shut up, I’m allowed to be. I miss you.” _

“I miss you too.” Dan bit his lip, glanced up and saw his bed, sheets still messy. “This room feels really empty without you in it, how gross is that?”

_ “Super gross.”  _ There was laughter in Phil’s voice.

“I really do miss you, though,” Dan said quietly. “When do you reckon you’ll be able to visit again?”

A sigh sounded down the line.  _ “I really don’t know. Depends on when I get a decision on my viva, so I’ll know what my result is. _ ”

“You’ll pass,” Dan said immediately.

Phil chuckled.  _ “I hope so. And then there’s graduation, and then…” _

Silence held for a moment after Phil trailed off.

Dan swallowed. “And then?”

_ “Well,”   _ there was hesitance in Phil’s tone. “ _ Then I decide what I do next. I… I still want to apply to the editing company, they emailed me again, you know? Said I’m on a waiting list.” _

“Oh.” Dan paused, cautious. Was he supposed to be happy about that? Or sorry for making Phil jump the line, when it was clearly important to Phil that he did this on his own? Dan wasn’t sure how he was supposed to feel.

“ _ It’s ok _ .” The note of amusement in Phil’s voice said he knew about Dan’s inner turmoil. “ _ I… I think I’m going to reply and say I’d like to apply the same as everyone else. I already sent them my form, I just have to attach a portfolio of my work. Then… if they still like me, I’ll do the internship with them. Come down to London for real.” _

Dan bit down hard on his lower lip to contain his inner squeal. He was only somewhat successful, as what left his mouth was more of a squeak than audible words. “That’s amazing!”

“ _ Yeah, I think so too.”  _ There was a strong smile in Phil’s voice now. “ _ But I still have to wait for graduation, first. And my results.” _

“When are they due?”

_ “Sometime next week, probably. Maybe the week after if my supervisor is busy.” _

Dan whined. “So long?”

_ “I know, I miss you too.” _

Dan whined again. Then he paused. “Wait. So that means you can’t come down here, right?”

“ _ Unfortunately.” _

“Well, what if I went up there instead?”

There was a pause while Phil absorbed this.

Dan’s fingers clutched around his phone, trying to contain his excitement. “I mean, I spent a lot of time in Manchester when we were filming. I kinda miss the place.”

“ _ But, Dan,” _ Phil said weakly. “ _ Surely that’ll attract attention? It was bad enough when us dating was only rumours, surely the press…” _

“I don’t care what they say anymore, Phil,” Dan interrupted. “Nothing they say can hurt me anymore.”

There was another moment of silence.

“ _ How would you even get here?”  _ Phil asked.

Dan simply grinned, and went to retrieve his laptop from his bed. “I’m ordering train tickets right now.”

\---

Two days later, Phil was meeting Dan at Manchester Piccadilly train station.

It was surreal, the thought of having Dan back in his city. The days of wandering the city and finding the film set felt so long ago, almost as if it had happened in another time, to a different person. The Phil who leaned nervously against a pillar on the platform was a different Phil to the one who had first stumbled across that ROAD CLOSED sign and huffed irritably to a stranger who turned out to be one of the main actors.

Phil bit back a smile at the memory. Dan had been so snarky in the beginning – well, he was still so snarky, but now Phil could recognise the warmth and fondness behind it. Dan had many defence mechanisms, and by now Phil could see past most of them to the slightly lost, nervous boy that they hid.

The train announcement sounded, and Phil straightened a little. He’d managed to talk his way onto the platform because one of the workers actually recognised him from Twitter (which was still a bizarre occurrence, even if it was starting to happen a little more frequently, especially since the premiere). He was standing at the far end of the platform, because he knew Dan would be travelling first class and for once Phil was relieved for his extravagance, because this end of the platform was far quieter than the rest of the bustling station.

The train appeared in the distance, and then suddenly closer when Phil blinked. Without further ado, it was pulling to a stop and the doors were opening right in front of Phil, and—

“Well, this makes a change from the usual way around, doesn’t it?”

Dan, stepping onto the platform with a bag slung casually over one shoulder, tall and smiling and  _ present _ .

It had been less than four days since they’d last seen each other, but Phil still fell into Dan’s arms as if he hadn’t seen him in ages.

Dan laughed against his hair, but both arms came up to wrap tight around Phil, holding him. No thoughts of cameras bothered Phil for once, because Dan was right – even if they were seen, what could anyone say, now, that Dan and Phil hadn’t already said themselves? They’d made the decision to be public. That meant no more hiding.

Phil had never been more grateful for that as he buried his nose into Dan’s neck.

They meandered their way slowly back to Phil’s flat, taking the time to wander the streets a little. Dan glanced around with a fresh gaze, a soft smile lighting his features whenever they settled against a familiar sight. When they came to the street where the ROAD CLOSED sign used to sit, Dan pulled them to a stop for a moment and grinned.

“So this is where you first degraded me to my face, huh?”

“ _ Shush _ ,” Phil said, pained. “We’ve been over this. I didn’t know you were  _ there _ .”

“I’m amazed you didn’t recognise me, you were such a fan—”

“You are  _ impossible _ ,” Phil groaned. He gave Dan’s hand a threatening squeeze, glaring at him. “Besides, you  _ were _ awful back then. So snarky and rude, no wonder I tried to avoid you.”

“Well, that didn’t work very well, did it?” Dan grinned, his expression beyond smug.

Phil rolled his eyes, but he tightened his grip and leaned against Dan’s side. It was strange to think back to the start of the year, when winter had gripped the city, and now to be standing in the spring sunshine with Dan by his side. The year had crawled by in some senses, but flown in others – now Phil was on the brink of graduating, of making the biggest move of his life, all for the man at his side.

“I’m so glad I walked past here that day,” Phil said suddenly.

Dan turned to him, surprise flashing across his face.

“I’m glad this happened, I mean,” Phil clarified, and bumped his hip against Dan’s. He looked at the spot where he’d first seen Dan, first spoken to him with anger, then slowly got to know him as they gradually opened up to each other. How he found out so much more about himself and his own identity, finally felt ok with it because of Dan, because of this. Because of what they’d become to each other.

Phil turned to Dan, meeting his eyes as he said, “I’m so, so glad I met you.”

Dan looked back at him, dark eyes shimmering with something hard to read. Phil knew what it meant, though.

“Me too, Phil,” Dan said quietly. “Me too.”

THE END


	25. Chapter 25

It was the day of Phil’s graduation, and it was sweltering.

Phil sat in his smart robes, stifled among the rest of his cohort who were squashed onto seats at the front of the Hall. The massive organ that held pride of place loomed ominously over them, the pipes standing out against the browns of the arched ceilings. The crowds were already seated, taking their places as the audience, separated from where Phil and his fellow graduands sat up front.

Phil knew his parents were out there somewhere, and his brother and his brother’s girlfriend, and – perhaps most importantly of all – Dan.

They’d decided together that Dan coming to his graduation was more important than attempting to avoid the press. So they’d decided to meet it wholeheartedly together.

As soon as Phil found out his result from his supervisor (and he’d not only passed, he’d somehow managed to scrape a distinction, which had made his mum cry when he told her) he’d been on the phone to Dan, facetiming so he could watch his face when he told him.

“ _ I’m so proud of you, Phil,”  _ Dan said with a slight wobble to his voice.

Phil made a face at him. “Don’t be a sap.”

“ _ I really am, though,”  _ Dan answered thoughtfully, and Phil believed him.

It had been easy to ask Dan to come to his graduation. An obvious decision, on Phil’s part, but it had still taken Dan by surprise.

“ _ Are you sure?” _

“Absolutely positive.”

“ _ But your family – your  _ mum _ , Phil—” _

“Well, it’s about time you met them, isn’t it?”

Dan hadn’t had a response to that.

Although Dan had gone back to London briefly between visiting Phil and Phil getting his results, he was back up in Manchester for the ceremony. Meeting him at the station, they’d been surrounded by cameras, as Dan had got very excited and tweeted that he was on his way to see Phil, which unfortunately let the press know where he was as well as a couple of excited fans. Phil had also been amazed at the wave of support he’d received from Twitter, excited comments blowing up his notifications for hours afterwards.

_ troubledhowell:  _ omg congrats @amazingphil so proud of you!!

_ dangirl101:  _ @amazingphil and @danisnotonfire are the cutest couple ever fight me on this one

_ howellsmovingcastle:  _ look at supportive boyfriend @danisnotonfire on @amazingphil ‘s graduation day my heart is hurting

Phil bit back a smile at the memory and straightened in his seat, his robes bunching together at his knees. They were a little short for him – one of the perils of being as tall as he was – and he felt very awkward, never enjoying formal occasions, but knowing that his family and Dan were out there was helping him remain calm.

He’d only really had time early to press a quick kiss to Dan’s lips at the station, introduce him to his family, and then promptly abandon them to go fetch his robes and prepare for the ceremony. They’d already processed in, the crowds watching them on screens as well as in person, and now they’d taken their seats, waiting for the Vice-Chancellor to finish his speech.

Phil found his mind wandering. He’d already sat through speeches like this for both his undergrad and masters graduations, and now he sat here as a PhD student, one of only a handful who’d made it all the way through. He was about to become a doctor.

A small flicker of pride licked up his chest.

Soon enough, the Vice-Chancellor’s speech was over, and the names of the graduands began to be called. One by one, they stepped up to the altar, received their certificate and handshake, and then returned to their seats. Phil would be one of the last – they started with the undergrads and went up from there – but he was content to sit and think. Think about how much had changed since his first steps into university as an undergrad, and how much was going to change now he was leaving education altogether.

He hadn’t told Dan yet, but that morning, Phil had received an email from the editing company. They’d offered him a place at an internship in London that started in a little over two months – not completely ideal, as he’d have two months with nothing to do, but (Phil hoped) he could use that time to move to London properly.

To move in with Dan.

Except Phil hadn’t told him yet.

The Vice-Chancellor had moved onto the masters students now. Phil’s name would be coming up on the list, and for the PhD students the title of their thesis would be read out, which was mildly terrifying to Phil. He was proud of his work, though. Three years of his life had gone into that thesis, three years spent living in quiet solitude, visiting his mum on occasion and working at the bookshop with Lilith (another person Phil would have to say goodbye to).

That quiet life was a million miles away from his life with Dan.

Phil was under no illusion that if he went through with the move to London, things would change. He wouldn’t be close to his family anymore (although he would have PJ down there, which was a wonderful bonus). He wouldn’t live in quiet solitude. Dan’s life was a public one, and Phil would be part of that. The premiere had just been a moment of many other moments that would come, if he went through with the move.

It almost scared Phil, how little he was bothered by any of that.

Being with Dan trumped all of the possible negatives. The hole in his life that was filled whenever Dan was with him spoke for itself, really, and he enjoyed Dan’s life, too. Spending time with him in public, joking with him on Twitter – all of it was fun. Phil couldn’t deny that he enjoyed it. And he could get used to the public attention.

Most importantly, he was getting Dan out of it. Someone practically made for him, someone who would accept him, wholeheartedly, as he was.

And sure, people would assume incorrect things about them. They’d assume that he and Dan were in a traditional relationship, when Phil knew a large aspect of that was missing because of his sex repulsion, his asexuality. But  _ Dan didn’t mind. _ Dan accepted him exactly as he was, and with that, it didn’t matter to Phil that the world might view them differently.

He had everything he never even realised he wanted, all because of Dan.

It was that thought that made him smile as he got to his feet once his name was called, and stepped up to receive his handshake.

\---

Getting out of the Hall proved to be more difficult than Phil thought. Once the ceremony was over, he’d joined the throng headed back outside to where he’d arranged to meet his family. They were going out for lunch together, Dan included, a celebration of Phil’s achievement that honestly made him a bit embarrassed.

He was excited to spend time with them all together, though. To see Dan interacting with his parents, however that would work. Phil had never brought someone home before.

He finally managed to push his way outside the building, and wandered near the spot he’d agreed to meet his parents.

Then, two hands appeared to cover his eyes.

“Boo,” came Dan’s quiet voice by his ear, and Phil stifled his shocked sound.

“Dan!” Phil laughed, leaning his head back and finding Dan’s shoulder behind him. “You scared me!”

“That was kind of the point,” Dan chuckled. He lowered his hands from Phil’s eyes, but wrapped them around his waist instead, pulling Phil back against him.

Phil went gladly.

“Your parents are on their way,” Dan said after a moment. “Your dad needed a toilet break, and I said I’d come meet you. Needed to escape your brother’s teasing for two minutes.”

Phil snorted. “He winding you up already?”

“The first words he said to me were  _ so here’s the pompous idiot who’s melted our Phil’s lonely heart _ ,” Dan whined. “How am I supposed to respond to that without looking like a twat?”

Phil grinned. “Maybe you just always look like a twat.”

“Fucking hell, see if I ever do anything nice for you again,” Dan huffed, but Phil could hear the laugh in his voice.

Phil turned in his arms to look at him, pausing at the crinkles around Dan’s eyes from where he was smiling so widely. They were far enough from the road here, still sheltered by the walls of the Hall, so Phil leaned in quickly to press a kiss to the corner of Dan’s lips.

Dan chased him as he moved away, kissing him a little more deeply, before Phil pulled away.

“I have to tell you something,” Phil murmured.

Dan looked at him questioningly.

Phil took a deep breath and released it. Opened his mouth, and—

“Oh, there you are!”

His mum’s voice cut through the air, and next thing Phil knew he was being gathered into her arms and crushed against her, despite her being so much smaller than him.

Phil squeaked.

There was the sound of a hearty laugh, and Phil glanced up to see his brother standing there with his dad, and a pretty red-headed girl at his side.

“You must be Phil,” she said with a bright smile. “Heard a lot about you today.”

“None of it good,” Phil’s brother cut in with a laugh.

“Shut up, Martyn,” Phil grumbled, and then patted his mum’s head. “Don’t cry, mum. You’ve been through my graduations twice before.”

“Yes, but this is the last one,” she mumbled, and drew back to pat his cheek. “You’ve done so well. My son, a doctor. What a day.”

Phil smiled back at her, watching as she bustled them together and started walking them all towards the restaurant. On the way, Dan caught up to his side and touched his wrist, murmuring, “What were you going to tell me?”

Phil turned to meet his eye and smiled.

He had time.

“I’ll tell you later,” Phil said, and turned back to his family.

\---

Lunch was busy, warm, familiar, and hilarious all wrapped up in one. Seeing Dan with his family had Phil laughing at first, with how prim and proper he was. He had to swerve away from swear words on several occasions, and he sat with his back ramrod straight, but otherwise Dan fit into the Lesters like he was meant to be there.

Sure, Martyn teased him and Phil’s dad asked him lots of difficult questions about his career and his future plans, but Dan handled them with ease. Some of it was probably his media training, but Dan made jokes and had his mum in stitches a couple of times, too. He held his own just fine.

Phil was undeniably proud of him.

It wasn’t until much later, when Phil had finally got rid of his official formal robes and said goodbye to his family, that Phil finally got around to telling Dan.

They were back in Phil’s flat, just the two of them, curled up on the sofa with the tv flickering in the background, some old film playing that neither of them were paying attention to.

“I really am proud of you,” Dan said from where he was sprawled across Phil’s lap, cheeks a little pink.

Phil smiled lazily down at him, one hand running through Dan’s slightly-curling hair. “So you’ve said about a hundred times today.”

“No, I mean it, though,” Dan insisted. He glanced around the flat. “This place, this is where I used to come and bother you while you were working on your thesis—”

“You were a bother alright.”

“—Shut up! And you worked so hard, you had fucking enormous piles of books and there was paper everywhere, and now—”

“Now, I have a degree,” Phil nodded.

“ _ Three _ degrees,” Dan corrected, and grinned at him. “Fucking nerd.”

Phil elbowed him. “Oh, thanks. See if I tell you my good news, then.”

At that, Dan perked up instantly. He twisted in Phil’s lap until he was basically straddling him, looking Phil right in the eyes. “Good news?”

“Yeah.” Phil huffed. “Not gonna tell you if you call me names, though.”

“No, come on.” There was a definite whine in Dan’s tone which made Phil chuckle. “You have to tell me, come on!”

“Nope.”

“ _ Phil _ .” Dan whined. “I take it back, you’re not a nerd, you’re the coolest person I know—”

“That’s a lie, you know so many famous actors.”

“Picked you over all of them, though,” Dan reminded him with a wink.

Phil made a face. “You’re so disgusting.”

“Shut up,” Dan huffed, but he was still grinning. “Tell me, come on, the suspense is killing me.”

Phil bit his lip.

He leaned in, nuzzled into Dan’s hair for a moment, and then said against him, “I got the internship.”

Dan went still. “…What?”

“The editing company emailed me.” Phil held back a smile. “They liked the portfolio I sent them, and they offered me a place. Starting in just over two months.”

Dan pulled back to stare at him, shocked. “In London?”

“In London,” Phil confirmed, and then grinned at him. “You up for having another roommate?”

Dan stared at him for another moment, then shrieked and leaped at him.

“I’ll have to tell Lilith I’m leaving for good,” Phil laughed, catching Dan and leaning back against the arm of the sofa. “But I’ve got my mum’s blessing to go, and Martyn said he’d help me with hiring a moving van, and—”

“You’re moving to London?” Dan sounded a little out of breath. “You’re actually coming with me?”

“I mean, that’s the plan,” Phil said with a nod, biting his lip and staring at the way Dan’s lips curved up into a smile. “If you’ll have me.”

“ _ If I’ll have –  _ Phil!” Dan shrieked again, and pressed his face into Phil’s collarbone. “You’d better come stay with me! This is the best thing I’ve ever heard!”

Phil laughed. He pulled Dan against him and squeezed him as tight as he could, pressing his face into Dan’s hair.

“We can look for a place together,” Dan said in a reverential tone. “I mean, you can stay with me and Tyler at first, but we should look for somewhere together.”

Phil squeezed his eyes shut and felt the widest of smiles stretch his lips. “Daniel Howell, are you asking me to move in with you?”

Dan drew back to meet his eyes, and the excitement on his face made something tug in Phil’s stomach.

“Of course I am,” Dan answered, his tone soft and full of so much fondness that Phil melted. “Of course I am, Phil. Are you going to say yes?”

Phil felt the smile on his face grow impossibly wider. The warmth in his chest was hard to suppress, so he stopped trying and let it fill him, right to the tips of his fingers and toes.

He reached down to link his fingers with Dan’s and said, softly, “Yes. Obviously, my answer is yes.”

Dan’s answering beam made Phil’s heart sing, and he leaned in to press a kiss against Dan’s grinning lips. It didn’t quite work, the angle was off, but Dan still wrapped both arms tight around Phil and  _ squeezed _ .

“All mine,” Dan murmured, and pressed his forehead against Phil’s. “All mine.”

“All yours,” Phil agreed, and kissed him again.

He might be leaving education, but to Phil, the future seemed bright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you so much to everyone who followed this story. I hope the ending has been satisfying enough


End file.
